How To Accept It

[verhrzn]

According to this forum, it's my ****ty personality AND my average looks that are the reason I repulse guys. I have been advised to accept myself, and embrace the positivity in life.

 

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?

[OhHey]

According to this forum, it's my ****ty personality AND my average looks that are the reason I repulse guys. I have been advised to accept myself, and embrace the positivity in life.

 

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?

 

 

I really don't, V. I am trying to accept, because I feel it's the only way I am going to stop obsessing over the "uglyness"

It all just sucks. It just sucks to be looked over(literally) on the persons way to the hot guy.

 

I can say that I have been recieving help offline with accepting my looks and the negative things people say. So far I feel better, but not "fixed" I don't believe I will truly ever be fixed, but I can learn to deal with this a lot better than I do.

 

I'm really sorry you have this too.

[Anela]

Oh, I don't think you're either one. I don't think that other posters are saying that your personality is awful in general, it's the negative thinking that they mention over and over.

 

I don't know what to say. I really could smack the guys who have told you that you're ugly.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Anela

[OhHey]

V, may I P/M you next monday?

 

I know you don't know me that well and I don't have any "lectures" to give....I just feel like talking about it.......

 

No prob if no..... I get it.

[OhHey]

 

I don't know what to say. I really could smack the guys who have told you that you're ugly.

 

me too.

 

I hate it so bad when some people get the crap end.

 

Life is hard and life is harder when you have such burdens that dig into your mind continuously. It has ruled my life as well as V's.

 

Just because some can't keep their stupid comments locked up.

[threebyfate]

I already asked the mods to ban me, since I'm apparently a drama-seeking, bitter old b*tch who the entire forum hates. I came here to share and to express what I couldn't in real life, but apparently that isn't what this place is for.

I'm bringing this post out of the other thread because it belongs here.

 

Stop the pathos. You and I both know you're over-inflating the negativity and yes, this is a form of attention seeking.

 

I have no idea who hates you but I don't and don't want you to leave. From what I've seen of the comments from most, pretty much everyone is telling you that you have an unrealistically negative opinion about your looks. This is why myself and a few others keep telling you to get some professional help.

 

Body dysmorphic disorder is something you need to read up on. It's a serious condition and if you have it, need to get help which includes both therapy and drugs. Also prevalent is comorbidity with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia and OCD, amongst other possibilities.

 

I'm going to say this a final time. You're not ugly. I think you're cute and so do many others, including many of the misogynistic crowd. I won't validate your need to believe yourself ugly.

[LZ2000]

According to this forum, it's my ****ty personality AND my average looks that are the reason I repulse guys. I have been advised to accept myself, and embrace the positivity in life.

 

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?

 

verhrzn,

 

There are no easy answers to the questions you ask, i can safely say that i was in the same situation more or less as you are many years ago.

 

I never liked myself when i was a young adult in my College years. But slowly I began to think hard about myself and act proactively to grow my self confidence. But the real lesson i have learned is that a self assured person is not grown over one single day, it does take a huge amount of varied experiences that would empower you in any way.

 

But what specific experiences would truly empower you, is something I do not know. Only you and yourself is able to find out. I did that exactly, stepping out of my own skin to try to do things i wouldnt dare to.

 

Of course, my answer here, is very brief and very short, but if need be, i will write and elaborate more if needed.

Edited May 8, 2012 by LZ2000

[OhHey]

In my mind(won't speak for V) its always been everyone else are the ones who need the help, help with keeping their mouth shut about insulting someone. Why should people like V and I get plastic surgery, worry ourselves to death about our looks and hide away like some hermit and go through tons of BS "therapy" over idiots that can't keep their negative comments to themselves?

I was perfectly fine in life until mid-7th grade when some kid outright asked me if I had broke my nose before and why my eyes were kinda funny. He said my face was kinda weird and it wasn't a joke or something like that. He was dead serious about it. From then on this BS took over and the obsession ensued.

 

In V's case, her men friends tell her she is second best, the girl guys go with when the hot ones are taken or whatever. I am sure she has been called ugly too. People do not realize how this effects someone. Have someone tell you outright that you are ugly, from multiple people at multiple times, how would you feel. Lucky you if you can just "get over it" good for you! Some of us can't because we hear it all the time from different people at different times of life.

