What's going too far to meet someone?

[Cryptonomic]

Greetings everyone.

 

So here is the scenario:

 

There's a woman I see on the train regularly. She gets off many stops before I do. (This is not a CTA-like train, so the stops are quite far apart.) She appears to be a somewhat shy type and, to some extent, so am I. This train is very busy so I really can't see any way to easily make her acquaintance without it potentially being awkward. We also both sit in the Metra "quiet car." So even if I did approach her in the train, we really couldn't talk. We have made eye contact periodically and traded a few smiles.

 

What I'm trying to determine is how utterly creepy it would seem if one time I got off at her stop, and approached her, just to talk to her briefly. My plan would be just to at least introduce myself and ... I don't know. See where it goes. Then I'd hop on another train.

 

I realize any answer would differ for different people, but I'm curious to hear opinions. Would this be seen as just ultra creepy? Or even too much of a stalker-ish move?

 

I was thinking of waiting for her to board at our departing train station. The problem is that she tends to get on the train pretty close to when it leaves, so I would have very little time to actually talk with her before we had to get on the train before it left. Then I thought about perhaps waiting in the vestibule when she gets off at her stop. But (1) that's still not a lot of time and (2) there's lots of people around and I wouldn't want to put her on the spot.

 

So getting off at her stop, just to do the introduction, seemed like a way. It's a busy stop so it's not like she would feel like I "cornered" her with no people around. On the other hand, this is a Metra train, with stops far apart. So it would be quite clear to her that I consciously got off at her stop just to approach her. I just can't decide how bad of a move this would be.

 

Curious for any and all insights, thoughts, or even criticisms of what a total creepy stalker I sound like.

[Lil1]

I recommend a direct approach in this situation. If you get off at her stop she will notice, especially since she has already noticed you, and that may come off as a bit extreme (purposefully getting off at her stop). Use the fact that she has already noticed you to your advantage. Approach her as she is sitting on the train and politely introduce yourself to her. Just be honest in your approach. Good luck!!

Edited May 4, 2012 by Lil1

[pteromom]

NO - don't get off at her stop. CREEPY, and makes it look like you are watching her (know where she gets off the train etc).

 

Instead, go to where she's sitting, and ask her if you can sit in the seat next to her. If she says yes, just introduce yourself and talk to her. You don't have to explain WHY or anything. If there is chemistry and she's interested, it will be obvious.

[Cryptonomic]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Yeah, I can see how the getting off at the stop thing is a bit too much. The big problem is that when I said we sit in a "quiet car" of Metra, I mean literally. Metra enforces a no-talking/no-noise policy in this car. But, that being said, I'm sure I could just talk with her quietly.

 

So my concern then: is that sort of direct approach not seen as too much? I guess not since y'all are recommending it. The reason I even ask is that I (currently) always sit in the same seat. She tends to sit in the same seat. I tend to get to the train early. She tends to get there just moments before it leaves.

 

So it would be very direct indeed if I just happened to be sitting in the area that she normally sits in. It would be pretty clear I was doing that purposefully. (Come to think of it: that would be interesting. If she notices I did that and then AVOIDS sitting in that area, that would probably tell me a lot.)

 

My biggest concern is not looking like a total fool, even though I'm slightly worried about that. My biggest concern is just freaking her out or making her uncomfortable. So my concern is that if I talk with her in our seats, there are lots of people around. I feel like I'm really putting her on the spot and she seems a bit shy.

 

But I guess there's no real way to know if that will happen or to what extent if it does.

[FitChick]

Is there anything interesting to do or see in the town where she gets off? You'd have an excuse -- ask directions, i.e. "I'm going to the ______ exhibit at such and such gallery. Do you know the quickest way to get there?" Then maybe add, "Would you like to come with me. I feel a bit awkward going on my own but I heard it's really good." If she declines, you'd have a topic for conversation the following day (make sure you're in the "talking" car).

[Romeofud]

Greetings everyone.

 

So here is the scenario:

 

There's a woman I see on the train regularly. She gets off many stops before I do. (This is not a CTA-like train, so the stops are quite far apart.) She appears to be a somewhat shy type and, to some extent, so am I. This train is very busy so I really can't see any way to easily make her acquaintance without it potentially being awkward. We also both sit in the Metra "quiet car." So even if I did approach her in the train, we really couldn't talk. We have made eye contact periodically and traded a few smiles.

