LDRs Can Be So Difficult :(

[ladyabstrused]

A RS isn't a debt. If he puts 3 years into it, it does not mean you have to give 3 years in return, or invest the next 3 years of it. In a RS you give because you want, and expect NOTHING in return. So if it's considered betraying? Of course not! that'd be silly.

 

Well that's what I thought, but then if he's always the one providing the support etc. how can I only keep receiving & not feel indebted? I thought I was giving back but I didn't do enough to show him anything? In fact, a lot of times I feel like I'm not supportive enough. Sometimes I underestimate the support he needs or I don't think about his feelings. Doesn't that then lead to selfishness too? I'm the receiving end but I don't provide enough.

 

I'm curious, what exactly did he put in the RS? Or you?

He gives me the love and support that I need. It can get a little tedious cos I'm quite an emotional person to deal with. I'm not saying that I'm emo all the time. I'm just quite sensitive at times. Doesn't help that he is too. :/

 

He cares about me as a person, of my well-being, gives me good advice that have improved my life. He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to about my father's passing. No one dared speak about my loss to me, I'm not too sure why really.

 

As for me, I do feel that I've tried to give my best in supporting him & well I guess he expects a lot from me which I had a hard time achieving. Sometimes I think his expectations are at a very basic level but I still don't seem to be able to achieve it.

 

I feel your pain, I've been there. But that's exactly how you grow up and get shaped.

 

Yeah. I don't feel like it's time. I'm not entirely sure that I want to give up yet. But then at times, I just don't know what I'm feeling at all.

[ladyabstrused]

Says who? In his view or yours?

 

This is in my view. I think he may feel the same way too? There was once when we were arguing, he said, he's tired of always to be the one doing things, fixing things, making our communication work etc.

 

Then I asked him if it's so difficult to be with me, why is he still wanting to be with me? He said cos he loves me.

 

Why in heck do you want to put up with that?

 

Because I love him.

 

Why aren't you seeking a relationship with someone who truly is "available" on all levels and wants to be with you because of who you are as opposed to what you could be if only you'd think and act the right way?

 

I haven't looked because I'm faithful to him. I never had the desire because my desire was only to have him. Before our relationship, I was just always cautious of being too involved with someone and then only to be hurt because the guys I met were yes around my age and were still mostly immature. The guys slightly older were way too serious, you know jumping straight into marriage and all. I couldn't find anyone I could feel at ease with.

 

If you do end up with this guy and you marry, I predict after a few years when *you do* get some life experience under your belt, the dynamics between you will markedly change. When you finally do realize your worth, you won't be happy or be willing to settle for having your every thought and action controlled or dictated by your partner and you will leave him.

 

I don't wish to go through that and regret. I always tell myself that in whatever things I do, I shall not regret because everything happens for a reason. Right?

 

Right now, I don't know if the future is set between us. We're at a shaky ground now and if I were to say that yes the plans are still set despite these issues, I would just be fooling myself. But it doesn't mean that I don't want the plans we made.

 

If you don't believe me, spend some time in the divorce/cheating/break-up/coping sections of this forum and read what others who had the same age gap and relationship control issues going on that you are experiencing right now.

 

Thank you, I will do that on my free time. Perhaps I could learn more from those forums.

 

The fact you are questioning the relationship is a good thing and you shouldn't feel guilty or remorseful that you are -- it's all part of growing up. Listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong.

 

Thank you TMichaels. My gut is sitting on the fence. What does it mean when it's like that?

[ladyabstrused]

How long ago did you last see him -- the only time you met?

 

Last saw him about a year ago or so.

[ladyabstrused]

I know how you feel. I realised after 1 year that we're not a match but somehow stuck to him for another 3.... until I realised I dont feel anything towards him anymore and I dont see my future with him. That was a deal braker.

 

Wow..that's quite a long time too there. So you were with him for 4 years and then you quit? Was it you who called it quits? How did he react? Did you feel anything after that? Did you feel happier?