 

Back when I wa son LS people told me the same...get help, brush it off, their just joshing you ect ect ect....not that easy and I agree V needs major help, that is a no duh, but in our type of minds, what help? Is someone out there going to magically cure us from thinking of ourselves as ugly forever? No. They can show us how to cope better, but that is it. No matter how much help you get, the dip-****s out there will continue to make snide comments and treat V as second best, bringing her right back down to square one.

 

It is this hoplessness chain that drives some with this BS to commit suicide...they lose their dreams, because they hide themselves, they lose love, relationships, because they hide themselves, they lose out on life, because they hide themselves....then after a while, their is no hope left, only pipe dreams as we approach our 40's and that is when we can't take it anymore.

 

TBF is right....this terrible loop needs intense intervention and is nothing V will be able to get over on her own. I hope she is braver than me and gets started in kicking this down somehow. I am doing some things myself and it helps, but I'll never be fully recovered from it. At her age she has a better chance.

 

People don't know how it is for V...they just see a young girl complaining that she is ugly and tell her to join the club, get over it, stop seeking attention ect ect. I suggest reading up on the link TBF gave and realize just how messed up this crap really is.

[OhHey]

verhrzn,

 

There are no easy answers to the questions you ask, i can safely say that i was in the same situation more or less as you are many years ago.

 

I never liked myself when i was a young adult in my College years. But slowly I began to think hard about myself and act proactively to grow my self confidence. But the real lesson i have learned is that a self assured person is not grown over one single day, it does take a huge amount of varied experiences that would empower you in any way.

 

But what specific experiences would truly empower you, is something I do not know. Only you and yourself is able to find out. I did that exactly, stepping out of my own skin to try to do things i wouldnt dare to.

 

Of course, my answer here, is very brief and very short, but if need be, i will write and elaborate more if needed.

 

What it is, she does like herself, but idiots in this world insist on making comments of her looks and it kills the soul. She feels ugly and not in any guy's eyes...hopless for a relationship because of this all over men's obsession of needing a HOT girlfriend and they let her know just that!.

[Anela]

Body dysmorphic disorder is something you need to read up on. It's a serious condition and if you have it, need to get help which includes both therapy and drugs. Also prevalent is comorbidity with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia and OCD, amongst other possibilities.

 

I'm going to say this a final time. You're not ugly. I think you're cute and so do many others, including many of the misogynistic crowd. I won't validate your need to believe yourself ugly.

 

This is what I think I was dealing with: BDD, which started out as PTSD. Everything branched out from that- and then I became agoraphobic. I knew that my experiences had screwed me up, but it took a *long* time to get over it - in some ways, I'm still not over it, although I have definitely improved.

 

I wish I'd gone the therapy route when I was a teenager. I was afraid to open up and talk, afraid that they might say that I was just this awful, crazy person that shouldn't even exist, all thanks to bullies (and a few situations before that). I remember the head teacher telling my mother that "those girls wouldn't do such a thing" when she'd witnessed it. She made me out to be crazy, and the fact that she was pushing me to therapy to fix my supposedly imaginary problems, pissed me off.

 

V, I wonder if this might be something that would help you? Abraham Low Self-Help Systems - it's a support group that's free, and they seem to be all over the place. They also have phone meetings, and online meetings.

[pteromom]

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?

 

UGLY is subjective. I am sure there are some people who think I am ugly, but they don't matter to me. I like myself, and anyone I want around me likes me too.

 

So first, quit telling yourself that you are UGLY. Certainly you have some things you like about yourself. So focus on those. "I have cute feet!" or "I have smooth skin" or "I love the color of my hair"... whatever it is, focus on the positive. Do not accept anyone else's insults as your reality. People are a-holes and what they think has ZERO relevance to what you feel about yourself.

 

Next, start finding things that ENERGIZE you. Things that make you feel alive. Volunteer at a charity that means a lot to you. Make art. Learn to cook. Whatever it is, start finding those things that resonate with you, and do them.

 

Forget about finding someone else for now. Your focus needs to be on learning to love yourself and learning to accept yourself. Once you achieve that, your energy will change, and people will be drawn to you.

[Lil1]

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?[/QUOTE]

 

Oh boy Verhrzn. Another one of these really?! Your sarcasm is morbidly entertaining

 

I'm so glad these other posters have patience and diligence. These are the ones you should listen to. They genuinely care about your well being. But we all know these self degredating posts will never end.

 

Dying alone and unloved?

 

We all die alone. Start loving yourself first, I know this will be a great challenge for you. Get to work girl! Life is too beautiful to waste it away with all this negativity.

