Why do some people seem to struggle all their lives when others seem to never suffer?

[writergal]

Why do some people seem to struggle all their lives when others seem to never suffer?

 

It can't be just plain bad luck (I don't believe in good or bad luck...just cause and effect).

 

Is it just your fault that things continue to go wrong in your life - or can other people contribute to your lack of success?

 

Finally, what if despite your best efforts...you still continue to falter and are no closer to achieving your goals than when you started?

 

I just don't understand. Help me out here.

[darkmoon]

you make choices, you have free will and control, so whatever happens is one's own fault

[writergal]

While I agree with you that we have free will and make our own choices, I have to disagree with you that whatever happens is just one's own fault. There are always external factors at play that influence the outcome.

 

Unless you're saying that it's the person's inability to maneuver around those external factors successfully is what causes the failure?

Edited May 7, 2012 by writergal

[HeavenOrHell]

We can make choices to a certain extent, but things like abuse, poverty, ill health, or the country we're born in, which could be torn apart by war, are circumstance we have no control in, or call it bad luck, and could happen to anybody regardless of 'choices'. What choice does a woman have if she's raped and never fully recovers from it, or someone who has terrible injuries from a car crash, maybe they were hit by a drunk driver, was that their choice?

 

 

you make choices, you have free will and control, so whatever happens is one's own fault

[Million.to.1]

Some people have a rough time in life but still manage to focus on the good and find the things to smile about.

 

The external environment is not where you find happiness or success.

[HeavenOrHell]

External factors always play a part.

It is up to us how we react to certain situations, like rape or disability, or job losses, or r/ship break ups, but we are all different, with different strengths and weaknesses, different genetic make up, different upbringings and backgrounds, all of which affect the way we cope with problems in life.

Someone who had a very supportive, loving childhood for example, will probably be more likely to cope with the crap life throws at us, they will have the skills to cope with it, the confidence and strength to cope with it, the courage to know they can deal with it as that's what they were taught.

I think people with a supportive circle of friends is more likely to handle things better too.

 

While I agree with you that we have free will and make our own choices, I have to disagree with you that whatever happens is just one's own fault. There are always external factors at play that influence the outcome.

 

Unless you're saying that it's the person's inability to maneuver around those external factors successfully is what causes the failure?

[Million.to.1]

We can make choices to a certain extent, but things like abuse, poverty, ill health, or the country we're born in, which could be torn apart by war, are circumstance we have no control in, or call it bad luck, and could happen to anybody regardless of 'choices'. What choice does a woman have if she's raped and never fully recovers from it, or someone who has terrible injuries from a car crash, maybe they were hit by a drunk driver, was that their choice?

 

This is true... But it is THEIR responsibility how they respond to these things.

 

Bad things happen to good people all the time. One can choose to suffer, or to not suffer.

[TaraMaiden]

Why do some people seem to struggle all their lives when others seem to never suffer?

The operative word here, is 'seem'.....

 

It can't be just plain bad luck (I don't believe in good or bad luck...just cause and effect).

No, there is 'luck'... otherwise, according to you, it's all predetermined....

Is it just your fault that things continue to go wrong in your life - or can other people contribute to your lack of success?

I don't like the word 'fault'... 'fault' implies blame, implies guilt, implies negativity.

the better word is 'Responsibility'.

 

And yes, it is YOUR responsibility, because ultimately, everything you think, say and do, is your choice.

It's under your control. You can choose, at any one given moment, what you decide to do faced with any incident you care to mention.

It all begins with you, in your mind, in your receptors - how you perceive things - and the buck stops here.

The analogy is that of a lighthouse- No matter what is occurring with the elements, the sea, the sun, the ebb and flow of the tide, and the coming and going of the ships - you remain constant and resolute, unfazed and immoveable.

 

Finally, what if despite your best efforts...you still continue to falter and are no closer to achieving your goals than when you started?

I just don't understand. Help me out here.

It's very simple:

 

You're making the wrong choices, because more often than not, we act on impulse, without thinking things through properly, and we consider through emotions, and emotions are hardly ever logical.

Change the way you think - and you'll change the way things happen.

[darkmoon]

We can make choices to a certain extent, but things like abuse, poverty, ill health, or the country we're born in, which could be torn apart by war, are circumstance we have no control in, or call it bad luck, and could happen to anybody regardless of 'choices'. What choice does a woman have if she's raped and never fully recovers from it, or someone who has terrible injuries from a car crash, maybe they were hit by a drunk driver, was that their choice?

