What Are Some Reasons Men Won't Approach A Woman?

[Glambada]

I am 25 years old and always wanted a boyfriend because I rarely to never get approached. It is just I would like to know that someone else appreciates my beauty, personality, etc. I am quiet, shy, I like the visual arts and I don't like to drink or go to clubs. I am not religious so I can't really get with a man who is because I like being spiritual and not converting.

I know people are going to mention confidence but it is hard because I am hurting inside. It feels horrible for people to say 'oooooh you look like a model' and all this stuff. I have rarely heard this from men in my age group or when I was in college.

My parents even told me that once I get to college, the guys would come...but the reality of it is, I am not a Barbie on display. I can't look perfect everyday nor do I wear make up all the time. Most of the women on campus are perfect all the time or at lease have very minimum flaws, of course they are never by themselves.

How do I at lease get some options? Gesh I am contemplating online dating only and only dating older men.

[Cryptonomic]

Going to the question of your post, why won't men approach a woman, I can only speak for me.

 

I sometimes won't if I feel like I'll put the woman on the spot or seem ... dangerous or whatever to her. (I have a thread on this forum about that very point.) When I say "dangerous" here I don't mean someone that would hurt her, but I rather just mean someone who was perhaps too aggressive in approach or whatever.

 

Another reason I might not approach a woman is if I felt she was unapproachable. For example, perhaps there are certain body signs that she is giving off that, at least to me, say "Leave me alone." That's perilously subjective in many cases, of course.

 

 

I am not religious so I can't really get with a man who is because I like being spiritual and not converting.

 

All I can say to this particular point is perhaps don't assume that someone who is religious will necessarily expect you to share their religion or convert. Obviously if you find someone who does expect those things, then even if other aspects are good, that's probably not the person for you. But the fact of being "religious" -- which is a pretty wide spectrum of behavior and mindset -- should not necessarily rule anyone out, at least in my opinion.

 

Most of the women on campus are perfect all the time or at lease have very minimum flaws, of course they are never by themselves.

 

They are "perfect" according to whom? They have "minimum flaws" according to whom?

 

My point there being that some people may look "perfect" in some ways on the outside but they could have a lot going on inside that is perhaps not so perfect. You mention they are often not alone. Okay, but that may or may not have anything at all to do with being "perfect" or having "minimum flaws."

 

I guess I'm not really helping, am I? I do wonder:

 

If you don't perceive yourself as "perfect", what do you think you are lacking?

 

If you see other people as having only "minimum" flaws, do you see yourself as having more than minimum flaws? If so, what do you perceive those to be?

 

What kind of person would you like to attract? You mention you don't like the religious aspect necessarily. That's what you DO NOT want. But what DO you want?

 

I ask that last question because I think knowing that allows us to tailor how approachable or not we seem or act or talk.

[Mr Scorpio]

I can only speak for myself, but the reasons all relate to a lack of confidence. At best, I've been gently rejected by a woman who knew me, but still got my name wrong. In the middle, I've been given fake phone numbers. At worst, I've been told that the woman was offended that someone "like me" would approach her.

[Woggle]

Because we just don't want to deal with the crap that comes with daring to speak to the wrong woman.

[Professor X]

There are so many reasons why no1 would approach you specifically and why many men in general don't approach anymore.

 

For the latter it's usually a matter of confidence, or lack thereof. Usually due to being rejected in the past and/or by approaching the wrong type of girls as Woggle said.

 

As for you specifically, it could be various things, such as your body language, over-all looks, way of speech, etc etc.

Generally speaking, it usually comes down to the body language - if you are giving an intimidating vibe, such as being a snob or whatnot, than you won't get approached.

 

Might also be the way you dress (to conservative - to the extreme).

 

From what I see and was told (by exes and such), almost all women get approached, regardless of looks.

 

If you wanna add more about your personality or the general way you interact with men. it'd be great.

[123321]

• If she's not hot
• If she looks engaged in something and is unlikely to take kindly to distraction
• If I have an exclusive relationship already

[Glambada]

If I miss some of your reply, I do apologize!

While I was on campus, most of the women that were paired up with someone ALWAYS had there hair done, dress very nice, etc. at the time I wasn't working and some days I didn't dress up. I was just so busy studying and tired. This women turned heads, was hooted/ hollered at and approached, so they are perfect to men apparently...

