LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[ladyabstrused]

I know that feeling. :\

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but glad that it surfaced sooner than much later.

 

Yeah, same for me, keeping NC and coming on LS has been one way of helping me get through it. We can do it!

[iambookworm]

I know that feeling. :\

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but glad that it surfaced sooner than much later.

 

Yeah, same for me, keeping NC and coming on LS has been one way of helping me get through it. We can do it!

 

And I am even more glad that I was VERY careful with protection. I wouldn't want to be left pregnant.

 

How are you doing? Has he contacted you since?

[ladyabstrused]

Wow yeah, that's true, it would be a whole lot of mess if it left you pregnant!

 

I'm all right, moving ahead. Keeping NC. Still going on. Yeah well the ex has left e-mails, but only to express feelings of... sadness I guess. Still believes it was entirely my fault. Ah well.. I know better now.

 

How are you doing? How long have you been on NC?

[iambookworm]

Wow yeah, that's true, it would be a whole lot of mess if it left you pregnant!

 

I'm all right, moving ahead. Keeping NC. Still going on. Yeah well the ex has left e-mails, but only to express feelings of... sadness I guess. Still believes it was entirely my fault. Ah well.. I know better now.

 

How are you doing? How long have you been on NC?

 

2 days? broke it though but not in a bad way. I just wanted to know what his true marital status was so a friend helped me search him online. Wow, he's married! and he got married about 2 months before he put up his online profile and met up with me. *********! haha, now I want to contact his wife and let her know!!!

[ladyabstrused]

2 days? broke it though but not in a bad way. I just wanted to know what his true marital status was so a friend helped me search him online. Wow, he's married! and he got married about 2 months before he put up his online profile and met up with me. *********! haha, now I want to contact his wife and let her know!!!

 

Are you sure he's married?? If it's true, what an assh*le.

 

Are you seriously going to contact his wife?

[LovinCousins]

Well Lady I think I can sneak my story in for you and still talk about yearning to stay 'on topic' with the NC situation. Yearning for something you can't have is one of the strongest feelings. In my case (and my SO) we ended up yearning for each other and knew we couldn't... We are cousins, and met at another cousin's wedding. We had already started talking to each other with our eyes when we heard the word cousin, and for all we knew at the time it was 'wrong' so we both stopped, tried to stop.

 

I guess I can type out the big long thing on how we met since you can't understand my joke about 'family reunions' without some history : ). I might have changed a few details since this is going to be on the internet forever.

 

It all begins in a state you'd generally associate with the wive tales of cousins falling in love, Kansas (population 4). We were going out to see our older cousin get married. The place they'd picked to be wed was a beautiful little section amung farmlands; there were old three story brick homes, with large trees out front that shaded the entirety of the buildings. The bluffs a mile away reached toward the sky, while the rest of the state was nothing but grass.

 

In this small section of beauty I first laid eyes on my cousin, my love. We had driven to meet them and ended up pulling side by side with the trucks. I leaned forward to see across the truck what I saw across the far side of the truck would change my life. I looked into her eyes (but she wasn't looking into mine untill a split second later). At the same moment, my father was listing off who was in our truck; and her mother began to list off who was in their truck. After what seemed like a day staring into these amazing mystery eyes, we both heard cousin - our little thumping hearts stayed walled up and we both looked away.

 

I didn't know quite what to think at this stage; I ignored it all as best I could and just acted normal. We all met up on a porch and began to catch up. She was across from me, sitting next to my father. While we all talked I could not help but look toward her, wanting to ignore the family and talk just to her; but we'd always catch eyes and look away, nervous. I felt like it was time to explore the scenary and 'borrowed' a bike I found, in hindsight I think I was becoming overwhelmed with strange feelings toward her and tried to clear my mind.

 

I did what every good man does; I found the next best man, the one manning the BBQ and sat down to offer a hand. While waiting more of the family came to eat and eventually, there she was again. We sat on a picnic table across from each other, constantly glancing and looking away. There was some good stories we all passed around while waiting for more family to show up. The religious crew came around with a handful of little kids. The little 4 and 5 year olds turned out to really like playing frizbee with me and before i knew it, the sun had set.

