Family intentions.....kind of long

[jade4071]

Hi, new here. Kind of a long story but I’ll try to keep the length within reason.

 

My dad died as a result of a heart attack about six months ago – he and I weren’t exactly close all the time. He was in and out of my life when I was growing up and pretty much adulthood too; I’m now in my 40’s. He was an alcoholic and and was suffering from alcohol related dementia the last couple years of his life.

 

I was close to my dad’s family until I was 8 or 9 and things started drifting apart. After that I only saw my dad’s family very sporadically (grandparents, aunt, uncles), mostly keeping in touch with my grandparents who are now in their late 80’s. I was never really treated quite the same as the rest of my family because my parents were divorced (g-parents are old school about that) and my dad was the black sheep of the family. My dad and his mom didn’t have a very good relationship and a lot of that - I think – was projected onto me. I never really felt like I fit in with them entirely.

 

Fast forward to last fall, my uncle calls me out of the blue and tells me my dad is in the hospital and not going to make it, on life support. We head up there and I find out my dad had been sick for many months, had a heart attack (not the first one), and was found unconscious in his home. He was resuscitated and on life support but was brain dead due to being without oxygen for an unknown period of time. Sadly, I ended up signing to have him removed from life support and he died shortly thereafter. Although we were not close all the time, I was and am devestated.

 

As I later found out, my dad had been seriously ill for several months and only told one of my uncles, told him not to tell anyone else. My uncle kept the secret for quite awhile but eventually told their sister and parents. Two of my other uncles found out the same way my family (husband/3 kids) did, very last minute. I am struggling with that but not as resentful as I was initially.

 

Since then, my dad’s family has quite a bit more communicative with me and seemingly including us in more family events. This after being pretty much ignored by dad’s siblings (and at times, my g-parents) for many years. We have been excluded from quite a bit in the past and while no one is under any requirement to invite anyone , it did reinforce that feeling of never quite fitting in.

 

Hate to sound like a Negative Nancy but I have to wonder, why now? Being treated like an actual family member (I think?) now that my dad is gone feels like pity and guilt to me. If it is only those things, I’d much rather go back to the way things were. I would point-blank ask them but afraid to cause undue stress because my grandfather is now very ill after having a stroke not that long ago.

 

I’m not able to be objective about this and while no one here knows my family……generally speaking from what I’ve said here……does it sound like they may only feel guilty or pity my situation? It would be nice to feel like I have a genuine extended family (my mom’s family….pretty much most of them have passed away), I’d rather not if it’s not something they really want.

[CC12]

I can see why you'd be questioning their intentions after everything that's happened, but I doubt that it's pity that motivates them to include you. That just kind of doesn't make sense to me. Why feel pity only for you? This was a loss for all of you and the whole family is grieving. When people are dealing with a devastating loss, emotions like pity just aren't really even on the radar, I think.

 

What I think is more likely is that your father's death was like a wake-up call to them. Death makes people think things like, "I should have been a better mother/father/sibling/friend to him" or "I wish I had spent more time with him." And I can see those feelings kind of extending to you. "I should have been a better grandmother to jade. I wish I had spent more time with her." They don't have a second chance with your father, but they do have one with you. They're probably just trying to make things right, not out of pity, but because they realize they should have been including you all along.

 

As far as guilt? Yeah, they probably feel guilty. And they kind of should. But guilt is an inward admission that you've done wrong. It doesn't mean that their desire for a good relationship with you is feigned or artificial.

 

If you don't want a relationship with them, you'd be completely justified. But you said it would be nice to have an extended family, so try to take their invitations at face value - that they just want to have a connection with you.

 

Sorry for your loss, and good luck with your "new" extended family.

[jade4071]

I can see why you'd be questioning their intentions after everything that's happened, but I doubt that it's pity that motivates them to include you. That just kind of doesn't make sense to me. Why feel pity only for you? This was a loss for all of you and the whole family is grieving. When people are dealing with a devastating loss, emotions like pity just aren't really even on the radar, I think.

 

What I think is more likely is that your father's death was like a wake-up call to them. Death makes people think things like, "I should have been a better mother/father/sibling/friend to him" or "I wish I had spent more time with him." And I can see those feelings kind of extending to you. "I should have been a better grandmother to jade. I wish I had spent more time with her." They don't have a second chance with your father, but they do have one with you. They're probably just trying to make things right, not out of pity, but because they realize they should have been including you all along.

 

As far as guilt? Yeah, they probably feel guilty. And they kind of should. But guilt is an inward admission that you've done wrong. It doesn't mean that their desire for a good relationship with you is feigned or artificial.

 

If you don't want a relationship with them, you'd be completely justified. But you said it would be nice to have an extended family, so try to take their invitations at face value - that they just want to have a connection with you.

 

Sorry for your loss, and good luck with your "new" extended family.

 

Thanks for your response .

 

I know the pity statement seems a little weird or not applicable but I do think a couple of them feel that way. I loved my dad but he had a tendency to be a real jerk at times; abrasive, selfish, argumentative, critical, the list goes on. He and his mother never got along and I know she felt bad for me because my childhood wasn't easy (both of my parents had major issues with addiction). My dad didn't bother much with his parents or his older brother, despised a younger brother.....he only really got along with his youngest brother and their only sister. He was a difficult person and there is some bad family dynamics too.

 

In any case, my grandmother....well....hate to say it but she didn't grieve much over the loss of my dad, nor would have one of his brothers. I know that makes her/them sound terrible but she isn't a bad person. It was just like those two weren't even related and they didn't ever "connect" - and that is according to both of them. So the pity plays into how he was to me while still living and how his life ended. That whole thing between them was just sad all the way around.

 

I don't want to go out of my way to be harsh with them or anything but part of me isn't entirely interested in spending time with them. Their absence didn't cause my heart to grow fonder, I basically just lost interest. Especially in my aunt and uncles. Particularly in the one uncle who knew the most info about my dad and chose to parcel it out as he saw fit. Perhaps he was trying to do as my father asked him to but the fundamental disagreement between us is that I would have never agreed to keep such a secret, not for anyone.

 

In any case, I'm going to attend family functions here and there and see how it goes, and while trying to keep an open mind.