LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[Mystical_Nark]

Well he did offer to pay for the next one but like I said, we didn't get to discuss it fully because things got rougher recently. Well I do know his background and he's been truthful because I was there and saw how he was living. At the moment he's taking care of his old parents so he's living with them.

 

You're right, we are not similar at all. We only click at certain things, when it comes to spiritual items and beliefs. I know, he says I'm naive too. Many times he has told me that if I feel like I don't want to do this, I should just let him go and move on.

 

Professor X, I know that I love him very much, even though our physical meetings were only once. I talk to him daily on the phone and texting and we did webcam when it was working for him. Recently he was experiencing some rough issues with work and now he's still looking for a decent job.

 

Yeah, we did discuss about the fantasy part. We discussed a lot of our issues. If this relationship was real to each of us or was it a fantasy. We have explored all these and to me, this is real. I know him, but I admit, not enough because we haven't been around each other in physical to learn about each other even deeper.

 

At the moment, I'm trying to work things out with him through therapy. Hopefully it will help us understand the issues and have a better resolution to this. He and I both know that the resolution may be the end of this relationship, as we decided to give it another chance.

 

He is very giving towards me and has sent me gifts and cards and letters to compensate for not being around and being unable to come over here. He sacrificed his work just to spend more time with me when I was there. He set things up so romantically and so lovingly that I felt bad I didn't do more for him.

 

Everyone has their positive and negative sides. I know he tries to be the best he can be for me. But I on the other hand, I kind of go with my emotions a lot of times. Also because I'm a very emotional person. We each try to work on our own personal issues to be better for each other.

 

I may be naive when I met him, but I feel that I know better now.

 

Do you really think I'm just seeing this relationship based on fantasy? Am I really still blinded by emotions? But then how do we explain this feeling I have for him? The fact that I do love him very much and I know he's a genuine person and is truthful to me?

 

The hardest part is taking a step back and looking at your relationship with him as a whole. Looking at the negatives and positives, and figuring out if there are more negative than positive, or visa versa. With him being much older than you, he could be taking advantage of that. I mean you both have held on for such a long time considering you only saw him once for two weeks over a time span of 4.5 years. You just need to decide if this relationship is worth it, and if you truly want him in your life knowing how things have been. I wish you the best in the world with whatever decision you make because ultimately you have to make the decision in the end, but at least you're wanting feedback to gain another perspective about it.

[Professor X]

Sorry, I don't mean to deter from the conversation but since you've insisted on this "White man Asian GF fantasy" twice already, I do have to question--What is it about an Asian woman aside from their physical attractiveness or personality that appeals to you, as you say, just because they are Asian?

Not sure what it is, they're exotic, I guess. I mean, there are attractive women from all ethnicities (IMO), but there's just something more when it comes to Asians, can't quite point it out.

Wish I had a better answer for ya.

[LittleTiger]

Not sure what it is, they're exotic, I guess. I mean, there are attractive women from all ethnicities (IMO), but there's just something more when it comes to Asians, can't quite point it out.

Wish I had a better answer for ya.

 

Apologies to the OP for going a little off-track here but I just feel the need to counter this "White man Asian GF fantasy". I know plenty of Western men who are not in the least bit attracted to Asian women, not in a racist way, but just because they are not really their 'type' - each to their own.

 

From men who do like Asian women, I have heard, more than once, that it is their perception that these women are more 'meek, mild and subservient' in comparison with Western women, that is the attraction. I have no idea if this is true, it's just what I have heard, but if that is how the OPs boyfriend views Asian women then the power balance of their relationship is even greater in his eyes.

 

I just hope that the OP seeks advice from friends and family on her situation - presumably they will know more about the details of the relationship that we do.

[Professor X]

I have heard, more than once, that it is their perception that these women are more 'meek, mild and subservient'

I did not want to say it myself because that would imply:

the power balance of their relationship is even greater in his eyes.

 

 

P.S. I never said ALL white men, but a lot, yes.

[LittleTiger]

Unfortunately, I think in this case it needs saying - the more information the OP has about what is possibly going on here, the better she will be able to make up her own mind about the dynamics of this relationship.

 

I realise you didn't say ALL white men, Professor X - I'm sorry if it came across that way - I just felt that, because the OP appears to be so naive, it should be explicitly stated.

