How To Accept It

[pteromom]

I'm afraid I'll still fail. It would mean I went through years of therapy and an incredibly difficult personality change, and it still didn't work. That I put all of that money, time, energy, and loss of self* into something that didn't succeed.

Personal growth doesn't have an end point. There is no FAILURE. If something doesn't work, you try something different.

 

If I was positive about my life, it would mean I wouldn't want a relationship/family. Why would I need one, because I'm now happy.

 

Not true AT ALL. When you are happy, you want to share that happiness with someone else. It makes you seek out a much more healthy relationship, because you aren't just going to accept anyone who shows interest in you.

 

I say "loss of self" because cynicism and "negativity" are a very large part of who I am. I'd be a completely different person without them.

 

Since you don't like this part of yourself, I think it is ok to let the negativity go. You wouldn't be a completely different person - you'd be the person you are supposed to be.

[verhrzn]

Personal growth doesn't have an end point. There is no FAILURE. If something doesn't work, you try something different.

 

I guess that's my point though... if being "positive" doesn't work, what would? In regards to your last post, I am AWFUL at fashion. I cannot style for myself for anything, and friends have been useless in that regard.

 

Not true AT ALL. When you are happy, you want to share that happiness with someone else. It makes you seek out a much more healthy relationship, because you aren't just going to accept anyone who shows interest in you.

 

Well I meant more... I hate the process of dating. I don't like going out, I get nervous in large groups of strangers, I'm awful at building rapport (I am awesome at superficial first impressions and long term, deep connections; everything in between, people have to bear with my awfulness.)

 

The only reason I do this stuff is because I want a relationship. If I was happy alone, why would I continue doing something I hate?

 

Since you don't like this part of yourself, I think it is ok to let the negativity go. You wouldn't be a completely different person - you'd be the person you are supposed to be.

 

Actually I'm pretty okay with my cynicism and "negativity." It's everyone else who says I should change it, that it drives guys away, etc. See the point above: if I thought I could stay as I am ("negative") and still get a guy, I would not change. I am only changing because people tell me I can't get a relationship as I am.

[d'Arthez]

Threebyfate has a valid point.

 

It is easy to think in binaries, but that is exactly what people tend to do when they find themselves attempting to make sense of their lived experience (you can also observe it in people with extreme views; eg. a person who sees decisions either as morally right or wrong). And it is only this self-perception issue which draws extreme binaries in V's lived experience.

 

V was not born feeling this way about herself, but because of her experiences in life has come to view herself in this particular way. Seeing that is a whole world of in-betweens between the extremes will definitely help and improve V's self-perception.

 

I'm not lovely. I'm not cute, I'm NOT the type of girl that guys want.

True for some guys, and perhaps even the majority of guys in your environment. Part of your problem is the earlier mentioned confirmation bias - you are waiting for them to confirm to your expectations. And you will find a confirmation of your views quite easily, because let's be frank, quite a few guys are thinking with their hydraulic brain, and hence judge you by standards you feel you cannot attain.

 

But really, why would you want to satisfy some beer-bellied Neanderthal's notions of beauty? Somehow I doubt that would be your goal in life. You could work on dismissing others' notions about yourself on the grounds of obvious motives - as if your character, wit and personality do not matter. They would not matter to such Neanderthals, but they would to the decent men, who would not be saying such things about you in the first place; yet you are "programmed" to see and recall only the men who utter such things, and "forget" about those who do not.

 

The tragic bit is, that because you feel this way about yourself, that even people who are honestly stating you are not ugly, not worthless, or don't have anything negative to say about you are treated with suspicion, because they create a cognitive dissonance with how you see yourself. Thus you are inclined to give less weight to their words, and more to the words of the aforementioned Neanderthals. The joys of the recall and availability biases.

 

I do not know much about you, but you mentioned that you have had boyfriends. Which suggest that despite your negative self-perception, you have still found a way to connect with some men on more than a superficial level. Call me naive, but I also doubt you have hidden yourself in a basement and shun daylight as much as you can.

And judging by your responses in this thread, and your profile picture (one of the most smile-worthy I have seen on here ), you certainly have a lot to offer as a person and a human being.

