Received a marriage proposal...but still require some suggestions..

[ReneeMalcolm]

CarrieT and StupidGirl

 

You should re-read your posts again to establish who started what. Accusing me of being rude won't really change your own attitude. However if that is how you've been helpful then THANKS for your help. I just don't require anything more from either of you. Being sensible adults, I'm sure you understand that.

 

Thank you very much! God bless!

[ReneeMalcolm]

StupidGirl

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Let's leave it at that. It's just that when one is upset and others are worsening the situation it is often counter-productive. At least that's my perspective.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Important point worth noting:

 

For those of you who are finding my thread 'interesting' or 'amusing' and are frequent users and are carrying out research ir order to so-called help me, when you have so much of free time, why don't you read all my threads in the 'Break up and coping' section in order to understand my predicament rather than (and I empahsise again), misbehaving with me.

 

Seriously if I knew what I would encounter on this site, I would never have shared my problems to begin with.

[William]

The thread referenced by the thread starter can be read at the link below:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/322808-i-need-miracle

 

I'd like to remind all contributors, including the thread starter, that LoveShack is a world community representative of many different cultures, belief systems and norms of behavior. I'll ask for respect and acceptance of these differences in member's postings and that such postings adhere to our community guidelines. I'd much rather the issue be worked than a bunch of people get infractions and the thread be closed. It's everyone's choice. I think it's possible. Let's try.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear Mr William

 

Thank you for your message. I was hoping to find comfort and solace when I joined this site and I have to say, I was utterly disillusioned at the time. However unfortunately it has worsened my situation causing me more anguish and disappointment. I would therefore like to close my account now. Please let me know as to how should I go about with it.

 

Many thanks,

ReneeMalcolm

[TaraMaiden]

ReneeMalcom, the only way for you to close your account - is simply to never log on again.

Eventually it falls into the ether....

 

If I may suggest, the one way to make it more difficult to log back in (should you believe you might succumb to temptation and curiosity), is to do as follows:

 

Write down a 15-digit-and-letter password.

go into you Profile/CP, and select, from the column on the left, the 'Edit Email and Password' option.

 

Enter your current password, then carefully type in and insert the new password you have just written out.

Type it a second time to confirm.

 

Now destroy the bit of paper with your password on.

go to your email account.

register all email from Loveshack as 'junk'.

 

Delete all co-ordinates to the forum, and resist all temptation to ever log in again, and hitting the "forgotten your password?" option.

 

I'm certain this will not be any great hardship or challenge for you....

 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[westrock]

Perhaps you haven't read their posts carefully. Mocking, taunting and pouring salt over one's wounds isn't genuine or helpful.

 

I came on this site because I was deeply emotionally hurt by a girl and thanks be to God I did get over her.

 

At the moment I was discussing another issue which has nothing whatsoever to do with the initial problem. So seeing the two being mixed and on top of that people questioning my sexuality, culture and religion - seriously westrock, is that genuine??

 

I think it is being utterly insensitive.

 

If you are interpreting the others as being insensitive, I am not here to doubt you or question you on your feelings. I accept that is how you feel. What I see that to mean is that you are not healed from these wounds because otherwise they would not upset you. A simple acknowledgment that you understand what the others are bringing up and an explanation that you have been able to resolve your feelings would be a natural response. However, your level of emotional response indicates to me at least that you are still hurting. If that is the situation, then perhaps better to acknowledge it rather than try to fight it.

 

I read in an earlier post that you are a lawyer. A lawyer is able to see a situation from both perspectives and be open to new views and ideas, even if it just leads to reaffirming one's original perspective. In a court, you would not treat the opposing lawyer's position as insensitive, it is just another position to consider even if you think it is wrong or attacking.

 

As to your original question, I believe I don't have any more advice than what I wrote initially. However, I will add that I do not think you should rush into accepting a proposal simply because a proposal has been given and you are worried you are getting old, especially if you have some doubts about this man. The doubts you raise in your original post are not minor, but major and if you accept the proposal without having thought this out properly, you will regret it later, and find out that you will have even more problems trying to resolve the issues. It is better to keep looking for another suitable partner.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear westrock,

 

Appreciate the analogy but this isn't a court of law. In a court of law my personal feelings or preferences wouldn't be the subject matter. I would be representing someone in an emotionally detached way - hence in that situation I can certainly refute the other party's arguments in a professional manner as honestly I wouldn't even know whether my client is telling the truth or lying, whether they are emotionally hurt or sly criminals.

