How To Accept It

[OhHey]

Well that's why I need to accept being alone, that I'm just gonna have a ****ty life... because I have a sh*tty inner core. People on the forum have been telling me this for the last 10 months I've been here... that I'm an awful, attention-seeking, negative, b*tch, on top of being told how ugly I am in real life. And I've finally gotten the message. That's apparently just who I am. Someone with a worthless core, who is too cowardly to just end it.

 

Your inner core is awesome. Last night I wanted to comment on your signature, but I felt I'd push the "stalker" image to far or kiss ass image lol....I like it though. Your inner core is great, don't change that, for anyone. I also love my inner core....people here do not realize just how clever and inventive I am...I'm also an awesome driver lol. I know where your "bitchiness" comes from(no insult) but you indeed are a clever, funny and I love your sarcasm....love it.

 

As for being an attention seeker, I get that a lot too....have to shrug it off, because it is what people say when they do not get how it is for you within. We both know we'd like to just take the advice and go with it, but it is not that easy and we just make another thread about the same things....very easy for people to write you off as an attention seeker or man-bitch when we keep dwelling on the same thing and don't do anything about it.

With me I kept on bitching about my stuff endlessly not that I wanted attention as in "look at me I want people to talk nothing but about ME ME ME" but as in "I need to get this out no matter how many times and keep people in tune to what is happening in my mind...Makes me feel better knowing people are acknowledging me, but I need them to stick with me through this no matter what even if it takes a 100 threads" Before forums I never was able to fully express myself in this way. It was a great relief and it took tons of threads to keep that relief.

 

You're not an attention seeker in the most common sense, but you have to realize how you and I can appear to be that way. You can't take that personally though. It's a "forum thing"

 

No one here said you are too cowardly to end it, they'd be banned for that and if I saw it I would make sure they were banned for it. A certain poster(I won't say who, because I'd appear to be kissing ass) but she sticks with you even though you frustrate her not trying to help yourself or anything... She was totally right in that you need serious offline intervention ec tect...

I hope you accept that reality and her continued push on you too finally give in and accept what she has been telling you forever....it is time to get some serious help and the forum is never going to cure you.

 

Wish to hell I did the same....People like that are the ones you want on your side...don't push em away, V....do them proud and accept what they are telling you is true....you need to let that wall down and get your butt on the way to dealing with your situation....right now.

[OhHey]

Don't let others destroy your life.

 

There is so much more to life than idiots making fun of you and abusing you. It really poisons your own self perceptions, leads to a vicious cycle that seems increasingly impossible to break.

That can take on dramatic forms, and it is difficult to overcome that, especially since our culture mainly equates looks with attractiveness. You feel - and whether that is based on fact or myth (a lot of young aspiring models suffer from the same predicament) - that you are physically ugly, and it certainly DOES NOT make you a drama queen or a useless person or anything.

 

It does not even mean that you are ugly. Yet no matter how many people say online or in real life that you are not ugly, or tell you you are beautiful, it is something that you want to believe, but cannot believe. Most people do not understand fully that self-perception and "objective" perception do not necessarily match. Hence the easy explanation for your behaviour would be that you are an attention-seeker. But it is also a wrong explanation.

 

Because you meet with hostility, your natural instinct is to emotionally defend yourself, but which tends to fuel the problematic self-perception again and again. You can do that with words, and in real life you have countless of other options at your disposal to erect defences and shield yourself.

 

It is interesting you responded to my response as you did. I certainly would not suggest your whole core is rotten, but that the BDD you seem to be suffering from, is an obstacle you need to overcome. Once you can be happy being inside your body, all your other problems will greatly diminish.

 

At the moment, your defences serve you well to protect yourself as a person, but you also realize that the same barriers are a hindrance to the other goals in your life. Goals which are certainly not over the top, no matter what anyone may tell you.

 

When you do not have to expend a lot of your emotional energy to simply keep on living, that emotional energy can be harnessed and used to achieve your goals.

