Received a marriage proposal...but still require some suggestions..

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear All

 

This is in continuation of my previous thread titled 'I need a miracle'. Needless to provide a recap as you all may read that thread.

 

I have received a marriage proposal. In fact this man and his family approached us almost 2 years back but due to certain factors we had said no - they have now approached us again asking for a response. If I may, let me explain why I refused initially.

 

The man is very respectable, sophisticated, intellectual, foreign qualified, is a vice president in a bank and is in his mid 30s. The problem is that his parents are divorced (because his father was and still is an alcoholic) and despite the divorce they live in the same premises (although in two separate houses - so the son, mother and sister are in one house and the father and other son are in the other house). Given this rather unsavoury situation I had set two conditions (a) either the son relocates to a foreign country or (b) lives independently in our own house in the same city where we are now. To the former he refused and said not in the immediate future. To the latter he said he wanted to live independently with his wife too but that would take a couple of years. So until then I would have to tolerate his family. And honestly I don't really know his family that well - his mother is very polite and sweet on the surface but we don't know what she's really like from inside. His sister was quite reserved (hostile actually) and that might be due to the fact that she's over 30 and not married so might have a complex.

 

Any suggestions as to what should I do? He does fit the criteria that I have in mind for a perfect match. It's just that the family situation is rather awkward and I do have a doubt in my heart as well regarding the true nature of this man. He seems too good to be true. Too chivalrous and cultured - almost like a prince courting a girl out of a fairytale.

 

Again please bear in mind that I'm already 27 and any marriage that I enter will be a gamble. One can never really predict what will happen in the future.

 

Thanks so much!

 

Regards,

ReneeMalcolm

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry, but aren't you a lesbian?

Why contemplate marriage to a man which ultimately would leave you isolated and frustrated anyway?

This is a genuine question - you had a thread about you and your female lover, didn't you?

[CarrieT]

He is the Vice President of a bank and can't get his own place?

 

Dealbreaker...

[ReneeMalcolm]

Well he is the vice president of a certain department within the bank. For your knowledge many departments within banks have vice presidents. At the moment his assets are tied up in the two houses that they presently own. And I don't think he doesn't want to shift because of a financial issue, it's probably more so to do with leaving his mother and sister.

[westrock]

Any suggestions as to what should I do? He does fit the criteria that I have in mind for a perfect match. It's just that the family situation is rather awkward and I do have a doubt in my heart as well regarding the true nature of this man. He seems too good to be true. Too chivalrous and cultured - almost like a prince courting a girl out of a fairytale.

 

I always find it interesting when people make a list of someone who would be a perfect match, and then when they actually find someone who fits that list, they think it must be too good to be true. To me this means that there are other criteria that you have not acknowledged on your list and your mind is telling you he doesn't meet those other criteria, or it means that you don't believe you deserve this person.

 

However, does he really fit all your criteria for a perfect match? If you find the family situation awkward and you have doubt about his true nature, then you need to reassess whether these two criteria should be added to your list of the perfect match (ie. he must have a good family situation, and I must be comfortable that he has good intentions for us).

 

Please understand that you are never going to find a perfect match. Every person will have some issue or quality that doesn't match up. But, you also don't need to find a perfect match to be happy. The key is that you have to decide what issues are deal breakers and which ones you can either live with or reach a compromise. Having doubts about his true nature, is a big issue, but is more likely a sign that you just don't know him enough yet to make a proper assessment. On the family situation, again, you have proposed a solution, but it seems he is not willing to compromise on it. That tells you a lot about whether he is willing or even able to compromise or not on the family situation.

 

Can you get to know him and his family better so that you can make a better assessment?

[CarrieT]

On the family situation, again, you have proposed a solution, but it seems he is not willing to compromise on it. That tells you a lot about whether he is willing or even able to compromise or not on the family situation.

^^ THIS ^^

 

And it may also tell you if he is willing to compromise on other issues that could arise in the future.

[Stupid Girl]

I'm sorry, but aren't you a lesbian?

Why contemplate marriage to a man which ultimately would leave you isolated and frustrated anyway?

