falling out of love...i think

[Zoey]

Interesting advice from everyone.

 

I feel the need to defend myself somewhat. It is difficult to follow my train of thought from the very worst of our relationship (before now) which was posted on the internet to where our relationship has been since last fall/winter. How can I explain that I fell back in love with him??? Actually, that isn't quite what happened...what happened was that I realized that I really did love him. I realized that although he pissed me off at times, those were petty arguments and not deal breakers. I realized that there were thousands of things I loved about him, that I didn't find in other guys. I did NOT string him along (well, maybe for a little while last year...but I came back with my heart in my hands).

 

I do think that every relationship goes through doubts, especially when you are young, of marriagable age, and have been dating someone for an extended period of time. Also, there are so many external factors that can effect you and thereby effect your relationship that sometimes you need to take a step back and sort out the external things from the relationship so that you can get a clear picture. I think that is what my boy is doing now.

 

But, I also agree that in the end, relationships are boiled down to a choice. You chose that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone. No one is perfect and you should never break up with someone because of stupid petty things.

 

So over the last week I have been constantly thinking about this...I am trying to imagine what it would be like if he never comes back. I am trying to imagine myself with another guy. I can't even think what kind of guy I would be attracted to. I keep thinking about Christmas and how I hope we will be back together by then so that we can go camping together...

 

What scares me is the reality that it will be weeks/maybe months before I hear from him. Even now, I am trying to prepare myself for the reality that he won't call this weekend. How do I deal with not hearing from him for a whole month??? Plus, what the hell would we talk about? ALl I'd want to know is, 1) do you love me again yet?, 2) are you dating anyone?

3) did you sleep with anyone during this time?

 

I am consoling myself by thinking that he is just as sad as me right now, and that maybe he is super confused, sad and lonely. But again, like mom said, I need him to be in a good place emotional before he realize that I am the one thing that will make him whole.

 

I wish there were more people on here who had actually gotten back together with a BF/GF after a break-up. How does that work? How long do I have to wait? What is a reasonable amount of time before I can expect that he will have made up his mind? I feel like maybe a month...but, then with every passing day after that point that it because increasingly less likely. But who am I to guess?

[Peak99]

Gosh, I don't know if reading all these posts makes me feel comfort to know other people are going through the same confusion and mix of feelings that I am, or hurdling me back into feelings that I once thought I resolved...

 

Zoey, It is going to take all the strength in the world in order for you to keep it together. You want to and know you should stand tall, hold your head up high, and move on to aspects of your life that you knew were there. But you will tend to feel like you want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while and realize that your "life" has become, in the past few years, "our" life, and you've lost your individual identity.

 

I know you want to run your head around what he is up to, if he has been seeing anyone, or <<gasp>> sleeping with anyone. Thinking about these things will hurt, but I suggest you find support elsewhere, friends, family, anyone you can talk to about your old BF and the things that you used to talk to your BF about.

 

Slowly but surely, when you're at least mildly distracted, you'll find moments where you didn't think about him, for even a short time. These short instances will grow and grow, until you can sufficiently take the time to enjoy yourself without guilt or thought about another entity.

 

I admire you for your strength and resolve, and your quest to give him space, which ultimately is undertaking the difficult task of taming your heart with your head.

 

Good Luck, Stay Strong, We're here for you

[Rocko]

Zoey,

 

Try to stay in a positive light about all this. I am going to be honest when I say that he probably does indeed love you, but needs time to sort things out. Yes, there is quite a good chance he will date someone to compare things. And yes, it will be tough to handle (going through the same thing, I feel your pain).

 

Feed and nourish yourself in the meantime, and try to let go. I know its easier said than done, but right now the ball is in his court. Being in your shoes, I honestly can say that a short-term reconciliation will not last, but a longer-term reconciliation would. You want 100% of him, and not anything less than that.

 

Stay true to yourself, and don't let this setback take its toll on you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I wish there were more people on here who had actually gotten back together with a BF/GF after a break-up. How does that work? How long do I have to wait? What is a reasonable amount of time before I can expect that he will have made up his mind? I feel like maybe a month...but, then with every passing day after that point that it because increasingly less likely. But who am I to guess?

 

They don't exist here, because why would they come back to a breakup site? They're happy and whole again. But in all honesty one month is short-term. I would honestly say 6 months to over a year.

[Zoey]

Whoa. that is such a long time!!! But, I think you are right. If it is a serious re-thinking period, then that's what it needs to be...serious. If not, the relationship could lapse back into whatever it was that was causing the problems in the first place.

 

So anyway...I was reading my horoscope this morning, and this is one the things it said: obstructions are simply puzzles that need to be figured out, rather than the end of the world.

I thought this to be very sage advice coming from an internet horoscope.