 

I think I'm interesting in change, but the challenge is, I have no idea what that change would look like. I have difficulty envisioning it, so I have trouble saying if I want it, or how to go about achieving it.

It is easily doable to imagine life being different (in your case for instance to be in a fulfilling adult relationship), but that in itself does not provide us the necessary tools or insights on how to get there. What you are running into, is that because of who you are now, you feel it is impossible to achieve your goals. But does that mean the goals are impossible? No.

 

Imagine what life would be like, if you would not feel about your body as you do. It is at this moment a part of you. Perhaps you will find it even impossible to imagine what life would be like. But think about how different your responses would be to remarks about your body, when you are not looking for confirmation of the views you currently have.

 

d'Arthez, issues you need to know are that all verhrzn's life, her mother has lived through her, relating herself in verhrzn in the most negative way a parent ever could without beating the crap out of them. Her mother's also highly critical with low self-esteem.

 

The message to verhrzn was that she was just like her mother, stocky and ugly, so she won't ever catch a man unless she actively pursues one which is what her mother did with her father.

If this is true, then it is no wonder that you feel about yourself in this particular way, no matter what your actual qualities are V. In fact, you seem to have done remarkably well to get to this point in life.

 

Also this must have had a major influence on the way you relate to people, and how you go about your relationships. On the one hand, you may well be imitating your mother (because this is what you were taught), and at the other you may well feel like "why the bleep am I going at things like this?", which would make it very hard for you to maintain such relationships. You may well be looking for signs in such relationships to bail out.

 

You certainly need to come to terms with the influence your mother had (and perhaps continues to exercise) on shaping your life. Once you are detoxifying yourself from all the poisons your mother (and perhaps your father by not intervening for one reason or the other), you will find it so much easier to come to terms with the self-perception issues you experience.

 

It is not just a matter of being positive about yourself. For you to be able to be positive about yourself, you need to give your past and the influences that shaped you a place in your life. Telling yourself a million times you are beautiful, average looking, or what would achieve nothing, as long as the toxic influences that shaped your life are still poisoning your perceptions. Realistically speaking, you can only start being positive about yourself, once you have come to terms with the influence your mother had on your life.

 

That by no means that "negativity" and cynicism are bad. I certainly would not argue that, but perhaps I take the following words by Dostoevsky too close to heart: "The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month. "

[verhrzn]

The tragic bit is, that because you feel this way about yourself, that even people who are honestly stating you are not ugly, not worthless, or don't have anything negative to say about you are treated with suspicion, because they create a cognitive dissonance with how you see yourself. Thus you are inclined to give less weight to their words, and more to the words of the aforementioned Neanderthals. The joys of the recall and availability biases.

 

I do not know much about you, but you mentioned that you have had boyfriends. Which suggest that despite your negative self-perception, you have still found a way to connect with some men on more than a superficial level. Call me naive, but I also doubt you have hidden yourself in a basement and shun daylight as much as you can.

 

I'm processing the rest of what you wrote, thank you, so I'll respond later, but I want to address this bit.

 

You are correct that I view such "positive" men with suspicion, but not so much because they create cognitive dissonance. It's because they express that there's nothing wrong (physically, personality-wise) with me... yet still aren't interested in me.

 

They can never explain why. They just say they aren't... but they always want to be friends. I have been friend-zoned more than any woman alive, I swear. By being my friend, they're confirming that it isn't my personality that's wrong. So then what is it? Why won't they date me, especially when you hear constantly that guys don't "really" friend zone women, they always find their female friends attractive and would date/have sex with them given the chance.

 

The only thing I can come up with is that they're lying: there is something wrong with me. And I usually suspect it's my looks, because of how much they say they like me personally/as a friend.

 

Here's an example. My last ex broke up with me because he claimed he'd just lost that romantic feeling for me. But he still wanted to hang out exactly like we had been as if we were dating... just without the sex/romance.

 

What am I to make of that, except that it was my looks (and thus his physical attraction) that drove him to dumping me?

[d'Arthez]

What am I to make of that, except that it was my looks (and thus his physical attraction) that drove him to dumping me?

