LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[ladyabstrused]

Is the scumbag ex still contacting you?! UGH, tell him to get a life, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Better yet, block him. Serisouly. Don't take his calls, don't read his emails, don't let him back in to your life, ever!

 

Yeah...that's what's happening here. It's a little difficult, though I am trying my best to fight this temptation to respond.

 

So. It's almost peach season and that means...peach cobbler with ice cream! Care to bite?

 

Honestly if dating was easy as cake/pie, it would be so much more fun! I can name half a dozen of them that would be perfectly in season in the next couple of months. Soooo much to look forward to.

 

Mmm peach cobbler with ice cream sounds real good! People say ice cream is a good treat for a broken heart. But I've never really done that lol perhaps I should try.

 

Heh. I get what you're saying shorty.

And yes, I remember your long advice previousy.

 

Go out with some friends ladyabstrused. Please, just find something you enjoy doing something and stop worrying about him, or you, and enjoy yourself. You'll feel so much better.

Take care.

 

I'm planning for these things, all right. It's just that my job reminds me of him a lot. Because we always talk during my little breaks. And these are the times I come on LS lol. Sucks that my colleagues and I have different timed breaks, otherwise I'd hang out with them.

 

Thanks for your support shorty!

[shorty7]

Yeah...that's what's happening here. It's a little difficult, though I am trying my best to fight this temptation to respond.

Change your email address. Change your phone service. Make a new Skype name! Run, my dear, RUN!

=P

 

Also, I think you're right about on par for a 23-year old. It's okay to be a little selfish, you still got years of yourself to grow into. Just be yourself. If you don't who you are right now, it's never too late to discover something about yourself that you DO like. Don't sweat it.

 

I'm planning for these things, all right. It's just that my job reminds me of him a lot. Because we always talk during my little breaks. And these are the times I come on LS lol. Sucks that my colleagues and I have different timed breaks, otherwise I'd hang out with them.

Well, I would assume LS kinda reminds you of him too... How about going outside for some fresh air and taking a walk? Hope it's not too muggy outside where you are. (Gawd, summer in Tokyo I spent was just AWFUL. I couldn't take the humidity)

 

Thanks for your support shorty!

Eh, that's what these forums are for anyways, right? You're welcome~

[ladyabstrused]

Also, I think you're right about on par for a 23-year old. It's okay to be a little selfish, you still got years of yourself to grow into. Just be yourself. If you don't who you are right now, it's never too late to discover something about yourself that you DO like. Don't sweat it.

 

Yeah I'm starting to realise this. I've been feeling so old so much. I need to be able to relax right? I should be happy, even if it means being selfish to him. I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of someone else.

 

Well, I would assume LS kinda reminds you of him too... How about going outside for some fresh air and taking a walk? Hope it's not too muggy outside where you are. (Gawd, summer in Tokyo I spent was just AWFUL. I couldn't take the humidity)

 

Yeah..well pretty much everything reminds me of him now that I think about it. Lol. I need to be distracted & that's what I've been trying to do anyway. Ah yeah humid where I am too...lately even more so I stay in a bit more. I'll make it a point to go out more.

 

Eh, that's what these forums are for anyways, right? You're welcome~

 

Awww thanks *hugs!*

[LovinCousins]

I had a nice long post written out for you, and it logged me out - derp.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning

 

You've been 'conditioned'. Research Operant Conditioning. Animals learn in 2 ways: inate (instinct) or observational (learned). 'Good' or 'Bad' is subjective to the reinforcement you recieved. You only, ONLY, got reinforcement from that selfish manipulative monster. This is the basis for 'mind games'.

 

My cousin told me to make an account and tell you we both support your choice to get away from him. I didn't think it would take me untill 6 AM : ).

 

-I love my cousin

Edited May 26, 2012 by LovinCousins
Pavlov linkage was fail, I msed up my psychology terms

[ladyabstrused]

I had a nice long post written out for you, and it logged me out - derp.