[ladyabstrused]

Wow guys...blugirl, shorty7, FitChick, LittleTiger, Professor X and Mystical. Thank you so much for all your inputs. I would love to respond in greater detail, but I'm just not up for it at the moment to think about my issues here. I feel that it's a bit too much to handle, right after having a session with my therapist with him. Yeah I know maybe it's harder for therapy to work when we're both not physically there..but I don't know, just giving this a shot based on the circumstances we're in...be it fantasy or not.

 

Thank you guys, I can't believe each of you took interest to post replies. I have some things to comment on and question though as I read each of your posts but I'll do it tomorrow okay? I'm really not up for it right now, please know that I'm not being unappreciative of your comments and suggestions. I do very much so appreciate every word in response to my original post.

 

Thank you.

[ladyabstrused]

ALL relationships, LDR or not, need physical time together

 

Yes. Agree very much. I wish for that to happen in my relationship.

 

Professor X pretty much hit the nail on the head with the "filler" reference. No matter how honest and/or open you are on the phone/email/letters, there's no substitute for warmth of skin next to your own, the smell of sweat and just sheer body language. They say that only 7% of what is being communicated in a message to another person is done solely by spoken words. In your case, you're missing out entirely on the 93% of what you two are trying to say each other. So what you think you understand, there's room to doubt some of that came from just what you want to be there or wish it was there and not because it's the truth.

 

I did feel the difference between just being on cam or on the phone as compared to being in physical. It is so much different indeed. I miss holding his hand. I miss the smell of his hair. It may be 2 weeks and it was a short time, but we spent about 90% of the time together.

 

You're right. There is room to doubt. But I've known him for so long, he's been the same person I've always known. Even though there wasn't much physical contact, there was a whole lot of communication that took place for such a long time that I feel close enough to him in my heart. Does that not count at all?

[ladyabstrused]

If he is 40, his parents are probably in their late 60s or early 70s. These days that is not old and few people that age are feeble. Why don't his siblings take care of the parents? I wonder if he is taking care of his parents or if they are taking care of him...

 

I'll just say that he doesn't have a close-knit family and his siblings can't even be responsible over their own children I doubt it would be safe to leave his sick parents to the siblings. He takes care of them. They don't do too well on their own because each of them are ill in health. He takes care of their diet cos they're on special diets, he does the shopping, the cooking, the house chores. He's a good person and I do know this.

 

Something is very strange about this. I wonder if he is gay and in the closet, or just asexual. Perhaps very immature. He is pretending to have a relationship, just like you are. I have had LDRs and this isn't how it's supposed to be.

 

How is this strange? You mean his situation? Yes I find it strange years ago too. But as I learn to get to know them better, really anything is possible. So much they've gone through as a family. He's the pillar of strength in the family honestly. And no he's not gay, not in the closet, not asexual, I'm sure.

[Professor X]

You're right. There is room to doubt. But I've known him for so long, he's been the same person I've always known. Even though there wasn't much physical contact, there was a whole lot of communication that took place for such a long time that I feel close enough to him in my heart. Does that not count at all?

That's the whole issue. You've known all this time this fantasy man. You don't know the real man, impossible. How can you? And as for if it counts, well, yes and no. It counts in the sense that you love something, but it doesn't count cause your love is aimed to a person who is basically a creation of your imagination (for the most part).

[ladyabstrused]

You ask if 'you' are hurting him, and you feel like 'he' is hurt by the way you are? What about you? How does the relationship make you feel? You are so young and so new to relationships it really concerns me to hear how you are wrapped up in his feelings and how the arguments are affecting him. It is not up to you alone to improve the relationship - it takes two - always!

 

The relationship makes me feel like I'm at my home base. I feel right whenever I'm with him. But which relationship doesn't have issues? I mean, I'm not trying to be in denial or anything like this but I feel that something happened that just rearranged our position towards each other.

 

I feel that a lot of the issues are carried by me because I'm starting to learn certain things in therapy that I never realised before. I have baggage from my childhood that is affecting the relationship in a bad way. He's affected too and perhaps he reacts to it in his way, I have a hard time comprehending why he reacted in such a way and that leads me to react emotionally because I feel like I'm being attacked (another baggage from my childhood).

