Why would one person do this to another?

[partenr]

This is all going to sound really crappy... but it's the reality and I am terribly lonely and am interested in Feedback.

 

When my wife met me, I wasn't working due to a chronic pain condition. Hadn't for a while. Had just gone through a bad break-up that really did a job on my finances. I drank- she drank with me. I smoked - she told me how much it didn't bother her.

 

I feel a need to say that I am a clean, kind, community-service type person with a college degree and a fantastic family. I have no children.

 

I didn't think we should get married because of my bad financial situation. She insisted. So we did. We get all set up so that I work part-time, but am the primary care-taker for her daughter. Wife makes good money, so that makes the most sense. So she spends the next 2 years bad-mouthing me behind my back and sometimes when I was there - for all these things to anyone in the community that will listen to her, my family (they politely listened), and her family. Then tell me to my face how madly in love with me she is. ????? I told her, if you keep airing dirty laundry and smearing me (to the point of making up LIES to smear me) - that it will DEFINITELY destroy our marriage.

She'd get mad at me for who-knows-what and call the police just to embarrass me publicly. She did her best to ruin my family name in a very small community where I am in an elected position and started a business. She very SPECIFICALLY told people NOT to patronize my business because she "heard" blah blah blah about me. Not true things, but when it comes from a spouse, people tend to believe it's true.

 

What in THE HELL just happened to me? She claimed she cared about me. Why on earth did she marry me, just to divorce, destroy me, and leave me with absolutely nothing but the effects of her venom? I can't go into detail here, but she went to levels you wouldn't believe to harm me. I don't get it at all. Sure, let's divorce, but why try to absolutely ruin a person totally?

Edited May 6, 2012 by partenr

[darkmoon]

you wrote "She'd get mad at me for who-knows-what and call the police just to embarrass me publicly"

 

what would happen just before she'd get mad? can you be more specific as to the meaning of who-knows-what?

[partenr]

She has (not just being petty) super problems with her anger. One time we had a "break-up" level fight because I fell asleep on the couch. I often couldn't figure out why she was angry. And she would go into a rage and stay in it for 2 days at a time. We had to leave our extended family's vacation because she was too angry and it went on for days. On that occasion she was angry she said (after me BEGGING her to tell me why) she was so enraged "because I thought you were mad at me". Errr?

 

I know it makes no sense. But a couple days a month (yes, "periodically"), she was absolutely vile and she WAS going to get into a physical rage. It was just the question of toward whom and for what. She would call the police to "try" and get me in trouble and they would just say "We can't do anything if he isn't breaking any laws". She did it to try and embarrass me. Same with calling my elderly parents to yell at them. And she did that WAY more after I begged her not to ... of course.

[darkmoon]

so it's like you'e all just hanging around in good moods and she erupts over nothing at all? what does she actuslly say when she erupts?

[westrock]

So she spends the next 2 years bad-mouthing me behind my back and sometimes when I was there - for all these things to anyone in the community that will listen to her, my family (they politely listened), and her family. Then tell me to my face how madly in love with me she is.

 

Do you feel like you are always walking on egg shells when around her?

 

From what you're describing, she seems to show some of the signs of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not saying she has it as she would have to be diagnosed by a professional to be sure, but check for these signs as it might give you some guidance as to what's happening:

 

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

[partenr]

The Borderline thing is absolutely to a "T". Me and the little girl would be on eggshells you can't imagine when she would get in that mode. And I could hear it in her voice. And it scared me. She got physically violent usually. Ripping things off the wall, throwing things at me. Usually when I was laying on the couch trying to display a calm demeanor.

 

I don't remember the things she would say. What DIDN'T she say. She would basically say/do whatever thing we last calmly talked about "just not doing" when she got upset. She agreed that (when she WASN'T angry) that 95% of the "fights" we got into, she was the person that was angry at me for something or other. She WOULD find something. It was like torture never knowing of I had the Angel or the Monster that day.

 

I am NOT saying I never did anything wrong. But we might have a disagreement that was a "2" and her reaction would be an "11" (Scale of 1-10) And I will say that I rarely, if ever, got "mad" at HER. Not in my nature.