That is the easy explanation for you (since you are strongly inclined to think that way). And undoubtedly there is some truth to that, but I strongly doubt that was the sole reason for the breakup. Some of the things enumerated below may also apply.

 

There may also be other factors at play a role for friendships not progressing in a romantic relationships. To mention but a few possibilities / explanations:

1) they do not know what they want in life. They think they can do "better" or alternatively they don't want to make the commitment.

 

2) though they may like you as a friend, that does not mean they ought to like you as a prospective romantic partner. Yes, I could imagine being friends with a female version of myself, but it would be my worst nightmare to maintain a relationship with a female version of myself.

 

3) Likewise they may like you more than just a random **** (and they are well aware that that is not what you are looking for).

 

4) They may not have the same notion of what they want in the future as what you want (or what they think you want).

 

5) Being around you, they know / sense you have some issues (we all do), and they do not want / know to deal with them.

 

6) Likewise they may have issues themselves that prevent them from pursuing you (or wanting to be pursued by you - most men still have issues with that).

 

It is easy to think it is "you", but it is more likely to be a combination of "you" and "them".

 

I could meet countless women (being a man) with whom nothing is wrong. But in most cases I would not date them, simply because there is a gross mismatch in what I want from a relationship and what I can offer, and what they'd want from a relationship and they can offer. Does that mean something is wrong with me or them? No. It just means I do not feel that we'd be compatible. That is all.

Edited May 9, 2012 by d'Arthez
ETA: last paragraph

[Leigh 87]

Says who? Some loser that called you ugly?

 

You may not be the type of girl that guys NOTICE (I'm not either), but that doesn't mean you aren't what guys WANT. Well, not ALL guys. You don't need ALL guys to want you - just one right one.

 

CUTE is an attitude as much as it is a look though.

 

You can be whatever you want to be. What adjectives do you use to describe yourself? (Besides ugly) I see you are in IT and call yourself geeky. Have you tried working your style to play up that part of you? Get a cool edgy haircut? Get some suspenders or something cute/cool/geeky that could be your signature? Some cool shoes?

 

I am an artist, and I find clothes and style that represent that part of myself - colorful clothes, a cool haircut (that I get compliments on constantly), crazy accessories... when I am in sync with myself, I feel CUTE, no matter what the rest of the world thinks.

 

And most importantly, I draw people to me who "get" me.

 

Think about all the adjectives you could use to describe who you are as well as who you WANT to be. How can you be more of what you want to be? One step at a time...

 

It's not about just telling yourself you are pretty and hoping you will believe it. It's just about being YOU. Figure out who YOU are, and be that person, no apologies and no regrets.

 

Once you are comfortable with being you, others will want to be around you. You may never be a girl who walks down the street drawing whistles and honks, but you can certainly be happy with who you are - strengths and flaws...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS:bunny:

 

It is no longer so much about being attractive to me, it is about being me!!!

Although I LOVE running every day, because it makes my body look nice.. and eating organic food when I can, easting clean, having a multi and hair and nail supplement....

YES it is NICE to take care of your health, it feels great to be fit and healthy......

 

Seriously - I am really, REALLY thrilled on a daily basis, to be ME. No kidding - I get REALLY happy at the thought of just being ME to people hahahaa..

I love how I am a really nice girl; I love smiling at people with my signature smile, I really get a kick out of conversing with the p eople who warm to my kind nature.

The bag I chose, the clothes I put on, the colourful neon peace sign bracalet I sometimes wear, my awesome LONG blonde hair that I put clip in RED extensions in!!!!!!!!!

I love bright colourful, neon type clothes and the like.... I love my style, because it truly is ME embracing what I enjoy wearing!!!!

 

Yes, it helps to be an attractive version of yourself - I grew my hair super long and really FEEL it on me now- it feels like a ver y " leigh" thing now, my signature super long, super light blonde hair:)

I also became a personal trainer, and love running every day; I enjoy being slim and fit looking!

However, above your attractivness, it is really embracing and LOVING showing yourself to the world. ALL aspects of yourself - from the way you socially interact with people around you, to the way you dress!

IMHO - visually, it pays to be fit and in shape, which V IS already..... As long as u work out in some form most days of the week, eat healthily and take supplements if need be, and really look after your HEALTH..... The rest is really about loving yourself.