It is just disappointing to know that college is not much different from high school. I don't even date anymore because I was picked on in the past.

My parents told mr that I would have to 'beat men off with a bat' in college.

[Glambada]

Going to the question of your post, why won't men approach a woman, I can only speak for me.

 

I sometimes won't if I feel like I'll put the woman on the spot or seem ... dangerous or whatever to her. (I have a thread on this forum about that very point.) When I say "dangerous" here I don't mean someone that would hurt her, but I rather just mean someone who was perhaps too aggressive in approach or whatever.

 

Another reason I might not approach a woman is if I felt she was unapproachable. For example, perhaps there are certain body signs that she is giving off that, at least to me, say "Leave me alone." That's perilously subjective in many cases, of course.

 

 

 

 

All I can say to this particular point is perhaps don't assume that someone who is religious will necessarily expect you to share their religion or convert. Obviously if you find someone who does expect those things, then even if other aspects are good, that's probably not the person for you. But the fact of being "religious" -- which is a pretty wide spectrum of behavior and mindset -- should not necessarily rule anyone out, at least in my opinion.

 

 

 

They are "perfect" according to whom? They have "minimum flaws" according to whom?

 

My point there being that some people may look "perfect" in some ways on the outside but they could have a lot going on inside that is perhaps not so perfect. You mention they are often not alone. Okay, but that may or may not have anything at all to do with being "perfect" or having "minimum flaws."

 

I guess I'm not really helping, am I? I do wonder:

 

If you don't perceive yourself as "perfect", what do you think you are lacking?

 

If you see other people as having only "minimum" flaws, do you see yourself as having more than minimum flaws? If so, what do you perceive those to be?

 

What kind of person would you like to attract? You mention you don't like the religious aspect necessarily. That's what you DO NOT want. But what DO you want?

 

I ask that last question because I think knowing that allows us to tailor how approachable or not we seem or act or talk.

 

The last post was in reply to this.

[Glambada]

Going to the question of your post, why won't men approach a woman, I can only speak for me.

 

I sometimes won't if I feel like I'll put the woman on the spot or seem ... dangerous or whatever to her. (I have a thread on this forum about that very point.) When I say "dangerous" here I don't mean someone that would hurt her, but I rather just mean someone who was perhaps too aggressive in approach or whatever.

 

Another reason I might not approach a woman is if I felt she was unapproachable. For example, perhaps there are certain body signs that she is giving off that, at least to me, say "Leave me alone." That's perilously subjective in many cases, of course.

 

 

 

 

All I can say to this particular point is perhaps don't assume that someone who is religious will necessarily expect you to share their religion or convert. Obviously if you find someone who does expect those things, then even if other aspects are good, that's probably not the person for you. But the fact of being "religious" -- which is a pretty wide spectrum of behavior and mindset -- should not necessarily rule anyone out, at least in my opinion.

 

 

 

They are "perfect" according to whom? They have "minimum flaws" according to whom?

 

My point there being that some people may look "perfect" in some ways on the outside but they could have a lot going on inside that is perhaps not so perfect. You mention they are often not alone. Okay, but that may or may not have anything at all to do with being "perfect" or having "minimum flaws."

 

I guess I'm not really helping, am I? I do wonder:

 

If you don't perceive yourself as "perfect", what do you think you are lacking?

 

If you see other people as having only "minimum" flaws, do you see yourself as having more than minimum flaws? If so, what do you perceive those to be?

 

What kind of person would you like to attract? You mention you don't like the religious aspect necessarily. That's what you DO NOT want. But what DO you want?

 

I ask that last question because I think knowing that allows us to tailor how approachable or not we seem or act or talk.

I am attracted to 'nerdy' looking men who are into the arts. I am African American so I am attracted to the same. I hope I don't seem shallow but I take very good care of myself, I am in shape.

I know the exact type of man I want end up with physically and emotionally.

I understand that finding the right one will take time, this is why I need to know what to do be approached more, I don't have options.

[Glambada]

Going to the question of your post, why won't men approach a woman, I can only speak for me.

 

I sometimes won't if I feel like I'll put the woman on the spot or seem ... dangerous or whatever to her. (I have a thread on this forum about that very point.) When I say "dangerous" here I don't mean someone that would hurt her, but I rather just mean someone who was perhaps too aggressive in approach or whatever.

