How To Accept It

[mercy]

Accepting Yourself For Who You Are

[tman666]

This is all typical as a response I've seen over and over. Sure it can subdue the craves and you can be sort of happy all by your lonesome, but you'll never fully be able to give it up(the crave to be with someone)....ever.

No one wants to be old and alone.....that thought scares me even though right now I am typically ok with everything.

 

It all just really sucks.

 

Yes, it is rather "blah" advice, isn't it? Guess what? The reason I gave it is because it works. Many, many things in life are interconnected and direct and indirect cause/effect relationships.

 

Verhrzn is so caught up on specific issues and so consumed with self-negativity that it spills over into other areas of her life. Despite what she and other folks like her think, this kind of core negativity can be sensed by others, no matter how well she thinks she may be hiding it.

 

All other things being equal, people who are have positive passions, who are interested in self improvement, and have a healthy self image will always be more attractive as friends and relationship partners than people who are consumed with such darkness.

 

I suspect that Verhrzn's path to happiness will not be a 1, 2, 3, BINGO approach. It'll probably be more like 1, 2, 2a, 2b, 3, 3b, 4, 5, 6, 4, 2, 7... etc.

 

As such, I'll present you with some more "typical" advice: to be master something, you must practice it every single day. Even if it all starts with but a fleeting thought making positive light of a situation, cultivating your own happiness can help you grow your life into what YOU want it to be.

[xxoo]

Returning to the original question, does anyone have suggestions on how to give up on the idea of a relationship? How to just be happy/positive about my eternal singledom?

 

Put your energy into things that make you look forward to each day.

 

Start with today: what would you enjoy today? What would give you a laugh, a smile, or a rush?

[verhrzn]

Put your energy into things that make you look forward to each day.

 

Start with today: what would you enjoy today? What would give you a laugh, a smile, or a rush?

 

... Nothing. That's rather the sad thing. I have things I enjoy doing, until I realize I suck at them, and then I get sad and depressed, and eventually lose interest.

 

For example, in the last month I've been trying to learn sewing. I've bought books and taken classes. I try to sew a little each day, or at least sit down with a pattern and really look at it. But after a month, I'm no better than I was... heck, I think I'm a little worse. (Probably because I have more knowledge. Now I known enough, to know I suck.)

 

It's the same with my writing, or my video games. I enjoy the games until I run into a boss battle where I die over and over again, and eventually I get so angry I abandon the game for weeks, but it just cycles over again with another game.

 

I've done so many things in my life... tennis, softball, martial arts, band (piano, flute, percussion), writing, sewing, games (video and table top), belly dancing, weight lifting, website design... and even though I've put in tons of dedicated time (sometimes years, I've been writing novels since I was seven) I've never improved. So how can you find joy in self improvement when you never improve?

 

PS: I thank everyone else for the responses, I will respond to them, I'm just thinking about them.

[OhHey]

... Nothing. That's rather the sad thing. I have things I enjoy doing, until I realize I suck at them, and then I get sad and depressed, and eventually lose interest.

 

For example, in the last month I've been trying to learn sewing. I've bought books and taken classes. I try to sew a little each day, or at least sit down with a pattern and really look at it. But after a month, I'm no better than I was... heck, I think I'm a little worse. (Probably because I have more knowledge. Now I known enough, to know I suck.)

 

It's the same with my writing, or my video games. I enjoy the games until I run into a boss battle where I die over and over again, and eventually I get so angry I abandon the game for weeks, but it just cycles over again with another game.

 

I've done so many things in my life... tennis, softball, martial arts, band (piano, flute, percussion), writing, sewing, games (video and table top), belly dancing, weight lifting, website design... and even though I've put in tons of dedicated time (sometimes years, I've been writing novels since I was seven) I've never improved. So how can you find joy in self improvement when you never improve?

 

I suck as a Mountain Biker and flying radio control helicopters:laugh: but I tell myself to calm down and just have fun with it even if it really hurts(crashes) sometimes:laugh: or spend hours adjusting the attack of tiny helicopter blades just to go for a test flight and bend the blades:laugh:

 

I still enjoy the challenge, even though I probably suck at it.

 

Gotta keep working at it and believe.....if you want it bad enough.