 

So, I'm trying to change my attitude from "my life is going to end w/o him!" to one that embodies the above horoscope. Really, right now this is an obstruction. We are both working on figuring it out, and the BF thought it best if we do that separatly and in our own way. Maybe we will both work out the puzzle to the same result...maybe not. But at least we will have comfort in knowing that it was our OWN result...not one that we felt pressured into, or one that just came along and we went with it.

[Rocko]

Taurus' Unite!!!!

[Zoey]

Ha! you're the best, Rocko.

[sundrop]

Taurus' Unite!!!!

 

 

I love us hard headed Taurus'...

[queenie01]

You guys are awesome..

Zoey I totally agree with you that all parties in the relationship go thru a period of doubt, i know i did but being that i was older than my bf i was able to look past the petty bs that worried me and see him for who he really is.

As Rocko said, perfection isnt love, being able to look beyond your SO imperfections is...

That is the truth...a lot of people dont see it that way just yet..takes some time.

My ex wasnt perfect, and neither am i but we were good together. I was not willing to throw the towel in because it got boring or the spark was gone, for God sake that is going to happen in every relationship. Its how compatable you are and the fact that you dont fight and you are there for each other...etc..thats love.

I also agree with Rockos statement about it taking 6months to a year...often people think the grass is greener but normally isnt not. I am still hoping that my ex comes around and lets us try again because our relationship was awesome and he just got spooked and broke up with me out of the blue because of doubts he was having but its been 4 months and still nothing... but i dont think he is dating anyone..so that may be good!

[HURTANDCONFUSED81]

Thank you for your post Zoey. Im going through the EXACT same thing..except I hurt him too. We were together for 2 years...It was hard because he coudlnt find a job for 1.5 years after college and I parents disapproved of him for that....now he just got a job and he realizeds he wants to see wahts out there. It hurts I know...but then again Ive never given him space and we've never been apart. Keep me posted I can learn from you!

[Rocko]

I'm in the same boat as all of you (only difference is I'm male). My ex and I are both young (19 and 18, respectively). I guess she was afraid she might have been making a mistake being in a long term relationship without much experience. So right now, she's exploring. And so am I, although we are doing it in different ways. Myself, I work on defining who I am and what I want in both my life and my love-life. She, on the other hand, is dating around, living life through experience. I respect that decision, we're both young and are in the process of maturing into the adults we will become. I agree with Zoey that people experience doubt in any long-term relationship, and must be able to see things from a third perspective in order to assess how good it was. Happy Relationship Paranoia exists!

 

I Think the best way to handle this situation is to not be mopey about it, but instead to be progressive. Instead of being negative, lets be positive. Lets explore as well. Date if you want. If you don't want to date, at least take a good look at the men around you and see what qualities you like. Do things you could not previously do in a relationship. Renew your love of yourself. Make sure you're proud of not only who you are but what you've accomplished. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone better....Or maybe you'll find out that your ex and you were meant to be. He's exploring, so why not get your exploring done at the same time as well? Perhaps even come back to each other 100%.

 

Lets all be strong about this. In 5 - 10 years down the line we'll look back and be proud of what we did and what we overcame. It only gets better folks.

 

"Taureans are known for being level-headed and solid...tenacious and resilient."

 

We'll survive. Thats who we are.

 

- Rocko

[Fallen_Angel]

I know I'm raining on the parade...

 

...but my ex is a Taurus.

[Zoey]

I'm in the same boat as all of you (only difference is I'm male). My ex and I are both young (19 and 18, respectively). - Rocko

 

Rocko, I think you have excellent advice, and good, strong, clear thinking about this matter. I commend you. Especially for being so young.

 

Here's some unsolicited advice to you from one Taurus to a younger Taurus:

Although people do find the loves of their lives when they are still in their teens, these are very rare instances. Alot of my friends are starting to get married now (I'm 25) and many of those married their girlfriend/boyfriend that they met in the dorms freshman year, and even some who were HS boyfriend/girlfriend. However, I have MANY more friends whose HS and college relationships fizzle out. It's not that it is impossible, but if your relationship makes it, then consider yourself an exception to the rule.

 

But, on a personal level, I had a very special boyfriend in that time of my life who I still think quite fondly of. We are in very different places in our lives right now, but I still care about him....I'm not in love with him by any means, but he will always be dear to me.

 

Honestly, being that you are so young, please take this time to think about your future. This is exactly the age where you don't want to give up an opportunity just because of a relationship. Really concentrate on your classes and think about what you want to do when you graduate, what kind of internships, etc. Plan for your future without the attached strings of your girl, and if she happens to come back and her life plan fits into your life plan, then go for it. But, really, make YOU the priority. That's what I'm doing.

