Alienating Friends...Again

[sugarrush]

I'm having a horrible day and the stress is so bad that my nose started to bleed heavily and I snapped and deleted everyone except my family from my facebook. I also deleted my sister and pretty much told her that perhaps it's best that we don't talk anymore at this time. I also cut off my phone service so I wouldn't have to deal with people being mad at me. So far 2 friends and my boyfriend stopped by to see if I was okay. I don't know if I'm having a nervous break down or if it's just karma biting me in the butt and making me feel what I deserve.

 

What I may have done wrong was lead on 8 guys who I considered to be good friends within the past year. After leaving a miserable, controlling 2 year relationship I decided that I wanted to go out and have fun, live life and find myself. I no longer wanted to be this "ideal" woman that I had allowed my ex to mold me into. Even after the break up he said he would wait for me. I told him to move on but even a year later he still sends me emails that I don't reply to about how he still loves and misses me and wants me back.

 

But since our break up I went wild and became really outgoing and I found out alot of things about myself I would've never imagined a year ago. My sexuality is complex, and I consider myself pansexual in that I am physically attracted to women, but mentally and emotionally latch onto men. I have also become involved in an alternative lifestyle that I don't want to be judged for so I'm very private about certain aspects of my personal life however it conflicts with an image people have of me and I am afraid of what they will think of me as a person once that image is shattered.

 

I am afraid of other women and I don't get along with them and the friendships I do have with them are superficial/acquaintanceships. With guys I find that it's easier to connect, but I don't flirt with them or go out of my way to draw them in, it's just that I can understand them and find them easy to talk to and hang out with.

 

However I never really wanted to be with my guy friends, I feel no attraction to them or sparks but many of them have told me that they love me and I've tried to be clear that I just want to stay friends, that I just want to have fun and enjoy their company and that I am not ready to jump into a relationship period, but then they said they would wait but in the mean time they have tried to win me over with gifts and when we're supposed to "hang out", the places they choose can be considered romantic or impressive settings. I repeated myself but they wouldn't listen to me and after a while I got tired and was just like "whatever".

 

I've tried sleeping with some of them hoping it would shut up the love talk thinking they were just trying to get in my pants with that anyway but it only made it worse. I didn't want to hurt their feelings or tell them the real reason why I won't date them so I never said it like, "I just don't want to date -you-."

 

But then a funny thing happened. I bumped into a person who is into the same lifestyle and sparks finally flew. I've cut ties with my sister because she has been egging me to get with a guy friend who is her girlfriend's brother and I am convinced that her girlfriend hates me now either because I don't want her lovestruck brother or she thinks I show him a different side than I show to everyone else when to me I feel that I am conducting myself in a consistent platonic manner.

 

Maybe I seem just a bit more comfortable around her brother than I do with her idk...But she's been looking for a reason to hate me from day one and I'm at the point where I think it would be destructive for my sister to know any more of my personal business.

 

And one friend I have came clean to about my boyfriend already yelled at me furious because I never gave him a chance...He still kept calling my phone which lead to me cutting off my service. Anyways I just want to be happy I just want friendships without alterior motives or strings and I'm not clear on what all I've done wrong in this so I'm asking for a reality check. I can't feel worse than what I already feel now.

 

My boyfriend makes me happy in every way, I find what we have fulfilling, exciting and right. I've been completely honest with him and he knows what's been going on, he also is aware that he's being kept a secret right now. He suggested a few days ago that I cut everyone off and just try to make new friends with people who are into our lifestyle.

 

Our relationship is unconventional with it being open and with us both being pansexual, he's a bit effeminate and he does flirt with other guys, so he comes off as gay and scared people in my world wouldn't like or accept or even understand why we're together. I'm more of a tomboy and our roles are reversed. Yet I think our lifestyle is what would probably be the shocker. I don't know if my family is going to accept this and what's hurting me is I feel that in order for me to be happy I have to get rid of basically all my friends and alienate myself once again to be with someone I love.

Edited May 7, 2012 by sugarrush