Scared of unwanted flirting

[cherries1]

Backstory: From 6 to 16 years old, I was picked on all the time, teased by the popular boys and even was rejected by girls who claimed I was a lesbian (because of my little interest in makeup/clothing/boys). I wasn't ugly at all, just didn't take much care of my hair/looks.

 

From 16-17 I moved to a new highschool in which I made a lot of boy friends and not many girl friends. I crushed on this boy who turned out to be a jerk who manipulated my whole class into thinking I was a whore for "flirting with all of my boy friends", which was completely false.

 

I got my first boyfriend when I was 17. My confidence wasn't much higher, since all of my classmates, popular girls included, disliked me. This was aggravated because one time I stood up for one of my new friends and I had to confront the girls group leader for it. When that boy dumped me, I started dating another boy I just broke up with.

 

My problem: I'm 20 now, I have much more confidence than years ago but I have this problem. It is ruining my life. During the time I had a boyfriend I didn't have to really face this, but when a boy I don't like shows interest in me, I freak out and can't act normal. I become obsessed with sending "I-don't-like-you" signals, and start wondering the whole day how I can show that I'm not interested.

I get invaded by feelings of guilt (about hurting his feelings), fear of "falling for someone I don't like", obligation (as in I'm mean for not liking them) and shame (because people might think I'm flirting back and that I'm a whore). This doesn't occur if a guy who I like a bit flirts with me, only when I don't find myself attracted to the person. And it also happens with lesbian girls, it seems I am scared of people falling for me if I don't like them back. I avoid at all costs being a "tease", I'm terrified of giving someone I don't fancy the idea that I like them back, even though I'm not a tease at all unlike certain girls I know, I would never flirt if I wasn't interested.

 

The obsession is killing me and I am in search of therapy. Sometimes I don't even know for sure if the person likes me, but the moment they flirt ONCE (even if it's natural flirting, not looking for anything) I become irritated and avoid them.

I wonder what is actually wrong with me. I don't want to feel so wrong inside, I don't want to feel responsible for other's feelings.

[january2011]

To be honest, I can't tell if what's happening to you is part of the natural process of growing up - when you are learning to deal with your emotions and thoughts in a more constructive way. That is, you will grow out of this when you mature and get more experience in the wider world outside of school.

 

Or that you really were badly affected by the bullying and need to talk to a professional to help you unpack and deal with those thoughts and feelings so that you can form loving and supportive adult romantic relationships in the future.

 

Let's just err on the side of caution - have at least one talk with a therapist or two. Let's hear what they have to say about what you're going through.