new here, and kinda my story

[mwilliams]

Hi,

 

Im new here and am just beginning to realize that the things my friends have said are true.....Im kinda wondering how I got myself into all this mess.I knew things werent "normal" but I always tried to justify his actions. He hit me ( terribly i was black n blue for 3-4 weeks after we got married we had been married about 2 months) We got in a fight in the car after being out and drinking..... i guess I said something that set him off, he starting hitting me and I couldnt get away from him... all i could do was try to duck down in the floor board to get out of his reach.Both my eyes were blacked and swollen... nothing broken except my pinky finger thank God. I lied to all my friends and family and told them we had a 4-wheeler accident...I took him back and he swore hed never touch me again..... and he never really has hit me again.... but I made him tell his parents and our friends after another HUGE fight . He wants to control everything from how I disipline the kids... to when and where and whom I talk to, and do.They are my kids alone, we are a second marriage.....I think hes too strict ...he thinks im not strict enough. He gave me a cat after that......( he hated cats) Since then .... 6 years now.... things are always his way or noway...... I recenty got a new job, making good money, bought a house(his credit isnt good enough for one) and I went out with the girls and had a few drinks..... Im not supposed to drink unless we are together, even having a glass of wine or two or three at home is not ok.Only if we are "out" with friends...... drinking at home means your an alcoholic. Hes made this such an issue, i was beginning to wonder if I was, until I talked to my friends and family. Anyway, now that I have bought the house, and this happened... he decided to stay in the "rental" house .... everything in that house was mine, from a previous marriage.(did I mention I'm wife number 4 for him) He has delayed and put off me getting all my things including changing the locks because "he didnt have a key to my house". Its been over a month now and I still dont have everything and he still doesnt want any of our friends to know we are split up. He has in the past put our arguing all over , called friends and fussed about me( to say that nicely) They dont agree with him... so i believe this is why he doesnt want anyone to know, as I did just buy us a home, and got a GREAT new job.WELL last night I woke up about 3...... and something told me he wasnt home.( we were trying to work things out & agreed to tell one another if we went out)... SO I drove by our old house...., and sure enough he wasnt home.... SO I (crazy I know) text him and told him I was done.... that was 3.....he text me back about 5 or so trying to justify himself, saying he stayed at what ever co-workers house because they went for food n drinks after work,except hes always fussed about this co-worker..... then CALLS ME, we have talked much except text back and forth for weeks......then tries some more to justify, and blame things on me.... I was off for the day to go on a field trip w/ my son....I dont understand the mind games and control/meaness.He can call me all kinda names.... and its not supposed to hurt... throw things , break things, and when he says hes sorry its supposed to be ok.........but if I say or do anything , Im wrong and its trown up at EVERY argument....tell me Im not crazy, and this is a relationship that will only get worse,or tell me I'm wrong... but I NEED HELP.

 

 

 

thank you

me

[fallenenvy]

Firstly.... welcome...

 

 

He sounds like a crazy controlling insecure son of a bitch....but i think you already know this...

 

I got from your post that you are married but separated and living at different locations?

 

Just from the fact that you are posting here you know deep down that things arn't right and your not crazy for thinking so.

 

Don't wonder how you got yourself here... hes controlling and manipulative and even the strongest of us women can get sucked into that and then be left wonder.. wait.. wtf? what happened. I've been there myself with someone that was physically and emotionally abusive as hell.. he manipulated me and isolated me from everyone.. and when it was over i was left wondering wtf happened and how i let myself get there...

 

On the bright side at least you are finally realizing that things are very wrong. If you are indeed separated it should stay that way. You obviously don't rely on him for finances and you have your children to think about. He's abusive and NO ONE should EVER have to deal with that.

[mwilliams]

yes , We are living separate.He stayed in the rental home we shared. I guess I do know the answers already, and I hate that I need validation to "know" .Have I let him put my self esteem so far down I now question my own choices .....? Is that possible? I even kept the lights on in my name to "help" him as he didnt have the 300.00 deposit to do it himself....another.. WTF where you thinking thing......I wanted things to work.... another WTF i guess.... I am seeing my rational thinking , isnt so rational... He did move alot of my things, as I have isolated myself from friends, MY friends not "our" friends and my family doesnt liver here.but seems to be delaying me getting the rest... "he hurt his back moving the first round of heavy furniture" then this last night is nuts, if i didnt go home, or wasnt home at 3 am hed flip out and be all over town looking for me.Though im sure all of "our" friends would call and tell him I was out. I am so hurt and torn....but I know this is the right thing............sadly

[fallenenvy]

at least you know its the right thing though which is the beginning of the healing process. It's understandable to have wanted things to work.. you invested time and lots of feelings into this *******.

