First Relationship after His Divorce

[breezy]

Hello All,

I am new to this and was just brousing through the internet to try and help me find some answers. Is it really true that no one should get involved in a serious relationship after a divorce? I know some men who can pick up and move on and others (like my so called "ex") who is having trouble coping with single life again. I am not sure that makes sense. There divorce was very civil, both wanted it and both agreed on everything. There was no fighting, no complications...just two people who fell out of love. When we first started dating he had only been divorced for 2 months and we had met at the gym. When we first started seeing each other, neither of us expected to fall in love. We are both in our EARLY 30's. He swore to me that he was ready and we had a great time. We decided to move in together and I told him up front that I needed to know where our relationship was going. Not as if I was asking for a marriage proposal, but needed to know that he knew I wanted it and that is the road I am wanting to take with him. He agreed and everything was fine. During our process of looking at homes, he came back and told me that he is not ready to make that kind of commitment to me. He just got out of a marriage and its too soon for him to be thinking about jumping back into another one, so we ended things. I am not sure I was willing to just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind that I was the one. Maybe I should have been patient. He had been single for many years before his ex wife. He is not a partier, does not have allot of friends, does not feel the need to "explore" sorta speak. But I feel that maybe he just really does need some time to "find himself". I don't know if I am making sense. But do you believe that men really do need some time to readjust to being single again and dealing with there emotions.

[milla]

As someone who just left her husband, I can't forsee being in a serious relationship for the next whole year at least. If I met someone really special, I would try to keep it light-hearted and explain how I feel and hope they can understand and be patient with me. I can't tell you if you should or should not wait for him... but I understand where he's coming from. I can't begin to imagine househunting with someone new in the next few months! The thought gives me chills! It's way to premature after all I've been through. If I date at all, I will take it very slowly. Your guy probably feels similarly and personally, I think that him not rushing into things with you will mean that your relationship will be healthier if you two do end up together very seriously.

 

Just my two cents.

[StartingAgain]

I'm a divorced man. It's been six months now. I'm beginning to date again and hope to one day find someone to share my life with. But I am not ready to by a house and move in with anyone. You were smart to challenge him. You got him to thinking that maybe before he got in to deep, he'd better carefully consider whether or not he was ready.

 

Some people, mostly women would tell you that it's too early for me to be back out there. I don't think so, since I've done a lot of hard work on myself over the last year and I alllowed myself to go through all the steps of grieving my civorce. Yet, I think that getting into a relationship after a mere two months after my divorece would have been a tragic mistake. I was still reeling and not rreally thinking straight. And I understood that there was another danger. When we go through a divorce, especially one we don't want, it leaves a big hole in our life; a hole we desperately want to fill. Often what happens is that we subconsiously try to replace what we've lost. This can mean that we go out looking for someone who is as much like our lost spouse as possible. We don't even realize we are doing this. That's a really bad way of selecting a partner.

 

He sounds like a decent fellow and you a wise lady. Keep in touch with him, but give him time to collect hiself. It may be that he will realize that what he felt for you wasn't really love for you, but love for his ex that he transferred to you. (sorry I don't believe that you can "fall out of love," but only choose not to love anymore.) But when he's ready, he may decide that he has found something special in you. Only next time, the two of you take things a bit more slowly. Whether or not his divorce was civil and the agreed on everything, even the most civil of divorces is an emotional upheaval.

 

There may be one other thing going on here. Several of my mne friends told me that i needed to go out and find myself a "transition woman." This wouldn't be a permenent relationship, just someone to help me get over my ex quicker. I thought this an absurd idea and am thankful that I had women friends who felt the same and supported me, lest I succumb to the temptation.....

 

Good luck to you.

[breezy]

The more I look at things and start thinking.....I know that this is for the best. I knew from the beginning that it was too soon for him and I told him over and over that it was too soon, but he was so sure that this what what he wanted and needed. Like I said before, he really is a great man who I know does care for me. He told me that he is taking a break from any relationship and that right now he is trying to concentrate on getting his life together. I can understand what he is feeling and needing right now so its very hard for me to be angry with him. I try and keep things civil between us. I am not the type of person who hold grudges or plays the blaming game. I have never been that way. I just look at it as two people who fell in love, but who wanted to take two different paths in life. I have never been married and nor I even try to imagine what it must feel like to loose that part of your life that you built with someone. For instance, he is having to downsize twice his home from what he lived in, trying to deal with living on one income, loosing his friends and having to start all over. My gosh...he didnt even know how to balance his check book!!! But we are both mature about it. I look at it as I am still young, educated, have a great career and I do have allot going for me in life. I will bounce back and I am so thankful that I do have so many great friends. I will give him his space as he wanted and if he does one day realize that I was the one, then so be it...maybe I will be around, maybe I wont.