[Professor X]

He gives me the love and support that I need. It can get a little tedious cos I'm quite an emotional person to deal with. I'm not saying that I'm emo all the time. I'm just quite sensitive at times. Doesn't help that he is too. :/

 

He cares about me as a person, of my well-being, gives me good advice that have improved my life. He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to about my father's passing. No one dared speak about my loss to me, I'm not too sure why really.

So essentially, nothing special (sorry, but that you can get in ANY RS, with guys your age).

 

Well that's what I thought, but then if he's always the one providing the support etc. how can I only keep receiving & not feel indebted? I thought I was giving back but I didn't do enough to show him anything? In fact, a lot of times I feel like I'm not supportive enough. Sometimes I underestimate the support he needs or I don't think about his feelings. Doesn't that then lead to selfishness too? I'm the receiving end but I don't provide enough.

 

As for me, I do feel that I've tried to give my best in supporting him & well I guess he expects a lot from me which I had a hard time achieving. Sometimes I think his expectations are at a very basic level but I still don't seem to be able to achieve it.

Of course you can't match him. That's the whole point in your age difference. Do you live on your own? Know anything about mortgage? Tax? Full time job? Debt? Rent? Buying and making yourself food? Cleaning your whole place? Taking care of the elderly? I'm sorry, but you can't match his experience in life, so there's no way, no matter how hard you try, for you to be able to offer ANY kind of support.

Sad part is, you will never be able to either, cause as long as you're with him, you're not growing as a person, you're stuck there content with the life in front the PC, with the life in that small bubble you created.

 

So does that make you selfish? No, just makes you a person who can't offer someone who's much older than you any help (and btw, that's one of the big kahunas in the power balance between you).

 

Yeah. I don't feel like it's time. I'm not entirely sure that I want to give up yet. But then at times, I just don't know what I'm feeling at all.

You came for for a reason, and the reason was not for us to help you mend the RS, but because you started to doubt it. And rightfully so.

Your guts tell you to walk away, your heart tells you to stay. Most, if not all people will tell you to listen to your guts.

 

Did u go through other sections of this forum? See how RS work? How imbalance between partners only leads to misery?

Edited May 10, 2012 by Professor X

[blugirl]

Wow..that's quite a long time too there. So you were with him for 4 years and then you quit? Was it you who called it quits? How did he react? Did you feel anything after that? Did you feel happier?

Yeah, after the first year I've decided to break it off but he cried that he doesnt want to part ways (and I, being inexperienced, felt bad about it so I decided to give us 'one more chance' - bad move...today I would be firm and wouldnt change my mind if such situation happened again) - after 4 years, there was one evening when we were discussing our studies and he asked me if I would move with him to another city for his studies - and, unexpectedly I yelled 'NO!' before I even thought what am I doing, he was shocked.. I read it as my 'subconscious shout from within' and realised the vision of the future with him makes me depressed, it's not what I wanted and it's time to move on.

So when I finally broke it off, he was still protesting but I was firm this time.

And yes, I felt happy again - like I wasnt for a long time. I felt relieved soooooo much and free again, it was a great great feeling, as if someone took a heavy burden off my chest.

Coincidentally, I was already talking to my current BF online already but back then he was only a friend to me.... but from the moment we saw each other on FB, it slowly started to get intense..... until a few months later we admitted our feelings and turned 'official' and 'exclusive' =P.

Edited May 10, 2012 by blugirl

[ladyabstrused]

Sad part is, you will never be able to either, cause as long as you're with him, you're not growing as a person

 

He once did tell me this too.

 

Your guts tell you to walk away, your heart tells you to stay. Most, if not all people will tell you to listen to your guts.

 

Is this what the "on the fence" feeling means? Gut says one thing yet heart says another?

 

Did u go through other sections of this forum? See how RS work? How imbalance between partners only leads to misery?

 

A little here and there..but I plan to browse through more when I have more time. I know it will lead to misery. Because right now I'm not happy in my relationship. Neither is my boyfriend. But why is he fighting so hard now to get things to work? Why? Whenever I ask him, he says it's cos he loves me. But I don't make him happy...so why? Besides the fact of wasting 4.5 years of his life...what else is making it so hard for him to let go?