 

yes, i had hoped to put accross a point about being in control, not all the time that's not possible, but without looking carefully at what situations you are being invited/drawn to and looking at the motives of new people in your life who instigate such new situations, and then being in control and then deciding to get involved or not could save angst later on, could, i say, but i have definitely learned about caution, i mean just that really

Edited May 7, 2012 by darkmoon

[123321]

Why do some people seem to struggle all their lives when others seem to never suffer?

 

Multiple factors I'm sure, but in part, never forget that life is an ongoing IQ test.

[Mr Scorpio]

Change the way you think - and you'll change the way things happen.

 

But what of situations which are largely beyond our own personal control, such as the economy? My suffering derives mostly from circumstances which seem largely beyond my control.

[Kamille]

I've been told that I seem to live a charmed life.

 

I know I face the same challenges other people do, in life, in love, in friendship, in work. The main difference, I would say, is that I probably take more risks than most people around me and fall on my face more often - and I fall with as much grace as I can muster. That's because I also am pretty good at picking myself up and moving on.

 

The truth about failure and success is this: Success is visible. Failure rarely is. People see where I've succeeded. Success is what stays with you in the long term. Failures, by definition, are in the past. Here's another truth about success: success begets success.

 

Risk more, learn from your mistakes, accept that not everything is under your control, like yourself and success will follow.

[Ross MwcFan]

This is true... But it is THEIR responsibility how they respond to these things.

 

Bad things happen to good people all the time. One can choose to suffer, or to not suffer.

 

So if a guy rapes a woman and she suffers because of it, it's the womans fault and not the guys?

[TaraMaiden]

Ross, there are two types of suffering:

The physical actual 'pain' of the moment - and the mental pain of perpetuation of the experience.

 

I have absolutely no qualms whatsoever in telling you I was raped as a young girl, by the son of a close family friend.

The man was never brought to justice, and i only told people about this a long time after the event.

 

At the time, the experience was frightening, and horrendous.

Now?

I've moved on, and I don't feel the effects of the experience, any more.

I really give a damn.

 

But I had to drop that emotional perpetuation myself.

 

It was a choice I made - carry on the mental anguish long after the event was over and done with - to keep carrying it around as a negative reminder and emotional burden, or let it go, release myself from the weight and pain and suffering, and look ahead, not back.

 

I chose the latter.

[Ross MwcFan]

Ross, there are two types of suffering:

The physical actual 'pain' of the moment - and the mental pain of perpetuation of the experience.

 

I have absolutely no qualms whatsoever in telling you I was raped as a young girl, by the son of a close family friend.

The man was never brought to justice, and i only told people about this a long time after the event.

 

At the time, the experience was frightening, and horrendous.

Now?

I've moved on, and I don't feel the effects of the experience, any more.

I really give a damn.

 

But I had to drop that emotional perpetuation myself.

 

It was a choice I made - carry on the mental anguish long after the event was over and done with - to keep carrying it around as a negative reminder and emotional burden, or let it go, release myself from the weight and pain and suffering, and look ahead, not back.

 

I chose the latter.

 

Sorry about what happened.

 

I think for some people though it's very hard to just choose to not feel pain anymore and be happy. That's how it is for me anyway, even though I am trying to work on myself to make myself happier, to stop feeling as much pain, and to my life better.

[january2011]

I agree with TaraMaiden that it's about perception and how you frame things. And you are comparing your insides with other people's outsides. You don't know what internal struggles people face to get where they are or to do what they need to do just to get by.

 

I know people who are in senior jobs working for huge conglomerates and they're on megabucks but they also work 70-100 hour weeks and don't have time for their family or to take care of their health.

 

I know people who have adorable bright children and they are constantly teaching the children new things and giving them new experiences but their marriages are falling apart because they're neglecting their spouses.

 

I know people who live amazing fun-filled lives and are always learning something new or travelling to some exotic land but inside they're terribly lonely and would give it all up if they could just find 'the one'.

 

There are upsides and downsides to every choice we make in life. It's up to us to decide what we consider those to be and which we can/can't live with. That's not to say that we should approach everything with rose-tinted glasses but sometimes you are right where you need to be. You have an important lesson to learn and sometimes the lesson is in the journey and not the goal.

 

Besides, your life is not over yet. Until it is, there is always an opportunity to reach your version of successful.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, well, let me just put this out here...

i know you have experienced some therapy, and i seem to remember you also came across CBT... I don't recall whether you actually engaged in that branch of counselling...