 

Of course, who am I to give advice, huh? take this all with a grain of salt b/c I obviously couldn't make it work with my boy,

[Zoey]

Oh yeah, one more thought -

 

it's important to think about YOU right now, because otherwise you may spend your whole college with this chick and one day wake up and wonder why? And then, after wasting all your college meshing your life with another, you suddenly have to pull out, disentangle yourself, and rediscover who you are and if/how your life fits with that girl.

 

So far, the most important thing I'm learning from my break with the BF is how important it is to maintain YOU while in a relationship. People do it differently. In my instance, I really needed to maintain more independence, and stay tight with my girlfriends. It's always a delicate balance, and it's always hard to say no to hanging out with the new BF/GF in favor of the true friends, but if you don't then YOU gets lost in US.

(I'm so glad that I went through this already and can kinda imagine how the BF must be thinking/feeling).

 

And! I talked to my bro about this last night, and he said that he broke up with his current wife while they were dating because he didn't think he "loved" her. They broke up for 3 and half months. Then they got back together, and were engaged within the year.

 

So, I am hanging on, I'm hoping.

 

In my heart of hearts, I *know* we will get back together.

[Rocko]

Rocko, I think you have excellent advice, and good, strong, clear thinking about this matter. I commend you. Especially for being so young.

 

Here's some unsolicited advice to you from one Taurus to a younger Taurus:

Although people do find the loves of their lives when they are still in their teens, these are very rare instances. Alot of my friends are starting to get married now (I'm 25) and many of those married their girlfriend/boyfriend that they met in the dorms freshman year, and even some who were HS boyfriend/girlfriend. However, I have MANY more friends whose HS and college relationships fizzle out. It's not that it is impossible, but if your relationship makes it, then consider yourself an exception to the rule.

 

But, on a personal level, I had a very special boyfriend in that time of my life who I still think quite fondly of. We are in very different places in our lives right now, but I still care about him....I'm not in love with him by any means, but he will always be dear to me.

 

Honestly, being that you are so young, please take this time to think about your future. This is exactly the age where you don't want to give up an opportunity just because of a relationship. Really concentrate on your classes and think about what you want to do when you graduate, what kind of internships, etc. Plan for your future without the attached strings of your girl, and if she happens to come back and her life plan fits into your life plan, then go for it. But, really, make YOU the priority. That's what I'm doing.

 

Of course, who am I to give advice, huh? take this all with a grain of salt b/c I obviously couldn't make it work with my boy,

 

You are completely right when you say I should keep my options open in regards to all aspects of my life. I actually am planning on doing just as you say. It's funny but.. perhaps that was one of the beauties of my ex. She and I are both very goal-oriented people and always pushed each other to do our very best. I can honestly say this has played a part in the termination of our relationship, with her being off in a Pre-Pharmacy program, while I am in a Biological R & D Program. I can honestly say with 100% of my heart that without her, I would not be who or where I am today.

 

Its funny...but sometimes I think fate has a large role in this. Perhaps I was meant to travel this part of my life alone. Only with time will I be able to find out why.

 

Thank you again for the advice, I will take it to heart.

[Zoey]

huh, that's funny. I kinda feel that way too. I sort of feel like taking this first year of law school by myself will make me so much stronger, and if we do get back together, it will make US so much stronger too.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[brooke7777]

Zoey-

 

I feel your pain. I think I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend and I of almost 3 1/2 years recently broke up because he didn't feel as enthusiastic about the relationship and didn't know if he could get back to that level of enthusiams that we once had. I think that he is very confused and I guess he just need time to figure out whether or not I am truly part of his future plan. I agree with everyone and think that we need to take this time to rediscover ourselves and truly examine our own future aspirations. It is so hard to think of life without my boyfriend because my whole future was planned with him in it. Sure this was only a loose plan and it included many goals that I will still have with or without him, but it is still so incredibly weird to even begin to think that I may wake up one day beside another man.

 

I also wish there were more people on here to share their reconciliation stories. I wish I knew how long is to long and how short is too short for reconciliation. I feel lost in the whole realm of how much contact is too much and how much contact is too little. I feel like there's a real thin line between the two. I also can't help but think well how long do I have to wait before I consider this to be hopeless. I know that I should be focusing my attention on me and not worrying about the unknown status of what may or may not happen with my relationship with him, but it's still so incredibly hard and I'm not good with uncertainty. I wish I could just fast forward a few months and see where I would be.

[Zoey]

Brooke-

that about sums up how I feel too.

How long have you guys been broken up for?

[brooke7777]

Zoey-

 

We've only been broken up for about 3 weeks...so this is all still pretty fresh.

[Peak99]

I not sure guys, don't you feel that if you leave the window open for a relationship revival, it automatically closes the door on meeting someone new?