 

You won't believe this, but you have a lot to offer a lucky man. One day you will. I know you will address your issues and concerns, because you don't want to waste your life.

 

Dammit Dammit! Why can't I give out responses like this?

 

Excellent, Excellent post....it even gave me a lil boost...

 

Kudos...

[Leigh 87]

V, I am seriously worried about you; that you will top yourself in time, if you DO NOT make the changes to yourself that you so desperately need.

I actually uiet enjoy reading your stuff - because your a good writer. Your good at sounding like yourself via the way you express youself in the written form.... If only it were not so depressive.

When I was that depressed, I had suicidle thoughts daily:(

 

Your not a " hottie'. Yeah - it sucks. ... But, you ARE cute and attractive to some people, which is better than a lot of people who are not even CUTE to ANY one, yes?

AGAIN - I will reitorate - there are UGLY or unnattractive people who ARE HAPPY.

As for your personality - your NOT an awful person. Your a person who is not positive, energized, and happy with anything, because you have had sh**TY experiences in life!

I WAS IN YOUR POSITION. I PROMISE.

In high school, I was known throughout the 3 schools ( mine, the sister girl school and the all boys school); I was WELL KNOWN for being " Leigh, the really, really ugly chick, YUCK EW, pimples all over her face, frizzy hair that is an awful shape, a big hooked nose, CHUBBY ( yes I was actually OVERWEIGHT). EVERY ONE knew me as the ugly girl, I had an actual REPUTATION for being ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was constantly BULLIED. I had NO friends for the most part, due to my looks and resulting lack in confidence and drive, since about age 11.

The rare times I DID get invited to a sleepover, was with the ultra nice girl who invited all the grade around to her place, 20 girls no sh*t. MOST of the time, she would politely tell me that " although the entire grade is invited, people are begging me to not invite you. They do not want you there. Sorry, I think it is really mean, but I want to have my sleepovers, and everyone will act mean to you if you came, and people will be in sh8tty mood if you come"

The times I did come, the girls would all talk about " which girls u would kiss here". I was always among the 2 - 3 girls that NO ONE would kiss.

 

I was SERIOUSLY ugly. WAY MORE SO than you. It IS hard for the proufoundly ugly - as looks are important, so I DID fix my teeth, and improved my appearance through working out, and taking the bc pill for my skin.

After a lifetime of misery, my looks were fixed, and THEN I worked on my personality.

I am actually hot when I take play up my assets, have clear skin, and have my killer thin yet very curvy body.

I now deal with being called hot a lot by guys, and yet I am a lovely person ( something I am SO proud of more so than my appearance). I was a VERY ugly ducking, and it has made me a great person, that I did not get by on my looks, and was actually TORMENTED for them....

Being HOT was nto necessary; but, VERY extremely ugly people - it is HARD for them to develope great charisma and charm, when people around you are really uncomfortable with your disgusting appearance. SO, yes, some very ugly people could really do with HELP. NOt to be hot, though. I got lucky. Just to be accepted, to not be a thing people feel disgusted by.

 

I was so ugly, people felt uncomfortable being around me, and could not warm to me. Life is unfair. Your NOT terrible ugly, the way I was, and many people are.... Let that be a problem for the truly ugly people. Your just not that " hot" , and have encountered IDIOTS, who epxloit the fact your not pretty TO THEM, and also lack self worth and self esteem, and any confidence in general ( that is not tainted with your bitterness towards the cards you have been delt).

Your not attractive to some people, and they are the idiots u have dealt with - they sense something off in your, and know they CAN talk to u that way.

