How To Accept It

[verhrzn]

In my world, an A- is a 3.5. In other words, a 3.4 isn't "average".

 

*Sigh* It'S average when you're trying to get into grad school. Which was my other dream. I've got three dreams:

1) become an anthropology professor specializing in either medical or social anthropology

2) write a novel that sells pretty well, but is viewed primarily as an exciting innovation in literature

3) have a husband and family.

 

That GPA tanked Dream #1.

[Leigh 87]

*Sigh* It'S average when you're trying to get into grad school. Which was my other dream. I've got three dreams:

1) become an anthropology professor specializing in either medical or social anthropology

2) write a novel that sells pretty well, but is viewed primarily as an exciting innovation in literature

3) have a husband and family.

 

That GPA tanked Dream #1.

 

 

 

 

 

For my social sciences degree, which I will go back into in a couple of years, anthropology is a subject which I loved! But, to better understand social anthropology, can't u see how recovering from your past will enable you to do this properly?

 

If you honestly do not see how u can change, to win people over, how will you be able to talk to people of different cultures, to even ascertain a great deal about them? If people do not warm to you, then.....

Although u did say u made good fist impressions!

 

For # 2 - I LIKE your writing:) You are funny and good at experssing yourself. What novel would you write? I KNOW!! --- how about, you journal your journy to recovery from your this current.... depressive phase of your life?

 

You know - totally changing from not believing in yourself and fully embracing yourself and loving the unique things about you - and changing into a happy and positive person - could GREATLY HELP other women like yourself.

Or, is fiction more your thing?

[Leigh 87]

We've been around this issue before. If you find joy in nothing, that is an issue that goes far beyond the relationship issue. That is a reason to see a medical provider.

 

You put a lot of emphasis (all emphasis, seemingly) on doing things well. What about simply enjoying the process? Are things not worth doing if you can not do them well?

 

I don't run well. I'll never be a great runner. But I enjoy running. It makes me feel great! When I lace up my shoes, there is no goal in mind other than enjoying this run. I'm not looking to lose weight, change my body shape, get faster, run farther, win a race, none of that. I am just looking to enjoy this run. When I'm not enjoyng it, I stop and walk

 

Singing and dancing are two more activities that bring me joy, even though I suck.

 

Other joys are not achievement related: dinners with friends, drives to a favorite small town, laying in a hammock, watching a sunset, etc.

 

Is there really nothing you can think of that would bring you joy today?

 

 

 

....I am not a great runner, but I try to run every week day. Um - do u seriously JUSt do it because u enjoy it? I enjoy it a great deal, however; if being " fit" had no bearing to my health or appearance - I would sure run less often... Because without the health and physicals benifits from running, all there is, is the mood high from exercise. Again, that is linked to health..... So you do it for health, in other words? Health, meaning = an elevated mood? Not to improve your running style, fitness, or apeparace, no - but improving your mood is still health related?

 

I really do not get people who run just because they " Love it" haha. Aside frm the high mood, surely being fit, looking good, and feeling mentally and emotionally more sound as a result, are THE reasons most pepole run?

Back on topic, V needs help. She needs to re learn ( or, sadly, " learn") how to find joy in life.

 

I will give u an example of what I enjoy daily!

 

- playing, kissing, cuddling, and being around my little dogs. My heart grows and I feel love.

 

- going for runs 5 days a week - even though I cannot even run yet; I slow jog at best haha.

 

running empowers me in that I have control over being a healthy and fit individual, with sexy curves that I take care of. And, of course, the high u get from being active is equally as great.

 

- reading - be it a non fiction type novel in bed, comfy - or sitting in bed reading personal experiences here on LoveShack .

 

- smiling at people, and having them smile back.

 

- lifting a persons mood, making them animated about something they care about.

 

- Being around people. In general. I enjoy being positive and happy, laughing with people, having them tell me things about their lives and vise versa.

 

- I get a real kick when I click with people, and they think I am a really nice girl.