[january2011]

According to this forum, it's my ****ty personality AND my average looks that are the reason I repulse guys. I have been advised to accept myself, and embrace the positivity in life.

 

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to accept being an awful, ugly person? And how to be positive about never achieving any of my dreams and dying alone and unloved?

 

You've never struck me as awful or ugly. I don't know you and haven't seen you but I'm willing to believe that other posters who have seen you are reasonable judges of attractiveness, given that they have nothing to win or lose by giving a complete stranger their opinion on her looks -considering how easy it is to shoot people down here.

 

But back to the acceptance. You focus on something that is going great in your life. If you really believe that you can't have beauty, a great personality and a boyfriend then there are still other things you can have in the world. That is, the rest of your life might be s h i t t y, but this one corner of it is amazing and worth holding on to - it's the beacon that shines in the darkness.

[verhrzn]

Honestly, I could accept the majority of people finding me ugly and even insulting me to my face if I just had that person who loved me, that life partner to have a family with.

 

I hate my ugliness and personality not because of what they are in and of themselves; I hate them because they are barriers to the things that I want. If I wanted a career in serious academia, I wouldn't care that I was ugly. Big deal, you don't need to be.

 

But you do need to be attractive to pull a partner, especially as I get older and older and the options get less. By being ugly/awful prevents me from getting a relationship, from achieving what I want. THAT'S why it's so difficult to accept. Accepting it means I give up on my dreams.

[verhrzn]

But back to the acceptance. You focus on something that is going great in your life. If you really believe that you can't have beauty, a great personality and a boyfriend then there are still other things you can have in the world. That is, the rest of your life might be s h i t t y, but this one corner of it is amazing and worth holding on to - it's the beacon that shines in the darkness.

 

That's just it... there isn't anything. Not my career, not my friends, not my family, not my hobbies. Every inch of my life is nothing but drudgery and average-to-awful.

 

Sometimes God just puts people here with the cards stacked high against them, and it's for that reason I no longer have faith. In anything, really.

[d'Arthez]

I hate my ugliness and personality not because of what they are in and of themselves; I hate them because they are barriers to the things that I want.

This is key.

 

But you do need to be attractive to pull a partner, especially as I get older and older and the options get less.

What makes people attractive / unattractive is not an outward illusion (or if you prefer appearance) but the inner core of their beliefs, goals and their self-perception. Once you improve your inner core, the rest will happen without effort.

[verhrzn]

What makes people attractive / unattractive is not an outward illusion (or if you prefer appearance) but the inner core of their beliefs, goals and their self-perception. Once you improve your inner core, the rest will happen without effort.

 

Well that's why I need to accept being alone, that I'm just gonna have a ****ty life... because I have a sh*tty inner core. People on the forum have been telling me this for the last 10 months I've been here... that I'm an awful, attention-seeking, negative, b*tch, on top of being told how ugly I am in real life. And I've finally gotten the message. That's apparently just who I am. Someone with a worthless core, who is too cowardly to just end it.

[january2011]

That's just it... there isn't anything. Not my career, not my friends, not my family, not my hobbies. Every inch of my life is nothing but drudgery and average-to-awful.

 

Sometimes God just puts people here with the cards stacked high against them, and it's for that reason I no longer have faith. In anything, really.

 

I find that hard to believe. At least you have a job, friends, family and hobbies. But I know I'm not the one in your shoes so I'm seeing your life from my perspective and not yours.

 

Sometimes it's useful to post on a message board when all you really need is people to listen, but I do wonder if you can continue like this for years without any progress.

 

Do you feel ashamed, Verhrzn? I ask because of a TED video by Brene Brown about shame, acceptance, vulnerability and feeling connected, like you 'belong':

 

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

[d'Arthez]

Nonsense. No one but you lives your life; it is not a matter of a popular vote. Likewise, whatever the truth is, it is not decided by a popular vote.

 

No one but you has to live with you everyday of your life. Only you do. At most people here get to read your posts, whine and b!tch, call you names etc.. But they do not live with the consequences of you being you.

 

I admit I have not read all your posts in the recent past, but given the way message board dynamics work, when hostility sets in - rightly or wrongly - we can easily start projecting an extreme position on ourselves and others, which leads to a vicious cycle.

 

That is not worth it. Undoubtedly there are things you are unhappy with in your life, that are spilling over in other areas of your life. The key is to address the causes of your pain and suffering. Stuff what people think.

