deemus Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 My boyfriend and I were at a fancy restaurant with a group of people and at the end of the meal we were mingling amongst these people. All of a sudden I lift my head up to see my boyfriend kissing the guy with an open mouth at the end of our table. It sounded like it was a dare by the reaction of the other people we were with. To be honest with you, I'm pretty grossed out by it and confused. Why would a man do this in a nice restaurant for one or on a dare. This happened on Saturday nite and he it is Tuesday and I still can't shake it. I'm sexually turned off for sure...When I asked him why he would do such a thing he ignores my question and laughs. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 that would be a deal breaker for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 If he's your long term BF then dare or not he has no right kissing ANYONE else! Link to post Share on other sites
gobain Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I hate to be politically incorrect, but I would have issues with it too. Dare or not, it takes a pretty secure guy to do that. And frankly, most guys are not that secure when it comes to homosexuality - implied or not. I would also be pretty damned turned-off by the image in my head of my boyfriend kissing another man. A double standard we are all conscious of to be sure. I would also begin to question his sexual orientation and his perception of it. I'm not saying that's right, but it's normal. And it adds a level of insecurity to the relationship that can be difficult to overcome. I hope you're a better person than I and can move past this episode. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
gobain Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 Good point Fayebelle! If it had been another woman - dare or not - I would have lost my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Author deemus Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 Deal breaker??? Should I leave him over something like this? I'm embarrassed and hurt that he would even do such a thing... joking or not it was not nice. I'm expected to act a certain way around his friends and bring him "up-a-notch" sort of speak and he goes and does this in front of them and brings me down. I'm really trying not to make a big deal out of this with him but I can't get rid of this grossed out feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 break up with a guy over this. I, too, wouldn't be able to get over the grossed out feeling not to mention how he showed no respect for you and your feelings. Who cares if it was a dare? I agree, boy - girl, it doesn't matter...even though the fact that he kissed another man would concern me more. And, who knows how far this guy is willing to take a dare.....? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I do feel sorry that men are only allowed a certain level of physical intimacy w/ their friends. I think if they are comfortable enough w/their sexuality to hug or kiss their friends than good for them BUT friends do not kiss open mouth. Family does not kiss open mouth. The type of kiss is what I find insulting more than who his partner was. That is what I find disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deemus Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 Fayebelle - The thing is the man he kissed is not his friend.. He just met him that night. I asked him about it again just 15 minutes ago and he flew off the handle saying what the f#@$ I was drunk and fooling around. I said okay that may very well be but you did not think of how it would embarrass me or make me feel. He said then I just wont take you places anymore. Now I'm even more upset! I said why would you punish me for asking about something I needed clarification on and to address to you so you know that sort of thing bothers me (boundries). He says I don't need the grief because it happened 3 days ago and I'm mentioning it to him today. I only mentioned it today because I wanted to be rational about it and he just turned it all around on me. I really don't know how to handle him on this. I do love him, but now I'm very confused because he just proved that he only has his view at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 He's prob embaressed b/c he was drunk and dumb.That's why he doesn't want it brought up. I'm concerned by his complete disrespect for you... 1st of all- your expected to "act" in a certain manner when you go out. 2nd - he kisses a complete stranger. 3rd- he blows up when you express your concerns about his behavior. 5th- he does not take time to listen to what you have to say. Let him kiss every stranger on the subway- he doesn't deserve your lips anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I must be weird but if my bf kissed a man *just for a dare*(if he was bisexual and attracted to the man perhaps it would be different) I would not have a problem with it. Three months ago my bf kissed on the lips a couple of girls (that was more probably 3 or 4 girls) in his fraternity because of silly fraternity stuff. After he kissed them on the lips a guy in his frat said he wanted to give him a kiss too.... he french-kissed him! While it took me three months to stop being upset at the *very quick kisses on lips* to those girls(partly because of his attitude), I was actually *grateful* to the male friend of his who french kissed him, given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deemus Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 Thanks everyone for making me realize that I am not crazy with this thought. Any more insight would be helpful. I really want to work this feeling out... That's why I'm here :-) I'm not ready to leave him over this but I do want to draw boundries. Link to post Share on other sites