 

Operant conditioning - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

You've been 'conditioned'. Research Operant Conditioning. Animals learn in 2 ways: inate (instinct) or observational (learned). 'Good' or 'Bad' is subjective to the reinforcement you recieved. You only, ONLY, got reinforcement from that selfish manipulative monster. This is the basis for 'mind games'.

 

My cousin told me to make an account and tell you we both support your choice to get away from him. I didn't think it would take me untill 6 AM : ).

 

-I love my cousin

 

Wow, thank you so much. I feel touched that you created an account on here just to tell me this. Thank you, I have heard of how there are positive and negative reinforcements which are used for conditioning of behaviour.

 

It really makes sense, it never crossed my mind that I was actually going through something like this.

 

Thank you so much for both you and your cousin's support.

[blugirl]

Hey girl, logged in to see how your doing..... hang in there and stay away from to that man. You can do it and live happily with someone cut out just for you *hugs*

[ladyabstrused]

Hey girl, logged in to see how your doing..... hang in there and stay away from to that man. You can do it and live happily with someone cut out just for you *hugs*

 

Aww blugirl, so sweet of you to check up on me. Thank you!

 

I'm hanging in there. It's getting better by the day, especially when I have people around to keep me distracted lol.

 

*hugs* It's really nice of you blugirl. I'll probably keep updating on here when there's much more progress.

[Masana]

ladyabstrused, how are you these days? Your will power gives me strength in my pain. big hug

[janetadeline]

Just caught up this post and really wondering about how ladyabstrused is doing now.

 

To me, the guy sounds like want to control everything about you even you are far from each other. I can't image how a 35 year old guy gets so caution about you talking to other male, I wouldn't be with any guys like that and you let it be for 4.5 years?

 

I'm sorry to hear your story and I'm sorry to say if you staying the relationship with him, his abusive behavior will make your life more difficult.

 

No matter what happen to you, it's because you allow it. That's the Law of allowing. 70% of the earth is water, but you won't get drowned unless you put yourself into the water.

[ladyabstrused]

ladyabstrused, how are you these days? Your will power gives me strength in my pain. big hug

 

Aww, Masana, I never knew what I went through had an impact on anyone else here. I hope that you're all right, though I wonder what your story is. I'll look around if you have your story shared on LS, if not, care to share?

 

Just caught up this post and really wondering about how ladyabstrused is doing now.

 

To me, the guy sounds like want to control everything about you even you are far from each other. I can't image how a 35 year old guy gets so caution about you talking to other male, I wouldn't be with any guys like that and you let it be for 4.5 years?

 

I'm sorry to hear your story and I'm sorry to say if you staying the relationship with him, his abusive behavior will make your life more difficult.

 

No matter what happen to you, it's because you allow it. That's the Law of allowing. 70% of the earth is water, but you won't get drowned unless you put yourself into the water.

 

Thank you for your concern, janetadeline!

 

I broke up with him. I've been trying to do NC but kept failing despite several of the LS members supporting me to keep the NC. I couldn't help it. I opened a box of pain and heartache in the end from all those times I broke NC.

 

Well here's the update then. Over the past few days, he contacted me at first with full of anger and insults. Then as I continued to ignore and not retaliate (though I did respond a little just saying that he can say whatever he wants etc), he has been e-mailing me again and again, texting me yesterday and today and even called me again and again the other night.

 

Long story short, he says that he's realised his mistakes and that he said a lot of things of what the LS posters have said about him here in this thread..he was owning up to his past actions and said that he wants to work things out and want me to work things out with him.

 

I think it was yesterday or the day before that I said to him I don't want to work things out anymore. That was when we were on the phone (I had picked up as I felt bad and he was kind of begging me to pick up) and that was .. well he said I gave him closure there on the phone as he asked me what I was feeling etc. I told him the truth of how I felt, I didn't hide my feelings anymore.

 

So that was done. Then yesterday.. and today he's been writing me saying he is positive to make changes and that he loves me very much and all that. Basically I think he wants me back.