[ladyabstrused]

Yeah, after the first year I've decided to break it off but he cried that he doesnt want to part ways (and I, being inexperienced, felt bad about it so I decided to give us 'one more chance' - bad move...today I would be firm and wouldnt change my mind if such situation happened again) - after 4 years, there was one evening when we were discussing our studies and he asked me if I would move with him to another city for his studies - and, unexpectedly I yelled 'NO!' before I even thought what am I doing, he was shocked.. I read it as my 'subconscious shout from within' and realised the vision of the future with him makes me depressed, it's not what I wanted and it's time to move on.

So when I finally broke it off, he was still protesting but I was firm this time.

And yes, I felt happy again - like I wasnt for a long time. I felt relieved soooooo much and free again, it was a great great feeling, as if someone took a heavy burden off my chest.

Coincidentally, I was already talking to my current BF online already but back then he was only a friend to me.... but from the moment we saw each other on FB, it slowly started to get intense..... until a few months later we admitted our feelings and turned 'official' and 'exclusive' =P.

 

Wow...I wonder if my story is just as similar as yours.

 

It's so nice to hear of people happy with their SO. It's nice to hear about yours. I'm glad you are in a happy relationship now.

[Professor X]

Is this what the "on the fence" feeling means? Gut says one thing yet heart says another?

Yes

 

A little here and there..but I plan to browse through more when I have more time. I know it will lead to misery. Because right now I'm not happy in my relationship. Neither is my boyfriend. But why is he fighting so hard now to get things to work? Why? Whenever I ask him, he says it's cos he loves me. But I don't make him happy...so why? Besides the fact of wasting 4.5 years of his life...what else is making it so hard for him to let go?

There could be a lot of reasons. I won't list some of them cause it won't make you happy, but a big reason is that it's hard for people to let go of something they got used to. Especially the older you grow (as you know the saying: "can't teach an old dog new tricks"). A lot of people confuse love with the sense of "got used to". I am sure Blugirl, from what she wrote, at the end of it (years 3-4) did not love him, or did not feel the love so much, rather, she'd spend time with him cause that's what she did and it's hard to let go or stop such a habbit all of a sudden.

 

Addiction, I think, would be a strong and good term to use. People do it, fight to keep doing it, despite that some of them live oblivious to how bad it is for them.

 

Again, there are so many, I don't wanna burden you more with what it could be.

[shorty7]

I haven't looked because I'm faithful to him. I never had the desire because my desire was only to have him. Before our relationship, I was just always cautious of being too involved with someone and then only to be hurt because the guys I met were yes around my age and were still mostly immature. The guys slightly older were way too serious, you know jumping straight into marriage and all. I couldn't find anyone I could feel at ease with.

 

Okay, this is a weird analogy, but I'm going to go with it. To make things simple, let's go with cake. Let's say you're a devoted chocolate cake fan. You've had this one chocolate cake from this one bakery since you've discovered that you liked it. It's the first and only chocolate cake you've tried and you're determined it's the best you'll ever have. You've tried cheesecake and tiramisu before, not really your thing. You like, no, you LOVE, chocolate cake, period. And this specific chocolate cake from this one bakery is the only one you've eaten for years.

 

Now, there's other cakes out there. Carrot cake, Franboise souffle, Angel Cake, Chiffon Cake, Double mocha lava, Paradise, Doubache, Fruit Cake, etc. etc. etc. You may have even heard of such, but didn't really think to even look at them because you're absolutely determined the only special happiness you will derive from that experience is because of that one chocolate cake from that one bakery.

 

But how do you really know "cake" in a nutshell and appreciate that one chocolate cake if you haven't really tried some other cake? Are you afraid that you'll fall in love with a certain Tres Leche Cake that you'll be betraying your favorite chocolate cake? Certainly, you understand that knowing what makes that chocolate cake special for you is what defines your love for that cake. And that knowing what quality makes other cakes unique can only help you understand what might be lacking in your experience with it?