diamondbloke Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 He is acting like he is embarrased by it, and his being drunk makes the whole ordeal make more sense. I think it is totally, impossibly ludcrious to think of something like this as a 'deal breaker'. What kind of world must someone live in to think that? We are all human beings, not perfect machines. I think there needs to be UNDERSTANDING here not condmenation. He is obviously embarrased and needs a friend and support, not why, why, why, why? How is that going to help? Of course make sure he knows how embarrased it is making you feel as well, and if you need to set boundries on drinking in public, so be it. I don't know if this is something that happens ocassionally or semi-frequently or whatever. So discuss your feelings but make sure you let him know we all make mistakes and it is something you will laugh about in the future. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other in life and relationships or it will never work. I am sorry, but I am deeply, deeply, DEEPLY offended that someone could call an incident like this a 'deal breaker'. To error is human, to forgive is devine, and to blow this up into a mountain, is idiotic. Link to post Share on other sites
gobain Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 His reaction to your bringing it up is telling. He may be questioning or becoming insecure about what it meant to kiss another man - whether it started as a joke or not. The "what if I liked it?" syndrome. His insecurity is mirrored by yours and I'm sure his reaction is purely defensive of these feelings. He is lashing out at you in response to his own feelings, not so much yours. I think he's as confused as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Behavin143 Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I would be disgusted. Not only because my serious boyfriend kissed another man, but I would be disgusted that he disrespected me like that in front of our friends. When your in a serious relationship with someone, it should be known throughout every ONE of your friends, ya'll are completely monogamous... Drunk or not. I've got completely **** faced a few times in my life..... NEVER to the point where I did NOT know what I was doing. Now, there may have been some things I didn't remember saying the next day or whatever, but I always remember what I did. Most of the time, drunk people are the most honest... so whether he may deny it nor or not.... he kissed the dude for a reason. Dare or not. He either is bi.... and cheated on you by kissing someone else (a guy or girl wouldn't make a difference to me..) and if it was a dare... and he's saying he's sorry... (he STILL should of been in his right mind to know what he was doing, and it would STILL be cheating to ME.) If however, he WASN'T in his right mind, and DIDN'T know what he was doing, and DOESN'T remember doing it....... he needs to think about getting help for his drinking problem because if he gets to that point, that's definitely not a healthy thing. OTHERWISE, in my opinion....... I'd get rid of his butt in a second. LIKE I tell everyone, these are my opinions.. and Lord knows I'm more opinionated than some...... and God knows.. they may not always be right. That's why they are opinions. Gooood luck. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I would break up with anyone who didn't care to acknowledge my feelings whether they were right or wrong he should help you get through what is bothering with you. He doesn't seem to care and just brushes you off. You can't have an intimate relationship with someone with that kind of attitude towaards you - it won't last under such circumstances. Be sure you are as non-asccusatory as possible in your approach, of course, but if he's completely unwilling to work through the matter, can his ass. Does he ever behave this way? It sounds like a symptom of another problem you too, have, and I don't think his attitude is very good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 this post can be taken so many ways with 1 real answer huh? You should leave him. Dares: are we adults? Who does things on a dare? Ask him to have sex with another man on a dare. You are a couple: what is he doing anything like that with another for any reason He frenched another guy: he's gay...if he wasn't gay he wouldn't do it. If he wasn't gay he wouldn't react like he would when asked about it. Many times people use an excuse like the dare to mask an intention. Use the dare for anything. Dare him to fellate or give/receive anal from another man or jump off a building. Why won't he? Hmm, ask him to give me all his money... hehe yeah, this situation should be looked at objectively, male or female...whatever the dare is in question. Like the old addage, would you jump off a cliff/bridge if everyone else did? hmm "I dare you to do something that offends your girlfriend." "Ok, because it's a dare it's ok...and if she objects to it she's a prude. I can use the dare as an excuse for anything." Link to post Share on other sites
Dee Dee Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Well you certainly gave me something to think about - my husband is a cross dresser and getting ready to overseas to meet up a "girl" (yeah right) for a week. I've been wondering how I am going to feel if I see photos (he downloads pictureds and thinks I can't pull them up). At any rate I don't know what I am going to do OR how I am going to feel IF I see something "suggestive" between the two of them. I can only imagine that you must be blown away! Hang in there! Dee Dee Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME- Is this the guy from Peek-a- boo marriage?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author deemus Posted June 29, 2004 Author Share Posted June 29, 2004 Hi all...Here is an update. Yes this is the same man in my other post regarding peek-a-boo marriage. I wanted to let you all know that I took a calm approach to this matter and calmly expressed to him how embarrassing this whole situation was to me and for him to respect that the next time he feels impulsive. At first he said, "fine I won't take you out with me anymore if what I do bothers you!!" I responded saying, "that will not solve anything and I'm just expressing how your actions embarrassed me!" He remained silent, but showed me the day after I addressed this to him how sorry he was. He apologized for his anger, but did not mention the act. I really want to believe that the whole thing was a freak thing and hopefully he will be more careful with my feelings in the future. I am still on guard... Link to post Share on other sites
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