 

However in this situation, my personal feelings were at stake. It certainly does hurt if someone mentions that girl to me because of which I resorted to this website (which is the last thing on earth I would have done with hindsight of course). My aim in that initial thread was to get her out of my system. As far as marriage is concerned, it has been an ongoing issue in my life - contrary to what some of the other insensitive people have stated, I'm not doing it due to my age or cultural reasons, but simply because I do want to marry someone who I should love and who should love me and we can have a family together. Just because I fell for a girl in the past who mislead and seduced me, then abused my loyalty and friendship, should I be called a lesbian? And should people raise ridiculous questions about my aims behind getting married? You can justify this all you like.

 

Oh by the way, I would never fight the fact that that woman's actions still hurt me - I don't contest that. However you people who are absolute strangers to me, saying 'aren't you a lesbian..in which case why contemplate marriage' (quoting TaraMaiden) gave me the impression that people are rather hollow of compassion and lack depth. If one had the requisite intellectual depth they would know that when someone is lonely and upset and when someone else misleads them and pulls the wool over their eyes, they fall for them blindly and without analysing the scenario from a third person's point of view. But one tragedy does not mean that someone does not wish to move on and get settled in life.

 

I thank you for your very comprehensive response. I just didn't realise that the audience I was addressing was not meant for me.

[westrock]

Renee,

 

Personally, I think if one takes the time to read and respond to a post, it shows the person has an interest in the subject matter, otherwise they would have never posted. No one here knows you personally. No one has to respond to anything on a message board. However, the fact they are responding to you, whether positive or negative, shows they are interested and willing to take the time out of their busy lives to help.

 

We know you're hurting and in pain. I don't think anyone is out to criticize you or rub salt into wounds eventhough it probably feels like that to you. We can only go on what you are posting. It does not matter to anyone here who you are interested in, or your religion, or culture. It is your life, and in the end no one here is going to judge you for the way you live your life. These issues were only raised by others because you had mentioned it in one of your prior posts. You have every right to clarify the facts for everyone to clear up any misunderstanding that others may have and you will find people will respond to you accordingly.

 

If you do not like the advice that is given to you by a particular poster, you are not obligated to accept it. Even if you use a response you don't like as a sounding board for you to reply back to express your counter-views I think it is still a worthwhile process especially if it helps lead you in a direction you want to go. This means that one sometimes should be open to hearing difficult points of view from others even if one ultimately rejects those points of view in favour of one's own initial views.

 

If you are not open to hearing opposing views that are sensitive to you and may differ from your own views, especially ones dealing with your feelings, how are you ever going to be in a romantic relationship with someone? We are strangers here and you have shown a very strong emotional response to everyone here, but what will you do when you are married and your husband says something sensitive to you that you don't like? A relationship requires sensitivity, but it also requires us to be open to listening to things we find sensitive. You need to think about this, as it may explain why you have not yet been successful in finding a partner that you find suitable for you.

 

I notice that you really haven't responded back any further on the issue of the man that you had originally posted about. Perhaps you can give us more information as to what you plan to do with his proposal and the concerns you have raised.

 

You may not agree with me. In that case, if what you were hoping to find here is professional advice, I think that would be asking too much of any public forum and perhaps you should really seek out therapy from a psychologist or qualified therapist to help guide you with your issues.

 

I don't want to upset you or argue with you, so if I am not helping, I will no longer post on your thread here and focus on other posts and hopefully others will be willing to help you. Otherwise, I am sure you will find the posters here will be willing to help you if you are open to what they are saying even if it hurts and is not what you want to hear. Good luck.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear westrock

 

Thank you for your advice and your entire correspondence so far. I have to say that besides supporting others who have criticised me on this site, you actually haven't helped but rather recommended a psychiatrist which again shows me that I was knocking on the wrong door. It would be better for me to simply discuss personal issues with my family who have my best interests at heart.