 

And STILL... this divorce is breaking my heart. It wasn't her.. but the child, the house, my neighbors, my whole LIFE. I NEVER EVER wanted to get a divorce. We had a pact that divorce wasn't an option. But she knows how deep of a commitment that is to me, so the constantly threatened it. And now she's filed. Then told me she wanted to reconcile, but treated my like crap, wouldn't see me. Lied to me about what she would do. So now it's just over. It's all been very confusing. I just wish I would have never met her. All its done is cost a ton of money and TONS of hurt and my reputation. VERY resentful me.

[westrock]

Partenr, it is unfortunate this has happened to you. It is very challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. The relationship you describe is very toxic. The best thing you can do now is to complete the divorce, put this chapter of your life behind you, and move on with your life.

 

One thing I suggest is that you learn as much as you can about Borderline Personality Disorder so that you can understand why you became attracted to such a person in the first place. Also, if you do meet someone in the future with Borderline Personality Disorder you will be better able to recognize the signs earlier on.

 

Good luck.

[IntoTheAbyss]

Partenr. I feel for you, I really do. Although my stbxw was not as verbally outspoken or physically violent as yours seems to be, the path I'm walking on is pretty close to yours.

 

It has been 2 months for me now and slowly I am seeing things clearly. I have setbacks and sometimes self doubt on the way I am feeling about things .. but the truth is, you need to look inward, not outward.

 

The things she says to you, her actions, they all mean nothing. They will never make honest sense to you until the day she breaks down personally, 100% unconditionally and realises she is a complete wreck. You have to get to the point with yourself that you can honestly say without a doubt that this may never, EVER happen.

 

All those pacts, words of forever that were said in the past .. are exactly that, the past. This is the present and you are your future.

 

In my honest opinion, I don't think my stbxw has done the things she has in the past 2 months out of complete hate, anger, spite, etc etc .. but the fact is, she has done them. I cannot control her, what I can control is myself and our 2 young children.

 

Control what you can, ignore what you must, but never back down. Stay strong and figure out what is best for you.

[partenr]

The feedback and support means the world to me. Thank you all so much. I'm a wreck right now.

[IntoTheAbyss]

You will feel like that for a while, there is nothing wrong with letting yourself feel that way either. With that said, you will need to figure out how to cope with it though, and start turning things around.

 

Remember, sitting around all day stewing in thoughts doesn't change anything around you.

[Med]

Mate i feel for you, she seems to be is a toxic narcissist like my ex, i see a pattern here from my experience only yours seems worse. I to come from a good family with a high standing in my community & my ex tried to totally destroy me. Seems to be a pattern here, either they are attracted or target certain traits

 

These people feed on others misery, they create a scenario & then blame you for it & make you try to unravel all the dramas around you they created in the first palce. It's an acted out drama they create because they lack something in them, mainly from childhood upbringing. Most important is that she is only half aware of what she might be doing so don't get mad at her which would only feed her or you might do something that you may regret later. Just walk away.

 

To stay strong & sane surround your self with loved ones & friends you can rely on. Never, i mean never try to change them. You will be hitting a blank wall & they are damn good liars. One can only hope they seek professional help.

 

If i were you id run for it if possible...It can get worse :S

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry buddy, but it's surely that you got involved with a mentally unstable woman and "borderline" personality disorder is kinda the catch-all phrase these days for what just used to be called "complex" because it was too complex to make sense of. I got burned by this too. To my knowledge my ef-fiance didn't bad mouth me behind my back or try to sabotage me on purpose, but she would turn on me very shortly after I was most intimate with her--not just sexually but personally and deeply about the things you you only tell your most trusted and closest love. This made me feel betrayed both by her and by myself and I got furious and bitter and became such a complainer I think I drove away my friends and family for a while. She was very appealing to me as a looker and an extremely hot lay and I'd take her back again and again but it always wound up in rage, drunkenness, broken furniture, glass and finally we turned our violence on each other. Some folks think men and women are created by god and come with pretty much a built in set of rights and wrongs, but we're not created, we're not given any set of software that must be logical and we're animals that can be very defective. You know you have to wall this woman out forever and not look back and even at that try to outlive the memory of the diseased illogical that makes no sense for someone who professes to "love you".