 

I turned to look, hoping she was still around since almost everyone else was gone. To my relief there she was sitting on the picnic table outside under the full moon. We both had a drink; maybe I had 4. We had some lowered inhibitions and we all start cartwheeling in the grass while a storm front begins to blow rolling clouds over us. I do about 3 cartwheels and lay down; to enjoy the clouds. Unbelievablely, she lays down at my side. We both were finally not afraid to look at each other, and we felt close. We talked about the beauty of the little spot around us, and we started talking about our other times we'd found 'love' - maybe us both knowing what we were about to start. She began to speak about being hurt before and it led to the only way I knew to keep her from starting to cry; I held her.

 

A slight rain came from the clouds we'd been enjoying, it was light and warm but still forced us to move from the grass. Somehow, we all elect the overhang on the roof offers a perfect place to stay dry and talk without waking people up. The party dwindles, and before long she and I aren't even aware our cousin or his wife are on the roof together with us. We start to hold hands (both hands <3), wrap each other up in my jacket and become inseperable. At this point we get left alone; still unsure if we've been discovered. We stay on the roof untill the cold breaks us loose and we go inside.

 

We spent almost two weeks together after that sneaking away during family outtings untill the wedding. We had managed to let them have us sleep together to avoid our siblings drama (as their drama production skills have never been more favorable). Finally after a year together in secret we asked our family for help and acceptance before I moved away to finally start my undergraduate work, a few years late. Her mother was the only member of the family to believe our feelings were worth us following (actually saying when she saw us holding hands at the wedding she noticed the connection).

 

It's been a little over a year now since we told them and we still only have her supporting us while my immediate family never wants our relationship to hit the religious side of the family (everyone else). We've done research, mentioned the there is nothing against cousins in love in the bible or legally (outside of the East Coast of the US).

 

The problem for me, and my side of the family has a set of extremely high standards. The mere idea I have become a redneck cousin lover (I'll skip the harsher things we've been called, since I tryyy to forgive) was all too much for them and the ultimatum was set... Masters or not part of the family - as their main solution to the problem is still to ignore the strongest connection we've both felt in a decade.

 

It was too hard for me to express to her how I was feeling with all the family confusion. Instead of making a fool of myself (even now I know I couldn't have done that <3) I started to write poems everyday and still haven't stopped. Sometimes I write out our memories together like this excerpt from our first night together. Here is one I wrote about a month after we told the family, you guys may actually understand it if you read that wall of text.

 

If life had a way to close our distance

Someway to avoid our family resistance

You know my hands would be laced with yours

Letting go of your hands only to open doors

Walking together my heart beating forever yours

Beating patiently for the end of our tours

Knowing in the end we'll be close everyday

Makes my heart and head - dream then drift away

Dreaming while I write you of moments together

Never caring how our family debates whether

Our love is more than they can accept

It's a concept over which we both wept

Yet in our future when we wait out the pain

There would be nothing more in life to gain

Knowing my heart and soul are open to you

And that you even listen to my poems too

Thinking of more dorky things for you to hear

Makes me smile from ear to ear

I know I will be here year after year

Waiting patiently for you my dear <3

 

Why am I sharing this... Not sure; maybe because there aren't enough good stories I read on here. Also because you asked : ). If you do date a cousin; make sure your friends are awesome. I know ours constantly teased us, only to hear one of us say 'should've dated your cousin' everytime they wanted to complain about their relationships. : D

 

So, moral of my love story just follow your heart (after making sure you won't burn every bridge in the world to the ground); I can safely say it'll come from somewhere you never expect.

Edited July 7, 2012 by LovinCousins
I left out a single 'the'

[ladyabstrused]

Hey LC! Good to see you posting a big one here.