 

Sighs..my heart was saying yes but my head was saying no. It was too much that I went through.. and I'm starting to repair myself now. Thankfully I have got good friends around to keep me sane and strong.

 

Still going ahead today, it's LC at least. I don't know what sort of reply he'd give me now. We'll see, I'll update in case you guys are wondering.

[Masana]

Thank you ladyabstrused, my English is not so good to write my LDR story. You give me hope to fight for myself, thank you:)

[ladyabstrused]

Well, I've only got the other LS posters in this thread to thank for giving me that strength and assurance that things will get better. It was really difficult to see that in the beginning but as days go by now, I'm getting better and better. It really helps to have someone who'd be there to keep you going. If I can do that for you, just let me know here, I'll do my best to help you.

 

If you don't mind me asking, are you going through something similar as what I went through? Did you get out of a relationship and now starting on your road to healing?

[pettie]

I find that, one of the hardests things for anybody in a LDR, is finding someone to talk to. No one really understands the complexity of it unless they have gone/are going through the same.

 

I've been following this thread since the beginning - I am glad to hear things are improving for you.

[ladyabstrused]

I find that, one of the hardests things for anybody in a LDR, is finding someone to talk to. No one really understands the complexity of it unless they have gone/are going through the same.

 

I've been following this thread since the beginning - I am glad to hear things are improving for you.

 

Hey pettie, thanks! You're right on that really. Some of us are lucky, while some of us aren't. I'd say I'm pretty lucky to have people here and off here to keep me sane and keep me going strong.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[usps68057]

Wow, he scored big time. So he was 35 when you were 18 and met, and you are the one who flew to him once, and will again (thus you are spending the money). Yet he is there and for all you know he could have a family (he's like.. 40 now, ye?).

 

No offense but you need to wake up the f*ck up. You're a little Asian price chick. He's 40 and in another dimension when it comes to life experience - and no, don't tell me you're similar, you can't possibly be. You're just naive and innocent and leaving in a dream world.

 

For your sake, Find a RS with someone your age who lives near you cause right now you have a RS based on fantasy.

I did wake up, I am almost 17 years older than my now-ex-fiance. we seemed like soul mates. till we got pregnant and she went seriously emotional. I was there for the birth. And it was the worst birth experience I've ever had.

Now a moth later, we aren't talking, and she doesn't want me to even see the child.

 

If he hasn't been to visit you, there is a reason. If he's about 40. He can foot the bill to see you, and show you, he wants the relationship. Seems one sided. and to quote Braveheart "wake up William, wake up.", "but I don't want to wake", "I know but you must wake now". Wake up. Experience life before you waste it on a relationship.

[usps68057]

I did forget to mention that we started as a long distance relationship 2 years ago. 886 miles apart. I know, I drove it to see her, because I promised her sister I would so I could meet her family to. Only to find out the only family that even wanted to speak to me was the sister I made the promise to. I'm a man of my word, and try and keep it at all costs.

[ladyabstrused]

If he hasn't been to visit you, there is a reason. If he's about 40. He can foot the bill to see you, and show you, he wants the relationship. Seems one sided. and to quote Braveheart "wake up William, wake up.", "but I don't want to wake", "I know but you must wake now". Wake up. Experience life before you waste it on a relationship.

 

To think about it now, yeah I think he had the means to come visit... just couldn't for some reason. *shrugs*

 

I did forget to mention that we started as a long distance relationship 2 years ago. 886 miles apart. I know, I drove it to see her, because I promised her sister I would so I could meet her family to. Only to find out the only family that even wanted to speak to me was the sister I made the promise to. I'm a man of my word, and try and keep it at all costs.

 

I'm sorry it didn't turn out too well. :\

So she just cut you out of her life and the baby's life?

[shorty7]

hey ladya, I just dropped in to see how you're doing.

