SomedayDig Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Nothing yet, W was telling her gf that we are trying to R on her way to work. So I get that everybody thinks it's a bad idea to give her another chance? That's totally up to you H4B. Now, remember, my wife had a 5 year affair. It was hard enough for me to get where I am 11 weeks out. That said, if she had gone to meet the guy (or any other) AFTER dday...I would have been out the door. To each his own, however your wife's actions spoke pretty loudly to me and I'm not even there. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 That's totally up to you H4B. Now, remember, my wife had a 5 year affair. It was hard enough for me to get where I am 11 weeks out. That said, if she had gone to meet the guy (or any other) AFTER dday...I would have been out the door. To each his own, however your wife's actions spoke pretty loudly to me and I'm not even there. Yep, her level of disrespecting you is a deal breaker in my book. Why is it ok that she banged that guy after d day? Why are you willing to overlook that bad behavior without a consequence? At this point - its about YOU and your lack of respecting YOURSELF by allowing it and staying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Why is it ok that she banged that guy after d day? Why are you willing to overlook that bad behavior without a consequence? To sum up she said she was 'acting out' on A part, and that it was 'stupid mistake' what she did that day and pleaded to give her another chance. I was thinking the same, she should do the time for her crime if at all I decided to stay, what consequence if any other than D, any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 A mistake is adding two numbers wrong on your income tax return. You don't 'mistakenly' have sex. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 To sum up she said she was 'acting out' on A part, and that it was 'stupid mistake' what she did that day and pleaded to give her another chance. I was thinking the same, she should do the time for her crime if at all I decided to stay, what consequence if any other than D, any thoughts? You are still in "BS fog" and are not seeing things clearly. At a minimum, you need to separate from her so you get a chance to clear you head without her continual manipulation. I understand, really - I do. I know how you feel right now and your desperate desire to get back to normal. Like so many others you are probably going to have to continue learning the hard way. But on the off chance you have seen enough lying, cheating, and disrespectful behavior from your wife and are ready to take some action to begin healing yourself, listen to what people are telling you here on LS. Your situation seems hopeless unless you get off on the whole cuckold thing - which seems highly doubtful. You also seem unwilling to accept that it's hopeless but you still looking for a way to show her there are consequences for her actions short of divorce. Separation seems like the perfect answer since it accomplishes the consequences thing while giving you a chance to really ponder what she has done and decide whether you want to continue living your life with this woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 As am I. Not going to comment on the rest of your post as that would take things further off topic. What do you think about it all so far, Anne, hope you keep posting your insights? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 I know how you feel right now and your desperate desire to get back to normal. Like so many others you are probably going to have to continue learning the hard way. But on the off chance you have seen enough lying, cheating, and disrespectful behavior from your wife and are ready to take some action to begin healing yourself, listen to what people are telling you here on LS. I DO value all the advises that are given to me, and DID act on quite few of them. Normalcy not so much I am into these days, still confused - still on the roller coaster - , but W is doing everything to be 'normal' before A and that kinda alarms me; I hope she isn't acting or it's Oscar worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 What do you think about it all so far, Anne, hope you keep posting your insights? To be honest, not good. Your wife having sex with someone else after dday really is a slap in the face (putting it mildly). It shows a total disregard for you and actually herself. This may be the crux of it - she sees herself as worthless trash so that is how she acts. The question is really what do you think. Do you believe that she wants to be with you? Do you believe she truly regrets what she has done? Not that she has been caught but that she has betrayed your trust and love. Do you still believe there is a chance? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 The question is really what do you think. Do you believe that she wants to be with you? Do you believe she truly regrets what she has done? Not that she has been caught but that she has betrayed your trust and love. Do you still believe there is a chance? That's just it, W still wanted A only a week ago and now she tells me that she wants us to be normal like it used to be, displaying affections?? Remorseful, yes, she's shown plenty of that, I am just having hard time believing her right now... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 That's because she hasn't done a thing to earn any trust back. Any sex you get right now is designed as control and manipulation. She may not want to lose your income. It doesn't mean she intends to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 I asked her to quit her job, she did call to quit just now, hoping to work on M. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Hope it works out for you. You need to sit down and make a list of all the things that need to happen in order for reconciliation to take place. 1. NC with OM, for life. 2. Quit her job. 3. MC jointly with you. 4. IC seperatly to help her sort through all of this. 5. "Open book" availability going foward. Access to emails, phone, etc... and be willing to answer any/all questions you ahve about the affair. This is a MUST for rebuilding trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Hope it works out for you. You need to sit down and make a list of all the things that need to happen in order for reconciliation to take place. 1. NC with OM, for life. 2. Quit her job. 3. MC jointly with you. 4. IC seperatly to help her sort through all of this. 5. "Open book" availability going foward. Access to emails, phone, etc... and be willing to answer any/all questions you ahve about the affair. This is a MUST for rebuilding trust. Thanks, Owl. This is a big deal for her since she isn't sure we will work out, and losing her medical benefits for kids as well. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Thanks, Owl. This is a big deal for her since she isn't sure we will work out, and losing her medical benefits for kids as well. She should legally have an option to continue medical benefits for at least 18 months after she quits. Did she stay home today? If she did - has she had no contact with her OM? Did she spend some energy today looking for new work? She will get a new job if she spends time and energy looking for something new? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 She should legally have an option to continue medical benefits for at least 18 months after she quits. Did she stay home today? If she did - has she had no contact with her OM? Did she spend some energy today looking for new work? She will get a new job if she spends time and energy looking for something new? I would be interested to know how she can continue medical for that long for our own sake, and no contact whatsoever with OM, she is not gonna look for a job for few months until we sort our M out, continuing MC. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I would be interested to know how she can continue medical for that long for our own sake, and no contact whatsoever with OM, she is not gonna look for a job for few months until we sort our M out, continuing MC. She CAN work and participate in the recovery of the M at the same time! Come on! If she's not working - she will have MORE time to be in contact with her OM. Ask her employer how she can continue health benefits. Where I am - they are offered for 18 months - albeit a policy premium is paid by the person who quit (which is good reason for her to work too- to cover the premium amount). No reason why she can't be working and making an income! IF you end up divorcing you want her working! If she's not you will be asked to pay WAY more support money if she's NOT WORKINg! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 No reason why she can't be working and making an income! IF you end up divorcing you want her working! If she's not you will be asked to pay WAY more support money if she's NOT WORKINg! We decided, for time being, it was best to take some time off to work on M. I am currently NOT working so we will have to rely on savings for now. The reason she quit her work is that she was involved with a guy she works with - even though it was one time - , so I am not sure it's a good idea to even consider going back to that job unless W can deal with what happened with him, she says she can. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 We decided, for time being, it was best to take some time off to work on M. I am currently NOT working so we will have to rely on savings for now. The reason she quit her work is that she was involved with a guy she works with - even though it was one time - , so I am not sure it's a good idea to even consider going back to that job unless W can deal with what happened with him, she says she can. I already knew all that. Quitting her work is part of having no contact with her OM. But that has no bearing on taking other work. That goes for you too. You need to work too - to participate in helping support the family too. It helps most men with having a sense of purpose and accomplishing somehing new each day. You two should have plenty of time to still stay connected and work on the M recovering - IF it's both of your priorities you'll make it happen. For her to even think for a moment of being at work with her OM should not be a consideration at ALL in HER mind!!! No contact means no communication and no seeing him - EVER! She must be willing to do anything to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 I do work at home, haven't been lately though. Need to get back to that mode soon as I am ready to. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 You want her WORKING! Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 I would be interested to know how she can continue medical for that long for our own sake, and no contact whatsoever with OM, she is not gonna look for a job for few months until we sort our M out, continuing MC. It's called COBRA and means that she can continue benefits for at least 18 months - maybe longer. Check into it. Of course her company stops making their contribution and you have to pay it all, but it is at the group rate and cheaper than you will find anywhere else. Whether you reconcile or not is up to you and you should do what's best for YOU in the long run. The cheap forgiveness BS's offer their cheating spouses early on doesn't work for long, so take your time and have the courage to follow through on those things you believe are right for you. I wish you luck and really hope you can find peace and recover from what your wife has done to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 You want her WORKING! W is talking about going back to same work in about a month, insisting that it was just ONS thing with her collegue and nothing will ever happen again with him...don't I need to start trusting her at some point again? Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Jesus.... NO! Trusting her and her working with the GUY SHE ****ED are mutually exclusive.... Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 W is talking about going back to same work in about a month, insisting that it was just ONS thing with her collegue and nothing will ever happen again with him...don't I need to start trusting her at some point again? H4B, yes . . . you need to redevelop the trust again with your wife, but I think her leaving the job was a good move. She needs to remove herself from the temptation of the OM and in that environment, it won't be completely possible. As you said, work on your marriage right now. Get things to a point where they are good again. She needs to earn trust back, not simply expect it because she's decided to stay. One night stands are still a violation of your marriage pact and she can't fall back on that as "reasonably better" by comparison than an affair. Neither is good. Once you are both at a stable point again and she's earning your trust back and you can account for her whereabouts, etc, then have her begin looking for a new job, but not *that* job. I'm glad things are going in the right direction for you. Seems like there are so few successful marriage outcomes after infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 I don't see what your wife has been doing to change things. Counseling? No contact with her OM? Wants to go backwards by going back to that job where he is? Does she know exactly why SHE cheated? She doesn't look like she's doing what's necessary to repair the damage she's done - or to heal the M. She really hasn't even gotten started!!!!! Say no to her returning to that job! She can get a job somewhere new - anywhere else but there! Link to post Share on other sites
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