'This can never, never, happen again...'

[triggerbunny]

I have posted on here before about someone else I thought I had feelings for last summer, but that got resolved. The advice I got was helpful, but this particular non-relationship is the one I have always needed help with, and the one that has been present in my life for the past two years. However, during the summer was one of the times I was going through a stage of denial about it. I don't think I'm in denial anymore about exactly how I feel about this person, how deeply I feel, and it scares me. I met this guy two years ago, and there was a connection between us. When you know, you do just know that it's all building to something happening.

 

I came out of a long term relationship, and about a month after the break up (had been out of love with the ex for a long time, and started to be attracted to this other guy before the break up) we kissed on a night out, and all night, and on the bus, and walking through the park, and at his, and I stayed. Then he zoned me out for a week. Then I had a bit of a go at him, then we became friends again and I let it go. That was the first time. This little cycle then repeated itself every few months or so, until last summer it happened and I wasn't upset at all. I thought, right. Just attraction, no deeper feelings than that, not heartbroken, over it. Happy with just friends.

 

Until after the summer, when we started to become very close. This was initiated on his part, and I obviously responded to it, all the while thinking 'my feelings are platonic. I know nothing will happen, I am genuinely happy with the friendship'. And I was. Until it inevitably deepened my feelings for him, and I found they has never really gone away. When I say became very close, I mean we did everything together. We were always friends, and part of the same friendship group, but our own friendship as a duo changed. We spent most of the week together, hung out weeknights, went out at the weekend, with our mutual friends too but always us two together, like we were a pair. One night, we were outside and we saw a shooting star. I'd never seen one before, and he told me to make a wish, quick. I closed my eyes and I silently wished for him, then he said 'Done'. And that breaks my heart, again, that memory, because I was so full of hope, then two nights later had the perfect night, which ended with us getting together, and he held my face like he loved me and we stayed up all night being together, and then kissed in the snow in the morning and he told me 'this is the start of something for us' then....once again, it wasn't. He told me, once again, that he just doesn't want more, that he was drunk, that he doesn't want to lead me on and I am one of his best friends....and so I told him it could never, ever happen again. He said 'well, it can't, now, it would be too awkward'. WHAT?

 

Anyway, since then, it was a difficult month. I was heartbroken, really, properly, couldn't eat, wanted to sleep all the time, cried a LOT. Still couldn't be without him in my life though, and tried to be friends again. It was hard, and there was fallout...I acted crazy to girls he was talking to on a couple of nights out, I was embarrassed, but he didn't get mad, he let it go. Then he slept with one of my friends a while later and I DID go mad, and that was the time I maybe saw him the most emotional, because he is notoriously not an emotional person....I told him after I found out if he valued my friendship then he had to show me that somehow, and he said he knew it was wrong, wished it hadn't happened, that he would never see this girl again (and he hasn't), I was a great friend etc then when we saw each other that weekend to make up at first I couldn't talk to or look at him, and he stood up and he was actually shaking and said 'I don't like this. Please can we just be like we were....' so we were. And we are.

 

Only now I know that I'll probably always love him. I just can't stop. And everyone tells me it's pointless. That he has never had a girlfriend, is emotionally closed off, that I have to move on. But I can't. And part of me still thinks there is something more there. Its how he is with me, different with me, how we do always gravitate to each other. But in the entire time we have known each other, this is the longest its been in between things happening between us. So part of me also feels that when, in December, I said 'this can never, never happen again' he has taken it word for word. And I meant it at the time but I regret it now.

 

So what the hell do I do? Tell him exactly how I do feel? He must sort of know? But if he does know, why does he keep me so close? Don't guys usually back off from that sort of thing? And...I just don't know. It took me a long time to accept what I do feel about him, because I have never loved someone who doesn't love me back, or at least hasn't said so. I just sort of want an outside opinion. I have my feelings under control, and I can be friends, I'm not like going crazy here, it just makes me sad sometimes. Because I really do think he's just the most amazing, funny, smart, original person I have ever met. And he understands how I think, and most people think I'm mental, ha, so I just... hate it when he isn't here. And when he is I really feel like I'm at home again, like everything is just comfortable and safe, and that sounds boring, but it really isn't.

[qwertzuiop]

Ok, I know it's not of great help, but I know how you are feeling. I am in a similar situation now. We're stuck in the middle, not friends (as we both have feelings for each other) and not lovers (as he is scared of a relationship). I keep on hoping just like you, although I know that he is, as you put it, "emotionally closed-off" and didn't really have a serious relationship yet. What you wrote in your last paragraph suits me so well really, I can sympathize when you say that you've never been in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For me it's the same really, I do know that he has feelings for me, but I'm just completely and hopelessly in love, while he is reluctant to even think about that word. I would do everything for him. He wouldn't.

But what to do? While I have no idea what I should do, reading your post I came to the conclusion that you should talk to him about it, just as you talked about it here, without beating around the bush. That, or cut ties forever without looking back. But you love him, so you should give it a try. If talking about it doesn't help, then you get at least a little peace of mind. I doubt that he's the type of person that you could manipulate into being willing to commit, or that would change his mind if you wait for him to change it.

If you'd like to talk more, feel free to PM me.

Edited May 14, 2012 by qwertzuiop