Reaching out... lost

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

So here goes. I've been married for over 3 years. I'm 25. My husband and I have been separated officially for about 3 months. But we have had moments of 'short separations' twice over the last 3 years. Mainly because of me. He is a great guy.... I just reached a point of being unsure. Being selfish- maybe, but also finding out I just wasn't happy. I made bad choices and crossed the line with a guy, but confessed to H and we went to therapy and worked through things. We were okay for a while.

 

This past September a guy I've worked with a few years made a comment to me that caught me off guard and we started flirting more than normal. He is 39 and married, with kids. His wife also works at the same place. He told me to call him that day and I blew him off for a week or two, but he was very persistent. I caved and texted him and he said all the right things, of course. And I found myself being the married girl meeting the married guy in a hotel. This person I never in a million years saw myself being. A person I would have judged before this happened. So, we started an 'A.' He texted and flirted with me all day and eventually threw me by saying he was falling in love. Right. He said he had met with a lawyer the summer before and was going to go through with it, but both his parents died suddenly and that was his plan (to move back home) and that he doesn't want to struggle financially. so he wont leave now until his kids are oiut of the house.

I craved his attention and the physical part of the relationship was like nothing i'd ever experienced. I didnt know it could be like that. I never really thought sex was important, but then I met him. We just connected. Anyway.. it went on through december when I finally wrote him a letter saying i loved him but couldnt do it any longer. I couldnt truly figure out how to be happy with my husband or if i could while seeing him. So we stopped for a few weeks. But he still texted me a little to see how i was. At Xmas I texted him and he ignored me. But i got one from him a few days afteer saying he told his wife, and he wanted to save his marriage. he wouldnt call anymore. So, I said I respected his decision. He wouldnt look at me at work the next two weeks. I felt like I couldnt breathe. Finally, he came up to me when it was just us and said "she had gotten in his phone and found a text, but that was all she knew. It wasnt cause he didnt love me, but he had a lot to lose." I confessed to my H about the A when I got that text from him. Unsure and lost.

 

MM and I started talking again. He told me to text him during the day. But he was standoffish a little. During this time, I realized I couldn't stay in my marriage with what i was doing. I got my own apartment. Still in therapy, but still wrapped up. MM and I started back up again. I called him out after a month saying I couldnt do it again, that he made me feel like a hoe and if that was what he wanted then I couldnt do it. He said he loved me, but it was hard because he couldnt leave. Blah blah. He said he'd do better. He has. For the last 3 months he's been ... amazing. Treats me so well. We talk and laugh and he introduced me to his best friends. But I know better. I want more. I deserve more. My H deserves better.

Last week he texted that I was his future. He wanted us to make it. MM came on Friday night and actually spent the night. But, i finally asked him, "will it really still be 11 years until I get to be with you" and he said yes. the finances. I said people do it all the time and work it out. but i will never ask you to leave for me. I just needed to know. He said he loved me and I should go back home, that my H can give me the things I deserve and he cant.

Today.... at work he said "you got me thinking Friday night. but you will wont like my answer." and I said "i know your answer. you wont leave." and he said "yeah, but you should go back home if you want. you can still go home and have me."

 

dont get me wrong, i do love my husband. he is a good man, but how do you go back to something when you know what u could have (and I dont mean just with MM. but the possibility). And how do I walk away from MM? And all that I feel for him? I want to be strong enough to say no more. But I'm terrified he'll just be like "okay."

Thank you for listening. I dont know where else to turn.

[PeineDeCoeur]

So here goes. I've been married for over 3 years. I'm 25. My husband and I have been separated officially for about 3 months. But we have had moments of 'short separations' twice over the last 3 years. Mainly because of me. He is a great guy.... I just reached a point of being unsure. Being selfish- maybe, but also finding out I just wasn't happy. I made bad choices and crossed the line with a guy, but confessed to H and we went to therapy and worked through things. We were okay for a while.

