Do you think this is a red flag?

[Pyrannaste]

Do you think that a sentence like "since you are so jealous and you get upset with me when I really have done nothing, perhaps I should start to cheat on you" is a red flag?

Or does it really mean nothing?

[neptoon]

It depends on the context under which he made the statement.

 

Have you been accusing him of cheating a lot or did he just say that out of the blue when you made one comment?

[Pyrannaste]

It is the third or fourth time he says it in about a year, when we are arguing about my jealousy.

The other times I was telling him that when he used to go to fraternity meetings where the girls who belonged to the frat went naked/without underwear it was very like cheating in my book. I believe in "visual cheating" when the clothesless girls you were looking at are friends of yours.

This time he was telling me that I'll end up being jealous of friends and I mentioned a friend of his who once sent him sexy pics...I told him that he can bet I'll be jealous of friends if they act like that.

[HoldOn]

Pyrannaste

 

I just wanted to comment on your situation because it seems so sad to me. Regardless of what his actions are, his job as your boyfriend should be to make you feel better, not worse.

 

I once dated a man who would disappear until the wee hours of the morning, like 5:00 or 7:00. He made me feel stupid for questioning where he was and why he couldn't call. It's really his fault for doing all these things. Any normal girl would FREAK out if her boyfriend is hanging out with naked chicks. If they were strippers it would be better, but these are normal coeds who are just there to have a good time!

 

You know it is a red flag, otherwise you wouldn't have asked the question. My ex-bf made me think that I was sooo stupid for questioning him and wanting him to call if he would be more than an hour late. I was being so controlling and who could live up to my totally unreasonable expectations. (sarcasm).

 

Anyway, you cannot imagine the relief when we broke up and I realized that I was not the crazy one for having mild expectations of my guy. Now I am dating someone who ALWAYS makes sure I know that I am Number One! (Plus he is always on time and very reliable) And that is what I need. Other women may not care if their men are 5 hours late in the middle of the night or hang out with naked chicks, but I DO!

 

Moral of the story is: YOU get to decide what you will put up with and what you will not. Everyone is different, but your standards are not too high. Your boyfriend should respect your wishes and try to reassure you not belittle you for your totally reasonable expectations of a boyfriend.

[myrias]

Well... I don't know your boyfriend, how he reacts to attacks. Some people when feel attacked they try to hurt back, not really meaning it but like some kind of revenge.

 

For example, some months ago me and my boyfriend were going through some thought times, arguments every week and lots of suspicion on my side. I made him feel guilty although he hadn't actually done anything, only very different behaviour from what I would do. One day we had a very stupid argument. We were living temporary in a flat my grandmother has that was free at the time, until our flat was ready and I was supposed to sleep in another town (where I work). Some things changed and I was going home.

 

So I IM him and tell him I'm going home. He says he doesn't have enough food at home and I should have dinner somewhere before going home. I was arriving late at home and he too, he works until late, so none of us had the time to go to the supermarket. If it was me I would have sugested that we would go somewhere. But he reacted differently and told me to eat alone before going home. I was really pissed. He didn't think it was much a big deal, and looking back I also don't. But we had a huge argument because of it.

 

And he was so pissed that he wanted "revenge". So he emailed a friend to sugest that they live together and that he would break up with me, he was tired of discussions. He didn't mean it, and when the friend called back to talk about the details, he said it was just airing, he didn't want to be away from me. I only read the email two months later and since I didn't know about the explanation I was heart-broken. But I talked to him and he explained everything.

 

Maybe this doesn't have much to do with your case, but I think sometimes people say things to hurt the other when they don't mean it. And it can hurt your boyfriend if you wrongfuly accuse him of cheating. Maybe he says that just to hurt you back. Or maybe he means it, but you're the only one who knows his reactions to accusations. Does he usually reacts when being accused of anything?

[tiki]

Pyra -

 

Evaluate it from this perspective...If you ARE giving him constant hell about "ABC" and he's gonna catch hell about "ABC" whether or not he does "ABC", wouldn't you just DO "ABC" if it were something halfway enjoyable?