 

For example, my aunt makes an English trifle is lady fingers dipped in a mix of brandy and coffee, layered with multiple coatings of custard, whipped cream, jam, more booze & caffeine soaked lady fingers, and drizzled with creme caramel on top.(At least, my aunt always made it that way). Now, any other place that makes it might just substitute the lady fingers with sponge cake and skip the brandy all together. The reason why I know I like my aunt's is because she uses specific ingredients to make hers special. And the experience I get out of that is unique to her recipe. I have it for SUPER fancy special occasions on the rare occasions I can get together with my family, which is also once in a blue moon (averaging once every 7 years so far).

 

But that isn't to say that I like my aunt's trifle over my mom's cheesecake, which is a really simple cake in comparison? (batter of 3 eggs, 1 cup of sugar, 11 oz of Philadelphia Cream Cheese, mixed and baked for 30 minutes, and then baked again with a top layer of 8oz of sour cream with a tablespoon of sugar and 1 drop of vanilla essence whipped together, for another 10 minutes and chilled to serve) Of course not. In fact, this is my personal favorite dessert, and I enjoy baking this myself. Sometimes, that simplicity is what brings me home. It's that comfort of knowing it's a straight forward dessert that I can be myself when I'm eating it. I don't have to be dressed up to enjoy it, I'm free to choose whether I want wine, coffee, tea, or juice to accompany it. It's that ease of being frank with it, and the total lack of pretentiousness of this home recipe that I know I can live with for years.

 

To me, the English Trifle is someone like a celebrity. He's lavish, he's handsome, he's rich, he's gorgeous, but certainly not someone I can be with. By the third day having the same dessert, I'd likely be sick of it. The Cheesecake on the other hand, is someone I can live with and grow old with. He's simple, he's humble, unpretentious, lets me be myself, accepts my palette for what it is, I don't care if it comes out a little lumpy, the inside tastes just as good, and I can have it everyday and not get tired of it. If it gets a little monotonous, he's open to adding a little zest once in a while.

 

 

Anyways, back to your chocolate cake. So you've only come across this chocolate cake at a specific bakery. What if, all of the sudden, you had to move? Are you going to have the bakery ship it to you if you couldn't have their chocolate cake at all? Are you not going to even give chocolate cake in the local area a try because you want to stay faithful to it? Does liking another different type of cake for the unique quality of their taste lessen your love for that chocolate cake? Of course not.

 

The reason why we keep urging you to OPEN your eyes to other dating options in your area is because we see you doing exactly this. You haven't even tried Carrot Cake, let alone know its existence, and you're pushing it aside simply because you hate Carrots and are just appaled by the thought of eating a cake that has your most loathed vegetable as a key ingredient! And you've never even SEEN one in reality! (okay, this analogy is totally bogus, but my friend says it's common that elementary kids in Japan don't like carrots and they react in disgust when she says she loves "carrot cake" (she's an ELT teacher from Alabama), so that's why I bring it up as an example).

 

We're not saying, go cheat on your boyfriend. We can't tell you what to do; no one can. You're an adult. It's just that we want you to find your happiness and you're simply not considering all the options available to you. What I would do is maybe connect back with some old school friends from high school and college. Not to hook up or anything, but just catch up. I'm sure some of them are in dedicated relationships and some on the path to marriage. Observing healthy (or even unhealthy) relationships that hit close to home might help you gain some perspective on your relationship.

 

Good luck. I apologize for the wall; no need to respond to individual paragraphs or questions (as a matter of fact, it would weird me out if you responded with a retort to a cake analogy, so please don't).

[Professor X]

Nothing short from brilliant shorty7. I wanna taste your cake.

[shorty7]

Thanks!

 

I know it's a little weird to analyze relationships to food but it was all I can think of at the moment. It's what I get for posting during my lunch hour!

[ladyabstrused]

Thanks Professor X and shorty7. You guys have helped me so much in understanding my dilemmas and confusion. So have the other posters in this thread too, thank you all for your words of advice and comments.

 

shorty7, you wrote such an amazing analogy. I totally understand what you're trying to get at..and no don't worry lol I wasn't going to reply paragraph by paragraph to that.

 

I know you're all correct, at some point in time, if the situation remains this way and nothing miraculous happens, I won't end up being happy. I've read some of the other forums. Not many in a similar situation last.