 

Improving your looks is FUN; however, it is NOT TRULY as fulfilling, as really getting excited about getting up daily, and being YOU.

[Leigh 87]

What will happen if you try it? What are you afraid of?

 

 

 

 

Becoming a positive person is HUGE.

 

 

For instance; I am about to go for a run, and I will have a huge smile on my face, and feel oh so happy about life. Yes, I am blessed in many ways... but I do not have a job atm, for instance... it does not impact my contentment with life.

 

 

 

 

After a lifetime of misery, becoming a positive person is a KEY thing that you really should TRY for. PLEASE consider trying it properly. It takes time. It took me to fix myself, and then the last thing I altered was becoming positive.

 

Being positive is SO lovely. Really - I love positive people! " ya, so what I have never been on a date, I am great, someone will love me haha" U know, people who are not only proactive and are a good version of themselves, but who deal with things in a positive manner.

 

 

 

 

V - I am a formerly VERY VERY VERY negative girl! I am just so positive and happy now. HUGE change. Changed my life entirely, becoming positive. The hard personal growth and changes I underwent were well worth the outcome:)

[Leigh 87]

oh lastly, V - Replying to your comment you wrote to me regarding bullying and the like......

 

 

Um, I was not lovely or positive. I MADE myself to be that way. Trhough really, really, really wanting to change my situation. How badky do you want to change?

 

 

 

Also - FUNNY STORY: the people who bullied me the hardest, were these two girls who actually came over to my house..... they had sleepovers often, and hung out with me on the weekends..

One of the girls was thin, a model type, RICH, lived in a massive mansion with a happy, rich family life of about 8 kids, all loving and great.....

 

Her and her best mate would come over to my place, pretent to be my friend, and secretly steal, invade my comouter files and read and even send around my personal computer DIARY entries, u name it THEY HAVE DONE IT to me.........

Seriously - they would be my friend, come over to my place, make me feel like FINALLY, I had some respite from being a total LONER - only to turn on me all of the time, steal my sh*t, then deny it; and yes, sending all my personal journal entries around, u know, including to the guys I dated, was very humiliating.

 

 

 

 

So, I got bullied from every one, including those closest to me.

 

I was not a positive, lovely person. At all. I turned miserable and unpleasant to be around.

 

I was a highly toxic person. My best friend at one time was attractive and got lots of attention from boys; I could never be happy for her, because I was desperately unhappy within myself.

I could only feel jalously towards people who did well, seeing as I had notihng going for me at that stage in life.

She was a talented writer and artist, too; I really hated how she had these talents, was kind, and had guys lining up for her.

 

 

So. I decided to change things for myself. I had parents supporting me financially after high school and a lot of benifits, but ultimately, I had to want to change. And put the effort in.

It took years but life is so wonderful now.

 

 

 

 

 

I am off for a run now:) I will think about my past. I do often. It could really make me terrible sad to lament on peoples crulty. I am so proud I managed to change.

 

I can cry about it at any given some and still do cry abou tthe past, when I thnk about it occasonally.

 

It truly saddens my boyfriend when I tell him how I ate lunch in the toilets. ya know, cos being a loner was SO embarrassing, that I would rather not have to be seen alone. Smelly toilets sure beat being seen alone constantly...

Edited May 10, 2012 by Leigh 87

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can relate to V in many ways and have a lot to say. I am rushing to a class at the moment, but will come back.

 

 

V- if it was socially "normal" not to get married and have kids, if half or most people weren't in a relationship, would you still want one just as much? Or would you be able to have content life just playing games and watching movies by yourself?

[betterdeal]

I'm afraid I'll still fail. It would mean I went through years of therapy and an incredibly difficult personality change, and it still didn't work. That I put all of that money, time, energy, and loss of self* into something that didn't succeed.

 

Furthermore, I fear it will make me complacent. If I was positive about my life, it would mean I wouldn't want a relationship/family. Why would I need one, because I'm now happy. But that means I'd give up on finding one. I wouldn't do OLD, I wouldn't approach guys, etc. My natural tendency is not one that meshes well with what you need to do to date... if I was content with my life, I'd do nothing but sit in my apartment and read/write/play video games/sew, etc. I have more than enough hobbies and friends to keep me occupied.