Come on, mann... PLENTY of UGLY people, and people less attractive than you, would absolutely NOT stand folr the treatment you have been subjected through. They would say " what? you dumped me for not being attractive! Really? Your a shallow jerk, thanks for wasting my time, I will now go on to find a guy who adores me and does not feed me such trivial crap, about wanting a hotter girl"

 

Your not attractive to all people, but your still cute to SOME people at least. There are SO MANY variables going on here; the area your in may not have many people who find you to be attractive; the area you live in may have guys that SEAM nice, but are actually cowardly deap down, making people like them, but being nasty and showing their true colours to peopel they deam " low quality".

Your sure are cute to some people, and a guy who trly adores you will find you to be beautiful and sexy to them.

Why not save up your money and spend some time travelling? Just 3 months away every couple of years, travelling through Europe, and the next time, south america or Australia even ( ) .... I think it would b e geat for you to encounter all sorts of different people! After you help yourself more, of couse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASE READ ALL MY POST!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to write in better paragraphs and make my post easier to read than my previous posts. Moreover, I KNOW WHAT HELL IT CAN BE to be a terribly negative and depressed person BECAUSE of the way I looked!

Please - I really want you to see this situation for what it IS: a few people found you to be unnattractive to them, and those are the people you have encountered in life, that have been bad people, enough to let your appearance bring you down.

Now, you need to go on serious damage control, and TURN INTO A POSITIVE PERSON.

With the help of a therapist, the RIGHT therapist mind you, you need to learn to see the world differently.

You need to think more like " wow, what a terrible experience I went through, I cann't wait to be a more happy and positive person, a lovely girl who people very much life; and then one day, guys will see how lovely I am, how truly nice I am and unique I am as an invidividual, and one guy will want me".

[Leigh 87]

That poster was spot on! Your experience does NOT actually mean you were all that ugly. Younger people are seriously ignorant; it means that you were NOT attractive to them. Let me recite: young people are generally ignorant, @ssholes of people - they discriminate against people who do not look like the media portrays women in the movies ( thin, pretty faces). Anyone different, who is not tanned, thin, and super attractive to them, is a target for bullies.

 

I was truly ugly, but I do not think you are. That people did not enjoy what you had to offer physically, does NOT mean your ugly to the majority of people... just some totally ignorant, narrow minded, nasty people.

 

........... Aint it a little sad, that you letting those total, utter MORONS of people ( yes people who discriminate due to looks ARE really low quality), are you going to let people that awful, bring you down forever?

 

WHy not accept you were not their ideal of beautiful, but CHOOSE to not let it make you feel ugly to EVERY ONE?

 

You had terrible experiences. And your right- your not the stero type, tanned, thin, long flowing hair - image, of " hot". So, because your not hot enough for guys to notice, you are stuck in your self negativity.

 

Most people are not hot enough for guys to really look at twice, but they are cute to some people, it does not make them ugly simply because they are not the stero typed " hot".

 

 

I am worried about you, V, feel free to PM me any time for support, seeing as I know what it is like to be visciously bullied.

...............................I never thought I would be happy, but now I feel such utter joy and true love in my life. It is SO awesome:) And I never thought I would get there.

[spiderowl]

Just a thought but do you think that the kind of person who would tell you you were ugly is the kind of person you should decide is mentally competent to judge such things? It seems to me that someone who would do that to another human being is:

 

(1) callous

(2) insensitive

(3) deliberately cruel

(4) probably has their own motive for being negative about you

(5) may even be jealous of your attractiveness

 

No one in their right minds criticises a person that way. Has it occurred to you that these warped people are simply expressing their own cruel/aggressive natures towards anyone they think might be vulnerable to them? They might have sensed that you would be hurt by their comments but that does not mean they are right. Bullies will use whatever they can to hurt others and are perfectly capable of lying if they think it will hurt.

 

I think you are probably very cute, a nice person, gentle, and they are simply jealous or resentful that you are getting more attention than they are or not paying them attention. Think very hard about what motivates such a person and do not let them have any decision-making power about your attractiveness. They are not competent.

[pteromom]

This is why I come to LS, lol makes me feel better about not being "hitched"

 

Still though....what a dream having a real relationship can be.