 

This past September a guy I've worked with a few years made a comment to me that caught me off guard and we started flirting more than normal. He is 39 and married, with kids. His wife also works at the same place. He told me to call him that day and I blew him off for a week or two, but he was very persistent. I caved and texted him and he said all the right things, of course. And I found myself being the married girl meeting the married guy in a hotel. This person I never in a million years saw myself being. A person I would have judged before this happened. So, we started an 'A.' He texted and flirted with me all day and eventually threw me by saying he was falling in love. Right. He said he had met with a lawyer the summer before and was going to go through with it, but both his parents died suddenly and that was his plan (to move back home) and that he doesn't want to struggle financially. so he wont leave now until his kids are oiut of the house.

I craved his attention and the physical part of the relationship was like nothing i'd ever experienced. I didnt know it could be like that. I never really thought sex was important, but then I met him.

This completely resonates with my experience..

We just connected. Anyway.. it went on through december when I finally wrote him a letter saying i loved him but couldnt do it any longer. I couldnt truly figure out how to be happy with my husband or if i could while seeing him. So we stopped for a few weeks. But he still texted me a little to see how i was. At Xmas I texted him and he ignored me. But i got one from him a few days afteer saying he told his wife, and he wanted to save his marriage. he wouldnt call anymore. So, I said I respected his decision. He wouldnt look at me at work the next two weeks. I felt like I couldnt breathe. Finally, he came up to me when it was just us and said "she had gotten in his phone and found a text, but that was all she knew. It wasnt cause he didnt love me, but he had a lot to lose." I confessed to my H about the A when I got that text from him. Unsure and lost.

 

MM and I started talking again. He told me to text him during the day. But he was standoffish a little. During this time, I realized I couldn't stay in my marriage with what i was doing. I got my own apartment. Still in therapy, but still wrapped up. MM and I started back up again. I called him out after a month saying I couldnt do it again, that he made me feel like a hoe and if that was what he wanted then I couldnt do it. He said he loved me, but it was hard because he couldnt leave. Blah blah. He said he'd do better. He has. For the last 3 months he's been ... amazing. Treats me so well. We talk and laugh and he introduced me to his best friends. But I know better. I want more. I deserve more. My H deserves better.

Last week he texted that I was his future. He wanted us to make it. MM came on Friday night and actually spent the night. But, i finally asked him, "will it really still be 11 years until I get to be with you" and he said yes. the finances. I said people do it all the time and work it out. but i will never ask you to leave for me. I just needed to know. He said he loved me and I should go back home, that my H can give me the things I deserve and he cant.

Today.... at work he said "you got me thinking Friday night. but you will wont like my answer." and I said "i know your answer. you wont leave." and he said "yeah, but you should go back home if you want. you can still go home and have me."

 

dont get me wrong, i do love my husband. he is a good man, but how do you go back to something when you know what u could have (and I dont mean just with MM. but the possibility). And how do I walk away from MM? And all that I feel for him? I want to be strong enough to say no more. But I'm terrified he'll just be like "okay."

Thank you for listening. I dont know where else to turn.

 

 

I felt exactly like this as well. As soon as I pulled the plug, my xMM completely backed off. I was afraid to do it, because I knew it would really mean the end. There was a some "future faking" with mine, as with yours. But he also was conflicted, and in the end admitted that he couldn't figure out how to leave. Your MM has been clear - he will not leave. Do you want to live out the next years of your life up and down in this? Read some posts - don't lose years of your life to this.

 

You are in therapy and have separated. I think you have made some good choices... but unfortunately I think the next one is to drop your MM and go NC. You are right - how can you know what you truly want from anyone when you are experiencing the roller coaster of emotions that the affair brings? You need to clear your head and the only way to do that is to get some space from both men.

 

You have made a good start.. time to consider going the next mile and cut contact, as much as you can b/c of your working relationship. There is no future with him. The affair makes it easier for him to stay in his marriage! Take some time to figure out what you want. See if you can have a better connection with your H. Since you've separated a few times already, now is the time to discover whether you continue to build a life with your h or move on. Maybe this was an exit affair for you, as mine was. I also believed sex wasn't that important.. and my xMM showed me different. I now know I can't have a relationship without that aspect.