[Els]

Can you not possibly enjoy things that aren't achievement dependent? I understand where the desire for competition comes from, but IMO you need to make a conscious effort to just stop and smell the flowers and stop worrying about whether your botany pursuits are taking off and how well you can identify the flowers by smell. Enjoy an ice cream, a walk in the park, a TV show, the sort of thing that allows you to just relax without needing to 'be good' in it. It's good to have a variety of hobbies, IMO, some to challenge yourself and some just to relax - life isn't just about winning.

[xxoo]

We've been around this issue before. If you find joy in nothing, that is an issue that goes far beyond the relationship issue. That is a reason to see a medical provider.

 

You put a lot of emphasis (all emphasis, seemingly) on doing things well. What about simply enjoying the process? Are things not worth doing if you can not do them well?

 

I don't run well. I'll never be a great runner. But I enjoy running. It makes me feel great! When I lace up my shoes, there is no goal in mind other than enjoying this run. I'm not looking to lose weight, change my body shape, get faster, run farther, win a race, none of that. I am just looking to enjoy this run. When I'm not enjoyng it, I stop and walk

 

Singing and dancing are two more activities that bring me joy, even though I suck.

 

Other joys are not achievement related: dinners with friends, drives to a favorite small town, laying in a hammock, watching a sunset, etc.

 

Is there really nothing you can think of that would bring you joy today?

[betterdeal]

But reading through all of the responses confused and upset me, and I didn't know what to say back, so I went back to the original question, which wasn't exactly addressed.

 

"I don't know" is a valid response.

 

It's also part of what makes it possible to give up, let go, get over, move on from something, which does relate to the original question.

[d'Arthez]

... Nothing. That's rather the sad thing. I have things I enjoy doing, until I realize I suck at them, and then I get sad and depressed, and eventually lose interest.

 

I've done so many things in my life... tennis, softball, martial arts, band (piano, flute, percussion), writing, sewing, games (video and table top), belly dancing, weight lifting, website design... and even though I've put in tons of dedicated time (sometimes years, I've been writing novels since I was seven) I've never improved. So how can you find joy in self improvement when you never improve?

Some people simply are like that. The interesting and encouraging bit is that you at least try. You may be stuck with the perfectionist curse, but at least you try and experience new things. Problem with a lot of skills is that once you improve, you also tend to become more aware of how much you don't know. An increase in knowledge goes hand in hand with an increasing awareness of things you do not know.

 

Think of what you could gain by focusing an attempt on improving your life by working on your self-perception issues. Damn, you have a lot going for you. And that you are unwilling to admit it, is very sad. Don't give up on yourself.

[SmileFace]

I don't think he is saying to stop wanting but to focus on other things that will make you happy.

[verhrzn]

Accepting Yourself For Who You Are

 

That's a nice link, but it brings up some questions for me: why shouldn't we judge ourselves against others? That's how the world works: I got a job because I was a better fit than someone else. I got first place in the science fair because I had the best exhibit. I got a relationship because a guy decided I was the best candidate out of his options (that's not true in my case, I'm usually the only option, but I digress.) Shouldn't we measure ourselves how the world measures us... if you live in the world, isn't it important that you see yourself as others see you?

 

 

Verhrzn is so caught up on specific issues and so consumed with self-negativity that it spills over into other areas of her life. Despite what she and other folks like her think, this kind of core negativity can be sensed by others, no matter how well she thinks she may be hiding it.

 

All other things being equal, people who are have positive passions, who are interested in self improvement, and have a healthy self image will always be more attractive as friends and relationship partners than people who are consumed with such darkness.

 

Well I certainly won't claim I hide my negativity per say. I am very open about it among my friends. In relationships... sometimes I try to hide it, sometimes I don't. Yeah, I guess positive people are always gonna be better than negative people... though that begs the question why, then, should I bother. I AM a negative person... if I have to change my entire personality, essentially become someone who is not myself, than isn't that breaking the other fundamental rule of "be yourself"?

 

Futhermore, and I address this below, if you can't self-improve, then what?

 

Can you not possibly enjoy things that aren't achievement dependent? I understand where the desire for competition comes from, but IMO you need to make a conscious effort to just stop and smell the flowers and stop worrying about whether your botany pursuits are taking off and how well you can identify the flowers by smell. Enjoy an ice cream, a walk in the park, a TV show, the sort of thing that allows you to just relax without needing to 'be good' in it.

 

You put a lot of emphasis (all emphasis, seemingly) on doing things well. What about simply enjoying the process? Are things not worth doing if you can not do them well?