 

I'm still in a very confusing stage where i'll be great one day, and terrible the next. And in my heart, I'm hoping for nothing but reconcilliation, but everytime I think that, I feel that I am taking steps backwards, terrified of giving myself false hope.

 

The rational part of me tries with all its strength to keep me grounded and try to move me on. I may have to force myself to look at other people, and force myself to go out. But everytime I get out there, I have the potential to dull the pain that I feel a little bit more, and meet someone I never would have met otherwise...

[manoffaith]

You Best Bet is not to date anyone and stay alone. Because how the heck can you love someone for 3 years and suddenly not feel it. that is messed up. Stop letting your emotions take control and stop thinking that there is someone better. If this guy is treating you great and loves you, dont take him for granted. Think clearly and directly before you make the decision. I am not coming down on you, I just want you to think. Spice it up. Try something new. Talk about it with him. You should know in the first few weeks if you want to spend your life with the person you are with. Not invest 3 years and suddenly think hmmm, maybe i can do better. Stop that thinking, because thats how alot of girls think, because there never satisfied. There is no perfect guy. We are human beings and we do our best to love women the way we can. Just please truly think before you tear his heart out. Again i am not coming down on you. You seem like a nice person, just think it through.

 

take care

[Candy Cane]

You Best Bet is not to date anyone and stay alone. Because how the heck can you love someone for 3 years and suddenly not feel it. that is messed up. Stop letting your emotions take control and stop thinking that there is someone better. If this guy is treating you great and loves you, dont take him for granted. Think clearly and directly before you make the decision. I am not coming down on you, I just want you to think. Spice it up. Try something new. Talk about it with him. You should know in the first few weeks if you want to spend your life with the person you are with. Not invest 3 years and suddenly think hmmm, maybe i can do better. Stop that thinking, because thats how alot of girls think, because there never satisfied. There is no perfect guy. We are human beings and we do our best to love women the way we can. Just please truly think before you tear his heart out. Again i am not coming down on you. You seem like a nice person, just think it through.

 

take care

 

RIGHT ON!!

[Zoey]

So the boy finally emailed me...his first attempt to contact me since the deed was done 10 days ago. The abrieviated version is something along these lines:

"I would call you, but I'm not not sure that you want to talk. So how are things going?"

 

uugh.

 

My first response?

Thank God he hasn't completely forgotten about me.

 

My second response?

I am NOT responding.

 

My third response?

Um...maybe I will respond.

 

Anyways...I'm not going to respond. Here are my reasons: What on earth would I say??? How are things going, you ask? Well...I'm sad. I miss you. I want you in my life, etc., etc., etc.

What good is it for me to tell him this? He only wants to hear how I am so he doesn't have to feel guilty about not contacting me. He probably hopes that I will tell him that I'm fine, so that then he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore. On the other hand, if I tell him I'm miserable, then he will maybe feel guilty again for a second. But that second will soon pass and then he will probably feel good becuase he knows that I still want him and that he still has the power.

 

I know this isn't a game and I'm not trying to play any game here...I promise that I would talk to him if I wanted to, but I can't. The only thing I want to discuss is: do you love me again? And...by the fact that he hasn't made any effort to tell me this, I already know the answer. Therefore, our convo would be mired with stupid mundane stuff. i.e, how was your day? what did you do this weekend? how is school? Anything he will say to these q's will only make me sooooo sad and I'm already sad enough.

 

The only email or phone call that I might respond to is one that says: "I love you. I'm sorry. Let's see if maybe we can work things out." And even then, my heart will be sad and it might take me a few days to work up the courage and mental stability to talk this through with him. Plus, I don't know if I'm ready to open my heart again to him. I love him, but I'm hurt...you know?

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is fully concentrate on you. Don't let him ruin you and make you feel down. No contact is the only way to go here as hearing from him just is stirring up all the emotions and feelings once more.

 

It's not an intention malicious game, it's more protection of your heart and soul. It's something that has to be done and sadly many of us have been there. It's rough and horrible to deal with and go through, but once your heart heals and you feel better.

[Zoey]

Right. Especially since I have no idea how I will react to a conversation with him. Likely, I will be a huge emotional mess afterwards and honestly, I don't have time for that. Especially in light of the fact that I am in a huge mess just contemplating talking with him.

 

Well...here's to trying to forget about him again.

[Candy Cane]

Well, you could respond and just say that things are going great. When my ex emails me, that's what I say. I ignore the rest of the stuff. I don't have the time or inclination to chit chat with him. But then, I don't want him to think he's getting me down either. So...I say, "Things are great, sweetie. Thanks for checking in. Have a great day!"

 

Just a thought.

 

PS I think I'm getting confused with this post. First you don't love him and then you do. I'm having a bit of trouble keeping track. Sorry.