This is a genuine question - you had a thread about you and your female lover, didn't you?

A very fundamental question left unaddressed.

 

You seem to have some strange ideals of what your life at certain ages and your relationship/marriage should be, OP.

[ReneeMalcolm]

TaraMaiden and StupidGirl

 

Yes I certainly did have a thread regarding a girl who I was in love with there is no doubt about that. But if you had read that threat carefully you would have known how and why I fell in love with her, the fact that I have never been with anyone ever before, the fact that it was a tragedy, the fact that I didn't fall for her because she was a girl, but because of the impact she had on my life and my mind. Sometimes when people are going through emotional upheavals and are generally upset they fall for people they would never even have imagined about. If you both had read that thread carefully you wouldn't have have labelled me as a 'lesbian' which I am not since I haven't had a relationship with a woman ever nor with a man. I was in love with her, yes that I cannot deny! But obviously I cannot and will not marry a woman.

 

And if you both don't have any suggestions regarding my query, then I would kindly suggest you don't respond to my thread as your comments were certainly not helpful but were rather hurtful. That girl hurt me emotionally or rather ruined me. That is why I came on this site to get over her. I have been desperate to get married for a very long time and to start a family and when I post comments asking for advice regarding a matrimonial situation, it was extremely rude of both of you to bring up something that caused me a tremendous amount of pain and anguish.

 

Don't contact me again.

[TaraMaiden]

ReneeMalcom, no offence was intended, but if you post on a public forum, the public will respond. It's not possible, in general, to be able to prevent or forbid people from posting in your thread, in an effort to add some constructive feedback or assistance.

I was merely seeking clarification of that specific factor in order to be able to reply to your questions more succinctly.

 

However, my opinion of the situation between you and this man, would be to continue exercising caution.

If the familial situation gives you cause for concern, then hesitation on your part is both understandable and commendable.

it should also be noted that if there is alcoholism in the family, this can be an inherited trait.

with regard to your previous situation with the young lady you had a relationship, notwithstanding the fact that you had a sad and sorry experience with her, your own personal happiness, with regard to your sexuality should neither be discounted nor dismissed.

If you have an affinity towards members of your own sex, you would have to consider therefore whether the sacrifice of your natural inclinations would be something you would be able to contend with, in entering into a marriage with a man.

It is important that you consider all practical matters in a balanced and clear-sighted way.

it is equally important - if not more so - that you do not compromise or sacrifice your own personal emotional aims in attaining a happy and fulfilled love life.

[CarrieT]

TBut obviously I cannot and will not marry a woman.

 

It is not obvious and being rude to people trying to help you isn't going to change the fact that you have a backstory which necessitates clarification.

 

We who spend a lot of time here try to look at people's histories to help them in their decision making.

 

Your reaction to StupidGirl and TaraMaiden is telling that you are acting selfishly; I don't believe you really love the man who proposed to you but are looking for a form of meal ticket but might be concerned you won't get it if he is still living with his family. At least that is how it appears to me.

[ReneeMalcolm]

CarrieT

 

Honestly speaking I don't know what your level of education is but I can certainly analyse what your intellectual as well as moral status is. I don't feel I have to justify anything about my life to you. You are not doing a favour to me by posting comments on my page - you are not helping in fact you are simply misbehaving deliberately.

 

You are a very selfish person for not being understanding and sympathetic to others problems.

 

Now I would suggest you don't contact me either or I shall send your name to the LoveShack administrators for harassing me. If you contact me again the message you're conveying is that you're seriously interested in my life. Don't give me that impression and post selfish and demeaning comments elsewhere.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Note to anyone who wishes to comment on my post:

If you wish to misbehave with me and be blatantly disrespectful then kindly don't post a comment. As it is I am very upset and I only created a profile on this website and starting posting threads thinking that perhaps I might find compassionate voices to console and comfort, not to pour salt over the wounds.

 

If you do have a conscience then I would advise you not to contact me if your comments are deliberately harsh and provocative.

[CarrieT]

CarrieT

 

Honestly speaking I don't know what your level of education is

I have multiple advanced degrees, thank-you-very-much...