 

Sometimes I feel really guilty for being so messed up. He does try to improve himself in this relationship. I just never saw them or acknowledged them.

 

This is just my opinion of course but, at your age, life should be a little easier than this.

 

Really? I've never had life easy in my life. How would I know what's easy really.

 

When you say he has plans for moving out and getting care for his parents - do you know what those plans are and when they are going to be actioned? If you decide that you want this relationship to go the distance you need to know at least roughly how much longer you will have to wait. 4.5 yrs in a LDR with no physical contact is a huge waste of your life if it doesn't work out in the end.

 

Yes we have had planned out a timeline with regard to this. And yes I was made clear of the plans and when they will be actioned out. I used to complain to him how much it takes to have to wait so long. But we're very near it now as compared to before.

 

Yes, I really think it appears unhealthy given the dynamics you have described. Love does not guarantee a healthy relationship. Visit other sections of this board (abuse, addiction & recovery, separation & divorce, infidelity, cheating, flirting and jealousy) and you will learn a lot about unhealthy relationships.

 

All right, I will check out the other forums about those you have suggested. Thank you.

 

He may be the 'most wonderful guy' you've ever met but if you are honest with yourself, how many guys have you actually met in your life so far? If you have been physically intimate with him then you are also emotionally attached in a way that you do not understand because you have no previous experience.

 

Well I've met enough guys in my life to know he's a rare one. Could be where I'm from but then that's the way things were when I met him, guys around me all sucked. I don't jump into relationships thus this is my first one. I've had guy friends and guys who have been interested but I just couldn't find any good reason to be in a relationship with them. I guess I was trying to be very careful not to land in a bad one after seeing so many of my friends go through crap and even my siblings and my cousins.

 

From what you say, you are both having a hard time dealing with this relationship and it is happening for lots of reasons - many of which it seems cannot be changed. The most worrying aspect of this is that he is blaming you and you are accepting the blame without good reason.

 

Yes he does blame me..and that's only because it's true. He never wanted to blame me. Only recently...I think because he can't take it. I don't know. Yes this relationship is going wrong on all levels for a lot of reasons and can it be changed? I don't know really. I was asking myself that question and I haven't come up with an answer.

 

Have you sought help/opinions from your parents/family about this? What do they think of your boyfriend, your relationship and your feelings about it all?

 

My father is no longer around. If he was, he would never approve of him. But that's only because he didn't want me to be with an American. After what happened or what he thought happened with my older sister who married one, she kind of...changed? And he thought that it was because her husband was manipulating her to go against him.

 

My mother...she doesn't really care. But she doesn't like the fact that I spend more time with him than I do with the family.

 

His parents are old-school. They don't like me because I'm "oriental" lol. I find it a little funny how they term me. But yeah. :\

 

No one supports us.

 

Even without all of the red flags, it seems unlikely that such an arrangement will lead to long term happiness for either of them.

 

Long term unhappiness can still be turned around to be a lifetime of bliss, right?

 

Unfortunately, I think in this case it needs saying - the more information the OP has about what is possibly going on here, the better she will be able to make up her own mind about the dynamics of this relationship.

 

I realise you didn't say ALL white men, Professor X - I'm sorry if it came across that way - I just felt that, because the OP appears to be so naive, it should be explicitly stated.

 

Thank you. I did catch it though.

 

I should take advice from you because you sound very wise and experienced. I know it must be frustrating for some to see me still wanting to go through this despite seeing all the red flags, being told about the red flags, and reminded.

 

But I don't feel quite satisfied until I try some more to see if we can work things out. If we once had such a beautiful relationship together, why can't we now?

[ladyabstrused]

Again, if you loved him but he would beat you, would you still hide behind the statement of love? Be honest.

 

You know, I probably would. Not hide? But actually still put up with it because I loved him. But if it gets to a point where I can't take it? Maybe the love will turn to resentment. I don't know. Don't wish to go through something like that really.

 

How certain are you of his past? Shown you pictures? And also, how can they suck everything out of him until he got broke, was he married?

 

Yes, I've seen pictures etc. Well he was a very giving person. He showered the women with what they wanted. I guess because he thought he loved them or cared for them? He wasn't married, almost did though...and the girl cheated on him, sold the ring he got her and just disappeared.