 

I don't enjoy dating. If I wasn't doing it to get to an end result (a relationship), I'd happily give it up.

 

In other words, by being positive, I'd be guaranteeing I'd end up alone.

 

I say "loss of self" because cynicism and "negativity" are a very large part of who I am. I'd be a completely different person without them.

 

What's the difference between dating and a relationship? What do you think happens when you achieve this end goal?

[verhrzn]

V- if it was socially "normal" not to get married and have kids, if half or most people weren't in a relationship, would you still want one just as much? Or would you be able to have content life just playing games and watching movies by yourself?

 

I'd still want one as much. Mostly I want one, in order to have someone to share life experiences with. Obviously I want someone to love me, but just as much I want to love someone else. I want to make them scarves and tuck them into bed when they're sick with soup, and I want to tell them how awesome their calves look today. I know I can do this with friends... but that deep, romantic side of intimacy and connection is what I crave most, giving as well as receiving.

 

What's the difference between dating and a relationship? What do you think happens when you achieve this end goal?

 

The rules, mostly. Dating is so uncertain and unsettling. Should you sleep with them, should you text them, can you trust them, do they like me, oh God they haven't messaged me in a day... I know most people love the whole honeymoon stage of newness and excitement, but for me it's actually nauseating. When I'm dating someone new, I'm constantly anxious and on-edge... Getting TO a relationship is just awful.

 

Once the relationship actually becomes exclusive and I know the person well enough, I can relax. I have a much better idea of how they'll react to things; a pattern to their personality. I'm not saying relationships don't come with their own challenges... but they are at least built on a foundation of shared history and knowledge. We might break up, but at least it won't be over those dumb issues that crop up at the beginning, like I texted him too much/too little.

[betterdeal]

The rules, mostly. Dating is so uncertain and unsettling. Should you sleep with them, should you text them, can you trust them, do they like me, oh God they haven't messaged me in a day... I know most people love the whole honeymoon stage of newness and excitement, but for me it's actually nauseating. When I'm dating someone new, I'm constantly anxious and on-edge... Getting TO a relationship is just awful.

 

Once the relationship actually becomes exclusive and I know the person well enough, I can relax. I have a much better idea of how they'll react to things; a pattern to their personality. I'm not saying relationships don't come with their own challenges... but they are at least built on a foundation of shared history and knowledge. We might break up, but at least it won't be over those dumb issues that crop up at the beginning, like I texted him too much/too little.

 

How do you think people get to the stage where there are rules?

[betterdeal]

The best online dating profile I read started along the lines of "Lots of people here describe themselves as easy going. I'm not." It then went on to describe her in more detail, talked about her (Jungian) shadow side, and how, actually, she's quite a complex and delicate soul. It was the authenticity, care and attention to detail that moved me. There was lots to think about, to discuss, to ponder, to get to know. It seemed simultaneously revealing and guarded. This was someone who knew herself more so than most and would reveal herself in stages, like peeling an onion. That was, for me, intriguing, and attractive. Hidden depths and vulnerability unashamedly alluded to.

 

You don't have to be a yoghurt-weaving happy-clappy type to be positive in your approach to life. You can be reserved, or cynical, or intense and fiery - whatever you prefer. But knowing yourself and maintaining some mystery, being careful in what you share and with whom and when, that can create the right atmosphere and conditions for something mutually meaningful to happen. In fact, it *is* something mutually meaningful in itself.

 

I think that once you start to see how you present yourself to others in a similar way - when you take positive steps to present yourself in the best light (and the best light may be a dim one to start with) for your sake, you may begin to start having more sustainable and enjoyable relationships with men.