 

A REAL one being the key. But far too many people settle for any person that shows interest in them, without considering whether the person fits into their life or brings happiness and value to it.

 

If you are young still, don't worry about being in a relationship - BUT - work on yourself so that when you are ready, you will be a well-rounded, handy, intelligent, helpful, patient, kind, and INTERESTING partner to someone. Those are all things you can do now to prepare, and will make your future relationship so much better!

[Leigh 87]

Just a thought but do you think that the kind of person who would tell you you were ugly is the kind of person you should decide is mentally competent to judge such things? It seems to me that someone who would do that to another human being is:

 

(1) callous

(2) insensitive

(3) deliberately cruel

(4) probably has their own motive for being negative about you

(5) may even be jealous of your attractiveness

 

No one in their right minds criticises a person that way. Has it occurred to you that these warped people are simply expressing their own cruel/aggressive natures towards anyone they think might be vulnerable to them? They might have sensed that you would be hurt by their comments but that does not mean they are right. Bullies will use whatever they can to hurt others and are perfectly capable of lying if they think it will hurt.

 

I think you are probably very cute, a nice person, gentle, and they are simply jealous or resentful that you are getting more attention than they are or not paying them attention. Think very hard about what motivates such a person and do not let them have any decision-making power about your attractiveness. They are not competent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRUE. I think that truly nice people, will not call another person " ugly"... Seriously. I have NO time for people who say that to people.

 

A person with manners and who is good with dealing with people, would realise, this:

 

- sure, V may not be physically appealing to me, but that does nto mean she is ugly, oy ugly to many people in general. No - I cannot appreciate her physical beauty, but that does not mean that calling her ugly is a true or helpful statement.

 

- A person with social intelligence and who is considerate of your feelins, V, would think " hmm, she may be cute to other people, just not me" , OR " hey, I am pretty sure she is not physically attractive in general, to ANYONE, and yet as her friend, i would NEVER tell her straight out that she is unnattractive, because it will not help her at all, and will in fact be harmful.

 

 

 

- A way to tell someone their looks will not get them a guy right off the bat, would be to say sometihng along the lines of " some guy will find u to be sexy to them and love you, but not many girls are stunning enough to get guys to turn heads and approach them cold. I think a lot of girls have to get to know a guy, before he comes to really like her, and then the sexual interest forms.

 

You know? I can certainly put a positive spin on most things..... U know, I won't lie, but I will not tell a person they are attractive to most people, if in fact, I do not think so. That said, I will not say they are UGLY. JESUS.

 

 

V has been around people who either do not have the social intelligence or eliquence to say she is not attractive to them; OR, they are not the nicest of people, and do not care enough about her.

 

 

I think really great people do not do things that harm their " friends". They lack the depth I need in a friend, personally.....

V says she does not believe she is well liked in general, though. SO, finding decent people, more kind people, to associate with, whilst working to become more positive, letting go of her past affirmations, and creating new ones, is a long task in itself... before she touches on being " ugly" to men.. That is another task.

[somedude81]

I know this must sound funny coming from me, but V, you need to stop calling yourself ugly, how you have problems, that men have mistreated you etc. Just stop. All that negativity is not good for you. Anybody who hears about it in person is not going to think about you in a good way.

 

As much as I talk about my problems on this forum, how I hate my height and so on, I don't talk about it with anybody IRL. I try to practice a strict image control.

 

If you want to whine here, that's OK. But don't complain to anybody IRL except to a therapist. When you vocalize those things, it makes them more true to you.

[johan]

I like your personality, V. You have a good sense of humor and you're smart. I'd like it if you just decided to forget all this self-hate stuff you have going on for a while. Just give yourself a vacation from it for a couple of weeks. Think and post about other things and just be who you are for a while. You can always get back to it after the break.

