I know this is a long one but please read, I need advice!

[anneanne]

Hopefully someone can give me advice. About 1 year ago my fiance went out very late and came home completely drunk and I just had this "feeling" something was not right. The next day or so he had left is email open and I saw one from a girl that I have never fully trusted him with. I opened the email and found out that he did fool around with her that night at a bar (I guess this means they didn't have sex if it was in a public place??) I decided to let it go since I was being sneaky too by looking at his email. Of course I have thought about it now and again. He has continued to be friends with her and everytime they see each other I just deal with it. This seemed to be working until about a month ago we had a party that went pretty late into the night. Everyone had left but her! So it was just the 3 of us and I wasn't having the best time so I said I was going to bed. I woke up around 6:00 am and they were both gone. He came in around 7:00 and I asked where they went and what they did. He said all they did was drive around and he ended up falling asleep in her car so she brought him home. I wasn't happy about this so I politely told him I wasn't sure how I felt about their friendship. I couldn't stop imagining what went on. I remembered seeing a notebook on our desk once that had all of his log in & password info. I had to find out if something happened. I found his email information and opened his account and low and behold there were a few emails from her. One was him telling her that he got in trouble for staying out the other night with her. But the latest one was telling her he may not be able to make it to her party because I wouldn't want him to go. Her response was "What if we promise to be only friends from here on out? It would be difficult for me but worth it"

What should I do? Tell him I snuck into his email or just let it go? I would really appreciate any advice.

Thank you!!

[supergirl79]

Okay, you said this guy is your fiancee and you're worried about checking his email? And you know he's cheating? I guess you're a bit more understand than I, but the first make-out session the bar would have done it for me and he'd be out the door. And to let it continue? I guess I do not agree with this at all - but you seem to be okay, like it doesn't bother you that much. Sweetheart, he was messing around with another woman, more than once, and you're okay giving your life to this man? NO WAY!

 

About approaching him with the email, that's tough because I"ve done that and it's only made things worse - but for one reason. I confronted him with it, he admitted that he did it (since I had proof), but he didn't cheat on me (that i know of, I guess). However, in your situation, if you confront him with this email, he's going to get defensive and no longer trust you and more than likely, change his password and then you'll never know. I guess you need to determine you're breaking point - are you willing to stay with this person until he DOES sleep with someone? Or, do you think maybe you should cut your losses now, because he obviously isn't going to stop seeing this girl (even as friends). What an uncomfortable situation - and to be honest, there is NO WAY I would have left him and her in your house alone while I go to bed! I guess my advice is, if you approach him, you better be ready to take some action (which I think you need to!!) - and let him know that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior nor should he be friends with that woman anymore.

 

I sypmathize with you, I've been going through some similar things - good luck!

[savethedrama4allama]

What should you do? Dump his a**!

Tell him that you saw the emails so that he knows he is defnitely busted and doesn't waste the time trying to lie or win you back.

Listen, I know its hard to hear, but from what you have written it is very clear that he is taking advantage of you.

[Fayebelle]

Savethedrama knows what she's talking about- check her thread! This dude is unworthy and he and his sneaky pal deserve each other. What a couple of snakes!

[anneanne]

I think you all sound right. This is messed up. Not only are we engaged but we also own a house together. I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. This probably sounds like I am in some sort of denial but I truly think these are the only 2 incidents this has happed since we've been together because they are the only times he has stayed out so late without me. Other times he has gone out without me have been with our "couple" friends who I know would have kicked his ass if he was messing around with some other girl. I think I need to check his email once more later tonight to see what his response is to her saying "it would be hard to just be friends but worth it" then make a desicion on what to do. I will let you all know what I find out later tonight.

Thank you for the quick responses!

[savethedrama4allama]

Please keep us posted, AnneAnne. Just remember, even if he only did it twice, its 2 too many times.

And if you feel bad for looking in his email...its just like the police and search warrants. They don't need one if they have reasonable suspicion that there is something illegal going on. If he acts suspiciously, some light snooping to make sure he isn't cheating and won't give you an STD or something- there is no shame in that game.

Good luck.