 

What I'm trying to determine is how utterly creepy it would seem if one time I got off at her stop, and approached her, just to talk to her briefly. My plan would be just to at least introduce myself and ... I don't know. See where it goes. Then I'd hop on another train.

 

I realize any answer would differ for different people, but I'm curious to hear opinions. Would this be seen as just ultra creepy? Or even too much of a stalker-ish move?

 

I was thinking of waiting for her to board at our departing train station. The problem is that she tends to get on the train pretty close to when it leaves, so I would have very little time to actually talk with her before we had to get on the train before it left. Then I thought about perhaps waiting in the vestibule when she gets off at her stop. But (1) that's still not a lot of time and (2) there's lots of people around and I wouldn't want to put her on the spot.

 

So getting off at her stop, just to do the introduction, seemed like a way. It's a busy stop so it's not like she would feel like I "cornered" her with no people around. On the other hand, this is a Metra train, with stops far apart. So it would be quite clear to her that I consciously got off at her stop just to approach her. I just can't decide how bad of a move this would be.

 

Curious for any and all insights, thoughts, or even criticisms of what a total creepy stalker I sound like.

 

Why are men these days worrying about how they appear to chicks? Who the **** cares man, seriously lol. If u like her, get off the train & hit her up with some quick convo. Just be polite & direct about what u want from her thats all. Its so simple. Dont worry about what she thinks of u cuz u cant control the outcome. Just put your best foot forward cuz if u dont try u definitely lose out.

[Cryptonomic]

Why are men these days worrying about how they appear to chicks?

 

I don't think it's just "these days." Guys have been worrying about this for a long time. But I get your point, in that you can't over worry about how you may or may not appear.

 

If u like her, get off the train & hit her up with some quick convo. Just be polite & direct about what u want from her thats all. Its so simple.

 

Intellectually I agree with you. (I do still worry that the "getting off at her stop" might just seem a little over aggressive.) Emotionally, it's harder for me. I value my space and I try to value that for others as well. I would hate to make her feel uncomfortable or put on the spot because I really dislike when people do that to me. I realize, of course, that it would not be the end of the world if she or I was put on the spot or even made to feel a little uncomfortable.

 

Just put your best foot forward cuz if u dont try u definitely lose out.

 

Certainly there is much truth to that.

 

I've heard a few people tell me getting off at her stop would be a little bit on the creepy side. But I don't know. My hope would be to get enough time to introduce myself (before/if she freaks out). My thoughts on starting that potentially awkward conversation was with a bit of honesty:

 

"Hey, I know this may seem a little weird. I just didn't want to put you on the spot in the train and, honestly, I couldn't think of another way to at least get a quick chance to introduce myself."

 

Something like that.

 

If she reacts clearly negative to this intrusion, I could obviously just back away, give the "sorry to bother you", and then, of course, never ride on that particular train car again. I'm not worried about her saying "not interested." I'm more worried about her thinking I'm dangerous. I don't want to put her in a position where she thinks someone is "stalking" her.

 

Yeah. I know. I'm probably overthinking it.

[coffee.girl]

Please, please, please do NOT follow her off the train at her stop.

 

Many women would find this threatening (especially if she is a little shy as you say), and yes, it would give off creepy/potential danger/threat signals. I know you have good intentions but I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot if you follow her off the train.

 

Apart from the obvious creep-factor, she'd also probably be on the way to her next destination, which is not a good time to try and engage her in conversation if she's in a hurry to get somewhere else.

 

Why don't you just make some quiet conversation with her in her usual spot? Let her know that if she wants to take the conversation further, you'll be sitting in the speaking carriage the next day.

[Cryptonomic]

Please, please, please do NOT follow her off the train at her stop.

 

Yeah, I have definitely decided not to do this. I think I truly did already know that it wasn't a good idea, intellectually. It's one of those things though where you just need to hear other people validate that it isn't a good idea, so you get it emotionally as well.

 

Why don't you just make some quiet conversation with her in her usual spot? Let her know that if she wants to take the conversation further, you'll be sitting in the speaking carriage the next day.

 

Definitely not a bad idea. As it is, I've decided this probably just isn't a situation to pursue. There haven't been enough signals that make me think there is any receptivity. (There haven't been negative signals; but there certainly have not been positive ones either.)

 

I think the reason I did focus is because I have been taking this train system to work since 1996. And this is honestly the first time this kind of situation has happened, at least to the extent where I genuinely wanted to meet someone.

 

Whether that says more about me or the Metra train system is up for debate.