[d'Arthez]

V must have lived with these perceptions of herself for quite some time, and in obvious ways it has shaped her life, her experiences and expectations of how she will be treated, no matter what she does in life. It is a mental battle one can hardly win with oneself, since she will be looking for ways to confirm her self-perception. Confirmation bias sucks.

 

If only it were as simple as telling herself to stop calling her ugly. It is not. The positivity cr@p does not work. Telling herself that she is beautiful, as long as she does not believe it, is almost a completely pointless exercise to her mind. She'd just be feeling she was lying through her teeth to herself.

 

It is not a matter of just seeing the logical fallacy in the way she approaches life, but also breaking the mental habit, to put down the mental defences she has erected over years. And that will take a lot of hard work.

 

Because V feels that way, she may also give people in real life such a vibe. For example the way she communicates with people, or talks about herself will have a strong impact on how she is perceived by others. Faking an interest or doing things for the sake of meeting people is usually a bad idea, especially if it does not address the core problem.

 

Don't throw your life away V. Address the core issue, and your other problems will disappear. That will be a long process. There is no quick fix sadly.

But as you improve your self-perception, you will notice that life will start to improve in other areas as well, career-wise, friendship-wise and even relationship-wise.

 

Nothing wrong with geeky, sarcastic women. Except that there are too few of them. Don't be surprised the guys come knocking down your door, once you are starting to deal with your issues.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think in some ways, V doesn't want things to change. She has grown comfortable with thinking that she is ugly. As painful as it is to her, it's also all she knows. Pain and comfort can often be intertwined. It has given her an identity. She is going to seek people and experiences that confirm this and thus perpetuating the negative cycle. Ingrained patterns are hard to break.

 

I have no advice, just observations.

[somedude81]

V must have lived with these perceptions of herself for quite some time, and in obvious ways it has shaped her life, her experiences and expectations of how she will be treated, no matter what she does in life. It is a mental battle one can hardly win with oneself, since she will be looking for ways to confirm her self-perception. Confirmation bias sucks.

 

If only it were as simple as telling herself to stop calling her ugly. It is not. The positivity cr@p does not work. Telling herself that she is beautiful, as long as she does not believe it, is almost a completely pointless exercise to her mind. She'd just be feeling she was lying through her teeth to herself.

 

It is not a matter of just seeing the logical fallacy in the way she approaches life, but also breaking the mental habit, to put down the mental defences she has erected over years. And that will take a lot of hard work.

 

Because V feels that way, she may also give people in real life such a vibe. For example the way she communicates with people, or talks about herself will have a strong impact on how she is perceived by others. Faking an interest or doing things for the sake of meeting people is usually a bad idea, especially if it does not address the core problem..

And that's exactly why I think she should stop talking down about herself in the presence of other people. I'm sure she's done it with every boyfriend she's had and I wouldn't be surprsied if she complains to her friends as well.

 

She doesn't have to start calling herself beautiful.

[threebyfate]

If only it were as simple as telling herself to stop calling her ugly. It is not. The positivity cr@p does not work. Telling herself that she is beautiful, as long as she does not believe it, is almost a completely pointless exercise to her mind. She'd just be feeling she was lying through her teeth to herself.

This is her fallacy. The dichotomy between ugly and beautiful, as if there's no middle ground.

[verhrzn]

V must have lived with these perceptions of herself for quite some time, and in obvious ways it has shaped her life, her experiences and expectations of how she will be treated, no matter what she does in life. It is a mental battle one can hardly win with oneself, since she will be looking for ways to confirm her self-perception. Confirmation bias sucks.

 

If only it were as simple as telling herself to stop calling her ugly. It is not. The positivity cr@p does not work. Telling herself that she is beautiful, as long as she does not believe it, is almost a completely pointless exercise to her mind. She'd just be feeling she was lying through her teeth to herself.

 

It is not a matter of just seeing the logical fallacy in the way she approaches life, but also breaking the mental habit, to put down the mental defences she has erected over years. And that will take a lot of hard work.