 

And your 27 years shows your immaturity if you can't see how people here are trying to help you.

 

It is pretty easy: You have stated doubts about his nature and given him two alternatives, neither of which he has agreed to. Don't accept the marriage proposal.

[firemanq]

Is there a troll button yet?

[ReneeMalcolm]

Carrie T

 

People generally on this site have helped me - I can clearly see that and if you read my comments for every thread I have posted, you'd know how thankful I have been to them.

 

There were three exceptions to this however (including yourself) who mocked me and responded to me aggressively to which then hurt as I am, I had to retaliate. If this is proof of my 'immaturity' then so be it.

 

Having multiple degrees is one thing and having common sense is another.

 

No one is compelling you to provide advice for me - so you don't have to in future.

 

Thanks.

[ReneeMalcolm]

TaraMaiden

 

Thank you for your valuable insight and taking out time to respond to my query.

 

ReneeMalcolm

[Stupid Girl]

OP, nobody is "misbehaving" or disrespecting you. LS is not always for coddling and head patting - sometimes tough love is required. This is the case here.

 

Depending on where you live - most first-world, liberal countries do allow homosexual marriage, and at your age, you should understand there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you feel attraction toward men as well as women, then you are a bisexual by definition. And that's completely okay. It seem you are so vehemently against what you are, because it goes against what you feel you should be.

 

I believe Tara and I WERE responding to your query. You posted this thread asking if you should marry a man in his mid-30s who's still living at home, simply because you are admittedly desperate for marriage. The obvious answer is NO. You should marry somebody because you know them well enough to determine your compatability, not because you're sad that your friends or culture or religion tell you you should already be married. It seems you want to believe this guy is perfect and too good to be true (although he certainly doesn't sound it, from an objective outsider perspective) just so you can justify giving into your desperation and getting married ASAP because you feel it's the right thing to do. Hint: it's not. Your story of you encounter with the woman was written one month ago, asking how to "get her out of your system". The solution is not to immediately jump into a marriage. Deal with your hurt and confusion from that situation before throwing another relationship with a man you know very little into the mix.

[ReneeMalcolm]

StupidGirl

 

When you have nothing kind to share then there really seems like no reason for you to continously respond to this post. If you are merely responding in order to strengthen your upper hand in an argument, then you may go ahead and 'bark'. When you are talking about my culture, religion or sexuality honestly speaking, you are not qualified to come to a conclusion. You are a nobody; you aren't a qualified arbiter to make concrete suggestions or recommendations especially if you are showing such strong levels of hostility. Bringing my culture into this clearly sounds what I thought was bothering you all from the beginning and that is utterly racist. You can contest that all you want but it is implicit in your hostile comments.

 

As far as that girl is concerned because of which I created this profile, she was a bastard as are many others in this world. I thought I would find good people on this site to share my troubles with, but alas there is an abundance of meanness globally. My posts are for those who have something genuine to offer. For those like you who wish to mock and question my sexuality, religion and culture, then if you wish to continue 'barking' you may do so.

 

I have nothing further to say to you. I don't wish to stoop to your level.

[CarrieT]

There were three exceptions to this however (including yourself) who mocked me and responded to me aggressively to which then hurt as I am, I had to retaliate. If this is proof of my 'immaturity' then so be it.

I am going to call you on this and point to your extremely aggressive response to those trying to help you. None of us are mocking you at all. You have opened a discussion on a public board and have no rights to advise who and who cannot respond. Threatening to report someone and insulting those who have done nothing wrong only expands on the vitriolic attitude that you are permeating.

 

Having multiple degrees is one thing and having common sense is another.

“Common sense is seeing things as they are; and doing things as they ought to be.”

 

To return to the topic - why do YOU think he has not compromised to your requests? If you stated them forthright as a contingency to marriage, do you believe he can change your mind by being that "fairytale prince?"

[ReneeMalcolm]

Oh and another thing. I love myself very much and am 'vehemently' in support of whatever I am and whatever I stand for. I don't have to justify my morals, feelings, thoughts, preferences and ambitions to the likes of you. You don't know me on a personal level so these judgemental comments only show your hatred towards me and I'm guessing it's due to the fact that you know I am a Muslim. I'm not that 'stupid'.