 

I don't know why you keep speaking of therapy, how can you hope to accomplish anything via therapy if he's on the other side of the globe? You need each other, together, physically to maybe make something happen.

 

Yes, we need to be in physical for changes to take place and for the relationship to bloom. We are indeed stuck. For way too long in the same spot.

 

And how do I know? Well, IMO, you're RS is just wrong on so many levels. Mostly because of the balance of power in it - greatly tilted in his favor due to you being so naive.

 

Why do so many people keep saying I'm so naive? I don't easily trust people and don't give in that easily. I am not the same person to anyone else as I am with my boyfriend because I trust him and I know I can trust him. What is it about me that is saying I'm so naive?

 

That's the thing, you miss out on a LOT, and you don't know it because you are closed in your own little fantasy world. The world has so much to offer to such a young woman as yourself. You might feel now content, but like everyone who grows up, you will want to explore, sooner or later, but in your case probably later cause you're currently "hibernating" - stuck in the same place you were 4.5 years ago.

 

True. Sad, but true.

 

I didn't ask what you'd do, I'd ask how you feel. And no, you don't know if they work out well. You don't seem to work out well yourself, and moreover, you don't know if you WILL(future tense) work out well.

 

I would feel worried and cautious.

 

Do you honestly think it's normal for a man 40yo to have a RS with a girl your age? Moreover, do you think it's normal that he went after you when u were 18yo as 35yo? (and I hope that was your age at the time).

 

What is normal and what isn't? So many things are so messed up these days nothing is ever normal as things were normal before.

 

There could always be true love, I won't deny it, but you and him? I don't think it is.

I think your RS is made out of lust, combined with desperation and a lot of fantasy.

 

I will keep this in mind and analyse it.

[ladyabstrused]

That's the whole issue. You've known all this time this fantasy man. You don't know the real man, impossible. How can you? And as for if it counts, well, yes and no. It counts in the sense that you love something, but it doesn't count cause your love is aimed to a person who is basically a creation of your imagination (for the most part).

 

My love is aimed to a person who is a creation of my imagination? But I didn't imagine him. I learned about his personality first. I didn't jump into this relationship just like that. It took awhile for me to open up to him in the beginning before we got into this relationship. I needed to learn about him first.....and those things I've learned and observed were not created by my imagination.

[ladyabstrused]

A pros and cons list is very difficult to make. It took some courage to really help me make up my mind.

 

I still have not started on the list yet. :\

 

I didn't find out that half my friends hated him until we were broken up. I probably would have ended it sooner if I had friends who really voiced how they felt

 

Are you still with this same boyfriend though? If you don't mind me asking. What didn't they like about him? Did you agree with them?

 

Haha I feel like you're a considerate girlfriend, though. You seem to really care about this guy and you want to do the best you can by being a great girlfriend. I would tell him that you're really trying, and that even though it's difficult to see that since you guys are not face-to-face, but he can trust you on it.

 

Hey thanks. That's really nice of you. I do care about him. Just sometimes I don't show it too well that he doesn't realise that I do.

 

The hardest part is taking a step back and looking at your relationship with him as a whole. Looking at the negatives and positives, and figuring out if there are more negative than positive, or visa versa. With him being much older than you, he could be taking advantage of that.

 

I don't think he would have the heart to take advantage of me. He has a kind heart. You know just cos we argue a lot doesn't mean he's mean or a bad person, right?

 

I mean you both have held on for such a long time considering you only saw him once for two weeks over a time span of 4.5 years. You just need to decide if this relationship is worth it, and if you truly want him in your life knowing how things have been. I wish you the best in the world with whatever decision you make because ultimately you have to make the decision in the end, but at least you're wanting feedback to gain another perspective about it.

 

I used to think this relationship is worth it. I don't know what's wrong with me now where I can't seem to decide anything or know what to do or feel with regard to this relationship. Am I going through a phase? If so, what is this all about? Why are my feelings different from before? When I was so sure of things but now....I'm not? Yet I feel like it's all set, I'm ready and I feel like this is the right man to be with.

 

Thank you Mystical. You're very kind. I will still continue in my path to search for other perspectives and try to learn some things that I am not aware of. Thank you for your advice and suggestions.