 

Because V feels that way, she may also give people in real life such a vibe. For example the way she communicates with people, or talks about herself will have a strong impact on how she is perceived by others. Faking an interest or doing things for the sake of meeting people is usually a bad idea, especially if it does not address the core problem.

 

Don't throw your life away V. Address the core issue, and your other problems will disappear. That will be a long process. There is no quick fix sadly.

But as you improve your self-perception, you will notice that life will start to improve in other areas as well, career-wise, friendship-wise and even relationship-wise.

 

This actually makes more sense than almost anything else I've read on this forum. I strongly agree with your confirmation bias, and YES, you totally get that I feel like I can't just tell myself "I'm beautiful," without feeling like I'm telling myself a fallacy. (If I told myself I was taller, would I be taller?)

 

I'd be very interested to know more about what you see as a logical fallacy and breaking the mental habit. How would you suggest addressing the core issue?

 

I think in some ways, V doesn't want things to change. She has grown comfortable with thinking that she is ugly. As painful as it is to her, it's also all she knows. Pain and comfort can often be intertwined. It has given her an identity. She is going to seek people and experiences that confirm this and thus perpetuating the negative cycle. Ingrained patterns are hard to break.

 

I think I'm interesting in change, but the challenge is, I have no idea what that change would look like. I have difficulty envisioning it, so I have trouble saying if I want it, or how to go about achieving it.

 

Would change look like me convincing myself that I'm pretty, or would it look like me accepting my looks and personality (ugly and awful, or average and nondescript, if you want to be positive.)

 

I'm not sure if I've built an identity around it; I think it's more I've built an ANTI-identity, the things I am not. I am not, for example: a hot girl, a girl guys want, a girl who is good looking, a girl who can flirt, etc. I define myself in the ways I am not, because those are more obvious than the things that I am.

 

And that's exactly why I think she should stop talking down about herself in the presence of other people. I'm sure she's done it with every boyfriend she's had and I wouldn't be surprsied if she complains to her friends as well.

 

I haven't done it frequently with my past boyfriends. In my last relationship, I tried to do it not at all; the only time I complained about my body was when my diet and exercise weren't working.

 

But what's the big deal about complaining about it to friends? Why should I put a lid on that?

[d'Arthez]

Identifying the fallacy is the easy part, working out a method to overcome the fallacy, and lessen its impact on your life is the hard bit.

 

I will get back to you later today on this one.

[Teknoe]

But what's the big deal about complaining about it to friends? Why should I put a lid on that?

 

 

Read on to find out why, particularly the bold parts

 

 

He’s Working In You

 

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

 

“...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

 

(Philippians 1:6, NIV)

 

 

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

 

Sometimes when God is doing a work in our lives, it can begin to feel a little uncomfortable. We may encounter people who are hard to get along with or have circumstances that seem beyond our control. When this happens, instead of complaining, getting sour or trying to change everything around you, why don’t you look deep inside and say, “Lord, thank You for doing a work in me.” See, I’ve learned that God is more interested in changing me than He is in changing my circumstances. If I choose to stay sour because I’m not getting my way or discouraged because things aren't happening on my time table, that's going to keep me right where I am.

 

If you want to see change, if you want to see God open up new doors, the key is to bloom right where you’re planted. You can’t wait until everything gets better before you decide to have a good attitude. You have to be the best that you can be right where you are. When you bloom where you’re planted, you’re allowing God to work in you, and He will be faithful to complete what He’s started in you!

 

 

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

 

Father God, thank You for doing a work in me. I choose to align myself with Your plan by blooming where I’m planted. Help me, by Your Spirit, to be an example of Your love and life everywhere I go in Jesus’ name. Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

[threebyfate]

Identifying the fallacy is the easy part, working out a method to overcome the fallacy, and lessen its impact on your life is the hard bit.

 

I will get back to you later today on this one.