 

Other joys are not achievement related: dinners with friends, drives to a favorite small town, laying in a hammock, watching a sunset, etc.

 

Is there really nothing you can think of that would bring you joy today?

 

It's just... me, that my brain processes things as "Things aren't worth doing if they're not done well." I can enjoy "non-productive" activities for a very short period of time, and then I get bored/restless with them.

 

Yeah, sunsets are beautiful, but I can look at them for like a minute and then go "And now what?" I don't enjoy walks or drives unless I'm listening to an audio book, or working out a problem in my head. Even when watching TV, I have to be doing something with my hands or my brain. My brain is just always going. Heck, even when I take a bath I need to be reading or studying something.

 

Unless I'm productive, I don't gain joy out of the situation. It's just how I function.

 

"I don't know" is a valid response.

 

It's also part of what makes it possible to give up, let go, get over, move on from something, which does relate to the original question.

 

What's the rest of it?

 

Some people simply are like that. The interesting and encouraging bit is that you at least try. You may be stuck with the perfectionist curse' date=' but at least you try and experience new things. Problem with a lot of skills is that once you improve, you also tend to become [b']more[/b] aware of how much you don't know. An increase in knowledge goes hand in hand with an increasing awareness of things you do not know.

 

Think of what you could gain by focusing an attempt on improving your life by working on your self-perception issues. Damn, you have a lot going for you. And that you are unwilling to admit it, is very sad. Don't give up on yourself.

 

And how do I work on improving my self-perception issues? I guess I don't see me "trying" hobbies I ultimately fail at as encouraging... I see that as a signal that I actually suck as a human being, that I have not one discernible talent (except failing at things I guess.)

[gaius]

Returning to the original question, does anyone have suggestions on how to give up on the idea of a relationship? How to just be happy/positive about my eternal singledom?

Starting a pet collection seems to be a good first step.

[d'Arthez]

The more we learn about ourselves, the more we become aware of how little we know. The example of sewing you provided fits that pattern. You got better at sewing and became more aware of the things you cannot do, how complex a seemingly simple skill really is. That does not mean your skills have decreased in absolute terms.

 

I suck at sewing. Does that mean I am a useless person? I am not particularly good at cooking. Does that mean given the choice between cooking my own food and starving to death, I should pick the latter? Would you?

I'd rather think I'd be better off accepting that I will never be a chef.

 

That's how the world works: I got a job because I was a better fit than someone else. I got first place in the science fair because I had the best exhibit.

You were judged to have been better in the science fair. But does that mean everyone else sucked at science? No, it only means that of all the people who competed, your exhibit was the best. That of all the people who competed for the job you currently have, you had the best application / resume / skill set.

 

You have a very strong drive to work towards self-improvement (which is a very attractive feauture), yet you are also your biggest critic. You seem to loathe complacency, and seem unable to cut yourself some slack (this may also be because of the nature of communication on message boards).

The curse of the perfectionist is that perfection does not really exist, and you will always be chasing an illusionary goal. You'll be changing goal posts time and again. Because of our consciousness being tied to our temporal existence, we do not even really notice this. Think about that.

 

You are judging yourself by impossible standards, dare I say, even illogical ones. Think about the things people have posted in this thread. Not just the things that confirm your views, but also the things you are less certain about.

 

I would certainly not argue you should turn yourself into a Barbie clone (if I ever did, people have permission to shoot me). Just think of how much easier your life would be if you did not have to expend your emotional energy on your negative self-perception. That does not mean you should turn your life around waiting for f-ing Ken to show up either. He is too stupid for you anyway.

[TheBigQuestion]

... Nothing. That's rather the sad thing. I have things I enjoy doing, until I realize I suck at them, and then I get sad and depressed, and eventually lose interest.

 

For example, in the last month I've been trying to learn sewing. I've bought books and taken classes. I try to sew a little each day, or at least sit down with a pattern and really look at it. But after a month, I'm no better than I was... heck, I think I'm a little worse. (Probably because I have more knowledge. Now I known enough, to know I suck.)

 

It's the same with my writing, or my video games. I enjoy the games until I run into a boss battle where I die over and over again, and eventually I get so angry I abandon the game for weeks, but it just cycles over again with another game.

