Girl only wants to date every two weeks?

[Pierre]

Heh, this multidating BS again.

 

It's simply a different approach to dating. I find it strange that people that do not multidate feel the need to insult people that do multidate. I think that speaks volumes.

 

Anyway, she's multidating. What you should do, is to also multidate. When she's not available, that's your opportunity go on a date with someone else. Then when it's time, pick the best out of the bunch. That's what she's doing, and I see nothing wrong with it. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. It's that simple.

 

However, multidating isn't for everyone. Instead of insulting and making ignorant remarks about people that choose not to follow the same dating philosophy as I do, instead I say... make sure you know what your dating philosophy is. Not multidating isn't wrong, it's simply another approach you may choose to follow. If you choose the non-multidating way, then you may want to give the ultimatum. Either became exclusive, or you bail out and find someone else. But you may not like the results.

 

For me, I would multidate, because then no one has to make a decision right now. Plus around here in the greater Los Angeles area, that's what people do.

The problem with multi daters is that they hide the multi dating. IN other words they lie.

[Pierre]

I am a female in my mid 20's. I am the same as she is. Actually worse. I have a deep fear of commitment. I thought this was a man's problem but as men become more distrusting (not that you are) women are putting up blocks. You don't know her past but I am sure it's full of heartache. I have a tendency of dating men every few weeks and if I date a guy for longer I do the same as she. I string him a long. I'll tell you the reason I do it but it might not be hers altho I am pretty sure its close.

 

If I date a guy for a long time (which is extremely rare), especially a nice one I only see him occasionally. I do this because if he actually hold out for longer then I feel he is worthy. But no matter how many test I put him thru I never feel safe or sure. I am almost waiting for a grand gesture of some sort which I feel will never happen. In most cases it doesn't and the guy leaves which does not make me sad because I am expecting it.

 

My only advice would be to express how you really feel. Tell her what you want. Tell her how much you care with passion and conviction. Then tell her what she's doing will not be tolerated anymore and that if she wants to lose out on an amazing man who wants her then so be it. But if she doesn't give a little more you will no longer contact her. But mean it. Ignore her. When you do and if she comes back then embrace her with open arms. But make it clear that you will not stand for it. If she seems distant don't mention it don't text her. Ignore her. Ignore her until she really changes or until she ignores you for good. I know it sounds complicated but most girls like that just want someone to chase after them but we also want someone we cant control. She's had her fun now it's time to take control!

 

Very good post.

 

Many multi daters are good candidates to cheat if they ever get into a formal relationship. They will sabotage their relationships because they are insecure.

[Heart Of A Lion]

@RedRobin and Pierre

 

I'm glad to see some other people here that agree with me on this.

 

I've been fighting the deceptive, disrespectful and disloyal elements of multi-dating tooth and nail here on LS, but often alone.

[Pierre]

@RedRobin and Pierre

 

I'm glad to see some other people here that agree with me on this.

 

I've been fighting the deceptive, disrespectful and disloyal elements of multi-dating tooth and nail here on LS, but often alone.

 

It is a losing battle. Multi daters simply have different values. For us they look strange. They probably think we are also strange and with a different culture.

 

For them multi dating is quite normal. Does a fish know it is in water? That is all they know. They have assimilated to the culture of those that surround them or they are only surrounded by multi daters--------"birds of the same feather fly together".

 

I would not have a problem with multi dating if there was no deception.

[Art_Critic]

Very good post.

 

Many multi daters are good candidates to cheat if they ever get into a formal relationship. They will sabotage their relationships because they are insecure.

 

hahaha.. you have to be kidding..

 

Being a multi dater has zero bearing on if someone will cheat in a relationship.

There may be some overlap of cheaters out there that were multi daters but it didn't cause them to cheat.

 

For the record.. I myself wasn't much of a multi dater.. but I do understand the how and why some people multi date.

My job never really afforded me enough time to date more than one person at a time.

 

I think there are different definitions of multi dating on this thread...

I've seen people talk about sleeping with multiple people while dating..

That isn't what I'm talking about..

Edited May 7, 2012 by Art_Critic

[Art_Critic]

The problem with multi daters is that they hide the multi dating. IN other words they lie.