 

Do what is best for you, but above all never give up on yourself, and don't let yourself be defined by others.

[Lil1]

OK verhrzn what you just wrote above is just too sad:( A worthless core? Come on girl, now you're just insulting your creator;) I honestly think you're a funny, albeit sarcastic, but funny 'cool geek'. You play video games and know about computers and you know about comics and anime and stuff.. and I have seen your picture. Ugly is not a word I would ever use to decribe you because it isn't you. You are not ANY of those things you just said (except for the negative part - I do think you are negative about yourself) You've got a lot of cool things going on for you though, you just gotta work on your mind. Others can give you excellent advise until the cows come home but nothing will change your perception/mindset unless you start seeing yourself in a positive light.

 

I just thought of something too. You give up too easily. Where's your fire? I know you've got it, it may be a small flame but I know it's there. No one can be so sarcastic without having a little fire in them! Have you ever given thought to taking some sort of martial arts classes? That may boost your confidence and the excercise you get from it will be good for your body and spirit:)

[pteromom]

But you do need to be attractive to pull a partner, especially as I get older and older and the options get less. By being ugly/awful prevents me from getting a relationship, from achieving what I want. THAT'S why it's so difficult to accept. Accepting it means I give up on my dreams.

 

That's ridiculous! I know many ladies who are not traditionally attractive, but who are in happy marriages. There's someone for EVERYONE, and as long as you are taking care of yourself (not avoiding showers or walking around with BO, bad breath, and stinky pits) you will find someone who is attracted to you.

 

The issue is more your ATTITUDE. And that is something you can change. You can't change your face (although going by what people here are saying, you probably don't need to), but you can be someone you don't think of as "awful". Seriously - what does a GOOD PERSON do? And what can you change in your own life to become one of the GOOD people?

 

If you are so down on yourself that you can't even try to make changes, and that even the good things in your life don't make you happy, you really need some professional help.

 

Being in a relationship isn't everything. Actually, it causes a lot of extra stress and issues and can be overrated!

[OhHey]

 

Next, start finding things that ENERGIZE you. Things that make you feel alive. Volunteer at a charity that means a lot to you. Make art. Learn to cook. Whatever it is, start finding those things that resonate with you, and do them.

 

I have actually started doing this myself. In fact I rode a charity bike ride for MS society just last Saturday. I also feel alive when I am on my Mountain bike...do it a lot and it does help energize the soul.

 

That actually works, V....find other self worth things that keep you interested.

 

Another thing is the BDD label. I guess it's fine to use it to give a general description of this sort of obsession, but it is not like V was born with it. Like I said before I was perfectly happy with my looks/life until that incident in 7th grade. That triggered my obsession, but I don't believe it is a chemical imbalance or some sort of brain disorder. Just real hardcore irritation dealing with people comments that keep drilling our minds that we are ugly and not looked at as anything nice to look at.

 

For instance.... Ever have some teen'early twenty girls look at you as they pass by and make heckling laughter and hear one say "Big Head" under irritating, muffled heckles?

 

Oh and their target was 35 years old. Try having a nice day knowing some cute girls look at you as some sort of anomaly of strange features. Walk around feeling all freaky, looking at people and wondering who will point it out next.

 

Oh and watch cute girls all over some hot guy trying to get a seat next to him and all that.....so so irritating you can't even explain it. For me coming on forums and basically being an uber ass and pissed off all the time was me just sick of it and not caring. I know I use a lot of ME ME ME stuff in V's threads, but it is the only way I can sort of explain to people how strong this crap really is and I am hoping V can relate to what I write even if not perfectly in tune to her situation.

 

What bothers me more than the "BDD" is that at 37 years old I have missed/hid from a lot of stuff I wanted to be and do, because of the "BDD" For a lot of it it is too late(being a pro pilot) ect ect..... Now my attitude is to recover somewhat and salvage what I can and just live it up as much as I can. I still have good years left and tired of wasting my life over this ****.

 

V is real young and she CAN recover almost fully if she gets her ass in some sort of help thing and really work on it. Like I stress to her all the time...don't wait anymore wasting your life over people's BS....take the step and try to get yourself out of this crap and you CAN have a terrific life.

 

I also know yo uhate seeing this over and over, V, but it does come down to accepting how you are, looks, shape, fat whatever and not caring what people say about it. Many "not hot" people have great relationships and lives in this world and so can you. Although I have seen the tiny pic you put up once I saw that you're a cute girl..... not ugly at all.

