Pressure to Marry

[trubeliever]

After 6 months of seeing my boyfriend he asked me to marry him. We are both in our forties. He has been married once before and has 6 children, 2 of them he is still supporting. His credit is ruined from vehicle repossessions, past medical bills and whatever else keeps popping up. He also isn't employed at the moment.

 

Myself, I have never been married, nor do I have any children. I have my own business for the past twenty years, have average credit, have money saved in the bank, and come from a farming family that owns a lot of land. Taking all of this into consideration and quite frankly I am deathly afraid of making a mistake, I explained to him that I didn't want to be in a big hurry.

 

My family expressed to me that they would like me to get a pre-nup agreement because I stand to inherit family property one day. I mentioned this to him and he said he didn't mind signing one. But I am still having a hard time making a commitment. Shouldn't all of his debt be a concern for me? I love him but I don't want to be held liable for his debt.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Hi there,

 

Do you feel that he wants you for your money? Do you think he has always had an ulterior motive? If he is someone with integrity and self-respect then he probably won't touch the wife's finances - but if he's conniving and devious then he might. You'll have to assess his true character keeping aside your emotions and love for him.

 

I am tempted to say that he might want material/ financial gain from you given the fact that he has 6 children and all those debts and he might emotionally blackmail you since you don't have any kids - in that case, you need to assess to what extent are you strong headed and if push comes to shove, what are you capable of doing? Can you take him to court if your relations go sour?

 

What do your parents think about him?

 

Kind regards,

ReneeMalcolm

[TaraMaiden]

You should first of all consult with a lawyer to ascertain whether you would ever be held liable for his outstanding debts (accrued before you and he ever got together/married) and make sure that there is something in writing rendering you independent and exempt from all and any repercussions or consequences of any of his personal debts.

[TigerCub]

Money or no money, 6 months seems like waaay too early to be talking marriage, IMO.

 

Why doesn't he have a job? - again this is not really a money issue, but don't you want a partner that has employment, drive and is self sufficient?

(If its a medical thing - I understand), if its because of the economy and he got laid off, I'd ask how long has he been out of work?

 

Why the bad money management skills on his side? Does he at least try to cut back on expenses and pay off these debts?

 

Is this really a guy that you see yourself with forever?

 

If it were me, I would just be honest and say that its way too early for this - if we're still good by the 2 year mark - then yeah, lets do it.

 

And definitely get the prenup (just in case) - but hopefully by then, you'd know so much more about him - but it doesn't hurt to be covered.

[RiverRunning]

You should first of all consult with a lawyer to ascertain whether you would ever be held liable for his outstanding debts (accrued before you and he ever got together/married) and make sure that there is something in writing rendering you independent and exempt from all and any repercussions or consequences of any of his personal debts.

 

This, OP.

 

His money problems should be a concern - why does he have so much debt? Why isn't he working? Have you met his kids (and do you think you can stand to be around each other)? 6 months is pretty quick. Do you already live together? Have you gone on a trip together, finished a project, handled a big problem?

 

I think that one year of dating is a MINIMUM before ANYONE should get engaged - but obviously there are tons of couples who do it after just a few months. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I agree, six months is QUICK.