Tempted to Cheat...

[2long]

There is a lot of shuffling, and throwing our hands up in the air. Nothing that would be considered sexual at all.

 

Oh really?? Next time you're throwing your hands up in the air, watch where your dance partner's eyes are!

 

Many, MANY times women will insist that there's nothing that could be considered sexual going on. And they may be right - about themselves. But single men? Or married men on the prowl? They'll be all 2 willing 2 agree with YOU, all the while watching you bounce around and fantasizing about sex.

 

And you've already admitted that you're tempted.

 

-ol' 2long

[woinlove]

As far as th 10 year engagement, the engagement has only been for about 18 months. and no we did not get engaged to just tie him down. he does go out occasionally with friends. Its not about tieing him down while I do my own thing. I don't mind if he goes out without me either, but he for the most part chooses not too, thats a personal choice of his.

For the most part I don't drink, there usually isn't a bar at the events, but occasionally I do drink a bit, just one or two drinks.

 

You said you are worried you might cheat if you have too much to drink, even though you usually don't drink and when you do, you just drink a bit. If you are going to cheat, no reason to make yourself drink a lot to do it. Just make your decision and live with the consequences.

 

Personally, I think you should decide not to cheat and talk to your bf, with the possibility of your R ending being one scenario that might result. If that is the case, then you can have guilt-free sex at the raves with whoever you.

[confused365]

If I'm so far off base, you wouldn't be here telling your story

 

 

Really this post does not have anything to do with where the temptation is from. If I was tempted at work should I just quit my job? Or how about if I enjoy fishing/hiking and am tempted with a friend that I go enjoy this activity with? Should I just quit going? You are more concered with the fact that I do not act the way YOU FEEL a committed person should act. Just because someone is in a committed relationship does not mean they have to become a recluse and quit going out or doing activities they enjoy.

[confused365]

Oh really?? Next time you're throwing your hands up in the air, watch where your dance partner's eyes are!

 

Many, MANY times women will insist that there's nothing that could be considered sexual going on. And they may be right - about themselves. But single men? Or married men on the prowl? They'll be all 2 willing 2 agree with YOU, all the while watching you bounce around and fantasizing about sex.

 

And you've already admitted that you're tempted.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I usually do not have a dancing partner. Really what is the big deal if someone wants to watch me dance?? There is no harm in someone looking. We are HUMAN, even when in a committed relationship, humans will be attracted to other humans other than their SO.

[Woggle]

There might not be anything with but lol at nothing sexual going on at raves.

[2long]

Really this post does not have anything to do with where the temptation is from. If I was tempted at work should I just quit my job? Or how about if I enjoy fishing/hiking and am tempted with a friend that I go enjoy this activity with? Should I just quit going? You are more concered with the fact that I do not act the way YOU FEEL a committed person should act. Just because someone is in a committed relationship does not mean they have to become a recluse and quit going out or doing activities they enjoy.

 

...unless they're easily tempted and have fuzzy boundaries.

 

-ol' 2long

[Bellechica]

Hi confused365, can you tell me why you want to get married? And do you already have a wedding date set?

[2long]

I usually do not have a dancing partner. Really what is the big deal if someone wants to watch me dance?? There is no harm in someone looking. We are HUMAN, even when in a committed relationship, humans will be attracted to other humans other than their SO.

 

But it's the CHOICES we make that define us and either keep us out of trouble or get us in2 it.

 

I've had a number of crushes on other women over the course of my marriage. In every case, I kept my feelings 2 myself until they faded away. Also in every case, I was sure nobody had a clue about my feelings, particularly the women I had crushes on. But after discovering my wife's affair 10 years ago, I learned that she knew about most of them (plus one she thought I had a crush on that I didn't), and she thought that they did 2.

 

I wish she'd told me about her observations before she chose 2 have an affair. Because I would have learned back THEN 2 trust my instincts and would have recognized early on that she was letting herself get "in2 trouble" with her coworker. I might have been able 2 do something 20 years ago.

 

I have stronger boundaries than she does. It's a simple fact borne out by the evidence that I've never cheated in the 35 years we've been married. She still struggles with where the lines are crossed with opposite sex friends. So, I have 2 be watchful and keep our communication lines open.

 

She and I have hobbies and interests that the other doesn't share. For2nately, perhaps, my hobbies don't involve being in si2ations where I might be tempted 2 have an affair. Frankly, there aren't that many female amateur astronomers in the world, and in any case most of the time I'm by myself in my backyard, not in large groups or alone with a woman in the dark somewhere. My wife teaches 3 nights a week. I do most of my observing when she's not home, and spend time with her when she is.