[stillwater]

It sounds like he's being pretty up-front and honest with you: he won't leave to be with you, but he's willing to keep you around as his side dish for as long as you're willing. Just think about that for a minute, and about whether you're ok with it. And whether you're willing to give up a dozen of the best years of your life for this guy who still might not leave once his kids are gone.

 

If you're not okay with any of that stuff, walk away as soon as you can. The deeper you get into the A, the harder it will be to get out of it. I know it seems like things between you are great, and maybe he'll see the light, but he flat out said that's not going to happen. Take him at his word.

 

For me, reading some of the threads here really helped to see that I wasn't special. Reading other people's stories with the perspective of an outsider, let me see how messed up their situations were. And since their stories were similar to my story, it let me see how messed up MY situation was! So go NC, and every time you feel you want to talk to him, remind yourself that nothing is going to change for years.

 

As for your H, you're young, you have plenty of time to find that "what you could have". If you're truly unhappy with him (independent of MM!) let him go so you both can find happiness. If you think there's a chance, get some counseling (both for yourself and as a couple) and see where it goes.

[jphcbpa]

Agree that you are near the right path, go NC, give yourself some space, time to clear the fog (2 months should do) and keep seeing the therapist. You need to get to the place where you are not choosing MM or H but that you are choosing yourself, your future and your happiness. Get to this place/space mentally, emotionally and then you can make decisions that are best for you

[Artie Lang]

this is some BS, right here.

 

clearly, you're in love with this MM, and are only thinking about going back to your husband because he(OM) won't commit to you. you shouldn't do that to him! you're treating your husband as the fall-back guy.....the consolation prize. you will always be pining for this OM, while pretending to love your husband.

 

you need to tell your husband about the affair you're in - should you decide to reconcile - so he can chose, either to take you back or divorce you.

 

your affair didn't pan out, and now you have a fear of being left out in the cold with nobody.

 

you should D your husband and either continue to be OM's side dish, or pursue a new relationship. either way, you won't have healthy relationship with anyone else, being that you are smitten with this person, who by the way is 15 years older than you.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Professor X]

You keep saying you love your H, but in reality, you don't. Cause you are so overwhelmed by this OM.

 

You wanna know how to walk away? Find a new place to work for starters, and preferably somewhere far enough to force you to relocate to such a place where you can't meet anymore. Give yourself some time after that and things will die out once you can't meet in person.

 

Besides, you really think he'll wait for you for 11 years???? His wife will know of it again and it will blow up. There's just no happy ending for you with him, just no way. It started bad and will end that way.

 

He is 15 years older than you... You're nothing but spring chicken for him

[Furious]

Dear Greyhoundtonowhere

 

I suggest you ditch that Greyhound bus and get on a rocket ship and blast off as far away from your MM as possible. He will never give you a future.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I know you all think I'm an idiot but I appreciate your candor. I know I need to cut off contact. It's just hard to do when I see him each day.

[Furious]

I know you all think I'm an idiot but I appreciate your candor. I know I need to cut off contact. It's just hard to do when I see him each day.

 

 

You work at the same place as your MM and his wife. It would be trouble enough, but to also work with his wife is asking for huge troubles if the affair is exposed. This could cost your job, and any respect by your co-workers.

 

Perhaps, you should be looking for a new job, as this would make it easier for you to break it off.

[Owl]

I'm gonna give you some different advice.

 

File for divorce...today. I see no hope for your marriage. Get it over, as soon as possible.

 

THEN see where things are at with MM.

[Emme]

Grey, just from reading your post I think you should consider the possibility that you have not lived. You got married young. Early 20's should be a time to live and see what's out there. You chose to wed and that stopped you from experiencing life. The temptation of this MM is not just it. To have 3 separations says a lot. This MM might seem like your world now but he isn't. If you were with him you might cheat with the next man that comes along and whispers something sweet. I think you should just take this time as a separated woman to find what you want from life. What you want from men. This is your time to grow as a person. Think about that aspect more than NC and MM. Not that you shouldn't continue with that but there's more than that. Good luck.

