How do I tell my parents I can't stand their parenting style?

[Sugarkane]

My parents did nothing to help me grow up. Strict, autocratic and play favourites. Dad's verbally abusive and is allowed to scream and yell at us. Yet no one is allowed to do the same thing to him. His whole parenting style is "do as I say, not as I do". If we do something he doesn't like we get verbally abused. Yet if he does the same thing absolutely nothing gets said to him.

 

He lies all the time. Says no one leaves home at my age even though I'm in my mid 20s. Says you have to be married just to leave home, yet how come my aunt never married and she hasn't lived at home for decades?

 

Treats me half my age even though I've always done the right thing. Used o verbally abuse me for being a sheep. Yet hates his father and does everything "just because that's what my father did and that was good enough for us".

 

If we call him out on his lies, mum makes us apologize to him. But if he verbally abuses us, she doesn't nothing.

[Sugarkane]

In conclusion I can't stand them.

[CC12]

Why haven't you moved out?

[Sugarkane]

- Lack of money

-I wanted to go back to school somehow

- crap advice from therapist

[Professor X]

Sorry, but you just can't criticize him. It's his way of parenting and unless you grew up to be an ugly (on the inside) adult, there's a chance he did a good job.

 

And what you hastily define as verbally abuse, could easily be just his way to show the borders he won't allow you to cross as long as you live with him.

 

Does he curse you? Swear at you?

 

Just learn to live with him as it is, cross as few paths as you can with him and that's it.

 

Sorry, but I am not that older than you, however I think you should respect your parents and learn how to keep your mouth shut sometimes and just let things slide, unless they do something really bad.

[CC12]

- Lack of money

 

Since they're providing for you and putting a roof over your head, you're not really in a position to tell them that you can't stand their parenting style. It's kind of a trade off - they get to be unfair dickheads, and you don't have to pay your own way.

 

-I wanted to go back to school somehow

 

Are you in school now?

 

- crap advice from therapist

 

Find a new one.

 

I don't want to minimize your experiences with your parents. It sucks that they're unfair to you and I'm sure it's had an impact on you, but you're an adult and you have the power to support yourself and be independent.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's a lost cause to speak truth to that kind of power. They might take some criticism to heart from a disinterested party but to their own offspring they usually rationalize all manner of reasoning that lets them off the hook and makes you look like an ungrateful wretch. Been there down that. It only made me look like I was in "crisis" instead of me getting to the bottom of a a truly sick scenario. My advice it that parents are impenetrable. That's not to say they can't be led slowly to question themselves but even at that it isdifficult because to them they stacked reality in a way that they defend that they truly believe was in your favor no matter how wrong they were.

[Kamille]

At least you know better than to believe the insults - or that women can't live on their own.

 

You're in your twenties, and likely working from the sounds of it.

 

Make a plan... Either the one that will get you on your own and independent or the one that will have you studying. (In your shoes, I would pick a short program that would land me a good job, so that I can move out of the house ASAP).

[bean1]

Children in your situation are 'victims'. Adults, mid-20's? You are now a volunteer. If you don't like it, then leave. Complaining about their parenting style - well, do you think they are suddenly going to change? Obviously you come from a stricter family and there is one solution: leave. Like the rest of us who came from abusive households. Quite honestly, you are too old too be complaining about this. Sorry, but if you want things to change in life, you need to change it yourself and not wait for the world to change.

[KathyM]

My parents did nothing to help me grow up. Strict, autocratic and play favourites. Dad's verbally abusive and is allowed to scream and yell at us. Yet no one is allowed to do the same thing to him. His whole parenting style is "do as I say, not as I do". If we do something he doesn't like we get verbally abused. Yet if he does the same thing absolutely nothing gets said to him.

 

He lies all the time. Says no one leaves home at my age even though I'm in my mid 20s. Says you have to be married just to leave home, yet how come my aunt never married and she hasn't lived at home for decades?

 

Treats me half my age even though I've always done the right thing. Used o verbally abuse me for being a sheep. Yet hates his father and does everything "just because that's what my father did and that was good enough for us".