[Leigh 87]

See - dating should be a fun exciting process. You should, firstly: feel like your a great girl that guys would love to get to know better... Not merely " greatful" a guy is " giving you a chance"

 

No. dating, for a truly contented person ( content still means people have flaws and issues, by the way) - the dating process for me and happy people, is as follows ( to some extent for everyone)

 

- hehe they texted me the next day. I enjoy seeing how they are excited by me and genuinely happy to be getting the chance to get closer to me

 

- yay I am seeing them later - mmmm I wonder what will happen;) they seam to like me and be excited to get close to me, should b e fun to be intimate with them

 

- yay the next day they texted. So, I will text them back. The thrill of the early stages of courting:) When both parties are really interesting, and mature enough to show it accordingly.

 

- hmm a day to myself the following day, too - although he texted of course. Because he is interested in me. I have silly little fun thoughts on my runs, thinking about the fun romantic start to relationships.

 

 

 

 

 

If you become a fan of yourself, it is truly a joy when not only other PEOPLE do, but certain guys are dying to get to know you and date you.

 

Dating truly can be a fun, easy going process, if u have the right attitude, outlook, and find similary positive, no bullsh*t, direct people who show u interest.

[Teknoe]

If faith helps you in your personal life, then I am in full support of that. Me personally, I feel nothing but anger and bitterness towards God. I don't appreciate Him making me a part of some "plan." Did I agree to it? Do I have any say in the fact that He stuck me here with certain desires (desire for love, family) and then arranged circumstances in a way that I can't achieve them? Seriously, what kind of all-powerful being does that?.. The jerky kind, that's who.

 

 

Thanks for being honest. Sorry you feel that way, though, but at least you're being real about it. I won't try to sway you, since it's your personal choice.

 

I will end with this though. It's AWESOME being brutally honest with God. Just give Him space and a chance to respond. I know that may sound funky, and no, 99.9% chance you won't hear from Him audibly.

 

But if you just seek, God's Word promises you will find Him. But it has to be genuine.

 

Good luck to you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

V, I am glad to hear that you want to be in a relationship for the right reasons.

 

Now, as for your personality, I for one think that you have pretty kick-ass personality. You are sharp, sarcastic and funny. Please don't change. There are people out there who really appreciate people like you and actually dislike overly optimistic and bubbly people. I tried hard to change myself to be more optimistic and positive and only ended up feeling like I am acting and faking my life. I decided that I actually like myself as I am: a little dark and melancholny. I think you like your personality too. My boss is one of the most pessimistic and negative people I know. Yet, people are drawn to him because he turns his negativity into sarcasm and dark humor - quite a few people really dig that.

 

The only thing you need to change about yourself is your belief that you are ugly and that your looks stop you from getting guys. This is not easy. You can't just snap out of it. If you think about it, most people are by definition average. Do you think they wake up thinking "My existence is so futile because I am average looking?". No. They don't even think about how pretty or hot or average or ugly they are. You shouldn't be evaluating your looks at all.

 

Unfortunately, jerky guys are drawn to girls with low self-esteem. My ex criticized my appearance throughout our whole relationship. He picked apart every part of my body and found something wrong with it. I thought it will destroy me and that I will hate my looks after the relationship. But something strange happened. Now I just think, he was such a loser that his opinion of me and my looks is completely irrelevant. I don't care what people I don't respect think of me. And people that you do respect would never go around telling you stuff like that. When a guy I have a crush on rejects me, you know what my first thought now is? "Meh I am not his type". Rather than "I am ugly. My life is over".

 

Actually, what you need most I think is patience. If you just go about living your life, stop focusing on how you look, the guy for you will come along. I am quite certain of it

[d'Arthez]

Now, as for your personality, I for one think that you have pretty kick-ass personality. You are sharp, sarcastic and funny. Please don't change. There are people out there who really appreciate people like you and actually dislike overly optimistic and bubbly people.

Agreed, and I hope the message registers with V.

 

It is good to be positive about yourself (i.e. not hating yourself, and finding ways to enjoy your time on this planet), but that by no means you should be positive about the world you live in (which is what most people seem to imply). Being overly positive about the world you live in, would probably be the biggest turn-off for me, or at least give ignorance a good run for top spot.

There must be quite a few men out there who are similar to me in that respect as well, who also share your interests and are otherwise compatible with you.

 

There is a lot to like about sharp and witty people. And from the few posts I have read of V., I do have the impression she is such a person.