 

What I'm saying is that if he's being blamed either way, I can see his perspective. Be selective about blaming him for "ABC".

 

To answer your question directly, NO, I don't think it's a red flag that he's made this statement. I think it's a red flag that you keep blaming/accusing him of "ABC" (if, in fact you are). I love my man dearly and I've made the same threat. If you're gonna keep giving me hell about it, I'm gonna do it - since I'm already catching hell (IF it's something I'm interested in doing). I look at like it's me saying "Zip it until you catch me doin it, I AIN'T doin it!"

 

Does that help?

[HoldOn]

I forgot to mention that I have read your previous posts about your boyfriend's behavior and I guess that is what I am referring to mostly in my post.

 

The naked frat parties are so out of line that I think you are justified in being jealous. However, you can't change a person and you can't make him stop doing something he wants to do, especially by nagging him. In my mind, a girl only has two choices. 1.) Accept the behavior and be supportive OR 2.) break up with him because you can't handle it.

 

I just wanted to tell you that it's normal and reasonable to be jealous of him hanging out with other naked girls.

[Pyrannaste]

Thank you for your imputs and opinions!!!

 

 

Tikibrandy,

it is actually more like I am blaming him for ABC and he is threatening to do DEF.

I blamed him for 'looking'(ABC), which he thinks is harmless and I don't. To him if he does ABC he is not really doing anything bad, it's just me being over-jealous, to me it is almost like cheating. While DEF (physical cheating) is something we both agree is *very* bad.

So he was saying "since you are blaming me for ABC (being in company of half naked/naked female friends, allowing my female friends to send me sexy pics) and you are almost acting like I did DEF(cheating), I might as well do DEF".

 

myrias,

Does he usually reacts when being accused of anything?

Tough one.

I never accused him of physical cheating, only of things that were bad to me and harmless to him. And that would be harmless to some people and bad to others.

Some people when feel attacked they try to hurt back, not really meaning it but like some kind of revenge.

I really hope it is the same case with my bf! If he was saying it because he was upset but not meaning it, I guess I don't have to worry about it. Thanks also for the story of your bf's email.

 

HoldOn, thanks for your support, and for calling my expectations reasonable.

Lately I have some problems telling what is 'normal' and what is not. I am still trying to figure out if it's me being very over-jealous and controlling or if my jealousy is about average. I know that theorically it is me and only me who has to decide what I'll put up with, but hearing that also other girls would not put up with the same things means quite a lot to me.

[tiki]

Ahhh, that clarifies it. This guy scares me. He has scared me since I read your Fraternity party wet t-shirt competition post. He's obviously irrational. I'd done flipped my lid.

[HoldOn]

You have written in other posts that your bf likes to talk about his ex, like she is some kind of Goddess and your bf goes to parties where the girls in the fraternity "get naked in front of him, and stay naked in front of him (and all others frat members) , while doing 'mockeries of sexual stuff' like lap dances(naked), body painting, a girl licking chocolate from another girl's body(and they were both totally naked) because in their frat it is normal from that kind of stuff to happen. ..I happen to *hate* any woman who has been doing stuff like giving a blowjob to a beer bottle while *totally naked* in front of my boyfriend (and other guys to even breath the same air as him, so this is way I am alrady feeling upset for a party. For a *oh, damn, it's only a pool party*. "

 

Ok, anyone would be insecure if this were happening. I think the red flag is that your bf doesn't care about your feelings. I can't predict whether he is going to take it further and actually cheat on you, but these are NOT good signs. Trust your instincts.

 

Anyway, I would break up with a guy if he were acting like this. I haven’t always felt this way, but I have become more wise in my old age! A good BF makes you feel good, not bad.

 

Good luck!

[tiki]

good points holdon...

 

pyra...look at the *big* picture. This guy isn't doing you right in[color=red] many [/color]aspects. Weigh those out with the good. Is he worth your time over all? Step back and take a look at what this punk is putting you through.

 

I don't know what country you are from, but where I'm from, the crap he's pulled is unacceptable. I believe it may even be ILLEGAL (girls getting buck naked putting on performances). You deserve better. I don't know you, but I do know that.