 

Screw what he thinks about where you are... To be honest.. it can be difficult getting back in with the friends you have been isolated from.. but it's very rewarding when you do... I remember getting to talk freely with my friends again after i got out and i started having the time of my life.. IF anything... start seeing your friends again just to spite him.. and drink all you want (within reason of course! it can be damaging to your health in excess)

 

It gets better with time... you'll go from being sad to being angry and i found the anger to be comforting.. eventually.. once he's 100% out of your life and you've healed completely.. you'll move to indifference.

 

Don't worry about where he is at what time.. he shouldn't be your issue anymore.. need to cut him off completely. On the same note if he flips about where you are.. oh well.. just try your best to keep your distance from him or at least have someone else around when hes around you (for your own safety of course) if he tries anything physical you should get law enforcement involved.. i wish i had.. perhaps if i did i could've had one less bruise and he wouldn't now be on the sex offenders list for what he did to the next girl.. (i don't want to get into that)

 

And also.. worry about your children.. you don't need someone like that around them.. that can be damaging in so many more ways...

[pteromom]

It is time to stand up and be who you want to be.

 

He can only control you if you GIVE him that control. You are an adult. You are allowed to go where you want, wear what you want, drink what you want.

 

You are allowed to be the kind of parent you want.

 

Visit bpdfamily.com and read all their lessons. Even if your husband doesn't have BPD, the lessons on radical acceptance, boundary-setting, and communication techniques may be helpful for you, even if you don't go back to him (which I hope you don't!) You will need these lessons for future relationships so you don't again end up with someone controlling.

[mwilliams]

at least you know its the right thing though which is the beginning of the healing process. It's understandable to have wanted things to work.. you invested time and lots of feelings into this *******.

 

Screw what he thinks about where you are... To be honest.. it can be difficult getting back in with the friends you have been isolated from.. but it's very rewarding when you do... I remember getting to talk freely with my friends again after i got out and i started having the time of my life.. IF anything... start seeing your friends again just to spite him.. and drink all you want (within reason of course! it can be damaging to your health in excess)

 

It gets better with time... you'll go from being sad to being angry and i found the anger to be comforting.. eventually.. once he's 100% out of your life and you've healed completely.. you'll move to indifference.

 

Don't worry about where he is at what time.. he shouldn't be your issue anymore.. need to cut him off completely. On the same note if he flips about where you are.. oh well.. just try your best to keep your distance from him or at least have someone else around when hes around you (for your own safety of course) if he tries anything physical you should get law enforcement involved.. i wish i had.. perhaps if i did i could've had one less bruise and he wouldn't now be on the sex offenders list for what he did to the next girl.. (i don't want to get into that)

 

And also.. worry about your children.. you don't need someone like that around them.. that can be damaging in so many more ways...

 

 

my friends have always been there , but i think after I finally told them the truth , about what he done to me.... they distanced themselves too....I am actually thinking about leaving my furniture and letting it go.... just starting fresh.... less memories and less reminders.My home is mine , thank goodness.... and my kids are a huge issue my daughter (15) doesnt want us together, my son ( 11) does...but their dad isnt very involved, dont get me wrong he gets them every other weekend as he should, but nothing more really, and my husband done lots with them.... but my daughter sees the abuse , my son doesnt yet ....my husband has already bought my daughter a car.... which i know he will give to her because he already told her it was hers.I think i dont understand because his parents have been married forever....... but even through her own admission she was very verbally abusive and controlling in her past. He loved her enough to stick it out I guess, and you know divorce is more prominent in our generation than the ones prior........they still want to see the kids no matter what happens, and the kids love them too. so I would not deny them seeing my kids . she (my MIL) does tell him hes wrong,but hes her son.

I think this is all crazy, as I was raised in an abusive family..... how did i fall here again.If my ex-husband would have done this to me, i would have been gone in a second.....he cheated(several times), he was irresponsible.... but never would have done this. He still loves me actually , and id never give him a 50th chance......though this guy makes me so sick I cant eat.......and I know its not rational......wow, this helps:) I love it here already......BTW I have been reading for a few weeks before I posted

[CopingGal]

Sorry about what happened to you. My ex psychologically and emotionally abused me. He is a disgusting monster. I hate him. I hate him.

 

I think you should get into counseling to help you through the pain and make good decisions.

[Downtown]

Hello, Mwilliams. Welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering so much from your abusive H.

Tell me Im not crazy.