 

- shopping. I LOVE shopping. Just plane old grocery shopping. I like finding cool new healthy options.

 

- cooking recipes and any old cooking in general.

 

- shopping for new clothes and shoes AND bags.. I love espressing my individuality through my outward appearance - I am proud of who I am, and it is a way people can see who you are without even talking to you!

 

Then again - walking down the street tends to make me happy. Because I have turned into a happy person. Through much hard work, as I was not born this way. At. All.

I think the problem is so inbuilt in V, that she is just plain not HAPPY. How can she find joy in life, if she does not know HOW to be happy.

This is an issue V will need professional help with.

I hope V realises that she does not have to feel this way forever. That there is a way she can feel true joy and contentment.

I feel badly for people who have no nice people in their lives; no positivity, no joy in anything. It is so sad, and I hope all people like this feel that it is WORTH getting help; that change is possible.

[Leigh 87]

Here are a few things V could enjoy when she learns true happiness:

 

- writing is a great hobby. You can blog your writing and others can enjoy it.

You can form or join writers groups or book clubs.

 

- if she smiles more and is mroe positive and happy in life and loves meeting people, maybe she can have a friend she goes to martial arts with ( she could even take up a new method!)

 

- a simple walk through the park with a new friend she makes.

 

- she could learn to get a kick out of trying new things even if she sucks.

 

 

..... Honestly, MOST OF US SUCK hahahaha. Seriously! Most hobbies and things people enjoy, they, well.. are not great at them! At least not to begin with!

[udolipixie]

You can accept that you're an awful ugly person by being comfortable with who you are or change who you are to your liking. The ugly bit can be reworked by losing weight, fashion advice centered around face/body shape and complexion, and emphasing your best feature. I've know many but-her-face gals.

 

You can be positive about never achieving any of your current dreams by dreaming up new ones. It's probably best suited to have dreams that don't center or involve having a guy in your life.

 

You can be positive about dying alone as generally most people die alone.

 

As for the unloved bit you can get a pet most of the gals in heterosexual relationships and marriages say their children or pets give more or better love than the guy as it all went down hill for her after the honeymoon phase.

[d'Arthez]

I've got three dreams:

1) become an anthropology professor specializing in either medical or social anthropology

2) write a novel that sells pretty well, but is viewed primarily as an exciting innovation in literature

3) have a husband and family.

 

Why give up on your dreams? #1 may seem difficult to attain, but by no means does that mean you have to forget about doing something with medical or social anthropology. Especially if you could combine your knowledge and skills with a bit of traveling / living different places. You'd be surprised how valuable the views of an outsider can be in contributing to various fields of study; once you do not share the same cultural assumptions it is easier to make sense of how systems work (I am speaking from experience here - if you want I can provide you some details).

You come across as someone who can put two and two together in one field, and not be completely lost in another field. Such people are frighteningly rare these days.

 

You could also discover that you are actually really good at writing, and decide to write more than one novel. Developing your skills and knowledge will definitely help you there as well. It is a bit of a writer's curse when they are highly self-critical; they tend to lose sight of the fact that what is not good enough for them is already a gazillion times better than the tripe that is fashionable these days.

 

#3 is certainly within your reach (in fact I'd be surprised if that does not happen).

 

It is a myth you have to be a positive person to get the most out of life. There is something to be said for classical Buddhism or Zen Buddhism. When you can live in the moment itself, and do things that are agreeable to you, you have a good life.

[Els]

It's just... me, that my brain processes things as "Things aren't worth doing if they're not done well." I can enjoy "non-productive" activities for a very short period of time, and then I get bored/restless with them.

 

Yeah, sunsets are beautiful, but I can look at them for like a minute and then go "And now what?" I don't enjoy walks or drives unless I'm listening to an audio book, or working out a problem in my head. Even when watching TV, I have to be doing something with my hands or my brain. My brain is just always going. Heck, even when I take a bath I need to be reading or studying something.

 

Unless I'm productive, I don't gain joy out of the situation. It's just how I function.

