so f-ing depressed

[DontWorryBHappy]

I honestly am so depressed. Kind of in tears at the moment, my dad playing something on the piano in the background. I feel like I am not able to function right in society. Today I was working in a Wal-Mart, passing out coupons for ice cream bars to random people. I watched all these people, going about their lives... and I didn't want to be any of them. I don't want their lives... with their kids and their families, and their houses, pushing around their shopping carts in Wal-marts every week until they get old, and die. I feel like talking to people is a chore because I am too analytical and I worry about everything (and overthink everything). So it's exhausting to talk to people... I'm constantly thinking to myself, "Should I talk to that person? No, be cool." or "Did he just notice me look at him?"... ...But I waltz around looking pretty normal... It makes me wonder if there are more people like me who are also doing their best to appear normal while they barely have it together inside.

 

I don't know what the future has in store and I don't know that I'm looking forward to it. I'm scared of it... Scared of always feeling like this, never feeling like I fit in anywhere. I was thinking my career could be with helping youth get out of tough lifestyles like gangs and crap like that... and honestly I'm interested in it because I understand those people. I know what it feels like to reach a point where you feel out of options and you want to do something drastic or that you never thought you would. And I know what it feels like to want to scream at the world, "PLEASE, someone f-ing HELP me!!!" while you look like any other normal person walking the street.

 

Sometimes I convince myself that I should be able to get away from being so analytical, and just be free and spontaneous. I did that yesterday. I had reached out to an old friend (kind of a friend with benefits I guess) who I knew a few months ago. We hadn't talked in all that time, and when we started talking again he seemed less enthused to talk to me than before. It was maybe a week ago that I reached out to him again. Well, last night I couldn't sleep and I started thinking that I might just open up to him a little. We had talked before and spent time together like friends would, so I told him that when I first saw him I really wanted to talk to him, but never had the nerve. That I thought he was cute and probably too cool for me, but that I'm glad I had a chance to know him anyway. And I told him that I liked the movie we had seen together and that I loved dancing with him, and that I hoped I brightened his day by telling him all that.

 

Well, I know he's read the messages by now. But he said nothing. And honestly it does hurt, but not for reasons that you'd think. It hurts because I was just trying to be very real, raw, and human, but got silence for it. I wasn't telling him, "I want to be your girlfriend" or anything close to that.... I was just being honest and being myself. That's why it hurts.. because for some reason I thought he might be one of those people who'd think it's nice and refreshing to see someone putting their thoughts and feelings out there in this cold, contrived world we live in. I guess that's where I went wrong.... I had expectations or made assumptions about someone else other than myself. Maybe I should still feel alright about the fact that I let myself share my thoughts and feelings, without defining my feelings based on whether I got a response from him or not. Who knows, maybe he just felt that responding in kind might lead to us getting back into a friend with benefits situation or worried I wanted more of him, and he's done with that. I don't know.

 

Anyway, I guess I just don't know who is cool anymore. A lot of people seem so cool at first, but then they're strangers. People that you felt you could open up to at one time, suddenly make you feel weird for saying anything to them. It really does suck. If anything, I wish people were more straight up. The one time I shut someone out that wanted to talk to me, it was an ex who was reaching out repeatedly. But I was straight up. I told him: "I have no interest in talking to you." It was clear. I would prefer to be told that rather than see people do this stupid fade-out thing. No one is real these days.

Edited May 6, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[StephEd]

Actually, you sound ALOT like me. I have the same problem with being overanalytical. It hinders me with my friendships and gets even worse when I have a crush on a guy (lol, currently overanalyzing the situation with a guy i'm dating).

 

Here's what I have learned so far (partly from a great psychologist I found) and recommend for you. The first thing is to start realizing that you CANNOT read people's minds; even if you're good at reading people most of the time. You never know what else is going on in their lives, so you can't know everything to be able to read their minds and know what they are thinking about you- to your interactions with them and such. It's hard at first... I'm still working on it, lol. However, everytime I start to overanalyze someone I remind myself of this and it somewhat calms me down. It's really very freeing! Wouldn't you agree overanalyzing sucks because it takes over your mind?!

 

Okay, second thing I suggest is to realize that men DO NOT work like women. I'm saying this because it actually helps with the "can't read his mind" part since men think very differently than us, and because you cannot date a man like you would want to be dated. So, what it sounds like you did here (which, I have done in that past more than once) is you continued to communicate with this guy even after you started getting signs from him that he wasn't interested, or at least not interested enough to communicate that often. You felt this, but didn't believe it, or thought, well, if he doesn't care then what do I have to lose by texting him. However, the first sign that you felt he wasn't as enthused as you were you should have pulled back from communicating with him. Trust me, I know it's hard for us overanalyzers because we also tend to obsess; it's freaking hard! However, you have to fight it, and NOT communicate with him. Doing this is honestly the only way you will know if he actually is interested in you. Unfortunately, you were too pushy and didn't let him come around to you in his own time and it probably came across as needy and turned him off. Men, even the super awesome nice ones, prefer to chase the girl, so you should try and let him text you first and all that. Also, as soon as you noticed on a date or whatever that he is not as interested in you that is just the worst time to start texting him before he texts you because he already is unsure how he feels about you, and then when he doesn't have to work to win your affection it pretty much automatically turns men off; it's in their genes (seriously).