 

Another reason I might not approach a woman is if I felt she was unapproachable. For example, perhaps there are certain body signs that she is giving off that, at least to me, say "Leave me alone." That's perilously subjective in many cases, of course.

 

 

 

 

All I can say to this particular point is perhaps don't assume that someone who is religious will necessarily expect you to share their religion or convert. Obviously if you find someone who does expect those things, then even if other aspects are good, that's probably not the person for you. But the fact of being "religious" -- which is a pretty wide spectrum of behavior and mindset -- should not necessarily rule anyone out, at least in my opinion.

 

 

 

They are "perfect" according to whom? They have "minimum flaws" according to whom?

 

My point there being that some people may look "perfect" in some ways on the outside but they could have a lot going on inside that is perhaps not so perfect. You mention they are often not alone. Okay, but that may or may not have anything at all to do with being "perfect" or having "minimum flaws."

 

I guess I'm not really helping, am I? I do wonder:

 

If you don't perceive yourself as "perfect", what do you think you are lacking?

 

If you see other people as having only "minimum" flaws, do you see yourself as having more than minimum flaws? If so, what do you perceive those to be?

 

What kind of person would you like to attract? You mention you don't like the religious aspect necessarily. That's what you DO NOT want. But what DO you want?

 

I ask that last question because I think knowing that allows us to tailor how approachable or not we seem or act or talk.

 

• If she's not hot
• If she looks engaged in something and is unlikely to take kindly to distraction
• If I have an exclusive relationship already

In high school my 'unattractive' friends were approached way more than me...

[Cryptonomic]

So here's what I got so far:

 

During High School, women that were "unattractive" (by some standard) were approached more often than you were.

During College, women that were very pretty (by some standard) always had guys with them.

 

The assumption that I'm drawing, based somewhat on what you said, is that you were not approached much in High School and are not being approached much in College.

 

You want to be approached more.

 

You are wondering what you have to do and, presumably, you want to know what you have to do to attract the type of guy you want.

 

The guy you want is, basically, African American, a little bit nerdy, and into the arts.

 

So:

 

Do you hang around areas where guys with those attributes and/or qualities hang out? (I mean specific areas; not just "at school" or "at college" since that's a pretty broad area. You mention you don't like going to clubs but are there places where guys with your interests might be hanging out?)

 

When you see such guys, rather than making yourself approachable with the hope that they will do so, have you considered doing the approaching yourself? (I know that earlier you said you are quiet and a bit shy. Some of the guys you are interested in may also be quiet and shy.)

 

You briefly mention online dating and, personally, I don't consider that such a bad thing. Maybe that's a good option for you. You said "I don't have options." But why isn't online dating an option?

 

Obviously here I'm focusing on another approach. Rather than you focusing on making yourself approachable -- since none of us here know if you are or are not -- how about determining what guy you would like to approach? Flip the situation around.

 

Mind, I know this is easy to say. In another thread here I have commented on how I am reluctant to approach a woman on the train for a variety of reasons. But, in that case, I know I (most likely) am going to have to be the one that does the approaching, rather than worrying about how to make myself more approachable.

 

If you do want to focus on why you are not approached, it really then comes down to an honest look at yourself. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong or that you "look wrong." I don't know you. Rather, I'm just saying that you might want to do an exercise:

 

Describe for us (or just for yourself) what you think you look like to a guy.

 

Pretend you and I are in a library somewhere. I look over at you. Describe what you think I would see. Be as detailed (and as honest) as you want.

[123321]

In high school my 'unattractive' friends were approached way more than me...

 

Contemplate what the word unattractive means until you see the oxymoron you're created.

[Glambada]

So here's what I got so far:

 

During High School, women that were "unattractive" (by some standard) were approached more often than you were.

During College, women that were very pretty (by some standard) always had guys with them.

 

The assumption that I'm drawing, based somewhat on what you said, is that you were not approached much in High School and are not being approached much in College.

 

You want to be approached more.

 

You are wondering what you have to do and, presumably, you want to know what you have to do to attract the type of guy you want.

 

The guy you want is, basically, African American, a little bit nerdy, and into the arts.

 

So:

 

Do you hang around areas where guys with those attributes and/or qualities hang out? (I mean specific areas; not just "at school" or "at college" since that's a pretty broad area. You mention you don't like going to clubs but are there places where guys with your interests might be hanging out?)