 

Oh come on...

 

They aren't lying... just because you are dating someone doesn't mean you have to make your whole dating life an open book.

If asked.. of course they shouldn't lie and honestly every girl I've ever asked that question to said they were dating others..

What is wrong with that ? How is that lying ?

[dasein]

In the U.S., "dating" means going out on dates with one or more people. After a certain period of dating a person, daters may agree to date -only- that person. This is called exclusivity. Until an agreement of exclusivity is reached, daters have the right to date whomever and however many whomevers they choose. That is the accepted dating norm in the U.S. Notice that there is no made up term "multidating" anywhere in there, the word only exists in the minds of those who don't like the dating norm in the U.S. Instead of accepting the reality of dating culture, and adjusting -their- behavior and -their- expectations accordingly, these people seek to disparage and lie about millions of normal, well-adjusted people who aren't using dating to sleep around, have their cake and eat it too, and notch bedposts. There's a word for that kind of attitude, "privileged."

 

It's fine to feel otherwise about dating, but categorizing people who date more than one person at a time as necessarily dishonest is both obnoxious, and a lie in itself.

[Pierre]

Oh come on...

 

They aren't lying... just because you are dating someone doesn't mean you have to make your whole dating life an open book.

If asked.. of course they shouldn't lie and honestly every girl I've ever asked that question to said they were dating others..

What is wrong with that ? How is that lying ?

 

 

If there is no lying multi dating is fine.

 

In my case I would ask right away: "Are you dating anyone else?" If I get a yes then I don't ask her out again. No problem!

[dispatch3d]

I'd downgrade the dates and my effort with her honestly. This doesn't appeal to me.

[fishtaco]

By all means, let's follow LA's lead on how to conduct relationships...

 

Because following RedRobin's lead on how to conduct relationships is better than what millions of people do in LA.

 

And in addition, I'm saying that not to justify it's right, I'm say that to justify why I PERSONALLY do it.

 

The difference between you and me, is that I can see the other side, and I understand that there are people that do not view the world the same as I do. What I don't understand is the need to insult people simply because they think differently.

[fishtaco]

The problem with multi daters is that they hide the multi dating. IN other words they lie.

 

No, liars lie.

 

I multidate, are you calling me a liar?

[Pierre]

No, liars lie.

 

I multidate, are you calling me a liar?

 

If you tell all your dates you are seeing other women then you are good to go and not a liar.

[Heart Of A Lion]

If there is no lying multi dating is fine.

 

In my case I would ask right away: "Are you dating anyone else?" If I get a yes then I don't ask her out again. No problem!

 

But for many people, even that is too much to ask for.

 

There's a reason why many people don't disclose that, because they know it might chase some people they're dating away, so many of them choose to deceive and take the freedom to make an informed decision away from the people they're dating.

 

The fact that many people do that, shows that in and by itself they have trouble making it work without deception.

 

It's not the multi-dating I have an issue with, it's the people that deceive with the intention to take the freedom of choice away from people to opt out based on their dating philosophy, to take away other people's ability to make an informed decision on whether or not they want to date a multi-dater.

 

Those who fool around or even sleep with multiple of the people they're dating while keeping everyone in the dark about what they're doing, well those kind of multi-daters take deception to a whole other level.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[fishtaco]

But for many people, even that is too much to ask for.

 

There's a reason why many people don't disclose that, because they know it might chase some people they're dating away, so many of them choose to deceive and take the freedom to make an informed decision away from the people they're dating.

 

The fact that many people do that, shows that in and by itself they have trouble making it work without deception.

 

It's not the multi-dating I have an issue with, it's the people that deceive with the intention to take the freedom of choice away from people to opt out based on their dating philosophy, to take away other people's ability to make an informed decision on whether or not they want to date a multi-dater.

 

Those who fool around or even sleep with multiple of the people they're dating while keeping everyone in the dark about what they're doing, well those kind of multi-daters take deception to a whole other level.

 

Again, the problem is with the deception, not with multidating. Multidating is simply a dating philosophy. If you believe in the number game, and if the people around you are flaky and change their minds all the time, then multidating is only a logical and natural approach that fits the environment.

