Tempted to Cheat...

[confused365]

My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years. We used to be into EDM (electronic dance music) scene when we first got together, but then left. I had always missed it but never had anyone to share it with. That was until a couple of years ago when I met some new coworkers. Since then I started getting back into the scene going to events pretty frequently. My significant other did not go with me, and is not interested in the scene anymore. He doesn't mind me going. At first it wasn't a big deal that I couldn't share my love for the EDM with him, but now its become very upsetting and difficult for me. I would love to have a significant other to share my love of the music and someone to be able to cuddle, kiss, and flirt with at shows, but he refuses to go. It was not a big deal at first, but now this HUGE difference between us is definitely affecting our relationship. I miss not being able to go out and have a good time with him. I go to activities with him that he wants to do, but he refuses to go do the things I like to do with me. This is the reason we have been drifting apart for about the past year.

 

One of my friends that I often go to shows with is in the same situation as me with their sig other. I have been very tempted to cheat with him recently. The two of us have a lot of chemistry and are often very flirty with each other. I am going to a weekend long event in a month with him and a few of our friends. I am extremely tempted and have the urge to cheat. My question is should I discuss this with my sig other? If I talk about it how should I bring it up. Will that just make it worse? Would you want to know if your sig other was tempted to cheat? Please do not tell me to just not go and to not put myself in this situation because that will not happen. I love the scene and the music too much to not go.

 

Also I could not picture myself with anyone else in the world in the long run. But music is a HUGE part of my life and that will never change. I've been very torn for a while now about this whole situation. He is my number 1, but music is my number 2. I can't let either of them go. I'm just scared that I may make some bad decisions because there is this void in having a partner I can share my number 2 with.

[Professor X]

A few times in life you get to a cross road that will determine the rest of your life. You have reach it now.

 

One has to go I'm afraid, cause you can't eat the cake and keep it full.

 

If you will go, you know you will cheat, so don't go.

If won't go, you will resent your SO which in most likelihood cause you to separate.

 

So there, you can now make a conscious decisions.

And as for your question, no, I wouldn't wanna know my SO is thinking about cheating on me lol - that's HORRIBLE. That will just cause me to go into paranoia about EVERYTHING - that will drive him insane.

 

Choose what's more important to you in life and follow it, but know that you HAVE to choose. You're a grown woman now, take control of your life.

[woinlove]

I would definitely talk to my SO if I were in your shoes. I've been in an open M for 25 years, so we always talk about stuff like this. But, even before I was married, I would always talk to my bf if I ever thought I might want to do something with someone else.

 

It sounds like yours is pretty far along to have a first conversation, because usually my first conversation would be while I still could take it or leave it, whereas it sounds like you are on the verge of saying you have to do this. If that is true, that makes it tricky because in some way you have already crossed a boundary (at least the way my Rs have always worked). If you can back off from your emotional involvement enough to have an honest conversation with your SO that is along the lines, these are my urges and desires, but I don't want to jeopardize what we have, and want to talk to you about whether something needs to change between us, then I would recommend that. On the other hand, ultimatums aren't my style (such as, if you don't do this, I'll be with someone else).

 

If you were to have a conversation with your SO about this, what would you want to say and would you two splitting up be on the table from your point of view?

 

Whatever you do I would definitely not recommend cheating. Just read some of the threads here about how that turns out.

[Bryanp]

I guess you are saying that if you cheat you would be quite acceptable for him become involved in a sexual relationship with another woman as well?

 

I agree that you need to have an open discussion with him and tell him you truly are tempted to cheat. If you do cheat the chances are very great that your relationship will indeed end. Is it really worth it to you?

[whichwayisup]

It will change some if you and your husband ever have children.

 

Be honest with him and allow him the choice here. DO NOT GO AND CHEAT on him. If you do that, you might as well end the engagement and break up for good. It's just so selfish of you to go ahead and cheat because you like clubbing and feel the need to flirt and want to cuddle up and kiss someone while there.

 

You also need to sit and think, prioritize what is truly more important.

 

You and your husband can find common hobbies you'd both enjoy. Communicate and really listen to one another, try new things.. If that doesn't work, and he refuses to go anywhere with you (things you like to do) then seek counselling together.. Which in fact could be a good idea to go anyway, seems you two have some other issues going on that hasn't really been spoken about.

[ascendotum]

You are in a pickle. Addressing your specific questions, just from my perspective.

...have the urge to cheat. My question is should I discuss this with my sig other?