 

I understand, V, and I used to be the same. Some personality types are not happy unless they're 'working' on something. I used to be obsessed about doing everything 'well', until I realized that we only had one life, and if I was spending mine beating on myself for not being the best at everything I did and turning everything into a competition, I really was not doing myself justice. I learnt to temper this instinct with the ability to slow down and just enjoy myself. It actually took time and deliberate effort at first, but now I think I'm a pro at enjoying life.

[xxoo]

I really do not get people who run just because they " Love it" haha. Aside frm the high mood, surely being fit, looking good, and feeling mentally and emotionally more sound as a result, are THE reasons most pepole run?

 

I seriously love it. It makes me feel like a kid again. I've got kids of my own, and they are my role models for joy

 

V, what makes you feel like a kid again? Were you a joyful child?

[verhrzn]

Why give up on your dreams? #1 may seem difficult to attain' date=' but by no means does that mean you have to forget about doing something with medical or social anthropology. Especially if you could combine your knowledge and skills with a bit of traveling / living different places. [/quote']

 

I'm not sure how familiar you are with the field, but it requires a PhD to even break into entry level positions. Without the academic certification, I'm pretty shut out.

 

V, what makes you feel like a kid again? Were you a joyful child?

 

Yes and no. My memories of childhood are adults telling me to be quiet a lot. I had a loud voice and I was very high-spirited. I used to jump up and down when I got excited, and people hated it. Even now, on the occasions I'm "joyful" I seem to freak people out. I'm too "intense," I think.

 

Um... I guess going to Disneyworld makes me feel like a kid again. That's about it.

 

By my older years (late elementary) I remember being really melancholy. I once sat down in the middle of our street hoping someone would run me over.

[zengirl]

*Sigh* It'S average when you're trying to get into grad school. Which was my other dream. I've got three dreams:

1) become an anthropology professor specializing in either medical or social anthropology

2) write a novel that sells pretty well, but is viewed primarily as an exciting innovation in literature

3) have a husband and family.

 

That GPA tanked Dream #1.

 

Why? My undergrad GPA wasn't off the charts, and I'll have a PhD soon and could easily have an academic career. You can build a resume with any number of things, honestly, especially if you're willing to do a stand-alone Masters first and then go for the PhD. You won't get as much funding, but a 3.4 GPA doesn't tank that dream. Especially if you can study for the GRE and get a great score. You've lived abroad, you've worked, you are a black belt, you have accomplishments that could easily be woven into a good package.

 

You could also easily start writing. The way to write well is to write crappy first.

 

And I really don't think #3 is out of your reach at all either. I do think that pinning all your hopes on it, because you don't believe you can achieve your other dreams or value what you do have in your life, makes it and everything harder.

[verhrzn]

Why? My undergrad GPA wasn't off the charts, and I'll have a PhD soon and could easily have an academic career. You can build a resume with any number of things, honestly, especially if you're willing to do a stand-alone Masters first and then go for the PhD. You won't get as much funding, but a 3.4 GPA doesn't tank that dream. Especially if you can study for the GRE and get a great score. You've lived abroad, you've worked, you are a black belt, you have accomplishments that could easily be woven into a good package.

 

I cannot afford a Masters; I still have crushing debt from my undergrad, and I am not going into a lucrative enough field to cover the loans necessary for a Masters. I've applied to... 15 schools in the last two years, and got rejected by each of them. They all want, at minimum, a 3.7 GPA for their PhD. It's PhD funding, or bust.

 

I think it also depends on what field you're going into. I don't know in what area you're getting your PhD, but the requirements for history/anthropology are VERY tight. I have not done internships (because they're ALL freaking unpaid), or really anything that would make me a good candidate for those sorts of programs.

 

You could also easily start writing. The way to write well is to write crappy first.

 

Yeah, but I've been writing since I was 7. I've written thousands of pages. At what point do you just say "Well, looks like I'm just a ****ty writer"?