 

I'm too sensitive and that's why I haven't found a suitable partner yet...errr really? Because I thought the reason I haven't is because I've never had a boyfriend due to religious reasons as simple as that and therefore haven't been that close to anyone on such a personal/ emotional level. So unlike many western people I don't go out dating or even talk to this extent with potential suitors. Its all mainly in an arranged method with only very practical communication. I never even bring in my emotions. Emotional spill was only for the internet where I thought that perhaps strangers might be empathetic but alas.

 

Anyway, thanks very much but I have found all the answers I was looking for. This really was an eye opener to me. As to what people generally are like and to what extent one should confide in strangers who have no value or respect for one's religion or culture. Taking time out of your busy schedules?? I'm sorry but I'm not compelling anyone for their philanthropy! Perhaps you cannot fully comprehend the psychology behind the posters at least on my thread. It hasn't been helpful to me and I've repeatedly said so - if anyone had a slightest iota of decency they would have stopped posting by now. However if its a never ending argument that one wishes to secure an upper hand with, well and good. That's why they've been posting, to justify themselves and tell me they're right - that isn't being helpful. That's human psychology, to defend oneself, which is what you've been doing as well.

 

Westrock on that note thanks for everything as life's too short and good luck to you too. The fact that you're on this site suggests you're life is clearly far from perfect, so I hope things work out for you too. Take care

[TaraMaiden]

I thought you were going?

[ReneeMalcolm]

Umm...yes TaraMaiden I'm still here...is there a problem?

[ReneeMalcolm]

I did think of abandoning the site no doubt but I decided I won't be bullied out of it! No matter how many people gang up against me.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, you tell me.....

 

Dear Mr William

 

Thank you for your message. I was hoping to find comfort and solace when I joined this site and I have to say, I was utterly disillusioned at the time. However unfortunately it has worsened my situation causing me more anguish and disappointment. I would therefore like to close my account now. Please let me know as to how should I go about with it.

 

Many thanks,

ReneeMalcolm

 

so, if you wanted to close your account - how come you're still responding?

I don't understand.

If William had managed to shut your account, as you requested he do - then this wouldn't be an issue, would it?

you'd be over and done with it...

 

I personally see absolutely no incidence of bullying here.

you're just getting as good as you give.

 

I gave you the absolute best way to 'close' your account for yourself....

It seems that the temptation to stick around and continue responding is far too great for you to resist - must be the lawyer in you - I'm married to one, so I can see the similarity!

[anne1707]

I can promise you based on my knowledge as a long-term poster that both Taramaiden and Carrie for a start are 2 highly respected posters who always try to help and do not judge or criticise. It does not matter to them what sex you are, what your religion is or what your sexuality is, etc. All they have done (as have all the other posters) is tried to help.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Anne 1707

 

I'm glad to see that you have had wonderful experiences with the two posters you mentioned. Hats off to that!

 

My experience however was completely the opposite on this site and I say that with utmost confidence based on the evidence that is before me. Take care

[ReneeMalcolm]

TaraMaiden

 

Whether my account is shut down or not it shouldn't really bother you. If the administrator shuts down my account well and good - I had asked him for his feedback and you might be right, however given how you've upset me, it really is strange that you are still posting on my thread. If you have an inkling of humanity within you, I would suggest you don't contact me again as I have no desire to communicate with you.

 

If you continue to do so then the only thing you're conveying is that fact that you are simply trying your best to annoy me. If it were someone else with self-respect they would have stopped by now.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Note to the moderator:

 

I was very upset when I created this profile and starting posting threads. I would never have resorted to such a site and this is evident in my first thread posted last month. Unfortunately the posters haven't helped. The way I see it, they have bullied me. Honestly speaking if this website was under the British legal jurisdiction, by now you would have taken some action at least in terms of deleting my account - however you have not. Are there no laws whatsoever about harassment (which is exactly what is happening here) in the States which require you at least to cancel my account given the distress that is being caused to me by your posters?

[TaraMaiden]

I'm British, located in the UK.

I can assure you, moderation is no different on a UK site than it is here.

As an Admin/moderator on a UK-site, I can speak with some authority.

There, not here, of course.