 

Actually, I realise that I've given up hope few weeks back when I just stopped my efforts in contacting him and all that. But then he came reaching out to me. I was actually at peace with my life, my days felt lighter and it was a lot more fun.

 

My LDR isn't a normal LDR. It's a dysfunctional one in which I refused to acknowledge wholeheartedly, for I care very much for my SO and kept being blinded. I realise that the both of us are not entirely compatible and we're just fighting against the storm here.

 

We used to have such strong plans and were actually working towards those plans. Somewhere along the way, something happened.

 

It's not a healthy relationship when every conversation I have with him now ends up tearful, hurtful and stress. That's now how I've always imagined love to be...but I started believing that love hurts a long time ago when this is all that I see among couples. I'm sure there are a lot of couples out there who have an amazing life together.

 

Honestly speaking, I'm thinking it's really a waste of money to try to work things out in therapy. If I was an outsider and I looked at myself with this guy, I'd say, just quit wasting time and money and just stop for the sake of the both of us.

 

I don't know how to list all his other special qualities. But I have a feeling that I won't ever find a guy like him or even close. He's special in my heart, yet he's so incompatible. We can't always have what we want in life...and that's the truth of it.

 

Yes, there are still many guys out there and yes I'm still young. Perhaps him and me can remain friends (if that's even possible as I hear a lot of couples can't remain friends after they end their relationship).

 

I don't know how to love more than a person intimately. Maybe I'll learn? I feel that in life, I can only love one person truthfully. I honestly do feel like this. Don't know if I can feel for another guy the same way..but who's to say what the future holds.

 

It's been a little heartbreaking coming to terms with these realisations. But I have to have faith, right? That's what I always say to others when they're feeling hopeless.

[Professor X]

My LDR isn't a normal LDR. It's a dysfunctional one in which I refused to acknowledge wholeheartedly, for I care very much for my SO and kept being blinded. I realise that the both of us are not entirely compatible and we're just fighting against the storm here.

I'm glad you realized that. I just wanna tell you that a lot of couples think that if they will over come all of those issues they will get stronger, but that is not true. Many make the mistake and confuse between problems between the the 2 people of the RS and problems that are external to them.

For instance: Inability to communicate = issue between the 2 people; The parents of the 2 people in the RS wanting to pull them apart = issue outside of the couple. The former will only cause pain and heartache, and latter will let you, if you pass, become stronger as a couple. You, as you might have guessed, are the former.

 

I don't know how to list all his other special qualities. But I have a feeling that I won't ever find a guy like him or even close. He's special in my heart, yet he's so incompatible. We can't always have what we want in life...and that's the truth of it.

Don't. Just don't. I can assure you now, that you will not find a guy like him. Every person is unique and as such, is not someone you can replace. Your new quest, should you choose to take it, will be to find a new person (or as shorty7 said: "a new cake"). I did that same mistake you did. I used to be in love with a girl for over a year (the course of our RS), very in love. And when we broke up (we had to - we didn't argue, or had any miscommunication issues or anything like that), I'd see her everywhere. She had long black smooth hair, and when I'd see someone with such a hair, I'd instantly think of her. When I dated other women back then, I'd look for her in them.

It was such a mistake, such a waste of time. Took me 2 years to get over her, 2 years to realize I can't replace her with anyone else and that I shouldn't. She is who she is and the other women are just them, different.

You won't find a person like him again, I can tell you this now, but you will find many others out there, some better, some worse. But you will need heal up before you are able to see them in subjective eyes.

 

Yes, there are still many guys out there and yes I'm still young. Perhaps him and me can remain friends (if that's even possible as I hear a lot of couples can't remain friends after they end their relationship).

Bad idea. Those stuff should become your past and remain as such. If you keep in contact with him, you will just keep your love to him a live on some degree. It's like a heroin user who'll keep in touch with his drug dealer - especially bad when the drug dealer wanna keep selling him.

 

I don't know how to love more than a person intimately. Maybe I'll learn? I feel that in life, I can only love one person truthfully. I honestly do feel like this. Don't know if I can feel for another guy the same way..but who's to say what the future holds.