 

But without wishing to preach, 'CBT bears more than a passing resemblance to some Buddhist philosophy, and it is no coincidence that it does, because Buddhism is all about training the mind.

The understanding and processing of the two types of suffering, or 'dual pain' I am referring to, was taught millennia ago by the Buddha to his followers, as the pain of two arrows.

 

"Now, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones, when touched with a feeling of pain, does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat his breast or become distraught. So he feels one pain: physical, but not mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, did not shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pain of only one arrow. In the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat his breast or become distraught. He feels one pain: physical, but not mental."

[january2011]

TaraMaiden, I'm so sorry.

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry, tried to edit the above post, which was a direct response to Ross....

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden, I'm so sorry.

 

Thank you so much my dearest, but really, don't be, please don't be.

 

Everything is fine, and in fact - as things turned out, I'm a far happier and content individual than he is.

 

[threebyfate]

You might want to delve a little further into the difference between introversion and extroversion.

 

The human mind is always seeking the dopamine reward. With extroverts, their brains find the shortest route to get the hit. With introverts, their brains utilize a more circuitous route. It's my understanding that with the different types, there are more dopamine receptors in the areas of the brain they utilize the most. It's also uncertain what components are related to nature and/or nurture.

 

Introverts lean towards internalizing and agonizing over pretty much everything and anything. It's a byproduct of how they process life which when utilized in a positive fashion can create solutions or draw conclusions based on deep thought.

 

But when the introverted individual can't moderate themselves, that's when it becomes self-destructive since they get trapped in cycling through every minor issue, whether self-flagellating or feeling victimized.

 

Extroverts seek external stimuli and information to process life. They're also wont to externalize stress and other negative emotions onto others, whether through venting or discussion. Extroverts are also more resilient due to larger social networks and the ability to "share the wealth" of their negative emotions with friends.

 

Where extroverts fall down is when they over-externalize issues, whether unnecessarily crapping on people around them when they're in a bad mood or finger pointing externally when they should be internalizing a portion if not all of the issue.

[pink_sugar]

I know what you mean. I've been self supporting since 18 and all of my friends still receive assistance from their parents for school and/or living costs. Me, I'm going to be in debt after finishing my education and broke because I'm barely paying bills for me and my unemployed husband.

[Shaun-Dro]

While I agree with you that we have free will and make our own choices, I have to disagree with you that whatever happens is just one's own fault. There are always external factors at play that influence the outcome.

 

Unless you're saying that it's the person's inability to maneuver around those external factors successfully is what causes the failure?

 

I assume you're referring to relationships. You only suffer if you've set the bar too high for a man to reach. That's being unrealistic. If you lower that freaking thing, your luck slowly but surely will begin to change.

 

Again, I stick by my opinion that women should never have trouble finding a suitable mate unless they're standing in their own way because you all have the dating power over us men, unfortunately.

[FitChick]

Karma's a bitch.

[HeavenOrHell]

If only it were that simple.

 

Try telling that to a mother watching her child die in Africa, or to someone who cannot get over being abused, no matter *how* hard they try.

 

We all react differently to horrible things, some will have ways of coping better with it, maybe because they grew up with solid foundations, or maybe they are just different genetically, maybe their circumstances or their support system means they have the strength of mind to get through it, and we all have differing character traits. Some people will cope far better with stressful things, this doesn't mean the people who react badly to stress are not trying hard enough or choosing to suffer, who would 'choose' to suffer?!

Some people are not able (for varying reasons and circumstances) or have the strength, for varying reasons, to respond in a positive way to stress.

 

Also, if someone has mental health problems these are often caused by things beyond our control and can mean a person does not cope as well with stress.

 

Some people who suffer a lot with depression and anxiety will battle to recover, some won't get help, and will feel unable to recover without support. Others will have a lot of support and still not recover.

 

Some people are more sensitive and emotional than others, something we're pretty much born with and our upbringing plays a part too, this will affect how we react to horrible things.

 

Anne Frank is very inspiring to me, she remained hopeful much of the time, despite everything, but maybe because she had solid foundations, and she was popular, well loved, she had strength of mind, she was amazing, but not everyone would have coped in the way she did, so many would have had their spirit broken, this does not mean they chose to suffer, chose not be positive, it just means everyone is different, everyone's circumstances, personality, background, genetics are different.

 

 

This is true... But it is THEIR responsibility how they respond to these things.

 

Bad things happen to good people all the time. One can choose to suffer, or to not suffer.