 

I'm glad to see there's some closure, but honestly, staying away (ugh, you'd think it should be easy with the distance between you two) should help.

 

I mean, for 4.5years he's been contacting you at work? Assuming you're in Asia, that's like usually anywhere from 5PM to 4AM in the Americas depending on location/timezones/summertime adjustments. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I can't talk to someone in a positive manner if I'm only talking to them when I should be resting/sleeping.

[ladyabstrused]

hey ladya, I just dropped in to see how you're doing.

 

I'm glad to see there's some closure, but honestly, staying away (ugh, you'd think it should be easy with the distance between you two) should help.

 

I mean, for 4.5years he's been contacting you at work? Assuming you're in Asia, that's like usually anywhere from 5PM to 4AM in the Americas depending on location/timezones/summertime adjustments. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I can't talk to someone in a positive manner if I'm only talking to them when I should be resting/sleeping.

 

Hey shorty7! Thanks for your concern. How have you been?

 

Yeah that's what we all think isn't it, that it'd be easier with the distance. Not really if I spend quite a lot of time with him previously. After the break-up it felt like I had so much time on my hands lol. But I've slowly occupied myself with work & friends.

 

Oh yeah..the hours when we talked could get pretty weird..I lacked proper rest..and then we'd also talk when I'm at work. It's pretty bad on weekends when we'd just talk all thru the day & night. :/ True though, there were times we were each unreasonable due to tiredness. :/

[ladyabstrused]

I broke NC again today. While it felt good to release some frustration that way, it makes me feel kind of stupid to have done that.

 

Things are going okay, moving on ahead, occasional bumps and falls on my way forward..but keeping on. Distracted for some moments though towards another particular direction. Don't exactly feel good though knowing that I'm not in the right state for something too deep.

 

Maybe I need to stop moving and deal first. Maybe I'm moving on too fast. Can't make out what these feelings are..if they're for real or they're just the kind that's yearning for love and attention just because those parts are currently empty inside. Most likely the latter thus I feel so angry that I have to be in this state.

 

Maybe it's time to just sail away on my own..so I don't put myself through unnecessary heartache again. Until I know I am out of this just broken-up phase.

[LovinCousins]

Oh no Lady don't break NC : (((.

 

You are seeking out the affection over 4+ years that you've gotten used to having daily. Just know other people can worry about you, other people will want you to be happy, even us strangers on the internet want you in a better situation. You found someone that in the end wasn't a good person to trust, it happens to all of us putting our hearts on the line. It happens to anyone with faith in people, but don't lose faith in love.

 

The pain is immense; and does not go away quickly. You can't sugarcoat that part. Yet understanding your yearning is exactly the way for you to remember why NC is important. What you yearn for is still out there, keep being yourself and he will appear.

 

Just make sure he's not at a family reunion : P, then you have another mess like me : D

[iambookworm]

I just read through this thread. Wow, our stories have so many similarities.

 

We started LDR (though only several hours away) and we make it a point to see each other at least once a month. Like you, he is a couple of years older than me. The way you kept defending the relationship despite everything people said ALSO reminded me of myself.

 

He broke up with me when I kept asking him if he was really divorced and what his address in the US was. He said I was asking too many questions.

 

Like you, I thought he was a really nice. Like you, I thought he loved me. Like you, I thought he did all that because he cared for me.

 

Although unlike you, he was never manipulative emotionally and encouraged me to be with friends, even came with us several times. He may be a liar but he was not emotionally abusive. From everything you've said here, I think your bf is emotionally manipulating and controlling you. ProfessorX and TM, and the others are right.

 

Mostly, I think he wanted you in the US because he could control you, and he could then let you take care of his parents. And then if he couldn't get a job, he would blame you. If he failed in his tests or certifications, he's going to blame you (incidentally, are you sure he is taking those certifications?), he's going to say, your breaking up with him made him lose focus. Something else happens, he's going to blame you.

 

The fact that you are LDR has kept you safe and ensured that it has not progressed into physical abuse.