Would you want to know if your sig other was tempted to cheat?

 

Its hard to say how I'd react to a gf, saying she's tempted to have sex with one of her edm friends who she has a lot of chemistry with, but.... if I were to come along to the events, then she wouldn't **** him.

I would want to hear that my gf is being tempted, but at the same time its damaging to know she is seriously entertaining the thought of getting down on all fours for one of our/her friends. Even if I was to take action to avert this hookup, it would still be at the back of my mind always that she could not be trusted to give in to her urges if I didn't do something to please her.

 

I think you would be better off not mentioning the urge to cheat, but rather how you are feeling uncertainty over the relationship and you two are growing apart, and you don't feel the same desire for him that you had when you first bonded over edm.

Or maybe give him an indirect indicator by mentioning to him, the next time you go out that you were thinking about staying the night at your edm buddy's place since he was having a few people over for drinks, and hopefully you get a reaction out of your bf.

Or maybe mention in casual conversation to your fiance how your edm buddy (and other guys) continually flirt with you and he thinks your fiance is crazy letting a hot gf out on the town on her own.

Or maybe the next time you go out dress really hot/slutty so it gets your bf's attention, and gets his mind ticking over + prompts him to come along.

[LittlePrince]

If you are tempted to cheat then you are no longer in love. Therefore you should break up and move on.

[nofool4u]

I am extremely tempted and have the urge to cheat. My question is should I discuss this with my sig other?

 

Yes, he deserves to know that his fiance is someone who is tempted to cheat just because he isn't into the dance music party scene like you are.

 

He needs to know how you are before he marries you.

 

 

If I talk about it how should I bring it up. Will that just make it worse?

 

Make what worse? The fact you'll cheat on him over something absolutely stupid?

 

What it will do is let him know the kind of person you are. I don't condone cheating no matter the circumstance and don't think any situation warrants cheating or even thinking about it.

 

But in your case you aren't excusing this on any problems in the relationship, not that it would matter and doesn't justify you wanting to cheat. But you are using the fact that he simply isn't into the dance scene any longer.

 

And here is the kicker, he knows you like it and doesn't mind you going. He trusts you. And that is where he is a fool. If anything you should enjoy the freedom that doesn't bother him, enjoy the dance scene, even though partying and clubbing is a bad idea when one is in a relationship.

 

So seems that you have a wonderful, trusting man, you are getting to do something which, IMO, most men would be uncomfortable with, and for good reason as you are proving, and you are disrespecting him (and this so called friend should know better too)

 

 

Would you want to know if your sig other was tempted to cheat?

 

Yes. I want to know what kind of person I'm involved with.

 

 

Please do not tell me to just not go and to not put myself in this situation because that will not happen. I love the scene and the music too much to not go.

 

Then I guess you don't care too much about your fiance. If you love the scene, and on top of that are tempted to cheat, then you aren't fit for a committed relationship, much less be married.

 

Partiers need to stay single

 

 

Also I could not picture myself with anyone else in the world in the long run. But music is a HUGE part of my life and that will never change.

 

You can still love music, go to concerts, etc. The problem is the partying.

 

 

I've been very torn for a while now about this whole situation. He is my number 1, but music is my number 2.

 

The fact that you wouldn't change #2 and will put yourself in partying situations where you want to cheat indicates that he isn't your #1. You said it yourself, you won't change that.

 

 

I can't let either of them go. I'm just scared that I may make some bad decisions because there is this void in having a partner I can share my number 2 with.

 

Grow up. You have a good man who simply isn't into that scene any longer. If there ever was an excuse to cheat, which there isn't, this definitely isn't one of them.

 

Seems to me if you simply can't handle keeping yourself from wanting to ride another man just because your fiance isn't around, then you either shouldn't be anywhere that your fiance isn't, or you shouldn't be with your fiance.

 

You need to have a talk with your fiance because you are not fit for marriage.

[nofool4u]

I'm having a REAL hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that electronic dance music is a 'scene' with hardcore followers..

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Seems that it was worded to sound like that when a more accurate description would be clubbing and partying.

[jphcbpa]

just tell you SO that is a problem and drifting you two apart. Tell him you want him to be with you, tell him that you go to his venues and you want him to come to yours. it is really that simple. dont overthink this.

 

and do not go on the weekend trip. give this some time to work itself out. do not put yourself in that position.

 

but it already sounds like you have your mind made up.

[Owl]

Either tell your SO how you feel...or just go ahead and end your relationship with him.