[anne]

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to wait until I read his repsonse to her email that said "we can try to just be friends, it will be difficult...". I know he has read this email from her but still has not responded. I guess there is a very small amount of hope that maybe he will tell her he can't see her anymore. Either way I am hoping he responds by this weekend, I am not sure how long I can wait. I will keep you posted and am sure I will need more advice when I find out what his email is to her.Thank again.

[anneanne]

Sorry for not writing sooner! Everytime I tried to reply it would tell me I wasn't registered. I guess it likes me better today:) thank you all for your advice. I have decided to wait until I find out what his reponse to her last email is (the one that says they can try to be just friends, although it would be difficult..). I know he has read it just hasn't replied yet. I hope he writes her this weekend, I am not sure how long I can wait! I will let you all know & I am sure I will need more advice.Thanks again.

[HoldOn]

Anneanne, I know you are waiting to see if he writes her back. But do you want to spend the rest of your life sneaking around and checking up on him? Wondering where he is, what (who) he is doing? I know it's hard to leave someone and start anew, but you never know what wonderful, caring, faithful man might be out there if you don't give yourself the chance for real happiness.

[anneanne]

I know, I am not going to wait long. He doesn't spend every minute on email like I do but weekends he usually does. I am just set on waiting to see what he says. It's not easy to be with him though so I knwo I can't wait too long otherwise he will knwo something is up.

[HoldOn]

I don't really understand what you are waiting for. Don't you already know he cheated? Don't you already know that he has been seeing her behind your back for a year?

 

You know that saying that if you see 1 cockroach, there are 100 more hiding. Well, you can't watch him all the time and you probably don't even know the half of it. I hope I am not telling you something that you don't already suspect.

 

This guy is no good. You deserve better.

[Debster]

I think you are dreaming if you think it is only two times. The first time happened one year ago. And 1 month ago you think something happened again. If he cheated one year ago what makes you think he all of a sudden got a conscience and then slipped up again?

 

The fact that you don't trust him and have to resort to checking up on him is enough in my opinion to not marry him. Is this how you want to spend your life? That you think he cheated on you twice - seals the deal. Who gives a crap what he writes back to her. I think you are just denying what your gut is telling you and grasping at straws.

 

I do wish you all the best.

[Debster]

BTW, I know people who have had sex in a public place. I also know people who have had sex in a car after the bar or gone to the other person's house after the bar. You have no idea what really took place 1 year ago. Just like you have no idea what took place 1 month ago.

 

If they only fooled around twice in 1 year - it would not be difficult for her to be 'just friends' with him.

[twalkoe]

Anne,

 

COME ON!!!

 

You own a house with this guy...you're engaged to be married! You have two of the biggest committments that people make right in your face and you're worried about him being mad if you're checking his email.

 

When you get married the justice says you will share your life in sickness and in health...but your email account is private???!!!!

 

I'm not trying to sound sarcastic, but this is crazy...and sister, this just has to be eating you up waiting for the response!

 

The facts are that he cheated. You know he cheated. Figure it out and stop denying it and waiting to see if it'll go away. Cuz...it won't. If not this chic someone else.

 

There are certain times in your life that it just has to be real. He has to get real and so do you...even if the outcome is not what you want. If he wants to be messing around because of whatever the reason is...he's just plain not ready. If you love him and want to try to work this out, he needs to understand that there are boundaries, and he has definitely crossed one.

 

All I can think of is ... "this has got to be messing you up". I feel for you and I'll be thinking of you...

[jmargel]

Why are you waiting on his reply to the email? He easily could have called her. You don't trust him, so you really have to think about if you want to marry this guy. You need to have security in a relationship, and right now there isn't any. You were hurt enough to check his email, you have a distrust in him. That in itself is only bad if he hasn't done or shown things to make you upset. That however, isn't the case. He's hurt you, and has let another person in on his life that should only be shared with you.

 

Sounds like you are a submissive person. You need to have confidence in yourself, and not to be co-dependant on him. He is the one risking the relationship, not you. Tell him everything. If he's going to try to turn the tables on you by you snooping, then it shows he has something to hide. That's he's not dealing with the true issue at hand.