 

Sorry if that felt harsh but that came across, even after all the defense that happened. So please, break it off. Maintain NC. It might be hard, because you were so used to talking to him on a daily basis. Truth be told, I am suffering the same NC withdrawal compulsion that you are. But whenever I feel a compulsion, I have friends who slap my hand and tell me NO.

 

Your friends are there for you. If you feel a need to, tell your friends. Delete him from your contact list. Ask your friends to help you. If they did not approve of the person, they will be willing to do everything they can to get you through this.

 

Good luck!

[ladyabstrused]

Oh no Lady don't break NC : (((.

 

You are seeking out the affection over 4+ years that you've gotten used to having daily. Just know other people can worry about you, other people will want you to be happy, even us strangers on the internet want you in a better situation. You found someone that in the end wasn't a good person to trust, it happens to all of us putting our hearts on the line. It happens to anyone with faith in people, but don't lose faith in love.

 

The pain is immense; and does not go away quickly. You can't sugarcoat that part. Yet understanding your yearning is exactly the way for you to remember why NC is important. What you yearn for is still out there, keep being yourself and he will appear.

 

Just make sure he's not at a family reunion : P, then you have another mess like me : D

 

Thank you, LC. You're right, I was seeking the attention that I got used to but I've been on NC for quite some time now so it really has helped me heal and move forward. I put my attention on other things, get myself out there more to fill up those times that I would spend with the ex.

 

I'm now being as myself as can be with people I meet and I do hope one day I'll meet that person who can accept me and love me for who I am. I am not seeing it too bright right now, honestly I feel like it's not going to happen and that I'd end up alone for the rest of my life (yes I know I'm still young) but I know, give it time and all that and who knows, right.

 

What did you mean, another mess like you with the family reunion? Care to story?

[ladyabstrused]

Mostly, I think he wanted you in the US because he could control you, and he could then let you take care of his parents. And then if he couldn't get a job, he would blame you. If he failed in his tests or certifications, he's going to blame you (incidentally, are you sure he is taking those certifications?), he's going to say, your breaking up with him made him lose focus. Something else happens, he's going to blame you.

 

Yeah, in the last few e-mails sent to me, they were insulting and mainly putting the blame on me. Yes, I was certain my ex was taking those certifications.

 

The fact that you are LDR has kept you safe and ensured that it has not progressed into physical abuse.

 

Funny that you would say that. I realise that it could have progressed into such a situation, yeah.

 

Sorry if that felt harsh but that came across, even after all the defense that happened. So please, break it off. Maintain NC. It might be hard, because you were so used to talking to him on a daily basis. Truth be told, I am suffering the same NC withdrawal compulsion that you are. But whenever I feel a compulsion, I have friends who slap my hand and tell me NO.

 

Your friends are there for you. If you feel a need to, tell your friends. Delete him from your contact list. Ask your friends to help you. If they did not approve of the person, they will be willing to do everything they can to get you through this.

 

Good luck!

 

You weren't harsh at all, but thank you so much for your advice. I'm still maintaining NC, though at times when I get e-mails like the last few ones, I felt bad. But now I have moved past that, I think also that I just passed the anger phase and more of a....numbed feeling phase? Don't know what phases are there in break-ups but yeah.

 

You're right, I've been spending more time with my friends. It helps in the healing process I guess.

 

Thank you, iambookworm. Good luck to you too on your journey of healing and NC.

 

If you don't mind me asking, you broke up with your bf because he lied? How long were you 2 together?

[iambookworm]

If you don't mind me asking, you broke up with your bf because he lied? How long were you 2 together?

 

No, he broke up with me. He lied and lied and I still believed him. Fortunately for you, you had the strength to break up with him. I didn't.

In my defense, we were so good together and he made my happy, no arguments, just my concerns. So I thought I was just making things up.

We were together almost 2 years.

I'm still trying to get over the compulsion to communicate with him but its forums like these and friends like mine that are helping me get through this.