[ReneeMalcolm]

CarrieT

 

I don't require your suggestions any longer so why do you continue to respond? I think you are a useless person who clearly has nothing better to do. Yes I will retaliate if people are being bitchy and rude towards me. Many others have helped me on this site and I have shown my gratitude towards them. Seriously you are shameless to even keep responding when it is my post and I can't tolerate you. But you may go ahead... if this keeps you occupied then obviously I can't stop you.

[westrock]

Renee,

 

I posted earlier and you did not reply to my post. I don't know if I was helpful to you or not, and maybe I will receive back a strong response from you similar to your posts to the others on this thread, but in reading the exchange of posts you are having with the other posters, I am left wondering what kind of responses are you looking for? Do you want advice, outside opinions, emotional support, someone to agree with you? If you can be more clear, perhaps you will get replies that you feel are supportive.

 

I do not think the other posters are being mean or hurtful to you. They are pointing out things to you that may be painful for you, but they are doing that in an effort to help you focus on issues that you may be finding painful.

 

Whenever I see someone respond back so strongly to a post, usually to me it means that the person is in great emotional pain and a sensitive issue has been raised and the natural response is to retaliate. Instead, maybe take a moment to digest what the others are saying. We are only replying back based on what you have posted. If we have hit a sensitive topic, please say so. If we are wrong, perhaps ask yourself what it was that you originally wrote that may be leading the others to respond in such a way. If we have misread the facts of your post, please enlighten us with additional information.

 

I hope you recognize that the other posters would like to help you and not attack you. Since they are still posting replies, I think it shows their genuine interest to help you.

 

If I am not helpful to you, please say so, and I will not post any more replies and wish you good luck.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear Westrock,

 

You were helpful indeed and I apologise for not being able to respond to your very helpful reply earlier.

 

However I don't think that you can speak on behalf of the others. I don't think you or I know any of them on a personal level so supporting them doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you haven't read their posts carefully. Mocking, taunting and pouring salt over one's wounds isn't genuine or helpful.

 

I came on this site because I was deeply emotionally hurt by a girl and thanks be to God I did get over her.

 

At the moment I was discussing another issue which has nothing whatsoever to do with the initial problem. So seeing the two being mixed and on top of that people questioning my sexuality, culture and religion - seriously westrock, is that genuine??

 

I think it is being utterly insensitive.

[CarrieT]

At the moment I was discussing another issue which has nothing whatsoever to do with the initial problem. So seeing the two being mixed and on top of that people questioning my sexuality, culture and religion - seriously westrock, is that genuine??

 

I think it is being utterly insensitive.

It is not insensitive - it is research.

 

When people like you who post infrequently come here, a lot of us who spend considerable time here look to a back story and in your regard, we looked back to old posts to see what you might - or might not - have been telling us.

 

I'm not sure why you can't see that. We are not trying to harm you or mock you. We are not questioning your culture or religion but inquiring about a past sexual experience which you posted here is not out of line. It IS genuine and comes from a desire to help.

 

Honestly, I had no clue as to your culture or religion. It is inconsequential to me other than your extreme rudeness to those of us who have tried to help.

[Stupid Girl]

Whenever I see someone respond back so strongly to a post, usually to me it means that the person is in great emotional pain and a sensitive issue has been raised and the natural response is to retaliate. Instead, maybe take a moment to digest what the others are saying. We are only replying back based on what you have posted.

Please read this over OP, and figure out what is the cause of your extreme defensiveness to the common sense replies you are lashing back at.

 

I'm very sorry you're in such pain. But your anger and rudeness should not be directed at us.

 

Edit: I joined this site March 2011 as my 5 year relationship/engagement started to fall apart. I wanted to be coddled as well, but instead I was met with cold reality by the posters here. At the time I thought it was very mean, but looking back in retrospect, I'm glad for the harsh responses I got, because they forced me to come to terms with reality.

Edited May 6, 2012 by Stupid Girl