 

Wow, I get your joke now totally. And now I totally get your nick. I guess it gets very tricky when you end up having feelings for someone whom many of your family members won't approve of. It must get quite difficult at times to come face to face with that. :\

 

Reading your story made me smile, but it kind of left a bittersweet feeling at the end because there is such a strong connection there but yet the circumstances were not in favour of the both of you. I admire your determination to continue loving her despite all the barriers. I'm sorry that love comes in such an unexpected and undesirable situation for you but at the same time, there is something sweet about it being so unexpected.

 

Such a sweet poem you wrote.. I guess it comes with the inspiration of your emotions and feelings inside thus the words would flow out easily from within. Do you still write every day?

 

So where are you now with her? In terms of dating? Are you two still together?

 

Thank you for sharing this really, it's interesting and I'm sure there are lessons to learn from your story here and who knows, maybe some people on this forum can relate.

[LovinCousins]

It must get quite difficult at times to come face to face with that. :\

We think it's just standard LDR pains. The family knows that saying we can't talk or visit each other just means we'll run off together. I made it very clear I'd done the research on residency, tuitions, prereqs and transfers and there was nothing to keep me here but a willingness to have my family accept our love. We have 11 months more apart before I've got the news about transferring to her, or her transferring to me. Our college programs are both packed on the West Coast so it'll be me going to flat farmland with no mountains for 600 miles for her and school, sacrifices.

 

Yes we are still together, I'll skip the poems she helps me write since they aren't appropriate, or ones I want to make public. This May 4th was 2 years for us since our litle story I wrote : P. I gave her a locket with a rock from the first walk we took together without ever letting go of each other. It took me a long time to finally borrow the diamond blade tile saw to cut the tiny two tone rock, melted red over orange. She has one side I have the other. I leave mine in the sun so it feels as though the warmth from her hand is on my chest again <3.

 

an unexpected and undesirable situation

 

Unexpected - very much so, to the point of shock almost.

Undesirable - I'd never say her having my heart is undesirable. I trust her beyond the definition of the word. Trust is something I'd almost given up on after dating and so many failed relationships because other people felt a need to lie or breach trust somehow. It's been like having my first love all over again, with my experience from dating this time and never one 'red flag' for either of us. Our first month together was just talking about us and if we only liked sneaking around, being told it was wrong, etc etc. The joys of something you cannot have?

 

maybe some people on this forum can relate.

 

You mean like my cousin and I? : D

 

 

I do still write daily; but right now I'm in the middle of trying out epics, and I personally don't think they are very good, but she disagrees : ). Here is one from the first few months we started hiding from the family and had to look at each other and not have long hugs, or hold hands, or kiss. We both started to realize exactly how painful the longing for affection can become.

 

[sIZE=2]