[blugirl]

Sorry for replying only now, Im busy lately ><

 

Hmm. But at times he says I'm the one manipulating him.

Well, that's typical behaviour of people who want to 'shift the blame' of what they are doing onto another person, accusing them of it. But it may not necessarily be the case here, maybe he really feels manipulated by you at times. Just be aware of it.

 

Really? What happened, if you don't mind me asking? So you walked out of the relationship? Was it a LDR?

No, it was a regular local rlship. I was just blamed for everything wrong happening in the rlship. Everything was always my fault, according to him, but it wasnt true at all. My personality traits were 'wrong' according to him - bull****, everyone is different and you just cant turn an extrovert to an introvert, for example. But only now I see it. We just didnt match and he wanted me to behave according to his ideal of a perfect gf (sick, I know).

 

You know, he always tells me about how it's a white man's fantasy to have an an Asian woman or girlfriend. I never really took him seriously cos I thought he was just playing around. So you're saying that any white man who is with an asian girl is just based on that? What if there is some true love to it really?

No no no, don't generalise Of course not every white man's, just some of them. But it happens so you have to be careful.

 

You know, I'm a white girl in an LDR with an Asian guy and we had to clear up that 'oriental fantasy' issue among us as well cause I wanted to make sure I'm not his 'white girl fantasy' and he wanted to know if he's mine or do I love him for his personality, not for who he is. So it's up to you to clear that issue in your rlship as well.

 

Good luck

[Professor X]

You know, I probably would. Not hide? But actually still put up with it because I loved him. But if it gets to a point where I can't take it? Maybe the love will turn to resentment. I don't know. Don't wish to go through something like that really.

Maybe. Mostly it doesn't. Go read other the abuse section of this forum, it rarely transforms into resentment or hate. The idea was that love doesn't justify everything.

 

Yes, I've seen pictures etc

Pic of what? Them together?

 

Why do so many people keep saying I'm so naive? I don't easily trust people and don't give in that easily. I am not the same person to anyone else as I am with my boyfriend because I trust him and I know I can trust him. What is it about me that is saying I'm so naive?

Has nothing to do with trust. Let me write you the definition of naive:

*Showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment".

*Natural and unaffected; innocent.

 

I would feel worried and cautious.

Enough said.

 

 

What is normal and what isn't? So many things are so messed up these days nothing is ever normal as things were normal before.

Wishy washy answer, but from the answer you gave above, that you'd be worried and cautious, we know that you do know it's not normal.

At any rate, the correct answer would be that it's not normal, not cause of the age gap, but cause of the age it was done. If you were 40 and he was 57 and he'd hit on you, that'd be fine. but 18 and 35? What if you were younger (you never said) 16 and 33? 13 and 30? See how it gets worse and worse?

Edited May 9, 2012 by Professor X

[ladyabstrused]

Sorry for replying only now, Im busy lately ><

 

Well, that's typical behaviour of people who want to 'shift the blame' of what they are doing onto another person, accusing them of it. But it may not necessarily be the case here, maybe he really feels manipulated by you at times. Just be aware of it.

 

It's okay, I understand. I'm quite busy myself too at times.

 

I think he really does feel manipulated by me. I don't mean to be that way towards him though. :\

 

No, it was a regular local rlship. I was just blamed for everything wrong happening in the rlship. Everything was always my fault, according to him, but it wasnt true at all. My personality traits were 'wrong' according to him - bull****, everyone is different and you just cant turn an extrovert to an introvert, for example. But only now I see it. We just didnt match and he wanted me to behave according to his ideal of a perfect gf (sick, I know).

 

We went through this too!! And we did discuss and talk about it. You said the exact words he said. That he had wanted me to behave according to his idea of the type of woman he wants. For awhile I've thought that my personality was wrong too..and you're right, you can't just turn someone one way to another opposite way.

 

You know, I'm a white girl in an LDR with an Asian guy and we had to clear up that 'oriental fantasy' issue among us as well cause I wanted to make sure I'm not his 'white girl fantasy' and he wanted to know if he's mine or do I love him for his personality, not for who he is. So it's up to you to clear that issue in your rlship as well.

 

Good luck

 

Aww...reading the above quote made me smile. It just sounded sweet how the both of you have worked things out. Best of luck in yours, thank you.