 

If we call him out on his lies, mum makes us apologize to him. But if he verbally abuses us, she doesn't nothing.

It's time to move out of your parents' home and start living like an independent adult. Until you do that, they will continue to treat you like a child.

[RiverRunning]

Coming from a verbally abusive family myself, I can understand it's no fun. Given your age, I'm going to assume you're not just playing up fair criticism from your dad, but rather that he is that difficult to live with.

 

If you go back to school, surely there's an office or something at the school that can help you find roommates (or simply they just have dorms). When I was going to school, my campus didn't have dorms. However, the school had a 'housing authority' with links to people searching for roommates or people renting out rooms. Back then, I could rent a room for about $200 - $300 USD, utilities included. Depending on your other fees - a car, food, phone/Internet, etc., you may not need to earn more than $1k a month to be out on your own.

 

I'm somewhat big in the work-at-home community. The plus side is that you can fairly easily find work that way - usually at least making minimum wage while working full-time, depending on your productivity. If you're interested, PM me.

 

That aside, talk to friends. Anybody else interested in moving out? Maybe you could find a large, cheap house to rent out with everyone?

[Sugarkane]

From this experience if I ever become a parent, not I know I don't want to be like them at all. How do I tell them that it affects my dating life? They think that you have to be married just to leave home. But guess what? I keep getting rejected by guys COZ I live at home.

 

My dad flat out lies, like all the time. His own sister never married and she hasn't lived at home in decades. He always claims he understands, but obviously not. If I could swap my dad for his easy going sister, I wouldn't even think twice about it. As his family all hate each other, we never see them.

[Professor X]

From this experience if I ever become a parent, not I know I don't want to be like them at all. How do I tell them that it affects my dating life? They think that you have to be married just to leave home. But guess what? I keep getting rejected by guys COZ I live at home.

 

My dad flat out lies, like all the time. His own sister never married and she hasn't lived at home in decades. He always claims he understands, but obviously not. If I could swap my dad for his easy going sister, I wouldn't even think twice about it. As his family all hate each other, we never see them.

The lies you described earlier are not lies, just his way of seeing things. Sorry, but you're at the wrong here.

 

Also, you can't compare your dad to his sister, why do you care how it is there?? That's how 14yo kids think. She isn't perfect either.

 

So again, his house, his rules, you can't undermine him, nothing you say will help, especially with his views. You could try a calm, rational dialog, but that probably won't work.

 

P.S. You actually got rejected cause guys told you you live with your parents? they actually said those exact words?

[Sugarkane]

My dad is the biggest hypocrite ever. He will scream and verbally you for something. And then do the same thing himself 5 minutes later. He also says he's like his sister, but isn't at all. If I grew up and god forbid left home and had kids young like my cousins, I'm 200% positive he would call me swear words.

[Sugarkane]

I actually feel like hunting my aunt down. But I don't know if that's even possible. Just because she's the complete opposite of my father and grandfather.

[Kamille]

Words are just words and you can't let your dad's anger control your decisions.

 

I do find it odd that you put "growing up" in the future. Aren't you in your twenties now? Isn't that old enough to be able to make your own decisions and support yourself?

 

As to your aunt, there's no shame in getting in touch with her. How you would approach this so as to minimize provoking a family feud I have no idea.

[Professor X]

I actually feel like hunting my aunt down. But I don't know if that's even possible. Just because she's the complete opposite of my father and grandfather.

 

This is just pointless. Are you 14? Why you trying to cause drama?? Your father is as is and you either accept it or move out. You don't go find your aunt to leech off her, that's just wrong. Not to mention that I doubt she'd be willing to provide for you given your age and the fact that your house isn't such a bad place to live in.

[turnera]

No offense, but you're talking like a 15-year-old. A 20-something should be maturing and gaining a broader perspective of life and of people. Your parents are who they are; they just do what THEY were trained to do. You're reaching outside that and learning better skills, but that doesn't mean they should.