One way is to break the belief that life is black and white, in that you're either beautiful or ugly. These are extreme beliefs, extreme beliefs that will only deter being content and happy in life, where you improve what you can and accept what you can't or are unwilling to change.

 

People also have to be careful about change since most often, your strengths are your weaknesses. Perhaps it's temperance of extreme behaviours that help to balance people out. Balance and moderation of self.

[OhHey]

V must have lived with these perceptions of herself for quite some time, and in obvious ways it has shaped her life, her experiences and expectations of how she will be treated, no matter what she does in life. It is a mental battle one can hardly win with oneself, since she will be looking for ways to confirm her self-perception. Confirmation bias sucks.

 

If only it were as simple as telling herself to stop calling her ugly. It is not. The positivity cr@p does not work. Telling herself that she is beautiful, as long as she does not believe it, is almost a completely pointless exercise to her mind. She'd just be feeling she was lying through her teeth to herself.

 

It is not a matter of just seeing the logical fallacy in the way she approaches life, but also breaking the mental habit, to put down the mental defences she has erected over years. And that will take a lot of hard work.

 

Because V feels that way, she may also give people in real life such a vibe. For example the way she communicates with people, or talks about herself will have a strong impact on how she is perceived by others. Faking an interest or doing things for the sake of meeting people is usually a bad idea, especially if it does not address the core problem.

 

I like this post very much, real close to what I feel as far as how commanding and deep drilled into your life it is and how it isn't an easy fix. So many people think people like V should "join the club" everyone gets called ugly at times, ect ect....it is so much more than that and for people like her, NOT easy to get over.

 

I also apologise for clogging up V's thread with my "experiences" I don't know....just wanted to be part of the convo I guess.

 

So yes...this is very close to what I feel and seems what V feels as well.

 

thanks.

[OhHey]

..................nuthin.

Edited May 9, 2012 by OhHey

[verhrzn]

..................nuthin.

 

Sorry, there are a lot of responses so I'm trying to process them. I love hearing about your experiences, don't worry about clogging up "my" thread. Share away.

 

Sometimes when God is doing a work in our lives, it can begin to feel a little uncomfortable. We may encounter people who are hard to get along with or have circumstances that seem beyond our control. When this happens, instead of complaining, getting sour or trying to change everything around you, why don’t you look deep inside and say, “Lord, thank You for doing a work in me.” See, I’ve learned that God is more interested in changing me than He is in changing my circumstances. If I choose to stay sour because I’m not getting my way or discouraged because things aren't happening on my time table, that's going to keep me right where I am.

 

If faith helps you in your personal life, then I am in full support of that. Me personally, I feel nothing but anger and bitterness towards God. I don't appreciate Him making me a part of some "plan." Did I agree to it? Do I have any say in the fact that He stuck me here with certain desires (desire for love, family) and then arranged circumstances in a way that I can't achieve them? Seriously, what kind of all-powerful being does that?.. The jerky kind, that's who.

 

PLEASE READ ALL MY POST!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to write in better paragraphs and make my post easier to read than my previous posts. Moreover, I KNOW WHAT HELL IT CAN BE to be a terribly negative and depressed person BECAUSE of the way I looked!

Please - I really want you to see this situation for what it IS: a few people found you to be unnattractive to them, and those are the people you have encountered in life, that have been bad people, enough to let your appearance bring you down.

Now, you need to go on serious damage control, and TURN INTO A POSITIVE PERSON.

With the help of a therapist, the RIGHT therapist mind you, you need to learn to see the world differently.

You need to think more like " wow, what a terrible experience I went through, I cann't wait to be a more happy and positive person, a lovely girl who people very much life; and then one day, guys will see how lovely I am, how truly nice I am and unique I am as an invidividual, and one guy will want me".

 

Thanks for the posts Leigh. I'm sorry that you were bullied through school. Strangely, I'd say that I was bullied more by people close to me... the popular kids still bullied me, but they mostly ignored me. It was my friends or coworkers who were the cruelest.

