painful wound

[Nina]

Last night I went to see some friends play in an orchestra at a dance production and I saw a girl who I had a bitter sort of break up with. We had been best friends, almost like twins, for 10 years throughout elementary, middle, high school and early college. We even lived together.

 

She ended up sleeping with my boyfriend, but it wasn't that that hurt me, it was that she never spoke to me again after the incident, preferring to run away from me whenever I approached her. After that I moved out. She contacted me via e-mail to try to "get together" almost a year later, but I felt like her effort was too little, too late. I refused and told her very politely to have a good, fulfilling life and that I hoped she had learned to value her friendships more.

 

I was bitter because of the fact that we had been so close and she left me hagning, wondering why she did this to me. After 10 years of being like sisters!

 

When I saw her she was very angry, and she left in the middle of the concert in a huff because I was there! I don't know what to think. Part of me feels guilty for rejecting her peace offering. I know that her effort was more to assuage her own guilt than out of real consideration for me. I still think of her and miss our friendship. But another part of me knows that she has had a lot of problems (since we parted, she's had an abortion, gotten married and gotten the marriage annulled, then gotten re-married in the space of about a year) and that she isn't trustworthy.

 

Am I just being overly sensitive, should I jsut forget about it? 10 years of history is a long time.

[Tony T]

She was not your true friend. She was a situational friend because the two of you were in proximity during your early years and you were convenient to her.

 

Young people have a different idea of friendship than older people. When the two of you met when you were very young, you were just a pal to her...and things evolved that way. You were buddies in her eyes growing up but not much more than that. From your perspective you were close friends. You bonded to her very closely and assumed that was mutual. She did not bond to you as a friend and perhaps doesn't even have the capacity to do so.

 

Sleeping with your boyfriend is a venimous betrayal that cannot be forgotten and it shouldn't. Friends must be trusted, she cannot be. Doing that to you was a death blow to every molecule of friendship there could have ever been between the two of you. It was sleeze personified.

 

Why in heaven's name would you want her to talk to you after she slept with your boyfriend? By performing this act, that was basically her absolute and final statement to you for all time. Don't you get it? What more do you want her to tell you...how good your boyfriend was??? How she is so sorry she had to try him out??? How sorry she is that she was just helpless to be seduced by your boyfriend but it will never happen again???

 

She feels very guilty and she KNEW AHEAD OF TIME she would feel very guilty but her "friendship" with you did not mean enough to keep her from your dude. The friendship was small apples compared to an hour or so sexual encounter. It meant more to her to get layed by your boyfriend that it did to continue a close friendship with you.

 

She is doing you a major favor by never speaking to you again. She is honoring the time she spent with you by staying out of your life. Because if she was back in your life, you could never turn your back on her. She could steal one of your kidneys while you were asleep. She is worse than a person with no conscience...she has a conscience and doesn't care how she will feel after she violates proper conduct.

 

I am so sorry because this friendship meant a whole lot more to you than it did to her. Yes, you are sensitive and that's OK. But you do terrible and heinous dishonor to your true, wonderful friends who are always there for you and would never do anything to hurt you by seeking out this rotten bxtch. Use that energy to pay special tribute and nurture the wonderful friends you have in your life now. And pick new friends very carefully...and, while you're at it, do a better job picking your men as well.

 

Don't feel alone. We have all been betrayed by "friends" at one time or another. But I remember something somebody said on TV one time, don't remember who, but: "You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are." I think that is a correct statement. You found out this girl is NOT your friend.

 

FORGET HER, WRITE HER OFF!!! I certainly hope you aren't still seeing that boyfriend she did because he's a rotten worthless bum as well.

[Deejette]

I know too many women who are willing to blow off a female friend as soon as a guy comes along. They will even cancel dates with girlfriends because some guy called at the last minute, and they will drop everything to be with him. I don't really understand it, but see that luring the opposite sex is much more important to them than the simple pleasures of being there for their female friends.