 

And I really don't think #3 is out of your reach at all either. I do think that pinning all your hopes on it, because you don't believe you can achieve your other dreams or value what you do have in your life, makes it and everything harder.

 

Well if you have any suggestions on how to give up on dream #3, I'm all ears, as that was the idea for this thread.

[zengirl]

I cannot afford a Masters; I still have crushing debt from my undergrad, and I am not going into a lucrative enough field to cover the loans necessary for a Masters. I've applied to... 15 schools in the last two years, and got rejected by each of them. They all want, at minimum, a 3.7 GPA for their PhD. It's PhD funding, or bust.

 

I think it also depends on what field you're going into. I don't know in what area you're getting your PhD, but the requirements for history/anthropology are VERY tight. I have not done internships (because they're ALL freaking unpaid), or really anything that would make me a good candidate for those sorts of programs.

 

My cousin has a Masters in Anthropology and uses it to do marketing work that's very lucrative. She could go for a PhD and go into academia now if she chose. She had undergraduate debt and paid for grad school (some debt, some working as she went) while working FT. She got really lucrative jobs right after --- many of which go unfilled. She basically does demo research with her degree. She may not do it forever, but she paid off all her loans and saved up a lot of money in just 3 years. Anyway, she got into that Masters program with a really crap GPA and without even taking the GRE.

 

I understand the conventional route is blocked, but my point is: you can often make alternate routes happen.

 

Yeah, but I've been writing since I was 7. I've written thousands of pages. At what point do you just say "Well, looks like I'm just a ****ty writer"?

 

What makes you think you're ****ty? Do you workshop? Are you in a writing group? If you're just you, writing in a vacuum, you're not going to get as much better as if you work with others. Writing is not as solitary a skill as some people think.

 

Well if you have any suggestions on how to give up on dream #3, I'm all ears, as that was the idea for this thread.

 

Find something to do and work towards in the moment that you can enjoy. Example: Pick a theme and write a blog that could become a book. Heck, write a blog about social anthropology applied to daily life if you want. Or any number of other things that could suit some of your goals and interests and make you feel empowered.

[d'Arthez]

Well if you have any suggestions on how to give up on dream #3, I'm all ears, as that was the idea for this thread.

You can't. Because you don't want to. Think about it.

[verhrzn]

My cousin has a Masters in Anthropology and uses it to do marketing work that's very lucrative. She could go for a PhD and go into academia now if she chose. She had undergraduate debt and paid for grad school (some debt, some working as she went) while working FT. She got really lucrative jobs right after --- many of which go unfilled. She basically does demo research with her degree. She may not do it forever, but she paid off all her loans and saved up a lot of money in just 3 years. Anyway, she got into that Masters program with a really crap GPA and without even taking the GRE.

 

I understand the conventional route is blocked, but my point is: you can often make alternate routes happen.

 

I think your cousin is probably very rare. Most of the PhDs I know are really struggling for jobs. My anthro profs in undergrad all said the same thing," If they're not funding you, don't go, it means they don't want you." I have never heard of a Masters that didn't require a GE... can I ask what program she went through?

 

 

What makes you think you're ****ty? Do you workshop? Are you in a writing group? If you're just you, writing in a vacuum, you're not going to get as much better as if you work with others. Writing is not as solitary a skill as some people think.

 

I've had some friends (and a bf when I was dating him) read over my stuff, and their reaction was all," Meh. It's pedestrian/average." My themes are all over the place, my characters aren't relate-able, my pacing is way off... there are just so many things wrong I'd be mortified to put it in front of a writing group.

 

Find something to do and work towards in the moment that you can enjoy. Example: Pick a theme and write a blog that could become a book. Heck, write a blog about social anthropology applied to daily life if you want. Or any number of other things that could suit some of your goals and interests and make you feel empowered.

 

I did have a blog on "Dating as an Ugly Girl," kind of trying to explore what it's like for an unattractive woman in today's dating scene. But I got frustrated about how to organize my thoughts, and no one read it anyway, so I gave up.

