Artie Lang Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 i just don't see how you're going to put a stop to the "madness," as long you keep working there. even throughout the summer break, he's gonna keep pursuing you. i guarantee it! somethimes there are things you must do, knowing they are going to hurt. you need to make it clear to him(OM) that under any circumstance can you two keep contact. this is the only way i see you working it out with your husband. other than that, you're just "talkin' out of your ass." you need to make decision soon. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 I have told my H many times that I don't feel that way about him. He is just determined that he can make me happy. But I get that I have to do that for myself first, which is probably most of the problem. And still. We get along, we have fun together, we like the same things, we have the same ideas about family/future... so its hard not to look at that and say, why would I leave? MM is doing the hot and cold thing. He texted me like crazy last week-- needy to the point of ridiculous things saying "do you want to have a baby with me next year?" like.... what? (no that isnt happening, he is 'fixed' anyway.) And then the last two days he barely says anything to me at all. But he walks by me at the end of the day today and just gives me that look, and said bye when he was leaving. Like it's nothing? like, no big deal? Friday night you spent the night (actually, just slept) and you said you loved me so much. Sigh. I guess tomorrow is another day to try again. I can make it where we dont see each other if I really go out of my way. It's difficult, but I want to do it to stop feeling this way. The roller-coaster thing was perfect. That is how I feel. I just wish the highs weren't so good. Your plan is pretty obvious . Since you are continuing with your MM while still being married to your H ,it is clear that you want to string your H along until MM becomes available or some new man comes up . Untill then being with H wouldn't be so bad , specially when you know he will be doing his best to please you to win you back . right ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 10, 2012 Author Share Posted May 10, 2012 It's not a 'plan.' I do love my husband, which is why when he wants to fight and loves me it is so hard to just give up knowing that fighting for us would make him happier. I thought people weren't supposed to be rude or judgmental, but helpful. Thanks a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 It's not a 'plan.' I do love my husband, which is why when he wants to fight and loves me it is so hard to just give up knowing that fighting for us would make him happier. I thought people weren't supposed to be rude or judgmental, but helpful. Thanks a lot. While I would not put it as bluntly as bp, I think bp makes an excellent point. I also think this is where you are heading, whether you think you are planning it or not. I mentioned earlier that I thought it would be kinder to your H to divorce him now, and from everything you post, I really think that is true. Otherwise, I think it is very likely you will cheat again. The combination of having cheated so early in your M, the lack of a strong foundation and strong feelings with your H, and his current reaction, all adds up to an unhappy M for a while and divorce sometime in the future after even more hurt and pain has accumulated. If you disagree with this analysis, perhaps you can try to articulate why, because I am not reading anything in your posts that suggest otherwise. You might as well be planning it because it seems your feelings and actions are lining up to make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 10, 2012 Author Share Posted May 10, 2012 Don't get me wrong..... I obviously know there are many issues, which is why I did decide (as hard as it was) to separate. And we did sign papers stating we are legally separated "single as such." That being said, we are still good friends. Which makes it hard. We've hung out a few times over the last month and it is just easy to be together. And this past summer when we got our new house.... things were good. Then school started, and MM came in the picture and I made bad decisions and then stopped feeling good with my H. And found myself unsure of what else to try. I am still in therapy. And we did go see the therapist several times together after I confessed about the A a few months back. I just don't normally do things without being sure, and I married this good man because I was in love with him. I wasn't unsure before I got married. So, it's still so hard for me sometimes to see that if I can just 'get my mind right' and choose to make myself happy, that I can then be happy with him and make him happy. But I see the other side too. I see being alone and actually loving myself and figuring out what I need to be happy in a R. But you're right... I always thought that it was bad that so early in the marriage, things went wrong, and I ended up being unfaithful. But then everyone says the first few years are hard. but they shouldnt be this hard and it shouldnt be all of the time. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Don't get me wrong..... I obviously know there are many issues, which is why I did decide (as hard as it was) to separate. And we did sign papers stating we are legally separated "single as such." That being said, we are still good friends. Which makes it hard. We've hung out a few times over the last month and it is just easy to be together. And this past summer when we got our new house.... things were good. Then school started, and MM came in the picture and I made bad decisions and then stopped feeling good with my H. And found myself unsure of what else to try. I am still in therapy. And we did go see the therapist several times together after I confessed about the A a few months back. I just don't normally do things without being sure, and I married this good man because I was in love with him. I wasn't unsure before I got married. So, it's still so hard for me sometimes to see that if I can just 'get my mind right' and choose to make myself happy, that I can then be happy with him and make him happy. But I see the other side too. I see being alone and actually loving myself and figuring out what I need to be happy in a R. But you're right... I always thought that it was bad that so early in the marriage, things went wrong, and I ended up being unfaithful. But then everyone says the first few years are hard. but they shouldnt be this hard and it shouldnt be all of the time. Right? Actually you are getting me wrong . I was saying that since you are continuing your affair with MM , you are making a choice of further damaging your M while pretending that you are working on it . Remember words mean nothing ,your actions are what define you . Good luck & take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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