Guy with girlfriend is hitting on me - I think

[SpiralOut]

There is this guy at work who sometimes flirts with me. It is pretty harmless so I just kinda disregard it and try to avoid flirting back. I don't want to get into a workplace relationship. I'll admit it though that he's cute and I enjoy the attention a little bit.

 

So last night a bunch of us got together at his place for an after-work party. He was showing a lot more attention to me than to other people, for instance insisting that we stop at the store even though nobody really cared if we went or not. He just wanted to stop there to help me out. Even though I didn't ask to go there! Okay. Not too big a deal I guess.

 

At his place he kept going out of his way to make sure I have a good time, which was a bit weird since I know the other people better than I know him so it's not like there was any real need for him to try and make sure I get along with people. I felt comfortable with everyone there.

 

I had too much to drink and he said something to me that made me cry. He then was like oh ****, and started to do damage control by talking about how he doesn't like me like me, but he likes me, and that's why he goes out of his way to talk to me because he likes to make me laugh to get a reaction out of me, blahblah. He seemed concerned about making sure I felt included at work or whatever. Which is nice of him I guess except that I feel perfectly fine at work and get along with almost everyone. I may not talk much but I'm comfortable with being the quiet person.

 

Then he kept insisting that he's not hitting on me, while sitting so close to me we were touching. And kept engaging me in one-on-one conversations that I didn't really see him having with anyone else. Yes he went around talking to other people but NOT in the way he was talking to me. I just dealt with it by not allowing my emotions to cross any sort of boundary. As in, not revealing too much information to him, not confessing any sort of emotions, nothing like that. This was happening in front of everyone by the way.

 

He also kept telling me how much he likes it when I act that way, being all talkative and happy (basically I was acting like my normal self, that he has never seen me do before because I am very distant/private at work). Well I'm glad that you like it but why are you telling me that? Everybody else here probably likes it to but nobody is telling me that.

 

He's actually kind of an interesting guy, that I might go for under different circumstances. I guess the whole thing makes me feel sad because it reminds me of my own relationship with my ex and how we were pretending to be happy together even though we weren't. I could be completely wrong. Maybe that's not his situation. But my instincts are usually right when it comes to stuff like that. I mean I have guy friends and I'm pretty sure it's not normal for a guy with a girlfriend to act that way towards another girl.

 

I am confused and trying to figure out my feelings, hence the reason for my post. Don't worry I am not going to try and do anything with him. I'm just looking for some insights, or something. This whole thing has left a strange feeling in me.

 

ETA: I guess it also bothered me to find out that there is someone who has this opinion of me, of feeling sorry for me or whatever, thinking I can't get along with people. I feel like he has totally misjudged me completely and it makes me feel bad. He was basically upset with me because I don't act outgoing often enough. Like, he wants me to be friendlier to him and stuff which makes me wonder why do you so badly want me to be friendlier to you that you're going out of your way to actually TELL me that??

 

I also found it odd that he was being so defensive about whether he's hitting on me or not. None of my guy friends ever say to me "just so you know i'm not hitting on you."

Edited May 6, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SarahRose]

Of course he is hitting on you and you seem to be falling for it.

 

Why?

 

What do you mean feel sorry for you or misjudged you? Why do you even care what he thinks?

 

It is just a ploy to neg you so you would feel bad. Oldest tricks in the book.

[SpiralOut]

Of course he is hitting on you and you seem to be falling for it.

 

Why?

Because I'm lonely and confused. I've been getting back into dating these past couple months and it's not going well.

 

What do you mean feel sorry for you or misjudged you? Why do you even care what he thinks?

I guess I care because he is not the first person to say stuff like that to me. It shakes up my confidence and makes me question if what other people think/say is really true. It makes me feel paranoid about myself.

 

It is just a ploy to neg you so you would feel bad. Oldest tricks in the book.

That's the impression that I got. I'm worried that my loneliness is clouding my judgement. I am doing my best to do nothing wrong.

 

I am also feeling bad for his girlfriend. I saw the way she tried to make their place look so nice and it reminds me of myself. How could he treat her that way. If he makes another move on me I will tell him just that.

 

He also got very defensive when he asked me and the other girl to go camping with him and another guy, telling us he wants girls to go too. I told him maybe bring your girlfriend with you. He got all mad and thought that I was accusing him of hitting on me.