 

She does her best 2 involve me in her interests, and I participate probably 2 more of an extent than I would if she'd never had an affair. But I'm not "faking" anything. Just doing my part, as a husband, 2 increase the amount of time we do things 2gether.

 

Because happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have.

 

-ol' 2long

[confused365]

Hi confused365, can you tell me why you want to get married? And do you already have a wedding date set?

 

No wedding date yet, we have to pay for everything ourselves so it will be probably another year until we are even able to afford a wedding.. I love this guy to death. He is the only person that I have ever felt whole with. I could not picture myself in the long run/raising a family with anyone else. Neither of us are ready to start a family yet but that is the plan in the next f 3-5 years we will be married and start our family. Until then, I do want to enjoy my time kidless and go out to events and do things that I would not be able to do with a baby at home.

[2long]

This isn't going 2 end well, if you're not honest and truthful with your fiance about what you're posting about here.

 

-ol' 2long

[Wanderer25]

Why cheat? Tell him that you are bonding with other men more than you should when you are in honesty mode.

And you are nuturing and developing a bond with this other person, obviously attraction develops slowly. It would be strange if there were no feelings between you two. Do you talk to him outside of raving scene? I am guessing yes. Maybe spending less time with this OM will help a lot.

 

One more thing I noticed. Cheating does not happen by accident. You seem to think that cheating while drunk is not as bad cheating while sober. More of "It happened only because I was drunk" attitude. This is you absolving yourself of responsibility and reeks of immaturity TBH. It is the same as a killing a guy while drunk. It will be your responsibility that you put yourself in this position. The consequences will not be any lesser because you are drunk

[Bellechica]

Ok Confused365, you say, "I love this guy to death. He is the only person that I have ever felt whole with. I could not picture myself in the long run/raising a family with anyone else. Neither of us are ready to start a family yet but that is the plan in the next f 3-5 years we will be married and start our family. Until then, I do want to enjoy my time kidless and go out to events and do things that I would not be able to do with a baby at home."

 

If you feel this way then PLEASE make it clear to your fiancé how you are feeling an emotional connection to this OM. It might be the wake up call your fiancé needs to see that you are missing something in the relationship.

[nofool4u]

Really this post does not have anything to do with where the temptation is from.

 

Yes, it does.

 

 

If I was tempted at work should I just quit my job?

 

Anyone can be tempted anywhere, thats common sense.

 

But there are places where it runs rampant, and is almost a given. Partying and clubbing is one of them.

 

I can be hit by a car even by just walking on the sidewalk. There is a chance that a car swerves off the road. But the chances are greater if I jump out in the middle of the road. The risk increases greatly.

 

 

Or how about if I enjoy fishing/hiking and am tempted with a friend that I go enjoy this activity with?

 

Then you stop going fishing with the opposite sex if you can't handle your urges.

 

Should I just quit going?

 

Its up to you. But if you don't quit going, then you need to set your fiance free from you before he makes the mistake of marrying you.

 

 

You are more concered with the fact that I do not act the way YOU FEEL a committed person should act.

 

Huh? A committed person should ACT like a committed person and not some college girl that can't control her urges.

 

 

Just because someone is in a committed relationship does not mean they have to become a recluse and quit going out or doing activities they enjoy.

 

Not at all. But they don't put themselves in situations where temptation is bound to happen and they don't have an urge to cheat just because their fiance outgrew the party scene.

 

Again, if you are engaged, yet you want to act single still.

 

Therefore, break off the engagement so he can find a like minded, faithful woman.

 

I love this guy to death

 

Apparently not enough.

Edited May 10, 2012 by nofool4u

[Owl]

I've seen no answer to my question.

 

You've admitted attraction to this other man, and you've admitted that "you're worried what might happen".

 

What are you going to change in light of this knowledge and awareness???

 

One last thought.

 

You "love" your fiance...but your lack of shared passion about something in your life is driving you apart.

 

You've indicated that you feel this EDM is somehow core to your very being. You cannot, will not live without it.

 

Your fiance does NOT feel the same way about EDM as you do. He never will.

 

What are you going to change in light of this knowledge and awareness???

 

Talking about anything else, doing anything else...is just dancing around the core problems.

 

Answer these questions...and the problems solve themselves.

[nofool4u]

I've seen no answer to my question.