 

Love them just for being your parents, keep your distance, and start taking steps to live and perform like an adult. As you take those steps and ignore their words, you'll gain the wisdom and strength to move forward no matter what they say (as people your age should be doing).

[Els]

Well, if you want to receive their sponsorship, it is a choice, is it not? You have to bear with the consequences of it.

 

IME, no point arguing with parents who have an extremely set in stone mindset. You just try to distance yourself reasonably so that you can coexist and keep the relationship going without fireworks flying. If you feel you cannot bear the way they are treating you anymore, you do have the choice of taking a job and moving out.

[setsenia]

Your dad sounds like my dad and your mom sounds like my husband's mom. My husband's mom was extremely passive and let her husband rule her son around even though he never raised my husband. She also complained about her mom being passive when she was a child, yet she does the same thing with her own son?

 

I also agree you cannot really tell them anything unless you are living on your own and they are still treating you that way. You may tell them you don't like being treated that way, but as far as their parenting style they probably won't care what you have to say because in their mind they think they know what's best. My dad is also this way. There is no reasoning with some people.

[bean1]

You talk like you are still a child.

 

You said people don't want to date those who live with parents - umm no. People don't want to date people who live with their parents and still act like they are children.

 

You are old enough to get a job, buy a car, go to war, drink alcohol, get married, have children, get a mortgage... but you act like you are a 10 year old who has no power and has some sort of fixation with the way your parents behave.

 

THAT is what will scare people off. Someone who lives with their parents to get through university but still act 'adult' do not scare off dates.

 

I do agree your parents may have done something wrong, in the sense that they obviously enable your dependence in an unhealthy manner.

 

Hey, I am a mom. I am also your age. If my son doesn't like my parenting and has a rational argument for me at 15, I'll listen and decide if what he says has any merit. At 25, he can move out and pay his own damn bills if he doesn't like it.

[Sugarkane]

How do I act like a child?! What The hell? I'm the one that tries to talk to them calmly- adult to adult. Yet all I get from them is yelling and verbal abuse. I also wouldn't play favorites all the time if I had kids. I'm not asking to live with my aunt, maybe I just want to talk to someone who doesn't tell her adult children lies and not to grow up. She also isn't a vetbally abusive control freak. My dad is seriously controlling. He even tells my mum step by step how to cook, drive etc etc when she's been doing these things for decades. It's pretty easy for you to call me names, when you've never met my dad.

[Sugarkane]

If uli have children I'm not going to treat them half their age. And I'm not going to be verbally abusive, when my kid tries to talk to me adult to adult.

[StripeyShirt]

It seems a bit childish to want to tell them you dont like their parenting styles. At this stage of your life, you should have the maturity to understand that the best course of action for you is to disengage and keep yourself to yourself. If this is an impossible situation in which to live, then you need to find ways to leave. It is immature to expect them to change.

 

No, it is not right to be treated with disrespect or rudeness. But you do have choices here.

[turnera]

How do I act like a child?!

By making statements like these, which I guarantee you don't naturally come out of the mouths of fully matured adults:

 

My parents did nothing to help me grow up. (no, they just paid for your food and housing and clothes and school materials)

 

scream and yell at us. Yet no one is allowed to do the same thing to him. (adults don't need permission to do anything; they don't have to be 'allowed')

 

mum makes us apologize to him. (no one can make an adult do anything)

 

I keep getting rejected by guys COZ I live at home. (really? adults look at themselves honestly and don't make excuses for why they are unsuccessful in relationships)

 

My dad is the biggest hypocrite ever. (so? how does that affect an adult? an adult would accept what other people are, and deal with it accordingly)

 

Look, I'm not trying to trash you, but to get you to think a little. You ARE still thinking like you were 15. That's really not all that unusual; it takes a long time for children to mature and grow out of their teen way of thinking. And if you aren't getting opportunities to think for yourself, solve your own problems, experience adult situations - and you don't seem to be in a position to do any of that - you aren't going to LEARN to think like an adult.

But what better time than now? Go to your college and post an ad for looking for a roommate (or 3) and find a way to afford your own place. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your happiness.