 

You have to build up resistance to people's BS and learn acceptance to what you look like and find a guy who likes you...for everything. The HOT girl can have anyone, but who cares...F'her....it doesn't mean anyone less can never have a great life'relationship.

 

It will take a lot of work, but I hope to hell you don't wait anymore and waste time like I did...... I suppose getting help will help yo ucope better and give you the tools for that and I really hope you can get brave enough to step up and get yourself those tools.

 

Ok so I'm full of crap as usual.....

 

I have a burger to take care of...

 

seeya.

[OhHey]

Being in a relationship isn't everything. Actually, it causes a lot of extra stress and issues and can be overrated!

 

 

This is why I come to LS, lol makes me feel better about not being "hitched"

 

Still though....what a dream having a real relationship can be.

[d'Arthez]

Don't let others destroy your life.

 

There is so much more to life than idiots making fun of you and abusing you. It really poisons your own self perceptions, leads to a vicious cycle that seems increasingly impossible to break.

That can take on dramatic forms, and it is difficult to overcome that, especially since our culture mainly equates looks with attractiveness. You feel - and whether that is based on fact or myth (a lot of young aspiring models suffer from the same predicament) - that you are physically ugly, and it certainly DOES NOT make you a drama queen or a useless person or anything.

 

It does not even mean that you are ugly. Yet no matter how many people say online or in real life that you are not ugly, or tell you you are beautiful, it is something that you want to believe, but cannot believe. Most people do not understand fully that self-perception and "objective" perception do not necessarily match. Hence the easy explanation for your behaviour would be that you are an attention-seeker. But it is also a wrong explanation.

 

Because you meet with hostility, your natural instinct is to emotionally defend yourself, but which tends to fuel the problematic self-perception again and again. You can do that with words, and in real life you have countless of other options at your disposal to erect defences and shield yourself.

 

It is interesting you responded to my response as you did. I certainly would not suggest your whole core is rotten, but that the BDD you seem to be suffering from, is an obstacle you need to overcome. Once you can be happy being inside your body, all your other problems will greatly diminish.

 

At the moment, your defences serve you well to protect yourself as a person, but you also realize that the same barriers are a hindrance to the other goals in your life. Goals which are certainly not over the top, no matter what anyone may tell you.

 

When you do not have to expend a lot of your emotional energy to simply keep on living, that emotional energy can be harnessed and used to achieve your goals.

 

You won't believe this, but you have a lot to offer a lucky man. One day you will. I know you will address your issues and concerns, because you don't want to waste your life.

[verhrzn]

Don't let others destroy your life.

 

There is so much more to life than idiots making fun of you and abusing you. It really poisons your own self perceptions, leads to a vicious cycle that seems increasingly impossible to break.

That can take on dramatic forms, and it is difficult to overcome that, especially since our culture mainly equates looks with attractiveness. You feel - and whether that is based on fact or myth (a lot of young aspiring models suffer from the same predicament) - that you are physically ugly, and it certainly DOES NOT make you a drama queen or a useless person or anything.

 

It does not even mean that you are ugly. Yet no matter how many people say online or in real life that you are not ugly, or tell you you are beautiful, it is something that you want to believe, but cannot believe. Most people do not understand fully that self-perception and "objective" perception do not necessarily match. Hence the easy explanation for your behaviour would be that you are an attention-seeker. But it is also a wrong explanation.

 

Because you meet with hostility, your natural instinct is to emotionally defend yourself, but which tends to fuel the problematic self-perception again and again. You can do that with words, and in real life you have countless of other options at your disposal to erect defences and shield yourself.

 

It is interesting you responded to my response as you did. I certainly would not suggest your whole core is rotten, but that the BDD you seem to be suffering from, is an obstacle you need to overcome. Once you can be happy being inside your body, all your other problems will greatly diminish.

 

At the moment, your defences serve you well to protect yourself as a person, but you also realize that the same barriers are a hindrance to the other goals in your life. Goals which are certainly not over the top, no matter what anyone may tell you.

 

When you do not have to expend a lot of your emotional energy to simply keep on living, that emotional energy can be harnessed and used to achieve your goals.

 

You won't believe this, but you have a lot to offer a lucky man. One day you will. I know you will address your issues and concerns, because you don't want to waste your life.

 

Hmm. A lot of that makes sense, thank you. Let me ponder it for a while.