Need some outside perspective: Marriage on the rocks

[HeyKitten]

Hi all-

I need some advice. I've been lurking on this forum for a couple of weeks, but just got the nerve to register and post.

 

Ok, here goes.

I have been married to my husband for 9 years and things are going not so good lately. He is a professional musician and is on the road the majority of the month. Always has been. In fact, our relationship was based on him gone about 1/2 the time, then home 1/2 the time. I actually like that part, but lately when he's home, I just want him to go away. He has never really done anything else job wise other than being a musician(which worries me to death about the future) and does have a considerable drinking problem at times.

 

He barely helps with bills-just pays 1/2 the mortgage, that's it. I'm harboring a lot of resentment for him and it's just eating me alive. We've had terrible fights, that yes, have gotten physical in the past, he has punched a hole in our bedroom wall (last month) and has verbally abused me over the years during arguments(calling me every name in the book-and then some).

 

Now, even when things are "good", I can't see anything but that monster that makes me feel bad. I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, and I pretty much know I'm not"in love" with him anymore either. Big Problem: we have a 3 yo son. He has only once witnessed this violence and screaming (when he was about 18 mo).

 

When we're just casually talking as "friends"(we started out this way in the beginning), things are great. We laugh, etc. But I don't see anything in him much more than that. However, most of the time if we go out, we end up in a giant fight at the end of the night. I can't count how many of my birthdays or special outings he has ruined by getting drunk and then us getting in a fight. I drink too, but I handle it so much differently than he does.

 

He really wants to "work things out" and you know what? I'm sick of being the person that just rolls over every time he screws up. I'm so happy when he's not around, it's unbelievable. The day he comes home, I am physically ill with a headache or a stomach ache. I don't know what to do.

 

He has no money to go anywhere, I don't have his 1/2 mortgage he pays every month to survive there w/out him. But I'm miserable in this existance. Just plain miserable. Here's another issue, he says he needs me more now because of an impending situation involving him and an assault charge related to another matter. Yes, assault.

I'm just worn out from him. Really, really worn out. I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice? And please don't say pray, we are not religious.

Thanks in advance for the responses.

[Moose]

Sounds like your husband has a few issues going on in his life. He really needs to dry up and get away from the alcohol. When men are abusive, physically, it's almost a sure sign that he has a few in-securities he's trying to deal with. Was he brought up in an abusive environment? Also, the fact that he's on the road, in a band, ( I'm assuming ), means he's not in an ideal environment there either, which would make slowing down or quitting the alcohol much more difficult.

 

I always try to look for the better than the worse. You've only been married for nine years. Are you sure you can't find something about him to hold on to? He is going through a lot, and hopefully when he does go to court on this charge the judge will insist he either gets treatment or a short time in jail just so he can get a glimpse of where his temper is going to take him.

 

I was just like him my first few years of marriage, getting drunk, going to jail, partying throughout the night, ruining social occasions with my wife and in-laws. I was a mess. We separated for several months and that's what made me realize how much I really needed her, and her me. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.

 

All hope is not lost unless you yourself aren't willing to but in 100% to try to save it. He will eventually grow up and learn to be that Father and Husband you want him to be. Then again, if you give up and stop caring what happens to him, he may fall into a life of being drunk and alone all the time. ( No pressure huh? )

 

So you have to ask yourself, are you willing? Would you consider a separation for a couple months and see what happens, perhaps talk him into seeing a counselor with you during the seperation. Whatever you decide, try not to give up, he can change but it will take some time.

[HeyKitten]

Thanks Moose. I appreciate your response.

 

I have so much to think about, geez.

[Moose]

Sure thing, you can send me a personal email in here if you ever need to talk more....

Good Luck

 

Moose

[Karlise13]

HI

 

Sounds like a pretty tough situation.

 

Has he ever been to AA? Listened to stories other alcoholics tell about losing their relationships and jobs? Maybe going to an 'open' meeting could be an eye opener for him.

 

There are meettings for people who are involved with alcoholics. I think they're called Al-Anon? You could meet and talk with other people who live with alcohol abusers and how they cope with it.

[HeyKitten]

woo boy..we had a talk last night.

 

Didn't go well. Here's some highlights: let me know what you make of this.

 

"you have a chemical imbalance of some sort and are ****ed in the head, I can't believe you would want to do this" him to me discussing possibly separating.