 

But whatever you do...make sure that you've ended that relationship before you start a new one with someone else.

[confused365]

Sorry that you do not understand the EDM scene. There are thousands of followers. 40 million people tune into the state of trance podcast every week. In a month, 300K ravers will be in vegas for Electric Daisy Carnival. There are thousands of us that spend thousands going to events like Ultra, Burning Man, Electric Daisy, Ezoo, plus many many more, plus many of us will even spend the money to travel to Europe. Also for me its not about partying, ie I rarely ever drink and never do drugs at these events. Its about the music. I, along with many others, connect very emotionally with the music and its about sharing that emotional experience with the person you care about.

[SomedayDig]

Sounds like it should be more of an open relationship with the sharing of emotions and whatnot at your raves. I get that. It was kind of the same way during the Grateful Dead years. However, your partner needs to be involved in the decision making process to stray outside the bounds of the relationship. Just my .0146 (adjusted for inflation).

[ascendotum]

I agree with nofool4u that you have a wonderful, trusting man, who is cool with you going out on your own to still enjoy the EDM scene. Many fiance or husbands would not be happy at all with this situation (you going out on your own regulary to raves). You are abusing this trust by not containing your desires and are planning on having sex with your EDM friend. I know you really want your fiance to come out with you, but reality is many, many people move on from the club/party/rock/punk/heavy metal/skater whatever scene as they get older and settle down 10 yrs later. Unfortunately your fiance is one of them. You need to come to terms with that, or breakup with him, or you could continue to enjoy both him + edm scene as you have, but seems like you cant do the best option without disrespecting your fiance, so choose him or the music.

 

I really dont think you should go away in a months time, with the plan to **** your edm buddy, until you can resolve this dilemma somehow, without it resulting in you cheating on your trusting future husband.

[Character Floss]

if (1) "we" would be giving Confused such a hard time over EDM if instead she told us, "I studied to be a concert cellist...didn't quite make it, but still go to music festivals, mentoring events, various concerts...it's part of who I am." I have a friend into EDM...sent me some links and I turned it off, but to each his/her own. This is an investment that may predate the fiancé (may not), and which may be integral to who Confused "is."

 

He may be the only you can see yourself with long-term, but is he integral to who you are?

 

My ex-wife, after we had our last child, approached me about inviting another man into our sexual relationship. Since she chatted online about a dozen hours a day, if I had been less naive I would have thought she probably had someone in mind. We never did, but given her sex drive/interests and the security we seemed to share, I think I would have been open to it as long as it was playing together with her, not (at that time) an open marriage. Is your fiancé the type who might want that type of situation, and are you?

 

If not I think he will have to go, it's just a matter of when. You may regret it later, but you may have to choose which potential regret would be worse:

 

becoming a (habitual?) cheater?

Leaving the scene and resenting it later?

Leaving him, and finding that EDM, but without him at home, just isn't worth it?

[michelangelo]

If liked to play pool and she used to, should I CHEAT because she no longer is interested in my hobby?

 

If we used to hike together and she no longer wants to, should I CHEAT because she doesn't hike anymore?

 

And so on...

 

If you can consider it a reasonable question--wrapped up in electronic dance music, then i think you are confusing your interest in dance music with your crush on some guy.

 

It's never about "the dance", it's always about who is getting you hot and bothered when you are away from your guy.

[happyme]

Yes Character Floss I agree. We're judging Confused's passion and that is really beside the point. As you say, if it was something more common as an interest such as ..... you name it but let's say for the sake of argument socialising with mutual friends for instance, or going to classical concerts, or some sort of sport, or ballroom dancing, or skydiving, or travel... or book clubs. Basically whatever. It's not for us to judge the activity. The fact is the OP has a passion and that's great. Her SO does not wish to accompany her in this passion. Well, ok. But I do understand her quandry tbh. What her SO is, in effect, doing is leaving her in the passion they both once shared and refusing to even accompany her ever in her passion, and imo that's selfish too. It's supposed to be give and take after all. My husband loves motor car racing and I go along to that because I love him and love to see him enjoy himself. Personally I find the sport about as interesting as watching paint dry BUT I do enjoy the event because I get to be with him in his passion. So OP, one supporter here but there's another BUT .... cheating is not the solution imo. Talk to him by all means but not about the temptation to cheat as that will be seen as a threat and no way will he be more inclined to join you after that. You say you join him in his interests and I feel it's not unfair of you to ask him to do the same for you. Just my whatever's worth (it's probably gone up since last poster's amount... lol ). Good luck anyway. Oh and btw I enjoy EDM too, great stuff!