 

I guess, when it comes down to it, I just don't buy that being "positive" would work. I'm not lovely. I'm not cute, I'm NOT the type of girl that guys want. And I just don't think that being positive would change that. The only advantage I see positivity giving me is I just wouldn't care anymore that I don't have those things in my life... but I'm not yet at the point where I can accept being alone and never having a family.

[pteromom]

I just don't buy that being "positive" would work. I'm not lovely. I'm not cute, I'm NOT the type of girl that guys want.

 

Says who? Some loser that called you ugly?

 

You may not be the type of girl that guys NOTICE (I'm not either), but that doesn't mean you aren't what guys WANT. Well, not ALL guys. You don't need ALL guys to want you - just one right one.

 

CUTE is an attitude as much as it is a look though.

 

You can be whatever you want to be. What adjectives do you use to describe yourself? (Besides ugly) I see you are in IT and call yourself geeky. Have you tried working your style to play up that part of you? Get a cool edgy haircut? Get some suspenders or something cute/cool/geeky that could be your signature? Some cool shoes?

 

I am an artist, and I find clothes and style that represent that part of myself - colorful clothes, a cool haircut (that I get compliments on constantly), crazy accessories... when I am in sync with myself, I feel CUTE, no matter what the rest of the world thinks.

 

And most importantly, I draw people to me who "get" me.

 

Think about all the adjectives you could use to describe who you are as well as who you WANT to be. How can you be more of what you want to be? One step at a time...

 

It's not about just telling yourself you are pretty and hoping you will believe it. It's just about being YOU. Figure out who YOU are, and be that person, no apologies and no regrets.

 

Once you are comfortable with being you, others will want to be around you. You may never be a girl who walks down the street drawing whistles and honks, but you can certainly be happy with who you are - strengths and flaws...

[OhHey]

Sorry, there are a lot of responses so I'm trying to process them. I love hearing about your experiences, don't worry about clogging up "my" thread. Share away.

 

 

Thank, V. I know what you mean about taking it all in....I wrote a bit too much lol ...

 

I like some of the post I am seeing lately about this and find it useful for my situation as well. Think I'll tone down a bit for now....

Guess all in all I merely wanted to let you know that....I get it. Not sure how to help you fight it, but ...I do get it. Also nice to see someone else on here that gets it too.

 

Try to have a nice day, willya.

 

bye.

[threebyfate]

d'Arthez, issues you need to know are that all verhrzn's life, her mother has lived through her, relating herself in verhrzn in the most negative way a parent ever could without beating the crap out of them. Her mother's also highly critical with low self-esteem.

 

The message to verhrzn was that she was just like her mother, stocky and ugly, so she won't ever catch a man unless she actively pursues one which is what her mother did with her father.

[betterdeal]

I guess, when it comes down to it, I just don't buy that being "positive" would work.

 

What will happen if you try it? What are you afraid of?

[verhrzn]

What will happen if you try it? What are you afraid of?

 

I'm afraid I'll still fail. It would mean I went through years of therapy and an incredibly difficult personality change, and it still didn't work. That I put all of that money, time, energy, and loss of self* into something that didn't succeed.

 

Furthermore, I fear it will make me complacent. If I was positive about my life, it would mean I wouldn't want a relationship/family. Why would I need one, because I'm now happy. But that means I'd give up on finding one. I wouldn't do OLD, I wouldn't approach guys, etc. My natural tendency is not one that meshes well with what you need to do to date... if I was content with my life, I'd do nothing but sit in my apartment and read/write/play video games/sew, etc. I have more than enough hobbies and friends to keep me occupied.

 

I don't enjoy dating. If I wasn't doing it to get to an end result (a relationship), I'd happily give it up.

 

In other words, by being positive, I'd be guaranteeing I'd end up alone.

 

I say "loss of self" because cynicism and "negativity" are a very large part of who I am. I'd be a completely different person without them.