How Do I Know When To Let My Husband Come Home?

[amain]

About 2 weeks ago, I kicked my Husband out b/c I had found out that he has been with another woman. Cell Phone Calls (Enormous amount) and he was at her house. Before I found out about this woman, we were having problems communicating and he worked 65 hours a week so we technically never spent any time together.

 

He swears that it was just a co-worker that he started talking to so he could VENT and not bring his issues home.

Well he lied to me about her b/c he said I wouldn't understand, how do I know he's not lying to me about being "JUST FRIENDS".

 

My husband is willing to go to counseling and is constantly asking me to let him "SHOW" me how much he realizes that he has made a mistake these past months with not talking to me, Ignoring me, not helping me with our baby (now 1).

 

I want so bad to believe him, that he has changed, but I refuse to go back to the way it was. With the Other Woman asside I really do want to try and work on our marriage. I just don't know how to start.

 

I am trying to stick to my guns and keep him out of the house for awhile while I think of how I want to go about it, but it just seems harder and harder to get my point accross. He swears I want to end is.

 

It has come down to the point that I am defending him to my friends/family.

 

Anyone gone through this? If so how did you know it was right to have them come home and start trying to repair the marriage? We are going to individual counselors (I said we have to work on our own problems before we can even work on the marriage)

 

Do you think I was wrong in Kicking him out in the first place?

[Moose]

Unless you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he slept with this other woman, I don't think you should've kicked him out. How old are the two of you? How old when you married each other? How long have you been married, these things are a need to know in order to assume any kind of opinion.

 

But, going off of just the information you gave, I would say that there needs to be some maturing happening in there somewhere. Most people think that marriage is give and take, 50-50, this is a misconception!!! Marriage is 100% and 100%, if one puts in 99.9%, it isn't gonna work to well. It's clear that he's seen a few mistakes he's made and is willing to change a bit in order to be back with you.

 

I'd say let him come back, talk to him more, sit down with him and split the chores down the middle. Forget about having to defend him too. I don't know your parents or your friends, but this is the man you married and you shouldn't have to defend him in any way. I'm sure that your parents and friends put on their pants one leg at a time themselves, they are no better/worse than any of us.

 

And yes you are right, take care of your personal problems as well, and quickly if you can!! You two have a child now. It's time to wake up, take responsibilities for your and your husband's short comings, and start thinking that you are a family now, there is no you, or him, or baby.....it's family, one unit.

 

Just my thoughts, Good Luck

 

Moose

[amain]

Moose,

Thank you for your reply, My Husband & I have been married for 4 years we are both 31. When we were first married we did everything together it wasn't until he got sick (Last Year, He's fine now) and we had a child that he started pushing me away. And I think a lot of it was while he was sick, I became the Mother Figure taking care of him, and he got used to it. And I don't want to be the mother figure, I want to be the Wife again.

 

I told my husband that he had to leave, b/c it seemed as if he didn't want the marriage for the past 8 months, he would constantly go out with his friends/co-workers and even when he was home, he locked himself down in the basement in a converted office.

 

When I asked him to spend time with me, or asked him to talk to me, he shut himself off. and we ended up fighting. I constantly told him how I felt and begged him that we go see a counselor. I even told him that I have never in my life felt as lonely as I have this past year. I really felt like a single Mother. And my husband would come along on Sundays and be the "PERFECT FATHER". We would have family functions and he acted like he was taking care of everything.

 

So then, when I was informed about this co-worker of his, it made me mad. I know I should have sat down and talked to him, but he Always refused before and I didn't want him to just Deny it. I got the phone Records. The Phone number showed up over 200 times in a 1 month time frame. Then I Went to her house one night when he told me he was out with his Friend (male). His car was there, I immediately called his Cell and he lied to me about where he was (Not knowing I was outside). I then Hired a Private Investigator while I was away on Business (to put his car at her house. In my mind, He is a married man, and has no reason talking or seeing another woman, especially lying about it.

 

Your Right I have no proof of what was actually going on, in my mind the Calls & The Lies were all I needed. That is why it is really hard for me right now, I am giving him the option to change. I just can't get it out of my head!

 

Thank you for your advice, I really hope that he is willing to change! (I honestly don't think he would have considered changing until I threatened his comforts) I want a husband and not a roommate.

I guess there is no way of being sure he'll change until I let him back and show me.

[Moose]

Your first paragraph told me a lot. Yes, he's hurt and maybe even a little jealous that now he's not getting your 100% undivided attention any more.....This doesn't excuse him for going out and talking to other women about his problems. That's what you're there for. One thing is, when you let him back, don't pressure him into sitting down and talking. Just tell him, every Friday night, you and I will sit down and talk about how our week went, and what we would've done differently, or what would you like for me to do differently. This way, he knows the date and time he has to talk to you, no surprises, and you don't have to pressure him.

 

You will have to get him to try and understand that communication is a must have if he wants to show you he's serious about the marriage. Another thing is, check out the five love languages, do a web search and you'll find the book. It makes a lot of sense. But whatever you do, don't give up on him......

 

Moose