 

When you see such guys, rather than making yourself approachable with the hope that they will do so, have you considered doing the approaching yourself? (I know that earlier you said you are quiet and a bit shy. Some of the guys you are interested in may also be quiet and shy.)

 

You briefly mention online dating and, personally, I don't consider that such a bad thing. Maybe that's a good option for you. You said "I don't have options." But why isn't online dating an option?

 

Obviously here I'm focusing on another approach. Rather than you focusing on making yourself approachable -- since none of us here know if you are or are not -- how about determining what guy you would like to approach? Flip the situation around.

 

Mind, I know this is easy to say. In another thread here I have commented on how I am reluctant to approach a woman on the train for a variety of reasons. But, in that case, I know I (most likely) am going to have to be the one that does the approaching, rather than worrying about how to make myself more approachable.

 

If you do want to focus on why you are not approached, it really then comes down to an honest look at yourself. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong or that you "look wrong." I don't know you. Rather, I'm just saying that you might want to do an exercise:

 

Describe for us (or just for yourself) what you think you look like to a guy.

 

Pretend you and I are in a library somewhere. I look over at you. Describe what you think I would see. Be as detailed (and as honest) as you want.

Well, honestly I can post a picture of myself.

[Cryptonomic]

Well, honestly I can post a picture of myself.

 

I'm sure you could. But that would show me WHAT you look like. It wouldn't tell me what you THINK you look like from someone else's viewpoint.

 

This may all sound incredibly stupid. (I assure you: we have barely begun to explore how stupid I can sound.) But since the focus of this thread is why men won't approach some women, it's not necessarily because of looks. Yes, for some men it is just that. But those are probably not the men you would want to be interested in.

 

Of more import is how people think of themselves. How they think of themselves tends to reflect, in various and sometimes subtle ways, in their body language and so forth. That body language is often what makes us seem approachable or not.

[LittlePrince]

Anyone who tells you your life will magically turn around in college is lying. Life is like high school except people become less transparent and more underhanded as you grow older.

[LZ2000]

I don't want to be accused of Sexual Harassment.

[Glambada]

Anyone who tells you your life will magically turn around in college is lying. Life is like high school except people become less transparent and more underhanded as you grow older.

This is so true although I like college. My high school experience was peaceful because I was picked on and bullied a lot in middle school.

I had one incident where this guy I used to talk to best friend was harassing me on campus. I had to go to campus police. The last straw was when I was studying in the library and walks over, sits ON TOP of the desk I had my books on. Then he leans close by far away not to kiss me and says "So what's up with you and my friend Perry?"

I told him that I just didn't want to deal with anyone at the moment.

I hate being disrespected so I was really getting pissed because he was on my desk. I tried not to curse him out in the library.

Anyways, I don't remember word for word but he was like I am so lonely, no one is ever gonna like me and that's why I don't have a man and still a virgin.

It was weird!

As if I don't already feel a certain way about me, why does this have to happen to me?

Edited May 8, 2012 by Glambada

[Glambada]

I emailed him that day and said that I had no interest in him nor his friend. I also said please do not contact me or talk to me on campus agian.

In reply he cursed me out saying that he didnt want be seen with my ugly big foreheaded a** anyway...also that I am so lame that is why guys don't like me...etc. I had to keep the letter as evidence unfortunately :'(

[LittlePrince]

I don't want to be accused of Sexual Harassment.

I feel the same way at work

[d'Arthez]

Part of the reason is undoubtedly the interests you have, and people often find it difficult to read a quiet and shy person; in a way you don't give them much to work with and people tend to prefer the method of least resistance.

 

Because you are hurting because of this particular issue, the danger is that self-justification or a "woe is me" mentality creeps in, and starts to taint your world views, and the way you carry yourself. Which will result in a decrease in the attention of eligible men.

 

The young men to your liking are out there. Undoubtedly. Have you thought of doing more with your interests to meet men who might be right for you?

[NYC-BigKat]

I am 25 years old and always wanted a boyfriend because I rarely to never get approached. It is just I would like to know that someone else appreciates my beauty, personality, etc. I am quiet, shy, I like the visual arts and I don't like to drink or go to clubs. I am not religious so I can't really get with a man who is because I like being spiritual and not converting.

I know people are going to mention confidence but it is hard because I am hurting inside. It feels horrible for people to say 'oooooh you look like a model' and all this stuff. I have rarely heard this from men in my age group or when I was in college.