You can't feel for another guy the same way, but you will feel it in a different way, as I mentioned above. Each is unique and as such, each gets to have a different feeling to love. Some will ever feel more powerful to you than what you have now (I know that right now you think it's impossible, but it is).

 

It's been a little heartbreaking coming to terms with these realisations. But I have to have faith, right? That's what I always say to others when they're feeling hopeless.

Yes have faith, because the worse is yet to come, I assure you. It's like with addiction really, you will go through the cleansing phase where you feel like it can't get any worse, and the next day it will become worse. Will take you a while before you go back to your normal you again. How long? Depends on you, but you are already coming to terms, so it shouldn't take you that long considering you have been stuck for almost 5 years now.

[ladyabstrused]

Don't. Just don't. I can assure you now, that you will not find a guy like him. Every person is unique and as such, is not someone you can replace. Your new quest, should you choose to take it, will be to find a new person (or as shorty7 said: "a new cake"). I did that same mistake you did. I used to be in love with a girl for over a year (the course of our RS), very in love. And when we broke up (we had to - we didn't argue, or had any miscommunication issues or anything like that), I'd see her everywhere. She had long black smooth hair, and when I'd see someone with such a hair, I'd instantly think of her. When I dated other women back then, I'd look for her in them.

 

This could possibly be my boyfriend's issue too at times. Sometimes he thinks I'm not like any other "normal" American girl.

 

You won't find a person like him again, I can tell you this now, but you will find many others out there, some better, some worse. But you will need heal up before you are able to see them in subjective eyes.

 

You're right really. I didn't see it this way. But yes you're right...everyone is unique in their own way..every one is special in their own way.

 

You can't feel for another guy the same way, but you will feel it in a different way, as I mentioned above. Each is unique and as such, each gets to have a different feeling to love. Some will ever feel more powerful to you than what you have now (I know that right now you think it's impossible, but it is).

 

Well I'll trust you on this since you're definitely more experienced than I am.

 

Will take you a while before you go back to your normal you again. How long? Depends on you, but you are already coming to terms, so it shouldn't take you that long considering you have been stuck for almost 5 years now.

 

5 years is a really long time. Can't believe how fast time flew.

 

I'll try to open up my mind now. Me and him will have to have to talk things out to come to a decision. Who knows what will come out of that. Just dreading it at this point cos I don't want to feel emotionally stressed again.

 

Thanks, Professor X.

[ladyabstrused]

LOL...yes, it's a fetish for a lot of men. The subserviant little sex slave Asian girl. Unfortunately, you're way too young to understand, and way too naive to see how this pervert TWICE YOUR AGE gets off on having you in his life. But you're way too expensive for him, living on the other side of the world. He'll feed the fetish via Skype and email and what-not, but make no mistake - if another gullible Asian girl half his age fell into his lap tomorrow, you'd be history by midnight.

 

For the love of ALL this good and holy, please AIM HIGHER. This guy is a pig.

 

You think he stayed 4.5 years with me all for pleasure? Isn't that too long and too tiring for someone whose girlfriend lives on the other side of the globe?

[ladyabstrused]

its over guys..

[Professor X]

its over guys..

 

Hey, be strong now, ok? Now is the real hard part coming. All the mixed emotions, your heart trying to convince you to go back, your head trying to rationalize that decision.

 

Truth is, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd get back with him, but I assure you that all your doubts that led you here in the first, will come back to you quickly after, stronger than before.

 

Try and keep yourself busy doing whatever (what hobbies do you have?), just stay away from the way you used to communicate as much as you can.

 

Would you mind sharing how that break up conversation went between you two?

[LittleTiger]

its over guys..

 

I'm sorry you are sad ladyabstrused.

 

Relationships are supposed to make you happy and they should be between 'equals' so, in time, you will see that this break-up was actually a good thing.

 

You may need some grieving time but stay strong and get out there and make the most of your life - youth disappears very fast and you have already 'lost' four and half years.

 

You are clearly a bright young woman and you will have lots more opportunities for love in the future.