 

I've done so many things in my life... tennis, softball, martial arts, band (piano, flute, percussion), writing, sewing, games (video and table top), belly dancing, weight lifting, website design... and even though I've put in tons of dedicated time (sometimes years, I've been writing novels since I was seven) I've never improved. So how can you find joy in self improvement when you never improve?

 

PS: I thank everyone else for the responses, I will respond to them, I'm just thinking about them.

 

Didn't you say you have a black belt in taekwondo (or another martial art, correct me if I'm wrong)? How would you characterize that as "sucking" at Taekwondo? Do they just give out black belts if you pay money for them nowadays?

[xxoo]

It's just... me, that my brain processes things as "Things aren't worth doing if they're not done well."

 

I could argue that (do you really not enjoy singing, dancing, or other "doing" activities with your friends, regardless of how well you do it???), but let's go with it for a moment.....

 

There is a difference between doing things poorly, doing things well but not the best, and doing things very well. How well must you do things to enjoy it?

 

I think you need to be the best, or else you don't enjoy it. Black or white, like you are either beautiful or you are ugly--no vast in between where most of us live happily.

 

No matter who you are, and what you do, there will always be someone better, hotter, smarter, more talented. Some rare people rise to the top for a short reign, but they don't stay there! If our inner peace and happiness depends on being the best, we are in for a fall--every single one of us.

[verhrzn]

You have a very strong drive to work towards self-improvement (which is a very attractive feauture), yet you are also your biggest critic. You seem to loathe complacency, and seem unable to cut yourself some slack (this may also be because of the nature of communication on message boards).

The curse of the perfectionist is that perfection does not really exist, and you will always be chasing an illusionary goal. You'll be changing goal posts time and again. Because of our consciousness being tied to our temporal existence, we do not even really notice this. Think about that.

 

You are judging yourself by impossible standards, dare I say, even illogical ones. Think about the things people have posted in this thread. Not just the things that confirm your views, but also the things you are less certain about.

 

I would certainly not argue you should turn yourself into a Barbie clone (if I ever did, people have permission to shoot me). Just think of how much easier your life would be if you did not have to expend your emotional energy on your negative self-perception. That does not mean you should turn your life around waiting for f-ing Ken to show up either. He is too stupid for you anyway.

 

You definitely hit on the fact that I hate complacency. I'd never call myself a perfectionist... my very average GPA can attest to that (I graduated with a 3.4ish.) I think it's more I hate "settling," but I think your complacency observation was well-called. Never occurred to me before.

 

I think you're also probably right about moving the goal posts, possibly because as I know more, I raise my goal to fit my new found knowledge. I'd be interested to hear why you call them illogical. Impossible, I could give you, but why illogical?

 

Interestingly, I don't know if my life would be easier. I think it would be... well, complacent. By not expanding energy on my looks (worrying, trying to fix them, etc.) I'll have accepted their mediocrity. I think I fear that accepting = complacent = decay. By not focusing on my looks, I'll stop caring about them, and by not caring about them, they'll slide into the point of no return. Back in high school, I didn't even wash my hair. I didn't wear a cup bra until freshman year of college. I didn't rinse my face, or wear make-up or anything. I remember that as a period where I just didn't fixate or care about my looks, and I looked AWFUL as a result. I don't think I look good now, but at least I'm hygienic. If I stop putting forth energy worrying, I fear I'll slip back into that, which will guarantee romantic failure. Know what I mean?

 

Didn't you say you have a black belt in taekwondo (or another martial art, correct me if I'm wrong)? How would you characterize that as "sucking" at Taekwondo? Do they just give out black belts if you pay money for them nowadays?

 

I'm a black belt in another martial art. I love my art, but... yes I do wonder if they just give out belts. There was a girl a few classes below me, that I thought was AWFUL. Forgot her forms, didn't really practice, etc, and she got her belt. However, I don't know if that means everybody gets a belt regardless of skill level, or if she was just a world-class manipulator (which she was. Asian, very very attractive, and very good at playing the fragile-feminine-doll.)

 

There is a difference between doing things poorly, doing things well but not the best, and doing things very well. How well must you do things to enjoy it?

 

No matter who you are, and what you do, there will always be someone better, hotter, smarter, more talented. Some rare people rise to the top for a short reign, but they don't stay there! If our inner peace and happiness depends on being the best, we are in for a fall--every single one of us.