 

Lol, hopefully that all makes sense. Any Qs let me know!

[DontWorryBHappy]

I see what you're saying but when it comes to the guy I texted, I wasn't texting him to try to get with him or anything. I was just trying to share my thoughts and be open with him. I didn't think this was about letting him "chase" me... I mean, isn't that sort of stuff reserved for dating situations? In my mind, I was just speaking to another human being (one who I had spent time with as a friend), and just hoped I could say something that would bring a smile to his face. Because I had considered him a friend not that long ago. But I guess the moral of the story is, this kind of thing isn't just true of dating situations. Even if you're just trying to be someone's friend, if they don't seem as enthused about talking to you, they probably aren't, and you may not wanna waste your time.

 

The thing that I don't get is, I feel like even if I wasn't as enthused with speaking to someone, if they said some kind things to me I WOULD respond. I'd probably say something like "Thanks, that's nice of you to say" or something. I wouldn't just NOT respond. I actually don't really understand that part.

 

Maybe the overanalyzing stuff is part of the cause of this. Maybe a NORMAL person who doesn't overanalyze would immediately notice that the person they are speaking with is not receptive, and their instinct is to back off. I think I have that instinct too, but I also have an overthinking mechanism that can override the logical part. So I'll catch myself thinking, "Hey well, maybe my instinct is wrong and I can just say whatever is on my mind and it will be fine"...

[Mr Scorpio]

[Exit]

I can relate to much of what you said. Especially trying to appear normal while barely holding it together inside. I can never get out of my own head. People might look at me sitting there calmly, but inside I'm always thinking about who's looking at me, what I'm doing, what other people are doing, being self conscious, etc.

 

And I can COMPLETELY relate to what you experienced with texting that guy and not getting any response at all. I'm dealing with this a lot lately, not even with sending deep, thoughtful messages. Just trying to chat with people who I thought were friends, it appears suddenly nobody feels the need to answer me. Just today I was texting a girl I've known for a few years, and we send a few messages back and forth, then I ask what are you up to today, and that was followed by hours of silence and no reply. So unless this person threw her phone out the window and never looked at it again in the 15 seconds since she last sent me a text, apparently she looked at it and felt no need to answer. I understand a lot of what StephEd said above, my therapist tried telling me the same things, that I take things personally and read into things more than I need to. It's entirely possibly people get busy and just can't answer for a while. But I take it personally. I answer people who text me. One of my other friends hasn't said a word to me for a few weeks after I made the effort to reconnect with them and hang out a few times. Of course my mind is running away with this as well, figuring this person must not like me or want to see me, when I guess it's possible they've just been keeping busy with other things. The irony is that maybe they even wonder why they haven't heard from me.

 

I really get where you're coming from with that text you sent to your old friend. Sometimes I get random urges like that, to want to open up to someone and just let them know I'm thinking of them or I'm glad that I know them. I bet I know how you feel when you got no reply from him. But honestly, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that people have just totally lost the ability to relate on this level. Trying to be an honest, emotional human being with people is just a dying art. People are too used to their text messages, their Tweets and their Facebook status updates. The other day my friend won a decent amount of money on a scratch off lottery ticket and out of nowhere decided to give me $50. I obviously thanked him, but I really wanted to say more. I wanted to let him know that it meant a lot to me, that I've been feeling really crappy lately, and to know that someone else on this planet who has bills and rent to pay, and needs to put gas in their car, would hand someone else $50 for no good reason, I really wanted to let him know how amazing that is. But, I didn't, because I figured it would come across weird or misunderstood. It's like being honest with your feelings is something to be made fun of these days. I think it's unfair and backwards though that we are treated like the strange ones. I think most everyone else in the world these days are the strange ones who I can't understand anymore, not the other way around. Or maybe I am the crazy one, who knows. You shouldn't feel bad for sending that text. The person who can't even come up with a response, even if it rubbed them the wrong way, is the one who should feel like a jerk. I'm getting so tired of reaching out to people who can't even be decent enough to respond to me, but I struggle to make the decision, should I cut these people off completely? Today I was even tempted to say to my friend "geez, I gotta stop wasting time on people who can't even reply to me. Take care", but then I stop myself and think maybe I'm just spiting myself. I only talk to a handful of people in the first place, and here I am considering telling a few of them to get lost. Then what? But I also know I'm bad at setting boundaries, I've stayed in bad relationships before and maybe even with these friendships, maybe it is time for me to be the one to say I'm done with it. Maybe it's time for me to learn how to speak up when I think something isn't right.

 

I understand not wanting to work, eat, sleep, and repeat until you die. That bothers me to no end as well. Unfortunately it's very hard to figure out how else to live. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I'm one of those people who can't stand the typical 9 to 5, but I'm also not the type to throw five things into a backpack and decide I'm gonna go live in a different country for a year or whatever.