 

This kind of goes back to the: "If I suck at it, I don't want to do it." If I write a blog that no one reads, why bother, I might as well just talk at myself in the mirror. At least that wouldn't be as embarrassing as having a blog with a readership of me.

[verhrzn]

You can't. Because you don't want to. Think about it.

 

It's true, I don't want to give it up, but I apparently should give it up, so I better start figuring out how.

[xxoo]

You want to have children, so I'm assuming you like kids....

 

Children can be amazing teachers. They force us to live in the present, experiencing this moment alone. Being able to live in the moment can be integral to experiencing peace and joy.

 

Do you spend any time with kids? I'm not talking about working with kids, or even volunteering....just hanging out with a girlfriend who has a kid you like. Most moms would love it if you would hang out with her kid and teach her kid something you love to do (the kid will consider you a gaming or karate master!). We love it when people take an interest in our kids.

 

And you will learn from the child things that you knew and forgot, or maybe never had the chance to learn, about finding joy in the tiny moments of life.

[d'Arthez]

I've had some friends (and a bf when I was dating him) read over my stuff, and their reaction was all," Meh. It's pedestrian/average." My themes are all over the place, my characters aren't relate-able, my pacing is way off... there are just so many things wrong I'd be mortified to put it in front of a writing group.

Just because others cannot relate to it, may not be indicative of the quality of your writings. A lot of people love Stephenie Meyer. Call me Shirley if you want, but I don't have the impression that is your idea of a good writer.

How many people in Kafka's social circle could relate to his writings? The guy even had as a last wish that Max Brod burn all his writings. Max did not do it. Kafka became one of the most important writers in the 20th century.

 

It's true, I don't want to give it up, but I apparently should give it up, so I better start figuring out how.

If I were doing what everybody thinks I should be doing, I'd be betraying myself every second of my life. That is a price I am not willing to pay, and I don't think you would want to pay the same price. You live life for yourself, and not for the benefit of others.

Even if someone gave you an answer of how you could do it, you would unable to do it, since you do not want to do it. The question is pointless, because you'd hate the answer.

[writergal]

It's true, I don't want to give it up, but I apparently should give it up, so I better start figuring out how.

 

I can totally relate to what you're going through with figuring out what you want to do with the next decade or so of your life. You want to pursue higher education but you also could pursue the published writer's route; you want to start a family too.

 

You can accomplish all of these things, I believe, if you sit down and make a list (hear me out); "Plan A: Anthro PhD" "Plan B: Published Writer" and "Plan C: Marriage and Family." Then underneath each title, make a list of all the steps involved in achieving those. Dismiss those naysayers you mentioned in previous posts who told you not to go for your Anthro PhD. They are just speaking from THEIR experience - but that doesn't mean there isn't another way.

 

Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

I feel like I'm living proof of British writer Catherine Aird's quote, "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." I switched grad school programs like an idiot - and I say idiot in hindsight because what I really wanted to do was drop out and pursue a completely different field instead. But I panicked, being unprepared financially to do that, so I opted for the easy way out - 2 more years taking the same courses over again for the same masters degree which I realize now I DONT WANT. I'm at the end of my program and made a PLAN A and PLAN B for myself. Plan A is to finish my student teaching portion but not one state exam that i know I can't pass, and then go right into PLAN B. Or, just focus on PLAN B right now and if that pans out, nix the fall student teaching.

 

All I'm saying is: don't compromise your future like I did, based on a fear response of "what if?" Don't paralyze yourself with self-doubt which is the worst kind of weapon we use against ourselves.