[nofool4u]

Her "passion" is partying. Her fiance grew up. Her "passion" has no place in a marriage. Again, lets call it what it is, clubbing and partying. And there is a main reason people do it, and it isn't just because they want to hear the music.

 

I have things I like to do, and don't necessarily need a sig. other around to do it, and yet, I can keep my loins in check all too easily.

Edited May 8, 2012 by nofool4u

[SomedayDig]

nofool...your description kinda sounds like the 40 something year olds in a bar trying to get back their 20's. Its gone. Accept that life evolves.

[confused365]

The thing is I have talked about it. We have discussed that this difference between us has been driving us apart. I've told him how much it means to me that he go but he refuses to. At one point over a year ago he did go to a couple events with me, but dislikes it so much he refuses to go now. Unless you understand the music, its difficult to explain. But the music itself affects me very emotionally and its very difficult to not have the person I care about there with me at the same time. The music affects me very similiar to how a a religious person would be affected by an amazing precher. Just listening to an amazing set on my computer will bring tears, it is a very spritual experience for me. And its not like I'm planning on cheating, I'm just afraid that it may happen. Being that the chemistry is there and the fact that both me and the OP are in the same situation, both with SO's that do not go to events with us and the way the music affects us. I could potentionally see it happening and that scares me. I'm just not sure what to do about it or how to talk to my SO about it.

[SomedayDig]

So...let's see: the chemistry is there ~ the music moves the two of you and you are not planning on cheating.

 

You say you don't know how to talk to your SO about it? Just say the above that I just wrote and see what his reaction is. Just a thought.

[woinlove]

The thing is I have talked about it. We have discussed that this difference between us has been driving us apart. I've told him how much it means to me that he go but he refuses to. At one point over a year ago he did go to a couple events with me, but dislikes it so much he refuses to go now. Unless you understand the music, its difficult to explain. But the music itself affects me very emotionally and its very difficult to not have the person I care about there with me at the same time. The music affects me very similiar to how a a religious person would be affected by an amazing precher. Just listening to an amazing set on my computer will bring tears, it is a very spritual experience for me. And its not like I'm planning on cheating, I'm just afraid that it may happen. Being that the chemistry is there and the fact that both me and the OP are in the same situation, both with SO's that do not go to events with us and the way the music affects us. I could potentionally see it happening and that scares me. I'm just not sure what to do about it or how to talk to my SO about it.

 

I don't think you need to be so afraid of it just happening. Cheating won't just happen. You need to make a decision and allow it to happen and if you don't want to, it won't happen. The choice really is yours, so don't give up your own power and control. You can live the life you want to life and you can be honest and faithful if you want. Or not. But, it won't just happen.

 

Although if you are very internally conflicted and want to cheat but don't want to think of yourself as a cheater, you may try not to think about things, give yourself permission to cheat, but try to convince yourself that it just happened and you didn't really mean it. I would call that lying to yourself and I strongly recommend against lying to yourself because it usually ends up with feeling messed up, out of control, and bad about yourself. Whatever you do, make the decision which is right for you and acknowledge that you are making it.

[SoulStorm]

The thing is I have talked about it. We have discussed that this difference between us has been driving us apart. I've told him how much it means to me that he go but he refuses to. At one point over a year ago he did go to a couple events with me, but dislikes it so much he refuses to go now. Unless you understand the music, its difficult to explain. But the music itself affects me very emotionally and its very difficult to not have the person I care about there with me at the same time. The music affects me very similiar to how a a religious person would be affected by an amazing precher. Just listening to an amazing set on my computer will bring tears, it is a very spritual experience for me. And its not like I'm planning on cheating, I'm just afraid that it may happen. Being that the chemistry is there and the fact that both me and the OP are in the same situation, both with SO's that do not go to events with us and the way the music affects us. I could potentionally see it happening and that scares me. I'm just not sure what to do about it or how to talk to my SO about it.

 

YOU are planning on cheating...just admit it. If you weren't..you wouldn't go.

[confused365]

Im not planning on cheating. I do feel the temptation to cheat will be there and i am afraid that It will be very difficult to resist the fempation to cheat. If something happens, or we end up having one too many drinks.

[confused365]

And thank you charecter floss for defending my lifestlye choice it has a bad image in the usa and its very difficult to be accepted by the majority when u tell then if a raver.