 

You seem stuck and confused in many of the same ways I am. I guess if nothing else it feels remotely better to know I'm not the only one. I wish I could do more than just tell you that I agree, I wish I had some solutions or advice to offer, but I don't. It's been a very confusing, lonely life for me in recent memory. I'm not sure what to do.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Exit

[Mr Scorpio]

I understand not wanting to work, eat, sleep, and repeat until you die. That bothers me to no end as well. Unfortunately it's very hard to figure out how else to live. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I'm one of those people who can't stand the typical 9 to 5, but I'm also not the type to throw five things into a backpack and decide I'm gonna go live in a different country for a year or whatever.

 

You seem stuck and confused in many of the same ways I am. I guess if nothing else it feels remotely better to know I'm not the only one. I wish I could do more than just tell you that I agree, I wish I had some solutions or advice to offer, but I don't. It's been a very confusing, lonely life for me in recent memory. I'm not sure what to do.

 

To me it seems there are only a few options. One, you can work the typical 9 to 5 (although there is a thread going in a different forum where people are adamant that 9 to 5 doesn't exist anymore), then get married and have a family. This might allow you to take a few vacations per year and do fun stuff on the weekends worth taking photos of.

 

Two, you can take a "non-professional" 9 to 5 where the stress might be less, and instead of getting married and having a family, you can live "night-life" to whatever extent you can find it. This might make for a more expanded social circle, but likely at a different age than yourself.

 

Three, you can find a sense of community via religion, which is what I think a large portion of Americans -- myself not included -- at least try to do. That way, you have a group of people you can interact with anywhere from one-to-five times a week depending on outside activities.

 

Four, say to hell with the 9 to 5 and do whatever it is that you enjoy: painting, sculpting, pottery, music, and hope you find enough people with a similar mindset that you can make rent.

 

Bottom-line, I agree with you. It all gets lonely. I blew through a lot of money avoiding 9-to-5 so that I wouldn't be lonely. Now I'm running to catchup. But, at least we have loveshack!

[Double D]

A tread I can totally relate to.

 

Don't Worry - believe me you are not the only person to have these thoughts and feelings. For what's its worth I think you did the right thing in expressing your feelings to your friend. People are not honest and don't know how to truly communicate. As long as you understand why you wanted to share your feelings that should be enough. Its important to 'know thyself' and it seems you have a good grasp of this.

 

Someone on Loveshack has a quote saying something like 'we all die + all we have is our legacy when we've gone' I think a lot of truth to this quote and maybe you need to ask yourself what is important to me and what am I striving for? You may not know the answers yet but it starts with a thought.

 

Keep breathing, keep healthy + tomorrow is another day!

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey guys, I really appreciate your responses. They all touched me, because I was half-expecting to come back to a bunch of replies of people blasting me for feeling this "abnormally"... but the opposite happened, and it seems many of you understand!

 

Exit, I appreciated your post because it does seem that you are kind of like another version of me. I think both of us have an overthinking problem. See because, a lot of people who have text conversations and suddenly don't get a reply would probably just forget about that conversation and focus on any number of other things that their day consists of. But we tend to analyze things and put a lot of stock into our conversations and dealings with people. And we try to connect. So we take things more personally than a lot of other people would. And you're right, if you suddenly texted a seemingly distant friend something like, "Wow I just shouldn't waste my time on people like you who don't respond" then they likely WILL think you are needy and a little crazy. But I relate 1000% because I swear I almost texted something exactly like that to the guy I mentioned in my original post.

 

But I have a conclusion to that story. The guy DID end up responding, but it was probably something like 16 hours later. He said he had read my message when he woke up and forgot to respond, and apologized for the late reply. So imagine what would have happened if I had sent that angry text that I had the urge to send? I would have appeared totally whacked and overly affected by that person for no reason at all. I was really glad I didn't send that text.

 

Luckily my mood has improved in the last couple days. It could be because I've made an effort to reach out and speak to some old friends who are now talking to me, and some new people, or it could be because I started taking a supplement called Sam-E, which is supposed to be a mood lifter. Maybe it's both. In any case, I know I'll still have moments like the one I was having when I made this thread... But my goal is to keep them under control and be an overall happy person. It takes work .

Edited May 10, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[poonpoiming]

DontWorryBHappy, do not try to seek happiness outside of yourself. Your friends may probably be unhappy with their lot as well (although very likely, not to the same extent as you are), so when you pour your troubles onto them, they may feel even more depressed and that could be a reason for avoiding you. As they say, "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." Make yourself cheerful and your friends will more likely to be attracted to you like bees to honey.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks, but I never said in my post that I "pour my troubles on to people".

[betterdeal]

Who knows, maybe he just felt that responding in kind might lead to us getting back into a friend with benefits situation or worried I wanted more of him, and he's done with that. I don't know.

 

Maybe he was overwhelmed by the sheer naked brilliance of your courage. Or maybe he hasn't read the message. Or maybe his buddy deleted it for a laugh. Or his girlfriend.

 

Who knows? We don't. You don't. You sound like you want a cuddle more than anything.