 

(((Hugs)))

[ladyabstrused]

Hey, be strong now, ok? Now is the real hard part coming. All the mixed emotions, your heart trying to convince you to go back, your head trying to rationalize that decision.

 

Truth is, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd get back with him, but I assure you that all your doubts that led you here in the first, will come back to you quickly after, stronger than before.

 

Try and keep yourself busy doing whatever (what hobbies do you have?), just stay away from the way you used to communicate as much as you can.

 

Would you mind sharing how that break up conversation went between you two?

 

Thank you Professor X.

 

I have hobbies and things I like to do..but my mind is not in one place to even be able to think what I want to do. I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to get myself to do something but I can't seem to. Feel like things have frozen up and I just want to quell the pain with something.

 

We argued again. It was mainly about how the things I do make me a selfish person and that he can't understand all the crazy things I do which told him that I didn't care. I could write about all the details to how we got into an argument but I don't wish to recall the emotional stress I went through. We discussed before how our age gap causes a lot of issues whereby we both don't work on the same level and I can't reach up to his level but he has to tune himself to reach down to my level. He wasn't doing so well dealing with that.

 

After such a long and emotional conversation last night, I wondered to myself, how is it that I find myself in this situation over and over again, when I once said to myself - that's it, I'm not going to let this all affect me emotionally and psychologically and I'm not going to be affected because it's not of any good for me. It must sound selfish but I feel that I have put up with a lot of emotional moments and perhaps I am a very emotional person, but I keep fighting for things to work and I get emotional for reasons. If I don't get emotional, doesn't that mean I don't give a ****? Why can't he just see that.

 

So today did it. We had a misunderstanding, got into a fight AGAIN, and this time I just I couldn't take it I had to switch my emotions off. But he was not dealing so well. Putting all blame on me. Everything was on me. So then I said to him that's it, whatever, this isn't working at all and I'm just sick and tired of all the crappy conversations we have and if he's not dealing well with the fact that I'm way younger and my level of thought processes are way different, then what are we doing? So then that whole thing ended. I think he was expecting me to fix it. But I said...no I'm not going to do that anymore. Whatever happens, happens. I'm just sick and tired and just don't want to go through this emotional stress again as it was too much for me to handle, call me weak or dumb but I'm sorry, there is only so much that I, my own person, can take. Not by anyone else's standards, but by my own.

 

Then I just stopped contact. It feels so difficult though. I can't move. I'm stuck.

 

I'm sorry you are sad ladyabstrused.

 

Relationships are supposed to make you happy and they should be between 'equals' so, in time, you will see that this break-up was actually a good thing.

 

You may need some grieving time but stay strong and get out there and make the most of your life - youth disappears very fast and you have already 'lost' four and half years.

 

You are clearly a bright young woman and you will have lots more opportunities for love in the future.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

Thank you so much LittleTiger. *hugs*

 

Yeah, relationships are suppose to make both people happy. If they're not happy and constantly arguing, something's wrong and why would any one want to keep doing that. We've tried so much, talked a lot to figure things out, but at the end of it, we end up arguing, I become the bad guy because I can't understand his emotions and thoughts and he's the one hurt more because I was selfish and didn't give him what he needed.

 

I need to do something but I can't seem to be able to. I try to work but my mind is off. I try to sleep but I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering what or how he's doing. I care about him very much. I try to talk to other people but my mood's just down.

 

Sighs..

[ladyabstrused]

I was reading about someone who was talking about closure as she had just recently ended her LDR.

 

How can there ever be closure when you're apart. It was all a dream. I only dreamed of things that I wanted to happen but they didn't happen. That sucks. How can there be closure if it never really happened.

 

He won't end it. I don't know why. Why do we have to keep going through so much pain even when we both know that it's so hurtful to keep trying. Why does it have to be on me when it's really not just me. Why does he have to make me seem like the bad person here. I'm just being who I am.

 

This feeling sucks. I'm on LS all day. Feel like a loser really.

[Professor X]

call me weak or dumb but I'm sorry, there is only so much that I, my own person, can take. Not by anyone else's standards, but by my own.

That's not being weak, that's exactly the opposite actually! You are taking care of yourself. Not many people can do that. Granted, it took you a while, but you did it.