 

Liars will use lies to get what they want. Whether they are multidating or not. Whether they are in fact, dating, or not. Lies are used for purposes outside of dating as well.

 

Do not confuse the two.

 

That's like saying rich people lie, because that's how they get their money.

[newmoon]

so many posts indicate that she 'might be dating other guys' but have you ever just considered she is a busy woman with a life of her own and an independent nature and things she has to do? or maybe she is afraid of commitment and wants to go slow? some women just don't need to see their boyfriends/SOs every day to be happy. and distance/time between dates can actually help with chemistry because it creates a longing to see the other person. you will both probably enjoy your time together much more if you're not together as often, and the relationship can still escalate, but at a slower, more natural pace. the time between dates gives you both time to assess what you want and how you feel. it's not always a negative thing to distance dates apart. it's a great sign that she suggested another date, so just be patient, and look forward to seeing her again.

[mike88]

Thanks again guys, especially TheFinalWord and Imarie.

 

Personally I wouldn't set out to multi-date, although if circumstances meant there were two girls in my life who I had high interest in, I probably would date both at the same time to see who I was most compatible with. I've never been into casual dating, I only date people I can genuinely see myself having a relationship with and if my interest is low I'll call it off quickly.

 

I wouldn't keep someone I had low interest in around as an option or go out looking for more potential dates or casual sex while I'm deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone or not. I just think it's a little disrespectful. No disrespect to people who do multi-date, I think it's fine as long as you're both on the same page and don't have a situation where one person's feelings are unrequited but they're being kept around in case other dates stop calling, what kind of foundation for a relationship is that?

 

I definitely need to resolve the situation with this girl, when we first starting dating I called her out over playing hard to get and for awhile her games stopped but now she's reverted back to them again for some reason. When I go no contact she contacts me so I know she has a level of interest. She knows I like her, she needs to realise I won't be around for much longer unless she stops stringing me along and shows she's as committed to us seeing each other as I am.

 

so many posts indicate that she 'might be dating other guys' but have you ever just considered she is a busy woman with a life of her own and an independent nature and things she has to do? or maybe she is afraid of commitment and wants to go slow? some women just don't need to see their boyfriends/SOs every day to be happy. and distance/time between dates can actually help with chemistry because it creates a longing to see the other person. you will both probably enjoy your time together much more if you're not together as often, and the relationship can still escalate, but at a slower, more natural pace. the time between dates gives you both time to assess what you want and how you feel. it's not always a negative thing to distance dates apart. it's a great sign that she suggested another date, so just be patient, and look forward to seeing her again.

 

I appreciate this but I don't think she's simply too busy. Last time we met she said she had the following week off work and hadn't made plans, but still didn't want to see me until the week after that. Maybe she does want to take things slow but sometimes she ignores my messages... it could be that she's busy and forgets but I've never forgotten to return a text or phone call no matter how busy I've been.

 

I have been patient and I do look forward to seeing her and she tells me she looks forward to seeing me, I just need clarification where I stand. If she wants to take things slow that's fine but I don't want to be strung along for month after month if she doesn't see any possibility of us taking things further.

Edited May 7, 2012 by mike88

[fishtaco]

Thanks again guys, especially TheFinalWord and Imarie.

 

Personally I wouldn't set out to multi-date, although if circumstances meant there were two girls in my life who I had high interest in, I probably would date both at the same time to see who I was most compatible with. I've never been into casual dating, I only date people I can genuinely see myself having a relationship with and if my interest is low I'll call it off quickly.

 

I wouldn't keep someone I had low interest in around as an option or go out looking for more potential dates or casual sex while I'm deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone or not. I just think it's a little disrespectful. No disrespect to people who do multi-date, I think it's fine as long as you're both on the same page and don't have a situation where one person's feelings are unrequited but they're being kept around in case other dates stop calling, what kind of foundation for a relationship is that?

 

I definitely need to resolve the situation with this girl, when we first starting dating I called her out over playing hard to get and for awhile her games stopped but now she's reverted back to them again for some reason. When I go no contact she contacts me so I know she has a level of interest. She knows I like her, she needs to realise I won't be around for much longer unless she stops stringing me along and shows she's as committed to us seeing each other as I am.