[UpwardForward]

I think you would have possibly worked on your M, to make it as exciting as you And your husband would like - if it hadn't been for the fact that the work world (jobsite) has now become a mating site, and a place for germination of these affairs.

 

It will help you to see this R for what it is, if you read other related LS stories/testimonies.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. I know i need therapy, and I of course have a past issue from when I was in 7th grade that I'm dealing with through therapy which apparently explains (not excuses) my need for attention from older/authoritative men. However, I still find it so hard to decide if divorcing H is the right thing. I was honest with him about the affair and open. He wants to work through everything, even after i got my own apartment. We had NC for about a month and have been seeing other other about once a week. I just feel like we're 'friends' and being friends isn't so bad a thing. He is a good man and i want him to be happy, but he still wants to work it out. I had never cheated on/with anyone before I was married, so its not like this is a pattern I had before. As for MM..... he is stringing me along. I will do everything I can to go NC when school ends. He just will walk up to me like this morning and say he loves me and it just, like an idiot, makes me go back to square one. I know I struggle with self-esteem (though not in other aspects of my life.) So is that a good enough reason to walk away from my marriage?

[Artie Lang]

I just feel like we're 'friends' and being friends isn't so bad a thing.

 

you looking at him through a "friend" modality does not bode well for the relationship.

 

you are clearly not in love with this man(husband). why string him along because you don't want to be alone?

 

tell him how you really feel. tell him you don't have romantic feelings for him. be honest with him.

 

have you told him you've discussed a future with OM?

 

if he still wants you after informing him of these things, then that's on him. it seems that you're not letting him in on all that you and OM have discussed, though.

 

you know...i know...and the rest of the posters here know, you don't love your husband anymore.....you said it yourself. you've been checked-out of the marriage for some time now. the only reason you're running back to him is because OM has shown that he isn't willing to leave his marriage for you, just yet. he has you at his beck and call, and you cave every time he tells you he loves you. you are young and naive.....this man is playing on these things. he's banging a nice young chick, while being safe and secure in his marriage. his ego is through the roof, and you're feeding it every time you end up in the sack with him.

 

furthermore, you will never get over him as long as you keep working with him. start looking for another job and get away from this "wolf in sheep's clothing."

[Artie Lang]

Furthermore, as long as she has MM in her mind she cannot fall in love again with her H.

 

not only with her husband, but ANYONE for that matter. that's the thing with affairs. the people involved in them will ALWAYS be pining for the AP.....they will ALWAYS wonder "what could have been." they will always have risidual feelings for them. every new relationship will compared to what they felt while they were in fantasyland. i don't think they will ever give another person a "fair" shot.

 

personally, i wouldn't want to be considered the runner-up in any relationship. i'm either #1, or you(cheater) can go find some other shmuck to keep you company, while you fantasize about your AP.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

My H does know that I fell in love with MM. When I confessed the affair back in December and MM stopped talking to me/looking at me for a month... I was devastated and my H couldnt understand why I was more upset about losing the MM than what I had done to him. He was right. Which was a red flag for me. I SHOULD care more about the man I'm married to and my marriage than losing this other person. I WANT to, but I just didnt. And yes, I've been honest with H about how I feel. H does have some self-esteem issues himself though. He did say he didnt want to have to start over, but he does love me enough and want me to be happy and 'get better.'

 

I realize that I am making conscious decisions to be with someone or cheat or lie. And i hate that I've become a bad person the last 3 years of my life. I am someone I don't recgonize. And That's been since I've been married. No, that's not on my H, but I can't help but feel that means there is something really wrong.

 

And I will go no contact with MM at least via phone/text. But I can't help seeing him in the hallway at school. At least until June. And I dont want to go back to H for fear of being alone. i know I owe him more than that. But part of me wonders if I can get MM out of my life, maybe I can realize my real feelings for H and with some therapy it could be fixed? It's just.... how do you know, until you know?

