Author Hoping4Better Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 :(I am sorry you are hurting. Nothing any of us will make you feel better or ease your pain. Again..I am sorry. I just don't know if I did everything humanly possible to save M, I have to wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I just don't know if I did everything humanly possible to save M, I have to wonder. Since she is in a fog and not doing everything possible to repair the damage she caused - there's nothing more you can DO without being her doormat! It's not possible to keep her from cheating! And since she's not honest and working on the M - she will cheat again. She's probably cheating even now. You now keep changing your expectations and boundary. You shouldn't "have to OVERLOOK AFFAIRS!" that's absurd. Why aren't you expecting MORE from yourself? You deserve better than what she has offered to you. Stop Channing the boundary by lowering your standards to suit her cheating ways. No one should need to "lower standards to suit the cheater better!!!!" I'm sorry it hurts! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 I am a fool I guess, still hoping she would beg me for another chance and spill the beans! I know I am pathetic! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I am a fool I guess, still hoping she would beg me for another chance and spill the beans! I know I am pathetic! Absolutely no to this. You are not a fool for wanting and trying to do the right thing in your marriage. Your wife is the fool for throwing it all away for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Anne, I just wanted ask your thoughts on what W might be thinking: I found out that she cheated on me before this A and really don't know if 'us' will work out, got this from VAR I planted in her car when she was talking to her friends. She said she thinks about OM still, also said she felt the love for me after the last MC saying that I finally understood what she is feeling about me. Now if I turn a blind eye to the previous A and still wanting to R, do you think I am just too optimistic or this M over? Is it too early to give up? So cheated with another OM before this affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I'm so sorry, Hoping. You seem to have tried; unfortunately you can't do it alone. Your wife is a fool for not recognizing the chance you were giving her. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 In a few years, after you've found a woman who will be grateful she found you and make you feel like a king, you'll wonder why you waited so long to ditch the dead weight. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I am a fool I guess, still hoping she would beg me for another chance and spill the beans! I know I am pathetic! In hindsight you now think you were pathetic, but you're not being fair to yourself. You were acting out of panic; desperately trying to right your emotional ship after the devastation her betrayal caused. Now you are finally seeing things more clearly and have begun acting in your own best interests, and you are to be commended for this courageous step forward. Think of your behavior to this point as the necessary steps to get to where you are now. Without her full dedication to repairing the damage she did to you and your marriage, the reconciliation was not going to work. You gave it all you could, she didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
c0nfuzd Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) at least you tried bro....u can walk with ur head high Edited June 1, 2012 by c0nfuzd Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 These butterflies in my stomach won't go away, if she wasn't pushed into a corner and be able to breathe, she says, 'we' could've have worked out. She kept saying there was nothing other than what I know going on and she told me she will give me the polygraph test I so desperately need to prove whatever. I don't get it, wouldn't it be easier if she just told me to get this M over with instead having to wait to set up the test? I know she's lying, what is she thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Tell what you know but don't reveal the sources Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I am a fool I guess, still hoping she would beg me for another chance and spill the beans! I know I am pathetic! She certainly could beg you for another chance H4B. Something is keeping her from doing that. Whether it's her pride, thoughts of the OM, or just the fact that she wasn't emotionally into the marriage the way that she should have been remains an unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I am a fool I guess, still hoping she would beg me for another chance and spill the beans! I know I am pathetic! And you're not pathetic H4B. These are situations many of us here have experienced, some very recently. It's never fun and it hurts for quite a long time . . . even for me to think back to how I felt some 17 years ago brings back those awful feelings. But I'm much happier right now with my current wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 2, 2012 Author Share Posted June 2, 2012 Yeah, it hurts like a hell! Tonight as I headed out to my sister's, STBX asked if I could stay the night so I am thinking 'what?' yeah sure I expected something to happen whatever it might be, but NOTHING - no talk or most importantly no sex, how weak I am, I know - she is playing games with me now! I am so done with her and now considering moving to Burnaby, BC (only 3 hours away so I can come see my kids when I want to with ease), and excited about new adventure and life! Single again, yeah, can't wait! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 6, 2012 Author Share Posted June 6, 2012 I am still in the house, waiting for house refi to go thru so I can get my money and move out. It's so hard to see or talk her without bringing up A, but I have to accept the fact thst she's planned her life without me for some time now. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted June 6, 2012 Share Posted June 6, 2012 I am still in the house, waiting for house refi to go thru so I can get my money and move out. It's so hard to see or talk her without bringing up A, but I have to accept the fact thst she's planned her life without me for some time now. If she wanted the marriage to endure H4B, the truth is, she would have fought for it. People who "slip" into affairs and then realize the huge mistake that they made will do nearly anything to get the marriage back together and beg for forgiveness. But so many people who enter into affairs have already moved on and I'm pretty sure she checked out on you quite some time back. Her lack of action to save the marriage reveal where she's really at. As I just told Pete in his thread, get out there and find a worthy woman as soon as this divorce is finalized. Don't sit around thinking of your ex. It serves no purpose. You need to get back into living your life. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 You can still have the last laugh by going out and GAL. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 If she wanted the marriage to endure H4B, the truth is, she would have fought for it. People who "slip" into affairs and then realize the huge mistake that they made will do nearly anything to get the marriage back together and beg for forgiveness. But so many people who enter into affairs have already moved on and I'm pretty sure she checked out on you quite some time back. Her lack of action to save the marriage reveal where she's really at. As I just told Pete in his thread, get out there and find a worthy woman as soon as this divorce is finalized. Don't sit around thinking of your ex. It serves no purpose. You need to get back into living your life. Or just find a great way to be happy all on your own - then when you do spend time with others - its just a bonus! Our happiness should not depend upon whether or not someone is with us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Update...3 days after I moved out of the house, STBX wanted me back and crying the whole time telling me how much she loves me and we were meant for each other. So I did go back, the best sex ever; I still have my own place for now as this doesn't mean anything yet in my mind. She calls him the next day and breaks off with him on the speaker phone, he doesn't know I am listening and says ok and nothing more; just like that, it almost feels like it's orchestrated. She tells me that she missed me terribly so the last few days and never want to be apart again; so confusing when she even told me that she saw OM 3 days prior my moving out. She wants to start MC back up again to R and I can see the changes in her attitude, constant show of affections, is she back or acting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) Positive "lies" & acts she did since we 'got back': - will go anywhere with me, want to be where I am, - ok to postnup, - NO contact with OM, - constant show of affections, and handing over her share of divorce settlement. Negatives: - doesn't think letting OMW(she is sick w/ alzhimers) know is a good idea, - keeping the job for financial reasons unless absolutely necessary, and still denying that there were previous A. I really don't have any clue at this juncture what's my best move is, any input will be greatly valued. Edited June 17, 2012 by Hoping4Better Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Trust your instincts H4B. If you had the slightest feeling that that phone call was orchestrated, chances are it was! And still denying previous affairs is a deal breaker in my mind. Trust yourself. That is your best move. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) Follow the gut OP. As for the rest, trust, but verify. Don't tell her anything about VAR/keylogger and if you don't have them, plant them. Plant one on her phone too. Also, bye-bye job, she has to get a new one. My guess is that he kept her at arm's lengths, and she realised you were her only chance emotionally. The one thing that bothers me is her reluctance to inform the OMW's who has Alzheimers. It could be because she doesn't want a sick person to suffer, she doesn't want to see herself as a bad person [still shows disconnect to what she did to you]. Or it could mean that she doesn't want to burn bridges with the OM, in which case the phone being real or not doesn't mean much. She could just inform his family generally, not just her, so that the information for what he did stays out there. During the MC when you ask her if she cheated before this, she will tell you she didn't. Then tell her you know she did, and to stop the act. If she won't, you book a polygraph. If she passes the polygraph and she goes in without getting scared, you leave her. You can pass one of those by believing the lies you say, and this is horrible for your future with her. Give her rope to hang herself with, but when you do this ... do it after the postnup and after you have your ducks in a row. You have my permission to act like an ******* with her for once. Edited June 17, 2012 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
jennifer90 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 This is really suck. I am sorry for you and the kids. I don't have much experience but I think you need sometimes to keep yourself calm. When your mind is screwed up, u won't b able to make a right decision. A straight talk would help but it has to be in the right time. Go somewhere for a couple days . I hope you will be strong to get over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 The one thing that bothers me is her reluctance to inform the OMW's who has Alzheimers. It could be because she doesn't want a sick person to suffer, she doesn't want to see herself as a bad person [still shows disconnect to what she did to you]. Or it could mean that she doesn't want to burn bridges with the OM, in which case the phone being real or not doesn't mean much. She could just inform his family generally, not just her, so that the information for what he did stays out there. She told me that OMW found out not once but twice already, once by accident and once by my letter left on her door, and that she doesn't want to inform her of A again. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 doesn't think letting OMW(she is sick w/ alzhimers) know is a good idea,Too bad so sad. This is YOUR decision, not hers. If she wants you back, she will do what YOU want. See, she is already manipulating you again. Didn't take much, did it? Just some great sex and hand-holding. Good grief. - keeping the job for financial reasons unless absolutely necessary,And that is a BIG HELL NO, H4B. Why on earth would you even CONSIDER taking her back if she won't do this? Tell her "Let me know when you have a new job. Then we'll talk." Here's what really happened. You moved out, she and OM had wild crazy sex all over your house, wore themselves out, and then she got some bills in the mail and said, holy crap! I need to get him back in the house before I have to start paying all this on my own! So she and OM sat down and worked out the arrangements for what she'd have to do to convince you to come home, so they could take their affair underground and still have you paying for everything. Thus, the 'ok' when she called him. I'll bet she even told him what time of day she was gonna call him to give him the 'big speech.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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