My parents even told me that once I get to college, the guys would come...but the reality of it is, I am not a Barbie on display. I can't look perfect everyday nor do I wear make up all the time. Most of the women on campus are perfect all the time or at lease have very minimum flaws, of course they are never by themselves.

How do I at lease get some options? Gesh I am contemplating online dating only and only dating older men.

 

NOOOO please dont run to old men please dont! I'm a young guy I'm 24 & very single. I will give u chance I promise if you'r kinda cute. Are u?

[Leigh 87]

To get approached, you generally need 2 things:

 

- You need to be hottie. HOT. You have to be hot enough for a lot of guys to want to talk to you, if given the chance. At the very least, you have to be cute and attractive looking.

VERY FEW women, maybe 30 % tops, are outwardly hot enough, to get guys wanting them in the bedroom upon first glance.

Average looking girls normally meet men through being friend with them first, or through their mutual friends... They get talking to guys, and some of the guys find the girl to be a great girl, and date them.

If your not hot or attractive enough to a majority of men, you will need your unique style and personality to do the talking.

SOme guys may approach you, commenting on your cool style; I get guys who say that they like my colourful fashion sense:) That is a conversation starter! If the guy likes you, u get their number and take it from there...

 

- You also need to be smiling and happy looking; you need to look open and friendly enough for guys to havw the courage to talk to you. A lot of girls are cold b*tches and are not that friendly, apart from the people they are already friends with.

 

 

 

Chances are, your a cute girl, but not hot enough for gusy to just " want to approach you, with sexual intent". Most of us are like this, and getting guys to approach, or even approaching guys OURSELVES, is not really what will work for us.

Instead, we need to work on male friendships, that will turn romantic, when the guys fall in love with our personalities, and in turn, find us to be sexy to them and see our true beauty.

[Glambada]

Part of the reason is undoubtedly the interests you have, and people often find it difficult to read a quiet and shy person; in a way you don't give them much to work with and people tend to prefer the method of least resistance.

 

Because you are hurting because of this particular issue, the danger is that self-justification or a "woe is me" mentality creeps in, and starts to taint your world views, and the way you carry yourself. Which will result in a decrease in the attention of eligible men.

 

The young men to your liking are out there. Undoubtedly. Have you thought of doing more with your interests to meet men who might be right for you?

 

Yes I have, but most of what I like to do doesn't attract men. I mean cake decorating, shopping....I guess I can meet nice people who like the arts and writing.

[Glambada]

To get approached, you generally need 2 things:

 

- You need to be hottie. HOT. You have to be hot enough for a lot of guys to want to talk to you, if given the chance. At the very least, you have to be cute and attractive looking.

VERY FEW women, maybe 30 % tops, are outwardly hot enough, to get guys wanting them in the bedroom upon first glance.

Average looking girls normally meet men through being friend with them first, or through their mutual friends... They get talking to guys, and some of the guys find the girl to be a great girl, and date them.

If your not hot or attractive enough to a majority of men, you will need your unique style and personality to do the talking.

SOme guys may approach you, commenting on your cool style; I get guys who say that they like my colourful fashion sense:) That is a conversation starter! If the guy likes you, u get their number and take it from there...

 

- You also need to be smiling and happy looking; you need to look open and friendly enough for guys to havw the courage to talk to you. A lot of girls are cold b*tches and are not that friendly, apart from the people they are already friends with.

 

 

 

Chances are, your a cute girl, but not hot enough for gusy to just " want to approach you, with sexual intent". Most of us are like this, and getting guys to approach, or even approaching guys OURSELVES, is not really what will work for us.

Instead, we need to work on male friendships, that will turn romantic, when the guys fall in love with our personalities, and in turn, find us to be sexy to them and see our true beauty.

 

 

I am thinking about getting a makeover. When I first moved to the south, I had no job and just moved from D.C. My make up, hair and clothes, etc. were perfect! That was a beautiful few months, lol but honestly I get approached when I am with a guy or I look 'perfect'.

I mean I am working towards saving up and owning a business....who the hell has time to look HOT all the time? Unless they don't have a job or wealthy?

I am not going off on you but I am hoping we can share that same frustration! Lol!

[Glambada]

NOOOO please dont run to old men please dont! I'm a young guy I'm 24 & very single. I will give u chance I promise if you'r kinda cute. Are u?

Why not? I am allowing you guys to have more perfect 10s and mannequins to choose from.