You are NOT CRAZY. Moreover, if your descriptions of his behavior are accurate, neither is he. I agree with Pteromom that the behaviors you describe -- fear of abandonment, always "the victim" mentality, rapid flips from loving you to hating you, emotional instability, verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, inability to trust, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

 

Significantly, his having these traits -- even having them at a strong level -- does not necessarily mean he "has BPD." For that to be the case, the traits must be so severe that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make that determination.

 

Yet, even when BPD traits fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can make a spouse's life miserable and destroy a marriage. Moreover, after you've been living with a man for over a year, it is easy to spot the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of the traits) when you know what to look for.

 

There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. Hence, although I do not know whether your H has most BPD traits at a strong level, I am confident you will spot any and all red flags that exist if you take a little time to read about them.

He hit me ( terribly i was black n blue for 3-4 weeks after we got married we had been married about 2 months).

Given that the abuse is that severe only two months into the marriage, it almost certainly will get worse unless he gets several years of weekly therapy (a very unlikely event). Significantly, a recent Canadian study (pub. 2004) found that nearly all "batterers" have a full-blown personality disorder, the most common of which is BPD. Indeed, it found that half of the wife batterers have full blown BPD. Those results are described by Roger Melton at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

I guess I said something that set him off, he starting hitting me and I couldnt get away from him.

If your H is a BPDer, he has carried enormous anger and shame inside since childhood. You therefore don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor infraction or say some harmless thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is always there.

I took him back and he swore hed never touch me again..... and he never really has hit me again.

His not hitting you again in just the past few weeks is not much of an accomplishment. If your H is a BPDer, he has the very dangerous combination of emotional instability and enormous uncontrolled anger.

He wants to control everything from how I discipline the kids... to when and where and whom I talk to, and do.... 6 years now.... things are always his way or noway.

Because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment and are unable to trust, all of them tend to be very controlling of every aspect of the loved one's life. You are far easier to control if you have no family or friends around who might say "That's the most outrageous demand I've ever heard."

He has delayed and put off me getting all my things including changing the locks because "he didn't have a key to my house".

Forget the furniture in that rental house of his. Given how unstable and physically abusive he is, you and your children likely are at great risk just being around him. That cheap furniture, then, is the least of your concerns.

He tries some more to justify, and blame things on me.... I dont understand the mind games and control/meanness.

This attempt to control you through confusion is such a well-known hallmark of BPDers that the ex-partners have given it a name known on dozens of websites: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the house gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he sees and reads just fine.

 

Of the several dozen mental disorders listed in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the ONLY ONE that is notorious for making the spouses and partners feel like they may be going crazy. Women living with a sociopath or narcissist, for example, will be miserable and depressed. But they typically will not feel like they may be losing their minds. That "crazy making" behavior -- i.e., the gaslighting -- is only characteristic of BPD.

I NEED HELP.

I agree with CopingGal that you could benefit from seeing a clinical psychologist to obtain a candid opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits in Rebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

 

If that discussion rings a bell, I second Pteromom's suggestion that you read the articles and message boards at BPDfamily.com. And, of course, I will be happy to discuss it with you here and suggest other good online resources. Take care, Mwilliams.

[Wolfcub]

You are NOT crazy, you are the most normal and intelligent woman as can be. You are doing the only right thing - leaving him. It really doesn't matter if he can be diagnosed 100% or just a little, leave that to professionals, you have your own life to settle and you are responsible for your kids lives, you simply can't go on experimenting if, how, when he may or may not change. He had 6 years with you and he misused your trust. Its time to start your own life.

Just remember YOU are RIGHT but there will always be some relatives or distant friends who will tell you - you had to look from his point, had to understand his reasons, be just a little more patient and keep the marriage for whatever the cost. NO! That is so wrong! And as I noticed in my case - the ones saying so were insecure abused wives who would have benefited from divorce themselves. They did not have the courage, but that is no reason to stop you.

Go on and be happy!

[turnera]

If you're still around, go get this book and read it ASAP: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will explain everything.

[CopingGal]

Strong, severe traits of personality disorders are the worse...especially Cluster B.

 

My ex has sociopathic traits (traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder) and traits of Narcissitic Personality Disorder. They are part of Cluster B, along with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

When I think of someone with BPD, I think of a dark, scary storm.

 

A person does not have to have a full-blown personality disorder to be a problem. Just having the strong traits that dominate a person's personality is very serious. We all have traits of personality disorders, but when they are strong and severe and dominate a person's personality that is when you have a real problem. That is when you have to stay away. That's way I stay away from my ex. I have not seen him since November and I don't plan on ever seeing him again. You have to stay away too. Personality disorders are VERY difficult to treat....VERY, VERY difficult.