After a lengthy discussion, he came to the conclusion that I must have something wrong with me to think that would work, because according to him, due to the fact my parents were split up, I think it's ok. "you were shuffled back and forth from grandma to aunt so I guess you think that is going to be fine for my son?"

*The problem with that statement: He doesn't even remember that my parents didn't even split up until I was 22! jeez.

 

Him to me: "you have serious problems, I don't even know you anymore"...

 

Him to me: "oh right, you take a handful of times I've gotten out of control fighting and try to dwell on that now?" *sorry, but once or a handful, I still have issues with it. According to him, I'm using that as an excuse and a cop out. "so what, I called you a name?! You called me one back! Now who's verbally abused? Huh?" Nice..

 

"I just want you to get over this so we can move on." *I see that as he wants me to get over it so he can keep his ass nice and secure with all the stuff I provide.

 

Me: "I really want us to be friends through this, whatever happens, can't we just try to get some middle ground with eachother?" Him: "I have no middle ground with you, you just ripped the ground right from under me. If you think I'm going to be all hunky dorey about this, you are seriously mental."

 

Him: "what do you want me to do? I've done little things all week to try to make you happy! I did the freakin' dishes, I changed the lightbulb you wanted me to (*for the record, I asked that 1 year ago), I don't understand why you think I don't do anything!"

 

I could go on and on, but what I want perspective on is this: Am I really being that much of an ass to want to be happy? I can't be happy with him, not right now.

 

Last thing said before I finally just had to go to sleep, "well, balls in your court now honey, I don't want this so it's all on you" which makes me think he's going to deny himself into oblivion that he has done NOTHING wrong. He's so egotistical, I don't think he could EVER admit to any wrong doing, so I guess I'm screwed.

 

 

This sucks.

 

[Karlise13]

Unfortunately, this behavior is VERY VERY TYPICAL for a drug/alcohol abuser.

 

And trust me, I lived with one for a couple of years.

 

They take everything you say and twist it around to make you look like an evil, conniving bitch or like you're crazy.

 

They are master manipulators.

 

They are masters of denial.

 

You cannot reason with someone in the throes of addiction.

 

 

 

For the sake of your child and your own sanity, I'd highly recommend moving out. It doesn't mean you have to divorce. But he needs to reap some SERIOUS consequences before he'll be willing to face up to the fact that he's got a major probelm.

[Moose]

I agree with Karlise. I had to hit rock bottom to see the errors of my ways. ( I got a DUI in the company vehicle with my son in the truck ). My wife used to be exactley the way you are right now. She's finally admitted that she can't change me no matter how much she wants me to. I had to do the changing myself. The same goes for your husband. You will not be able to change him or get him to quit. Denial is the first and foremost sign of alcoholism.

 

I understand that you want to be happy and it's your right to be. But he has to see first hand the consequences of his actions. Something is eating him up inside. I suggest a temporary split up. Once he sees all that you do for him he's going to think about what he's done to you. While you're split up. keep in contact with him and try to help him discover what the underlining problem is. Another thing that you definitly need to keep in mind when you talk to him is that alcoholism is an uncurable disease. It's not his fault that he has it but he does need help in treating it.

 

When I got the DUI with my son there and went to jail for 10 days......man, really put things into perspective for me. I'm extremely againgst drinking and driving now!!! I'm so thankfull that I didn't hurt anyone at all, and for that I'm also very lucky. As far as biblically, it's not a sin to drink. The bible warns us not to be drunk and act a fool, but it's not against religion to drink.

 

Currently I still drink, I admit it. But, I've learned when to stop, and I don't get near a vehicle even if I had one drink. My wife allows, (Shouldn't say allows, more like doesn't complain ), me to drink because I keep it under control and never allow myself to drink so much that my emotions get out of control. She's also always around to help me stay in control. I used to be a 12 pack a dayer. I would have a cooler in my car so that as soon as that clock hit 5pm, I had a cold one waiting for me. Me and a friend of mine used to go straight from work to the airport, ( About 3 beers away ), hop in my cessna and fly around for a couple hours over the area lakes, then land half assed drunk!!! Talk about flirting with disaster!!

 

Treat it as the disease that it its. Move out for a while and let him hit rock bottom, before you agree to go back to him, tell him he has to get control over this, that you will be there to let him know when he's pushin' it. Do try some sort of support group.

 

Keep us informed!!!!