 

Perhaps this is odd, but I think I could be happy if I was the best (maybe not the best in the world, but "talented") at something. I think if I had at least one singular talent or characteristic that made people go," Wow," and link my name up to ("Wow, that Verhrzn is an amazing singer!" "Verhrzn has the most beautiful eyes of anyone I've seen"), I'd be satisfied with not being good at all the other stuff.

 

I don't necessarily want to be the best at everything. I just want one thing to hang my hat on, to really take pride and accomplishment in, and then I think I could relax and enjoy the things I'm not so good at.

[d'Arthez]

I think you're also probably right about moving the goal posts, possibly because as I know more, I raise my goal to fit my new found knowledge. I'd be interested to hear why you call them illogical. Impossible, I could give you, but why illogical?

I'd call it illogical because you judge your past performance on present knowledge. You had to learn to get there. This is true of all skills one can acquire. Whether that is sewing, conversing, science, cooking, chess, math. But you cannot know beforehand what you will learn that you did not know (and now know that you did not know certain things about a subject before you improved your knowledge of a certain subject; epistemology is not as straightforward as it may seem).

 

Back in high school, I didn't even wash my hair. I didn't wear a cup bra until freshman year of college. I didn't rinse my face, or wear make-up or anything. I remember that as a period where I just didn't fixate or care about my looks, and I looked AWFUL as a result. I don't think I look good now, but at least I'm hygienic. If I stop putting forth energy worrying, I fear I'll slip back into that, which will guarantee romantic failure. Know what I mean?

I do know what you mean. But there is a difference between basic hygiene, and spending all your money and time to look like whichever hottie is deemed "most beautiful."

What you are writing here may also have been a way of you telling yourself subconsciously that these impossible standards are just that - impossible, and that as a consequence you did not bother to try and achieve them in your high school days. Now the pendulum has swung the other way.

 

If you stopped worrying, you would not go back to how things were in high school. In high school you did not care. Do you need to worry about rotting teeth, before you make the effort to brush your teeth? If you stopped worrying, you would still do the basic stuff, but you would not expend copious amounts of emotional energy on it.

Instead of thinking "if I don't do this, I'll be single for the rest of my life", you might be thinking "it is just a part of life. I may not look like Jessica Biel / Megan Fox (or whatever dimwit is the fashion of the season), but I am a smart attractive woman."

 

Attractiveness is much more than just physical looks. It is an "aura" if you want. A real warm smile means more to me than physical perfection. There are many people out there who feel the same way. A good brain is probably the biggest turn-on there is.

 

I think if I had at least one singular talent or characteristic that made people go," Wow," and link my name up to ("Wow, that Verhrzn is an amazing singer!" "Verhrzn has the most beautiful eyes of anyone I've seen"), I'd be satisfied with not being good at all the other stuff.

But you do. I am sure of it. I have a hunch you don't handle compliments that well.

[xxoo]

But you do. I am sure of it. I have a hunch you don't handle compliments that well.

 

 

I'm sure of it, too.

 

I'm wildly jealous of her boobs!

[verhrzn]

I'm sure of it, too.

 

I'm wildly jealous of her boobs!

 

.... Why? Go get the same bra from V-Secret and you'll look the same, if not better.

[xxoo]

.... Why? Go get the same bra from V-Secret and you'll look the same, if not better.

 

No way. Yours are head-turners!

[verhrzn]

No way. Yours are head-turners!

 

It's pretty much just the bra. Seriously, guys who have seen em... not impressed.

[d'Arthez]

It's pretty much just the bra. Seriously, guys who have seen em... not impressed.

Different guys have different tastes. Some like massive knockers, others like smaller cupsizes.

 

It is a combination of the bra and the person wearing them.

[verhrzn]

Different guys have different tastes. Some like massive knockers, others like smaller cupsizes.

 

It is a combination of the bra and the person wearing them.

 

Well I meant with the bra off more. I'm pretty sure my last ex kind of found them repulsive. I think he preferred surgically enhanced ones.

[xxoo]

Well I meant with the bra off more. I'm pretty sure my last ex kind of found them repulsive. I think he preferred surgically enhanced ones.

 

ex was pretty much a jerk, right?

 

His opinion doesn't count.

[Mr Scorpio]

You definitely hit on the fact that I hate complacency. I'd never call myself a perfectionist... my very average GPA can attest to that (I graduated with a 3.4ish.)

 

In my world, an A- is a 3.5. In other words, a 3.4 isn't "average".