[Artie Lang]

you keep on mentioning school. does this mean, you three(including his BW) work in education.....a school, i mean?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Yes. That's why i know I'll have the strength to stop when school ends. Out of sight... out of mind. right?

[cocorico]

Greyhound I think you need a new job. It is only a matter of time before this blows up if you and the MM and the BW are all working at the same school. Whether you continue the A or go NC. You've already almost been bust.

 

The MM is offering you a LTA. Is that what you want? If you went to you H and offered him an open M so that you and the MM could continue the A, would your H agree to that? Or is he wanting to reconcile based on you being faithful and having nothing to do with the MM?

 

You need to make some hard choices. It sounds as though your M has been struggling all along. If you choose to reconcile you will need to change jobs, commit to MC and probably sex therapy with your H if your M is to work out.

 

If you are happy to be in a LTA and your H is happy to have an open M then you should ask the MM to ask his W for an open M too so that the threat of a DDay is not hanging over your head all the time. Especially as you are all colleagues.

 

If you leave your M and continue the A as a single OW then you will need to accept the ground rules outlined by the MM since that is all he is offering. But that does not sound like what you are wanting.

 

The other choice is to leave both. And TBH I think, reading your story, that is probably best for you. Neither of these Rs can give you what you're looking for. Perhaps you will find what you need through IC and will then be in a better position to embark on a LTR but for now I don't think either of these Rs, individually or together, will give you what you want.

[woinlove]

Greyhound, the way you describe feeling bad about yourself for three years is heartbreaking and I hope you get into therapy right away, as you should not live that way. From what you write it sounds like it really would be kinder to your H to divorce, as the feelings don't seem to be there, and by your own admission you have treated him horribly.

 

Someone suggested an open M and I think that would be a huge mistake. I know quite a few people in open M, since I am in one myself, and I don't know a single open M that has survived after starting with the deceit and lies of an affair. Also, you don't seem to have the strong connection to your H that any successful M requires. You say you've felt bad for 3 years and if you try to fake your M, you will spend even more years feeling bad.

 

When you think of divorce, what is it that holds you back or makes you think divorce isn't right for you? From what you write it seems you think that after therapy things might really change including your feelings for your H. But what happened just before you got involved with MM? Why weren't you happy and committed in your M then?

Edited May 9, 2012 by woinlove

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Divorce seems hard because even after all I've done my husband still wants to work things out and is there. So how do I walk away if he will wants to fight? When he still sees the good in me? I know I can have an ok life with him and he will treat me right and be there, i just feel like after so long I'll still long for the things we don't have. After our last separation we bought a house and hen it was summer so we spent all our time together. Once school started we were still ok then MM blindsided me and I was so easily strayed. And now I am where I am. MM of course goes through his needy days and the last two barely spoke and didn't text. This morning he saw me in the copy room and talked all sweet then asked if we were gonna text today and I said you tell me an he got mad. I just hate how I let him make me feel. I'm so weak to him. and the thing about getting a job is that it's not so simple. I'm already going through enough changes and struggling. I love my job. My kids. The team I coach. I can't walk away from the one thing I've done right and am happy with. BW is going to a new school next yr. and MM won't be on my hallway anymore. So those are helpful things. I am strong and capable of doing the right things. I'm just scared.

[woinlove]

Divorce seems hard because even after all I've done my husband still wants to work things out and is there. So how do I walk away if he will wants to fight? When he still sees the good in me? I know I can have an ok life with him and he will treat me right and be there, i just feel like after so long I'll still long for the things we don't have. After our last separation we bought a house and hen it was summer so we spent all our time together. Once school started we were still ok then MM blindsided me and I was so easily strayed. And now I am where I am. MM of course goes through his needy days and the last two barely spoke and didn't text. This morning he saw me in the copy room and talked all sweet then asked if we were gonna text today and I said you tell me an he got mad. I just hate how I let him make me feel. I'm so weak to him. and the thing about getting a job is that it's not so simple. I'm already going through enough changes and struggling. I love my job. My kids. The team I coach. I can't walk away from the one thing I've done right and am happy with. BW is going to a new school next yr. and MM won't be on my hallway anymore. So those are helpful things. I am strong and capable of doing the right things. I'm just scared.