 

Sorry for my ranting. I am feeling sad and angry and confused. I hate this.

[SpiralOut]

I wanted to mention this to my friend this afternoon but decided not to. I didn't want to ruin a good time out by spending it crying and complaining about some guy. Now I'm wondering if maybe I should have talked to someone instead of coming onto LS.

 

The whole thing just really upsets me. I will try calling one of my friends tomorrow to talk about it.

[Professor X]

Crying? Really? Because of a guy you barely know anything about??

 

I think it's to late already and he has you. I'm sure if he'd push strong enough you'd fall for him and get physical cause you are getting emotional with him which is the first step usually.

 

Let's be real here, if you wanted away from him, you'd walk away, but you are just sitting there talking to him even though he causes your emotions to spiral, even though he has a GF, even though you KNOW he is hitting on you (which he obviously does). Not only that, but you also cried in front of him. Don't feel sorry for his GF, cause from how it seems, you put a hand to what he does as well.

 

You always have the power to shift the game as you please, so stop being "passive" and use it.

[TripLine]

He sounds like player and/or douche, and you sound like a tool.

 

So you think he is hitting on you, but you are not stopping it because you kind of like the attention.

If he is not hitting on you, then he doesn't sound like a friend i would want.None of my friends are defensive, why find people with drama?

[SpiralOut]

I sound like a tool? Wow thanks. I was drunk you know. Besides, it was the other girl who was walking over to him and putting her hand on him and whispering in his ear. I did NOTHING like that!!

 

You guys are jerks!

 

I will be avoiding him at work from now on!! And I'm not going out anymore if he will be there!!

[gaius]

You don't sound like a tool spiral, just a normal human being. I will say though that if this guy really felt sorry for you he wouldn't put in that amount of effort. He just said that because he can't admit he's flirting with you when he has a girlfriend. He genuinely wants you.

[chucksagent]

(From Urban Dictionary.com)

Tool: One who lacks the mental capacity to know he/she is being used. A fool. A cretin. Characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.

 

None of us know you well enough to call you a tool. But based on the facts you've given and the definition provided by Urban Dictionary, your BEHAVIOR in this situation has been tool-ish.

 

The last poster is correct; we are humans. So clearly we have weaknesses and flaws. BUT, what makes us human and not neanderthal/ape is the ability to control impulses because we are living in a society with rules.

 

A drug addict will tell you drugs FEEL go. Doesn't mean you should use drugs. Attention from some guy FEELS good, but doesn't mean you should encourage or respond to that behavior if he is in a relationship, because REGARDLESS of what religion you follow - most of us humans with souls can all agree "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

 

How would you feel if you were with someone and they were flirting and being inappropriate behind your back while at work? Trust me sister, this guy you describe is a LOSER I can tell by his behavior and is NOT worth messing up your Kharma for....TRUST ME. I liked your last post because that's how I would advise you behave moving forward.

 

Step 1 is looking in the mirror and admitting you haven't handled things correctly up to now. But that doesn't matter because the past is the past. The only thing you can control is how you behave moving forward. And if you were serious in your post, I think you are on the right path.

[SpiralOut]

Alright fine, my behaviour was toolish. In my defense, it's not like I sat there swallowing it all up and smiling at him. I didn't. I could hardly look at him and I could hardly speak. The whole thing felt so weird that I just froze up, sitting there feeling freaked out. He actually got upset with me and asked me why I kept acting like everything he said to me was weird.

 

All I could think of was the many photos of him and his girlfriend on the wall, and the decorations all around me that she put up and it just seemed SO f***ed up that I could hardly believe this was happening. Call me a tool or naive or whtaever you want. I guess I posted this here to make sure that I was not going crazy and imagining things. It just seems so crazy that anyone could actually act that way!! Maybe I have just been living under a rock, never coming across a person like this before!!

 

Anyway I am disgusted in general by that social group. There's a reason why I make excuses to not hang out with them. Something weird or wrong happens every time. And the sane people in the group just make up excuses for those who are acting badly and continue to hang out with them over and over again.

 

Now I'm mad at myself for not saying something to him!!

Edited May 7, 2012 by SpiralOut