[ladyabstrused]

Pic of what? Them together?

 

Yes, pictures from his past...he showed me these when I was there.

 

Has nothing to do with trust. Let me write you the definition of naive:

*Showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment".

*Natural and unaffected; innocent.

 

Thank you for the definition. I won't argue with this point because yep I'm young. The experience I went through may not have been all rosy and lovey dovey or based on relationships. But it taught me enough to be more careful in life. Butttt...you may not agree.

 

Wishy washy answer, but from the answer you gave above, that you'd be worried and cautious, we know that you do know it's not normal.

At any rate, the correct answer would be that it's not normal, not cause of the age gap, but cause of the age it was done. If you were 40 and he was 57 and he'd hit on you, that'd be fine. but 18 and 35? What if you were younger (you never said) 16 and 33? 13 and 30? See how it gets worse and worse?

 

I understand. Yes I probably did think that it was crazy to be in a relationship with a 35 year old man when I was 18.

 

Then I started to know him better and well? It didn't feel like that anymore. Don't know how to make sense out of it.

 

What would you have done, if you met a much younger woman and you are really interested in her?

[Professor X]

What would you have done, if you met a much younger woman and you are really interested in her?

Nothing, I can't see myself being interesting by someone so young - what on earth can we have in common? She knows nothing about anything. I'm just 27, but I can tell you that I see nothing in common with girls at the age of 18 (which is still nowhere near the age gap you got).

 

In fact, the daughter of my parent's friends has a crush on me. She's 17, I haven't seen her much, and I never spoke to her until 1 time... And that time I was just showing her around the area (with her little brother - as I was requested to). We chatted for maybe 10 minutes and it felt like she just swallowed everything I said. It was so EASY to manipulate her. I saw the look in her eyes, it wouldn't matter what I'd say, she'd accept it, because I had this authorization over her.

 

It has been like a year since and I know that she still has a crush on me, still asks about me etc.

 

You say you got experience, but not in RS, not with other men. You said you avoid them when you were young, which, with all due respect, is silly, cause you've met kids 16-17 yo, who know nothing. Men your age now are way more mature.

 

You go ahead and waste your life, it is yours to do as you wish. You will never be as young as you are now, so it's a shame to see you wasting it.

[blugirl]

 

We went through this too!! And we did discuss and talk about it. You said the exact words he said. That he had wanted me to behave according to his idea of the type of woman he wants. For awhile I've thought that my personality was wrong too..and you're right, you can't just turn someone one way to another opposite way.

Your words are a red flag to me.... I just want to say, that's just wrong. There's no good or bad personality type! You are who you are and you are wonderful just as you are. Dont ever change for anyone, change only if YOU think you need it. Your partner should love you for your personality and should accept you as you are - if it's not the case, I'm afraid it might not be love. When I heard that line from my ex, the first thing I thought was, 'so you dont love me but some idea of a perfect gf, projected onto me?' - and that hurts. And maybe you should move on if that's the case and find someone who will really appreciate you and treat you like a princess (that's how I feel right now in my LDR ).

And remember, you are awesome as you are.

 

Aww...reading the above quote made me smile. It just sounded sweet how the both of you have worked things out. Best of luck in yours, thank you.

Thanks ^^ Best of luck to you, too!

[ladyabstrused]

Nothing, I can't see myself being interesting by someone so young - what on earth can we have in common? She knows nothing about anything. I'm just 27, but I can tell you that I see nothing in common with girls at the age of 18 (which is still nowhere near the age gap you got).

 

In fact, the daughter of my parent's friends has a crush on me. She's 17, I haven't seen her much, and I never spoke to her until 1 time... And that time I was just showing her around the area (with her little brother - as I was requested to). We chatted for maybe 10 minutes and it felt like she just swallowed everything I said. It was so EASY to manipulate her. I saw the look in her eyes, it wouldn't matter what I'd say, she'd accept it, because I had this authorization over her.

 

It has been like a year since and I know that she still has a crush on me, still asks about me etc.

 

You say you got experience, but not in RS, not with other men. You said you avoid them when you were young, which, with all due respect, is silly, cause you've met kids 16-17 yo, who know nothing. Men your age now are way more mature.