 

Once the relationship actually becomes exclusive and I know the person well enough, I can relax. I have a much better idea of how they'll react to things; a pattern to their personality. I'm not saying relationships don't come with their own challenges... but they are at least built on a foundation of shared history and knowledge. We might break up, but at least it won't be over those dumb issues that crop up at the beginning, like I texted him too much/too little.

This suggest you truly have a good head on your shoulders. If you don't like newness and uncertainty that comes with dating dating, discovering about the other person is always a bit of a hassle, especially if you do not know if they play by some idiotic rules. Once you know the basic person, it is easier to develop and deepen the relationship.

 

Once you have started making serious progress on your self-perception issues, the guys (if they have a modicum of intelligence in them) should be storming your home. Hopefully you'll find a guy who can support you in your struggles with yourself, which would make it easier on you as well.

[verhrzn]

Returning to the original question, does anyone have suggestions on how to give up on the idea of a relationship? How to just be happy/positive about my eternal singledom?

[threebyfate]

Not certain you realize what you've just done. In abruptly ignoring the most recent posts where members have put some serious time and effort into creating them, it's pretty rude.

 

Hopefully you don't treat partners, friends and family like this. If so, it's something to reconsider within your life if you wish to maintain relationships of any duration.

[OhHey]

Returning to the original question, does anyone have suggestions on how to give up on the idea of a relationship? How to just be happy/positive about my eternal singledom?

 

 

You'll never be able to totally give up on an idea of a good relationship.

 

I myself have given in(I'm 37) and accepting that it may never happen and to be honest I am not actively looking for it. Right now it's a combination of staying fit, doing things that excite me, friends and reading the LS horror stories of what relationships can do to you and what a pain in the ass they can be. I have an attitude of "it's a waste of time" and I don't want to deal with the BS of it all.

 

That's how I handle it as of now.

[verhrzn]

Not certain you realize what you've just done. In abruptly ignoring the most recent posts where members have put some serious time and effort into creating them, it's pretty rude.

 

Hopefully you don't treat partners, friends and family like this. If so, it's something to reconsider within your life if you wish to maintain relationships of any duration.

 

I appreciate their effort and thoughts, and I said so. But reading through all of the responses confused and upset me, and I didn't know what to say back, so I went back to the original question, which wasn't exactly addressed.... Everyone was telling me ways to change, but not how to give up.

[tman666]

Everyone was telling me ways to change, but not how to give up.

 

You'll have to change if you're going to be content/happy being single. If you stay exactly as you are, you'll be miserable no matter what your situation is.

 

My advice is the same to you as the advice I've given to folks like somedude81 in the past (to no avail, mind you). Developing your passions for things in life other than finding a relationship is, in my opinion, the answer. Start to make a list of things that are positive influences in your life, and which things are negative influences. Isolate the things and people in your life that are toxic and or time wasters and eliminate them from your schedule. Conversely, fill up your hours doing things that you find fulfilling and contribute to your betterment as a person.

[d'Arthez]

But reading through all of the responses confused and upset me, and I didn't know what to say back

 

This may also be an issue for you? Not knowing what to make of uncertainty? It is always easier to deal with certainties - it requires less mental effort, and we more or less know how things will pan out. But that does not mean that the way of the least effort will provide the best outcome or even the outcome you truly desire.

[OhHey]

 

My advice is the same to you as the advice I've given to folks like somedude81 in the past (to no avail, mind you). Developing your passions for things in life other than finding a relationship is, in my opinion, the answer. Start to make a list of things that are positive influences in your life, and which things are negative influences. Isolate the things and people in your life that are toxic and or time wasters and eliminate them from your schedule. Conversely, fill up your hours doing things that you find fulfilling and contribute to your betterment as a person.

 

This is all typical as a response I've seen over and over. Sure it can subdue the craves and you can be sort of happy all by your lonesome, but you'll never fully be able to give it up(the crave to be with someone)....ever.

No one wants to be old and alone.....that thought scares me even though right now I am typically ok with everything.

 

It all just really sucks.

[OhHey]

I always wondered if one could get a surgury that alters your brain into never ever craving relationships, love and sexx lol....I'd surley do it!

 

Even slamming my balls into a door jam may take away cravings lol.