 

If you want to get your Anthro PhD: do it. Find people who will suport your alternative entry into the field. Brainstorm with Anthro mentors you trust about ways to get experience to help you; like do an internship to compensate for your low GPA because you can get stellar letters of recommendation that may hold more weight than those extra 3 GPA points you say you need. Or, find a local writing center and immerse yourself in writer groups or classes so you can build a community of writers around you who support you goal of becoming a published writer. Blog again. Find an editor (my author friends tell me that is the first step after you've written the book) who will edit your manuscript first. Get an agent who will do your footwork finding a publisher for you. Start going to open mic nights and read your unpublished manuscripts. I did that with my awful poetry for a few years when I thought being a Slam Poet would be fun. Then I realized, it wasn't for me. Then I entered grad school and completely closed myself off from all my creative outlets and networks. But now I'm going to re-enter those again this summer to rekindle old connections and try to make new ones, to network and rebuild a creative community around me again. You can do the same. It just takes some planning.

 

What I'm finding with my situation is that if I only think inside the box, I remain trapped to repeat the same mistakes. Learn from me, young Jedi and DON'T TRAP YOURSELF INSIDE YOUR OWN BOX.

 

So I'm really brainstorming all over the place of different ways to make my new goals of finding a career in public relations or broadcast radio or tv happen. I also want to get my book of short stories published. So...I've put that on my "to do list" for this summer. Today at my temp job, I wrote down a bunch of editors names whom I want to contact, and I am going to email some writer friends of mine because I want to start walking my talk, if you what I mean? No more BSing myself. Time to put talk into action.

 

I think you can achieve all 3 of your plans if you really want to. Just have to surround yourself with people who support your pursuit of each of those plans and before you know it, they will happen.

 

A new friend recently asked me what my "dream" is. My response: Inception into an authentic life, meaning, I've finally decided to live my life the way I want to, not the way I thought others wanted me to. d'Arthez has it right: don't betray yourself anymore by doing what you think everyone wants you to do. I fell into that trap my entire life and now I want out. And awareness is the first footstep out of that self-imposed cage.

 

Start living your authentic life. You were put here for a purpose. We all were. Don't let anyone misdirect your plans anymore. Be more selective with the information you receive from people; especially when they feed you criticism or negativity. You aren't required to accept their opinion as the only one, or the correct one. It's your call.

 

Word.

Edited May 11, 2012 by writergal

[zengirl]

I think your cousin is probably very rare. Most of the PhDs I know are really struggling for jobs. My anthro profs in undergrad all said the same thing," If they're not funding you, don't go, it means they don't want you." I have never heard of a Masters that didn't require a GE... can I ask what program she went through?

 

Some online program in TX. She didn't live in the state but she flew in a few times a year. I honestly don't even know what school because she never actually "went" to there. I know she was in an anthropology program that directly related to demographics and could be applied to marketing, but you could easily get a more 'academic' anthropology PhD AFTER that kind of a Masters, focusing on a more marketable Masters just in case, etc, etc, was my point. When we were kids, btw, it seemed very unlikely my cousin would even go to college. She went 4 years after I did, despite being 2 years older. She struggled at first and switched colleges 4 times. Now she makes about 200,000 dollars a year, granted in high-cost living SoCal. She has always done crap on standardized tests and never gotten particularly spectacular grades. What she DOES get and utilize to full advantage are spectacular reviews and she sought out enrichment experiences to round out her resume. She had a 4.0 in her Masters, but most people can get that more easily in the MA/MS than undergraduate because of the focus on a particular high-interest topic.

 

I've had some friends (and a bf when I was dating him) read over my stuff, and their reaction was all," Meh. It's pedestrian/average." My themes are all over the place, my characters aren't relate-able, my pacing is way off... there are just so many things wrong I'd be mortified to put it in front of a writing group.

 

Writing groups should be safe spaces. Not all are, but many are. Everyone else is showing work at various stages too -- criticism will be given, but it's criticism of the piece, not the writer. At any rate, ALL writing is pedestrian in first-draft form, IME. Some people can revise by themselves but most need to be taught to revise to make work wonderful. If you are serious about writing, you have to be able to accept rejection and always endeavor to make a piece better. Good writers aren't good writers because they write everything wonderfully on a 1st try and get all gold stars. They're good writers because they're not afraid to write crap, get opinions, and refine it to make it great.