You've gone out for the night

So tonight I've decided to write

My head spins day in and out

Figuring ways to bring your smile about

I'd mention all your qualities

But that poem would be the size of most cities

I fear not to write you my heart in a novel

As long as you'd know it was not to grovel

-

Your affection and intelligence strike me daily

There is nothing more I wish to recieve so gayly

My arms are waiting for only you

My dreams even seem to be too

My heart leaps with thoughts of our family reunion

Normally I'd be startled to even speak of a such union

Yet - you know my real desires

And for that we fear our kin will call us ignorant liars

More over we both know the pain

Of losing each other with no way to explain

The things each of us has come to attain

From the mere promise of us each to remain

All the way the efforts to support each other

While we both quit smoking for one another

That alone is hard without support

Luckily we have each others escort

We've gone over most of our large concerns

Hopefully we don't annoy the family in turns

For so far our other issues may only be so trivial

Hopefully nothing more than is solved with a short dial

For hearing your voice makes me remember our time

Then my heart begins to speak out in rhyme

-

My feelings for you are utterly sublime

If it meant seeing you theres nothing I won't climb

If it meant hearing you theres nothing I won't do

If it meant holding you there is nothing I won't go through

Worrying over these feelings seems so absurd

There is nothing distressful in any of our words

We may trade stories of troubles

But that only makes me see in doubles

As my heart begins to hallucinate it is with you

I've never felt anything that I thought was more true

The concerns we have may be founded

As our hearts would be locked away even hounded

Once there is time that we prove it is not only new

But I know my feelings for you are stronger than glue

-

Holding together that which we find so new

Has never in my life been this easy to do

Also though my heart has never been faced

With something that may leave my family with a bad taste

There is much we'd be forced to debate

That is why with your wisdom we decided to await

A future together that is brighter than the sun

As we both let our hearts take lead and run

We must wait for our perfect lives together

In the meantime we'll spend years to see whether

They truely accept that which can make us complete

That is our love together which will never retreat

Maybe someday we can be dangling our feet

Over a dock in a pristine lake - with air so sweet

Our hearts at ease speaking of their content

Our families aware and granted their consent

Watching together while young ones swim

When suddenly they run off at their parents whim

Arms wrapped tightly around each other

Your head resting softly on my shoulder

We both watch sunset over the trees

Keeping you warm from the evenings breeze

Cuddled together I'm at complete ease

[/sIZE]

[ladyabstrused]

2 years and still going strong? I'm so happy for you and her both.

 

The locket you gave her..wow..when I read that, I thought to myself, what a romantic you must be. That is so sweet.

 

Well when I said undesirable, I just meant the situation whereby your family doesn't really approve of the both of you together. It's really nice to see how you and her can have such a strong connection and trust for each other.

 

Aww.. I like that poem you wrote. It's beautiful.

Did you both really gave up smoking for one another? If that was true, that sounds really good.

 

Your story reminds me so much of those love novels with happy endings. I just hope that your relationship remains strong and get even stronger when the time comes for you to be with her again. I do wish you all the best and all the luck in making it work.

[LovinCousins]

The lockets we have are actually a combination of ideas I had before the long distance. We used to keep a heart shaped rock from different events. Mine came from a walk we were on down the river near her house to a bluff that looks out over Pacific Ocean and we'd wait for sunset. One walk she let go of my hand for a second and when she found it again there was a small grape sized heart shaped clear rock, almost like quartz, in between our hands <3. The one she has was from the only vacation I took without her while we were 'hiding.' I had a group of three 7 and 8 year olds helping me to find a perfect flat, pink, heart shaped rock. I wanted to make a necklace with it, but it took me a month to get just a diamond tipped drill bit from my tile friends. I made a necklace for myself too, but I don't wear it much I just like to carry the little rock <3.

 

I may, slightly agree our situation is not ideal, at least not right now. We both used to mention the idea of waiting and we both would laugh at the idea of even wasting time talking to other people. I know that what we found just can't happen elsewhere. There might be some reasons, none are too hard to figure out knowing we're related, raised the same and have the same tastes.

 

She used to smoke cigarettes a lot; and the instant I told her I don't like them she said she'd stop. I asked her if she'd tried before, she said not successfully. So I immediately felt bad, because at the time I smoked a lot of pot when I wasn't in classes or with her. So before I was a hippocrit I stopped, and while I stopped she was trying too. It was easier for me; pot is just a taste thing. She still caves when she drinks; but honestly thats the only times I have ever smoked cigarettes, so I don't mind.

 

We have both always tried to keep it strong, while hiding and while being apart. I write poems, she writes little fake stories about us together after the distance. We both try to surprise each other with friends while we've been apart. I mail her bff little notecards with cute stuff or poems on them. She hides them for me in her purse, clothes, pillows and a few other places : ). My friends end up being recruited to take me to concerts and shows randomly then she'll text me when they start and say hope I enjoy my 'night out.'

 

Maybe I need to actually read a love novel, I've never read one. I've been told a few times while making up poems with her that we make people gag with how cute we are together. I know it'll work out for us, she does too. If it doesn't, we surely can't try NC, so we'll always have a relationship. I just figure our little story might help someone's faith in love.

[ladyabstrused]

Ah the things you do for each other, are so romantic and sweet.

 

Reading your post brings a smile to my face. How nice it would be to experience something so sweet with another person. I find it hard to even remember the nice things me and ex did for each other. There were too many bitter memories honestly.