 

I'm just trying to engage you in a normal discussion, and my intention is not to provoke anger or upset.

Why do you see that in everybody's posts?

You're blowing hot and cold here.

First you scold me, then you thank me, now you scold me because i'm asking you genuine questions.

I fail to see how you can gain anything by responding in such hostile, unfriendly and aggressive ways.

Have you looked at other threads?

Have you seen the way people talk to each other here?

You're the odd-one out here. nobody else.

You are the only person, i have ever seen, who seeks help and when people have tried to engage with you, you are ferocious and insulting in your responses.

You may be articulate and eloquent in your responses, but actually, you are nothing but a vicious bully with an overblown sense of self-importance.

which is a shame, because if you actually took the time to consider the sound advice people have given you, instead of reading insults and put-downs everywhere you look, you might actually achieve something, instead of alienating absolutely everyone who has tried to offer support, counsel and input here.

As it is, you have achieved precisely nothing.

I was quite prepared to defend you to others, but how can one defend the indefensible?

You're out of place here, and will gain nothing by remaining.

I'm done here.

Edited May 7, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[ReneeMalcolm]

TaraMaiden

 

I started this thread discussing a marriage proposal - you brought in details from a previous thread regarding a situation which I wanted to forget. It was very impolite of you to mix the two issues which in my eyes are not interrelated and on top of that you're calling me a lesbian and saying why are you even contemplating marriage. That is rude by any standards. That is bullying!

 

When you then posted your next comment, even though I was deeply disappointed in order to end the matter amicably, I thanked you and the matter was over. It did not mean I forgave you, it meant I didn't wish to correspond further. This was courtesy on my part.

 

I then asked the moderator as to how to close down my page - the response was expected from him, not you. But even though you had replied with feedback, I remained silent.

 

I then responded to a post by Westrock to which you replied by saying why are you still here. Why should that concern you? When I was responding to someone else's comments, you are not the owner of this site to ask me as to why am I still here!

 

Look at your first post - the way you addressed me in a cold-hearted and callous manner asking, "I'm sorry aren't you a lesbian? So why even contemplate marriage?" Is that not rude? If someone has been through something which mind you was on an emotional level so practically it doesn't define my personality or sexual orientation and if I so wish to move on and settle down, how dare you then question my quest for a happy married life?

 

If you are based in the UK and your husband is a lawyer then you should be well-versed with the English laws on harassment and behaviour on the internet which is part and parcel of it.

 

If you don't have a religion and don't believe in God then no one can help you. Otherwise the way you have abused me, I really hope and pray to God that the way you have reacted towards me, someone hurts you the same way someday - someday someone will argue and be insensitive to despite your constant requests to show mercy and sympathy.

[anne1707]

If you don't have a religion and don't believe in God then no one can help you. Otherwise the way you have abused me, I really hope and pray to God that the way you have reacted towards me, someone hurts you the same way someday - someday someone will argue and be insensitive to despite your constant requests to show mercy and sympathy.

 

And you accuse others of being bullies????

[ReneeMalcolm]

Anne 1707

 

When someone is bullied that is how they react. It is morality. What goes around, comes around. Given the fact that you do not have a religion, I don't expect anything from you.

[anne1707]

Anne 1707

 

When someone is bullied that is how they react. It is morality. What goes around, comes around. Given the fact that you do not have a religion, I don't expect anything from you.

 

Ah - I see you are talking of Karma. Maybe you should talk to a Buddhist about that to get a better understanding of that philosophy. I wonder if there are any Buddhists on LS...

 

Plus are you suggesting that as I am not religious, I have no morals?

[ReneeMalcolm]

It isn't simply limited to Buddhism but Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism etc. I don't need to consult any Buddhists on board - I am a Muslim and all religions teach us the same lesson/s i.e. to be understanding and considerate to others especially when those people might be in some serious trouble or dealing with some very serious issues. Oh and I am very proud to be a Muslim by the way!

[ReneeMalcolm]

I should have just discussed all my personal issues with people belonging to my own religion and culture. Inshallah I will from now on. I didn't realise there would be so many racists on this site. In all my 15 years in the UK and during my time at the London School of Economics, I certainly never encountered this ever.