 

Sorry this degenerate into discussion about multidating. It's unfortunate that some people feel the need to fling insults around.

 

But I go back to my original post. There are two solutions: Multidate or ultimatum. Whether she's multidating or not is irrelevant. The important thing is you don't like the way things are going. Multidating enables you to not have to make a decision right now... keeping your options open. Ultimatum gives you the chance to get this developing relationship back on track, or maybe it will end things allowing you to start looking for someone new... you find a resolution now.

 

So option or resolution, your choice.

 

Good luck.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Again, the problem is with the deception, not with multidating.

 

I actually said that. I'm not confusing those two things.

[fishtaco]

I actually said that. I'm not confusing those two things.

 

Yeah, I didn't mean you specifically, but I did quote your post, so I see where I wasn't being clear.

[phineas]

Hey, I get it.

 

F-ing multiple women or trying to is a great gig if you can get it! When men do it.. it is called 'dating'.

.

 

Stopped reading there because you obviously DON'T get it & i'm not going to waste my time explaining it because I seriously doubt you want to get it.

 

see, it's the STRAW, MAN.

i'm allergic to it.

[RedRobin]

It's not the multi-dating I have an issue with, it's the people that deceive with the intention to take the freedom of choice away from people to opt out based on their dating philosophy, to take away other people's ability to make an informed decision on whether or not they want to date a multi-dater.

 

Most deceive partly because they believe everyone else is doing it, so they need to 'one up' the other person. Also partly because it gets them what they want for longer and delays them either having to make a decision... or delays them being alone for any period of time.

 

If people are upfront about their multidating, then the other person can make an informed decision. I agree about that.

[RedRobin]

Stopped reading there because you obviously DON'T get it & i'm not going to waste my time explaining it because I seriously doubt you want to get it.

 

yea, yea.... I work around all men and have my entire adult life. I've been privy to their conversations (both intentional and unintentional) for quite awhile.

 

No need to explain. I've never met a nice, sincere, relationship oriented man that multidates.

 

Among the jerks I've met, every single one of them was a multidater. But, like I said in an earlier post... my judgement of them being 'jerks' mostly comes down to our different goals.

 

If someone is just into dating casually, not necessarily looking for a relationship, then it is no surprise they would multidate... because 'fun' is their goal. Not a deep, meaningful intimate connection. I'm not even judging here... I'm saying we should focus on the end goal here... and which means are most effective.

 

If fun is your primary goal in dating, then multidating probably is the best way.

 

If developing a trusting intimate connection is your goal, then don't. There really isn't a whole lot in between.

 

... the problems arise when people fib about their dating goals so that they can get people who are looking for a committed relationship who are less likely to be sleeping around. That's the big disconnect.

[mike88]

A little update... after we went out on Saturday I waited to see if she'd contact me first, she did by text, but then she didn't respond to my reply. The next day she sent me another text (that was pretty long/flirty) but totally irrelevant to the message I'd sent the day before (didn't answer the question I'd asked) and again when I replied she didn't respond.

 

The following morning she'd left two messages asking me to contact her cause she wasn't sure her phone was working. I sent a text, then after an hour when she didn't reply I called her and it rang then went through to voicemail. Like, a minute later she sent another text saying ''let me know if you've got this message'' and text her to say I had and to let me know if she'd got mine... she said she had, then I asked her if she'd got my previous message or my call and she said no.

 

I could be that her phone genuinely isn't working, but think it's a bit of a coincidence text messaging suddenly started working again straight after I called her. And surely if it wasn't working I wouldn't have gotten a dial tone when I called. This and her previous behavior is just making me think I'm being completely played. I think I'm gonna see her one more time and bring this up then if she's not straight forward with me or doesn't change I'm done.

 

(before anyone suggests I'm being paranoid about the whole text thing, she's done this before where she'd send me a text then not respond to my reply, but respond the next day with something totally unrelated... then closer to the date we're going out start contacting me more and replying straight away)

Edited May 9, 2012 by mike88

[Professor X]

Cellphones don't magically work/not work

[mike88]

Cellphones don't magically work/not work

 

They do in her world apparently!

 

I'm thinking some other dude got sick of her games and stopped replying so she was using me as a test to see if her phone is working or not.