 

Anyway, its really nice as well that you both decided to stop doing those things. It's much better for your health as well and it's like each of you motivate the good for each other. That's what it should be like. Your SO is to make you a better person. Or make you feel better.

 

I guess the reason why you both seem so good together is because you both are actually working at things in the relationship, that it's not one-sided. Both of you seem to be so mutual with each other, that's amazing. I'm happy for you, LC. Both of you.

 

You're so positive and hopeful that I think it might actually help influence the relationship to work. As they say, the mind is a powerful tool to get what you want in life. And I'm pretty sure there are readers of your story who might be inspired and have some faith and hope refilled in them to keep trying in their own relationships.

 

Wish you both the best of luck in your relationship and may it just continue to grow stronger and stronger each day.

[iambookworm]

Are you sure he's married?? If it's true, what an assh*le.

 

Are you seriously going to contact his wife?

 

Yes I did. Only to apologize though. I did try to convince her but I dont know if she believed me. Not my problem now though.

 

How are you?

[ladyabstrused]

Yes I did. Only to apologize though. I did try to convince her but I dont know if she believed me. Not my problem now though.

 

How are you?

 

I saw you wrote that on another thread! :\

Think it was good that you alerted his wife. She ought to know.

 

I've been doing all right, better and better each day. Thank you for asking!

 

How are you doing?

[Sugarkane]

I felt really concerned reading this thread. I want to know why a young woman has wasted YEARS on an old guy, who doesn't even make an effort to see her? When I was 18 I thought 30 was old, let alone 40! Wouldn't you like to be with someone more your own age? You're young, why be with someone you never even see? If you continue contact you could waste your whole life on someone you would never see in person. Do you get that? What were you really getting out of of this guy? You've only met him once and people are always nervous/ full of expectations the first meeting. Seeing someone in person and IM/ skyping are very different. It is too easy to fake who you are via online. And what if you want kids one day? He might be too old and you could be looking after him aswell. Have you thought of if people ask you if you're father and daughter all the time? Was he ever going to do anything but string you along for 4, 10, 20 more years? I think you need to look into why you care so much about someone, who won't make any effort to see you. People call you naive because you don't see that older men think you are an easy target.

[iambookworm]

I saw you wrote that on another thread! :\

Think it was good that you alerted his wife. She ought to know.

 

I've been doing all right, better and better each day. Thank you for asking!

 

How are you doing?

 

I am doing fine too I am just glad I have a good network of friends and family who helped me through it. Hope you do, too.

 

I felt really concerned reading this thread. I want to know why a young woman has wasted YEARS on an old guy, who doesn't even make an effort to see her? When I was 18 I thought 30 was old, let alone 40! Wouldn't you like to be with someone more your own age? You're young, why be with someone you never even see? If you continue contact you could waste your whole life on someone you would never see in person. Do you get that? What were you really getting out of of this guy? You've only met him once and people are always nervous/ full of expectations the first meeting. Seeing someone in person and IM/ skyping are very different. It is too easy to fake who you are via online. And what if you want kids one day? He might be too old and you could be looking after him aswell. Have you thought of if people ask you if you're father and daughter all the time? Was he ever going to do anything but string you along for 4, 10, 20 more years? I think you need to look into why you care so much about someone, who won't make any effort to see you. People call you naive because you don't see that older men think you are an easy target.

 

Ouch. hehe. I can relate.

 

I cannot answer for ladyabstrused but for me, I wanted someone older than me because they are more mature.

[ladyabstrused]

I felt really concerned reading this thread. I want to know why a young woman has wasted YEARS on an old guy, who doesn't even make an effort to see her? When I was 18 I thought 30 was old, let alone 40! Wouldn't you like to be with someone more your own age? You're young, why be with someone you never even see? If you continue contact you could waste your whole life on someone you would never see in person. Do you get that? What were you really getting out of of this guy? You've only met him once and people are always nervous/ full of expectations the first meeting. Seeing someone in person and IM/ skyping are very different. It is too easy to fake who you are via online. And what if you want kids one day? He might be too old and you could be looking after him aswell. Have you thought of if people ask you if you're father and daughter all the time? Was he ever going to do anything but string you along for 4, 10, 20 more years? I think you need to look into why you care so much about someone, who won't make any effort to see you. People call you naive because you don't see that older men think you are an easy target.