 

Having an ok life doesn't sound good enough to me. My H and I adore each other, are so happy to be with each other, and feel like we are exactly where we want to be. To me, that is what a M is, and I think staying in an M because the other person wants to and because it will be ok is just not good enough. You have already hurt your H a lot and divorce will hurt too, but I suspect in the long run it will hurt your H less than if you two stay M. I just don't see what is going to keep you loyal to your H over the years when you already have cheated this soon into your M and you aren't expressing the feelings one usually sees for one's spouse. I do think people can change and I think counselling could help you, but from your posts, I don't see the substance in your M that will sustain it over the years. That's my take on what you write.

[Artie Lang]

So how do I walk away if he will wants to fight?

 

by taking the initiative. in order for a marriage to work, both spouses must be "into" it. clearly, you are NOT. tell him this.

 

 

I know I can have an ok life with him and he will treat me right and be there

 

an "ok" life is not a good enough reason.

 

 

I'll still long for the things we don't have.

 

you have your answer right there-- plain as day.

 

do you really want to go through this again? you'd just be wasting your time.

 

 

as long as MM/OM is within your vicinity, you will never be out of the affair. he will reel you back in. you said it yourself- "I'm so weak to him."

 

 

asked if we were gonna text today and I said you tell me an he got mad.

 

stop giving him an open invitation to suck you back in. don't you see the game he's playing? he's playing the "hot" & "cold" card. he acts like he doesn't care, then turns on the charm to reel you back into the sack.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Radagast]

Divorce seems hard because even after all I've done my husband still wants to work things out and is there. So how do I walk away if he will wants to fight? When he still sees the good in me? I know I can have an ok life with him and he will treat me right and be there, i just feel like after so long I'll still long for the things we don't have. After our last separation we bought a house and hen it was summer so we spent all our time together. Once school started we were still ok then MM blindsided me and I was so easily strayed. And now I am where I am. MM of course goes through his needy days and the last two barely spoke and didn't text. This morning he saw me in the copy room and talked all sweet then asked if we were gonna text today and I said you tell me an he got mad. I just hate how I let him make me feel. I'm so weak to him. and the thing about getting a job is that it's not so simple. I'm already going through enough changes and struggling. I love my job. My kids. The team I coach. I can't walk away from the one thing I've done right and am happy with. BW is going to a new school next yr. and MM won't be on my hallway anymore. So those are helpful things. I am strong and capable of doing the right things. I'm just scared.

 

You said you're so weak to him. So basically you're hoping that tucking him around a corner will make your marriage wonderful? Or is "good enough" good enough for you to limp through for the next few years, punctuated by a few more separations, with your heart never fully invested in your marriage? Is that really all you aspire to from life?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I have told my H many times that I don't feel that way about him. He is just determined that he can make me happy. But I get that I have to do that for myself first, which is probably most of the problem. And still. We get along, we have fun together, we like the same things, we have the same ideas about family/future... so its hard not to look at that and say, why would I leave?

 

MM is doing the hot and cold thing. He texted me like crazy last week-- needy to the point of ridiculous things saying "do you want to have a baby with me next year?" like.... what? (no that isnt happening, he is 'fixed' anyway.) And then the last two days he barely says anything to me at all. But he walks by me at the end of the day today and just gives me that look, and said bye when he was leaving. Like it's nothing? like, no big deal? Friday night you spent the night (actually, just slept) and you said you loved me so much. Sigh.

I guess tomorrow is another day to try again. I can make it where we dont see each other if I really go out of my way. It's difficult, but I want to do it to stop feeling this way. The roller-coaster thing was perfect. That is how I feel. I just wish the highs weren't so good.