 

You go ahead and waste your life, it is yours to do as you wish. You will never be as young as you are now, so it's a shame to see you wasting it.

 

I know you mean well, Professor X. Thank you so much really. I'm sorry if it's frustrating to see me waste my life, as you said in your post.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I want so much for this to work because I genuinely care for this guy. I spend every night just crying and I don't know what to do. He has put in so much into this relationship for me and I don't even put out just as much the amount of effort as he did. Does it not seem like I'm betraying him?

 

It hurts when I want something or someone so much but it's not happening. :'(

[ladyabstrused]

Your words are a red flag to me.... I just want to say, that's just wrong. There's no good or bad personality type! You are who you are and you are wonderful just as you are. Dont ever change for anyone, change only if YOU think you need it. Your partner should love you for your personality and should accept you as you are - if it's not the case, I'm afraid it might not be love. When I heard that line from my ex, the first thing I thought was, 'so you dont love me but some idea of a perfect gf, projected onto me?' - and that hurts. And maybe you should move on if that's the case and find someone who will really appreciate you and treat you like a princess (that's how I feel right now in my LDR ).

And remember, you are awesome as you are.

 

 

Thanks ^^ Best of luck to you, too!

 

Thank you blugirl, we managed to establish it how you said it in your last post. He apologised for being that way and he's trying to accept me the way I am. But...it doesn't seem right. Just spoke to him..and it's just not right. I can't let go though.

[Professor X]

I know you mean well, Professor X. Thank you so much really. I'm sorry if it's frustrating to see me waste my life, as you said in your post.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I want so much for this to work because I genuinely care for this guy. I spend every night just crying and I don't know what to do. He has put in so much into this relationship for me and I don't even put out just as much the amount of effort as he did. Does it not seem like I'm betraying him?:'(

A RS isn't a debt. If he puts 3 years into it, it does not mean you have to give 3 years in return, or invest the next 3 years of it. In a RS you give because you want, and expect NOTHING in return. So if it's considered betraying? Of course not! that'd be silly.

 

I'm curious, what exactly did he put in the RS? Or you?

 

It hurts when I want something or someone so much but it's not happening. :'(

 

I feel your pain, I've been there. But that's exactly how you grow up and get shaped.

[TMichaels]

He has put in so much into this relationship for me and I don't even put out just as much the amount of effort as he did.

 

Says who? In his view or yours?

 

He apologised for being that way and he's trying to accept me the way I am.

 

You are who you are. Either that's good enough for him or it's not.

 

I'm sorry lady, but this guy has no business trying to make you think there's something lacking or wrong with you so he can guilt you into acting or thinking the way *he* wants.

 

Other posters have said over and over in this thread that there's a power game being played here and they're right.

 

You're not an idiot, but he has a lot more life experience than you do just by virtue of the fact he's twice your age. He knows what he wants while you're just starting to explore what you want in life. He's playing on your inexperience with the goal of things going *his* way by planting the seeds of insecurity and doubt and placing blame at your feet.

 

Why in heck do you want to put up with that? You seem like an intelligent and level-headed young lady. Just from your writing alone, you come across as an attractive person.

 

Why aren't you seeking a relationship with someone who truly is "available" on all levels and wants to be with you because of who you are as opposed to what you could be if only you'd think and act the right way?

 

If you do end up with this guy and you marry, I predict after a few years when *you do* get some life experience under your belt, the dynamics between you will markedly change. When you finally do realize your worth, you won't be happy or be willing to settle for having your every thought and action controlled or dictated by your partner and you will leave him.

 

If you don't believe me, spend some time in the divorce/cheating/break-up/coping sections of this forum and read what others who had the same age gap and relationship control issues going on that you are experiencing right now.

 

The fact you are questioning the relationship is a good thing and you shouldn't feel guilty or remorseful that you are -- it's all part of growing up. Listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

How long ago did you last see him -- the only time you met?

[blugirl]

Thank you blugirl, we managed to establish it how you said it in your last post. He apologised for being that way and he's trying to accept me the way I am. But...it doesn't seem right. Just spoke to him..and it's just not right. I can't let go though.

I know how you feel. I realised after 1 year that we're not a match but somehow stuck to him for another 3.... until I realised I dont feel anything towards him anymore and I dont see my future with him. That was a deal braker.