 

You've admitted attraction to this other man, and you've admitted that "you're worried what might happen".

 

What are you going to change in light of this knowledge and awareness???

 

Excellent question and directly to the point which I think needs an answer from Confused.

[confused365]

To answer your question, I don't really plan on changing anything. I plan on not cheating and resisting the my urge I have to cheat. I plan on being faithful to my SO and still enjoying the events/shows that I go to. its not like I have the temptation to cheat at every event or with just anyone, its just this one person/friend.

[Bellechica]

Confused365, if you continue doing the same ole thing then you are setting yourself up to cheat. I predict that you will bond more with this other male friend and your resentment toward your fiancé will grow and then "poof" your in an affair! Viola! Perfect set up.......

And then you'll regret it and your world is going to spiral out of control.

 

If you love your fiancé, nurture your connection with him.......

[nofool4u]

To answer your question, I don't really plan on changing anything. I plan on not cheating and resisting the my urge I have to cheat. I plan on being faithful to my SO and still enjoying the events/shows that I go to. its not like I have the temptation to cheat at every event or with just anyone, its just this one person/friend.

 

Thats good that you plan on not cheating.

 

But you are already being unfaithful if you have the urge and want to cheat.

 

Here is why I say this. Temptation is always around. How you feel about it makes all the difference. I'll use yourself and myself as an example.

 

I've been in situations where opportunities present itself, temptation if you will. But I don't have "the urge" to cheat. You do. That is the difference, and is why I say you are already unfaithful, just not physically.

[Owl]

To answer your question, I don't really plan on changing anything. I plan on not cheating and resisting the my urge I have to cheat. I plan on being faithful to my SO and still enjoying the events/shows that I go to. its not like I have the temptation to cheat at every event or with just anyone, its just this one person/friend.

 

So...given this...you're planning on "letting the situation ride"...with full knowledge that this will very likely end up with you cheating. You've admitted that this is a risk here already...and yet you refuse to change anything in the situation to prevent it from happening.

 

How is that any different in outcome than planning on cheating?

 

Fair enough...I guess you found your answers here then, and there's really nothing left for us to help you with until after the damage is done. Good luck to you, but most importantly, good luck to your boyfriend/fiance...he's going to be the one devestated by the choices you're making today.

[make me believe]

My husband is extremely passionate about death metal music. He's been in bands, used to travel to see shows, used to attend a TON of local shows, etc. But when we started dating he cut waaayy back on all of that. (I have no interest in it at all.) He never travels to see shows anymore, and only goes to local ones occasionally -- and always extends an invitation to me, which I sometimes accept.

 

He doesn't see this as a sacrifice and DEFINITELY does not see music as his #2. I'm his #1 and there is no #2. (well, maybe our pets ) I find it extremely strange that your love for EDM is at all comparable to your love for your fiance, and that you willingly travel out of state for days at a time (it sounds like?) without him to attend these festivals. There might be some event that my H would have attended out of state were he still single, but I guarantee that he would not go to it now, and his reason would be not wanting to be away from me over night.

 

Also, the way that you talk about temptation to cheat and being afraid that "something will happen" says that you ARE planning to cheat on him, even if subconsciously. You haven't even gone to the festival yet but you're already rationalizing cheating in your mind by focusing on the differences between you & your fiance, talking about having "one too many" drinks, and saying that it could happen. Guess what, cheating doesn't "just happen." It's a conscious choice, and one that it sounds like you are prepared to make. Hell, you already have your affair partner in mind!

 

I think it is obvious that you need to break up with your fiance. Imagine how he would feel if he stumbled across this thread and read about his future wife talking about feeling temptation in certain situations, and then willingly putting herself in those situations over & over again. IMO it's just a matter of time before you cheat if you keep this up. I know that if I was attracted to another guy and felt the temptation that you are (and especially if I was already rationalizing it to myself), I would go out of my way to NOT be around that guy EVER. My relationship with my husband is FAR more important. Your relationship with your fiance isn't, so why even stay with him?

 

I'm stunned that you openly admit you are tempted to cheat on your fiance with your male "friend," but you still plan on being around him frequently at these events. It shows how selfish people are nowadays, even in supposedly committed relationships, and the lack of boundaries that some people have. Honestly, I feel bad for your fiance.

[wheream_i]

So music is the reason you're tempted to cheat? That's a first. Go ahead and do it. You're gonna do it anyway. And when you do, come back and let us know how it felt to cheat on your bf all for the love of EDM.