 

This girl really sounds like a snake and not to be trusted. She is actually displacing her own disgust with her own slimey behavior (everyone knows deep down inside that betraying a friend is a bad thing) and turning it into anger towards you. Like the rapist who blames the victim, she is furious towards you. You are lucky to be rid of her!

She was not your true friend. She was a situational friend because the two of you were in proximity during your early years and you were convenient to her. Young people have a different idea of friendship than older people. When the two of you met when you were very young, you were just a pal to her...and things evolved that way. You were buddies in her eyes growing up but not much more than that. From your perspective you were close friends. You bonded to her very closely and assumed that was mutual. She did not bond to you as a friend and perhaps doesn't even have the capacity to do so. Sleeping with your boyfriend is a venimous betrayal that cannot be forgotten and it shouldn't. Friends must be trusted, she cannot be. Doing that to you was a death blow to every molecule of friendship there could have ever been between the two of you. It was sleeze personified. Why in heaven's name would you want her to talk to you after she slept with your boyfriend? By performing this act, that was basically her absolute and final statement to you for all time. Don't you get it? What more do you want her to tell you...how good your boyfriend was??? How she is so sorry she had to try him out??? How sorry she is that she was just helpless to be seduced by your boyfriend but it will never happen again??? She feels very guilty and she KNEW AHEAD OF TIME she would feel very guilty but her "friendship" with you did not mean enough to keep her from your dude. The friendship was small apples compared to an hour or so sexual encounter. It meant more to her to get layed by your boyfriend that it did to continue a close friendship with you. She is doing you a major favor by never speaking to you again. She is honoring the time she spent with you by staying out of your life. Because if she was back in your life, you could never turn your back on her. She could steal one of your kidneys while you were asleep. She is worse than a person with no conscience...she has a conscience and doesn't care how she will feel after she violates proper conduct. I am so sorry because this friendship meant a whole lot more to you than it did to her. Yes, you are sensitive and that's OK. But you do terrible and heinous dishonor to your true, wonderful friends who are always there for you and would never do anything to hurt you by seeking out this rotten bxtch. Use that energy to pay special tribute and nurture the wonderful friends you have in your life now. And pick new friends very carefully...and, while you're at it, do a better job picking your men as well. Don't feel alone. We have all been betrayed by "friends" at one time or another. But I remember something somebody said on TV one time, don't remember who, but: "You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are." I think that is a correct statement. You found out this girl is NOT your friend. FORGET HER, WRITE HER OFF!!! I certainly hope you aren't still seeing that boyfriend she did because he's a rotten worthless bum as well.

 

[Taressa]

Hi Nina,

 

You certainly did NOT overreact to the first situation. That was a hurtful, selfish, inconsiderate thing to do to you. After the hurt of her dessertion, however, perhaps your heart is now being extra sensitive and is assigning more meaning to her actions than she intends.

 

After ten years of friendship you are a far better judge of her character than any of us on the shack. You will know, when you examine in light of your history together, if she was genuinely repentant for hurting you. You know her enough to know if her love for you was genuine.

 

After your feelings die down from the bad scene last night you will feel much more sure of your stand and you will know if you want the friendship or not. For now, however, it might help you to choose to forgive her for all she has done and not done to you. You'll find a weight and bitterness suddenly lift. You will be able to love her for what she was even if you aren't able to find love for what she has become.

 

Good luck, sweet Nina. You've shown great wisdom in your advice to posts. I have the greatest of confidence that you will find a peaceful ending to this also.

[Rogue]

What's the big deal if you talk to her a bit? It's not like either of you will renew your old friendship(of lack of it). Why can't you just let her carry little less guilt,seeing as she is already messed up enough as it is.

 

There's no question what she did to you was slimey. If a friend of mine did that to me,it would've come to a fist fight. I would've reacted violently to that sort of betrayal.

 

But you said it was long over, and your friend tried to make peace. I don't think you can trust her ever again, but you can forgive her.Let her have her little bit of peace.