You should be proud of what you did, I know many people who are to weak to end a RS, even ones that got a lot worse than yours did (check the abuse section).

Then I just stopped contact. It feels so difficult though. I can't move. I'm stuck.

As I said, now the hard part will come. You took the first step in a new path, a new destiny! It's not only hard, but scary too, I am sure. Just keep reminding yourself that it will be better, that millions of people went through something similar and healed from it.

 

 

I need to do something but I can't seem to be able to. I try to work but my mind is off. I try to sleep but I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering what or how he's doing. I care about him very much. I try to talk to other people but my mood's just down.

 

Sighs..

Don't worry. It's time now that you give time what it needs... Time. Feel sad, cry, be hurt. You should, because you are. Let your emotions out and don't let em build inside of you. It's the only way to heal.

 

You will be fine again, and stronger than before. I promise.

[ladyabstrused]

Thank you for lifting up my spirits, Professor X. I think I would be too cowardly to do what I did and to speak up for myself if I hadn't come here.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of myself right? But in a relationship, wouldn't that then be selfish? I mean in a difficult and emotional relationship, perhaps not cos the other person isn't really taking care of me. I think I'm just totally confused at this point. :\

 

As I read more and more forums here, I realise that there are many others who go through similar things I did. This is scary, Prof. I don't know what's next. There used to be a plan between us. Now that's gone. I'll soon find it right?

[Professor X]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of myself right? But in a relationship, wouldn't that then be selfish?

There is nothing wrong in taking care of the number 1 person in your life. You.

And that is really far off from being selfish, at least, in the way you understand it. We are humans, and thus, we're all selfish to some degree, but when it comes to RS, you need to take care of BOTH you and your partner. It's never a one sided street.

You know how they say that in order to love someone else, you need to learn how to love yourself first? Well, other than the fact that it's true, it also applies to taking care. How can you take care of your partner when you can't take care of yourself? You know? And if you clash with your partner, and you can't compromise, and it's a big deal (like what happened to you), than it's time to end it.

 

As I read more and more forums here, I realise that there are many others who go through similar things I did. This is scary, Prof. I don't know what's next. There used to be a plan between us. Now that's gone. I'll soon find it right?

That's the beauty of it, isn't it? You don't know what's next! Everything could happen! And anyway, if you read the other sections, mainly cheating, you'd soon find out how futile it is to make plans. What happens if your partner decided to cheat on you? Leave you? Everything gets destroyed.

You know the saying: "Man plans, God laughs"?

 

 

You will find out how it is, in fact, you are finding out as we speak (or, type ).

[ladyabstrused]

There is nothing wrong in taking care of the number 1 person in your life. You.

And that is really far off from being selfish, at least, in the way you understand it. We are humans, and thus, we're all selfish to some degree, but when it comes to RS, you need to take care of BOTH you and your partner. It's never a one sided street.

 

Sometimes I wonder, did I take care of him? Yes there was a period of time when I was taking care of myself, you know, enough sleep, proper work schedule etc....but did I take good care of him? He said no.

 

You know how they say that in order to love someone else, you need to learn how to love yourself first? Well, other than the fact that it's true, it also applies to taking care. How can you take care of your partner when you can't take care of yourself? You know? And if you clash with your partner, and you can't compromise, and it's a big deal (like what happened to you), than it's time to end it.

 

This makes perfect sense.

 

That's the beauty of it, isn't it? You don't know what's next! Everything could happen! And anyway, if you read the other sections, mainly cheating, you'd soon find out how futile it is to make plans. What happens if your partner decided to cheat on you? Leave you? Everything gets destroyed.

You know the saying: "Man plans, God laughs"?

 

 

You will find out how it is, in fact, you are finding out as we speak (or, type ).

 

Lol I didn't know that I am finding out now as we type, so soon? I don't feel like I'm finding anything out really. I'm just here reading on other people's problems and just wandering about aimlessly. Just to kill time.

 

Hmm, I'll check those forums out. A lot of interesting things on here. It's like a whole new community here with little villages that focus on different things in life.