 

Thank you for your concern, Sugarkane.

 

You stated all very good points and at this time, yes I have managed NC for more than a month. Been broken up for about 2 months now. I've been dealing with it in many ways and am doing better and feel happier. I learn from my mistakes and from this past relationship.

 

I think I cared so much cos I really loved him. Too bad really.

 

I cannot answer for ladyabstrused but for me, I wanted someone older than me because they are more mature.

 

I didn't exactly want someone older. In fact it was one of the things I said I'd never let happen. But I fell in love with his character and personality. I overlooked that and thought.. well what does age matter. Yes, I was naive back then. Age does matter, unless the 2 people can truly hit it off with the age differences.

[ladyabstrused]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/347921-its-time-update

[cerridwen]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/347921-its-time-update

 

And what a GREAT update it was!

So happy for you!

[ladyabstrused]

Thank you cerridwen!

[Chris516]

They definitely are difficult. I have been in an LDR for five years. Not only is distance an issue for me. Her mental health(OCD) is also a crucial issue for me.

 

We have seen each several times over the years. But, I want more, than, that.

[ladyabstrused]

They definitely are difficult. I have been in an LDR for five years. Not only is distance an issue for me. Her mental health(OCD) is also a crucial issue for me.

 

We have seen each several times over the years. But, I want more, than, that.

 

Wow. How do you exactly deal with her OCD? Any future plans set?

[Chris516]

Wow. How do you exactly deal with her OCD? Any future plans set?

 

I had future plans(more like hopes). Because her parents even have second house that they own, which she n' her mother showed to me during my first visit out there. But, Because of her OCD, she told me that due to her parents' age(81 n' 74 respectively) that she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Which meant, even though the second house was less than ten miles away, it wasn't good enough. Then she said her mother's health(Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) was another reason. I told her, we should never have looked at the house, if there was going to be this many roadblocks to living together.

[Chris516]

Wow. How do you exactly deal with her OCD? Any future plans set?

 

I had future plans(more like hopes). Because her parents even have second house that they own, which she n' her mother showed to me during my first visit out there. But, Because of her OCD, she told me that due to her parents' age(81 n' 74 respectively) that she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Which meant, even though the second house was less than ten miles away, it wasn't good enough. Then she said her mother's health(Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) was another reason. I told her, we should never have looked at the house, if there was going to be this many roadblocks to living together.

 

I have tried to be creative in dealing with her OCD. Instead of trying to stop it outright, sort of make work to her advantage. Instead of trying to stop like, a flyswatter, hitting a bee, or whatever triggers her OCD. I would try to think of something 'positive' to obsess on. I thought it was working, until she told me there were other things she was obsessing on too. I was trying to see, as part of being a good boyfriend, if I could 'focus' her obsession, in order to help her cope with her OCD more easily.

[ladyabstrused]

I had future plans(more like hopes). Because her parents even have second house that they own, which she n' her mother showed to me during my first visit out there. But, Because of her OCD, she told me that due to her parents' age(81 n' 74 respectively) that she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Which meant, even though the second house was less than ten miles away, it wasn't good enough. Then she said her mother's health(Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) was another reason. I told her, we should never have looked at the house, if there was going to be this many roadblocks to living together.

 

I have tried to be creative in dealing with her OCD. Instead of trying to stop it outright, sort of make work to her advantage. Instead of trying to stop like, a flyswatter, hitting a bee, or whatever triggers her OCD. I would try to think of something 'positive' to obsess on. I thought it was working, until she told me there were other things she was obsessing on too. I was trying to see, as part of being a good boyfriend, if I could 'focus' her obsession, in order to help her cope with her OCD more easily.

 

Ah I see. That's interesting. Does she go see a doctor about it though? Or someone professional? Who could perhaps also give you tips on ways to cope with OCD?