No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[dreamguy]

To all of you out there who lose faith in the no contact rule day by day... It does work.

The time that it takes your ex to call you depends on what you did and said when they asked for a break.

The more you begged (sorry if this sounds rude) the more they will wait before realizing you really decided to go on without them.

Exactly 3 weeks and 1 day after I initiated the no contact process (and God knows how many times I almost failed and I was dying to contact her) she contacted me today ! To be honest, I had almost lost all hope that she would ever call again. I was getting ready to move on with my own life.

So I answered and I just acted cool (not too cool by sounding enthusiastic and eager otherwise it would be obvious I'm playing a game). YOU DON'T WANT YOUR EX TO KNOW YOU'RE PLAYING IT COOL WHEN THEY CALL YOU. YOUR WORDS, YOUR TONE OF VOICE, YOUR CONTROLLED DETACHMENT AND ALOOFNESS MUST ALL MAKE HER/HIM FEEL THAT YOU'RE REALLY SINCERELY PLAIN NEUTRAL.

That's exactly what I did when she asked how I was, I said I'm fine... we talked for a few seconds about the summer and the beach... blablabla. Then she said "I'm free during week days" as to hint that I should ask her out. I didn't !! Remember she must ask to see you and even when she does (depending on how much you can hold yourself) you can decline by saying "I'm sorry but I already have plans on that particular day" and then calmly propose another day during the week. If she accepts, so be it... if she doesn't then he or she will probably call you later on to make other plans.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that you should always hang up first ! To make them wonder why on earth you (who were so in Love with them) don't want to keep them on the line as long as you can !!

So I told her: "That's great but I gotta get going. I'm a bit in a hurry as I promised my friends to meet them at this birthday party my friend is having." Then I said "it was nice talking to you ... see ya" and I hung up. The reason I said "it was nice talking to you" was to confuse the hell out of her !! To send her mixed signals just like she used to do to me. I want her to start thinking "If he was happy to talk to me then why did he hang up so fast !!". Tables are starting to turn. Even if I never get that girl back, I got my pride back and it feels so self-satisfying !!

I can assure you that she didn't like my attitude but that's what I wanted. To stir up her weak emotions. Do you know why she disliked my answer and behavior ? Because IT MADE HER LOSE CONTROL for the first time in weeks !! She felt the power was starting to shift to my side again and she sure didn't like it !!

I can only tell you it's a GREAT feeling when you feel the power filling you up after weeks and months of despair and hopelessness !! IT FEELS F******* AWESOME !! It pays off !!

As if this was not enough to brighten up my day, I met this gorgeous girl at the party and got her number. I'll call her sometime at the end of this week.

It's true when they say... sometimes you go down (so deep in sadness) that you cannot go any deeper and then fate smiles at you and you start heading towards the surface again... towards the sun !!

This message goes to all of you who are sad, in depression, hopeless... You will not be like that forever !! I promise !! The sun will shine on you one day soon and when it does it'll clear the darkness from your hearts and fill you up with joy. KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF AND STAY STRONG EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE !!

I'll keep you posted if something new occurs.

[Fayebelle]

I'm confused- do you want your GF back or not? To me the no contact rule was to give time to heal IF reconciliation wasn't possible. Now she calls you and you are initiating games and picking up another chick's #. If you want her back show some respect. If you don't then drop the games and try being friends or moving on.

[Mr Spock]

I am so proud of you and glad for you. It really sounds like you're taking control of your self esteem, and your confidence. Please keep up the good work. It is never healthy when one person holds all the cards in a relationship-I am glad you are taking some of those back. Regardless if you reconnect, I am glad that this exercise is helping you see that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!

 

Please keep us updated.

[lost_in_chgo]

forget that Fay, he played it perfectly.

 

Why should she get everything she wants whenever she wants it?

Sounds to me like the no contact rule was to give her time to get her act together and him time to realize he didn't need her and it was up to him whether or not he'd take her back.

[Fayebelle]

Well I just don't believe in games. She shouldn't fet everything she wants unless it is what he wants too. But if you've been waiting to be w/her then go for it. If you're not sure -tell her. If you don't tell her to take a hike. Honesty is a beautiful thing!

[Mr Spock]

Yep. But good for him for reclaiming some of his self esteem with her!!! Way to go.

[dasani08810]

Honesty? You mean like when they say:

 

"I need a break to think"

but they really mean:

"there's this guy I'm interested in and I'm going to date him and keep you in limbo just in case"

 

or

 

"It's not you, it's me"

but they really mean:

"there's this guy I'm interested in and I'm going to date him and keep you in limbo just in case"

 

or

 

" I just need some time/space"

but they really mean: Yep you got it!

"there's this guy I'm interested in and I'm going to date him and keep you in limbo just in case"

 

It ABSOLUTELY is a game! It's a power play and they want to see you cave. It's their game and they think they make the rules. When you don't cave, it kills them. The honesty is in the actions of the dumpee. They're honest enough to say "I love this person and I'm going to struggle to not contact them. I'll be going through my private hell knowing what they're up to and still not contact them. I'll give them the freedom they want."

 

This is honesty at its base. You are saying "do what you want, I'll do the same." They don't have to know what we're really going through. We can fake it till we make it. If we start acting as though they are gone and not contacting them, what we're doing is practicing for the worst but also hoping for the best.

 

The way I see it, until the dumper gives the dumpee his/her exclusive committed love and respect again, the dumpee is free to get whatever phone numbers he/she wants. He's been released to do so.

 

In the honesty game, do you suggest that as soon as the light comes on in the dumper, we just welcome them back with open arms and all is just dreamy again? If we make it easy for them to return, it's easy for them to take off yet again after another interest.

 

I remember a girl I used to date that dumped me years ago. At the time I was in a band and it was EASY to keep myself "busy" (although I didn't). One night, my ex-gf walked into our dressing room and checked my stuff while I was on stage. I knew she would do that stuff (because I dumped her once and she did it) so, before I got to the club, I put an economy size box of condoms in my bag. Well, actually I only put 2 condoms in an empty condom box that used to hold 36 condoms. Mind you we were only broken up 2 weeks at that point and we didn't use condoms at that time. LOL I'm not saying that was "honest" at the time, but eventually it would have been. I would have had sex that many times (34) eventually. All I was doing was letting her feel the realizm of her actions while the feelings were still there; although buried. So, I merely expidited the resolution. Guess who called me the next day? Yup. And guess who told her I was really having a nice time alone and would like to think about it for a while. Guess who called me about 4 or 5 times a day AND took 2 weeks vacation to follow me around clubs throughout the Southeast trying to win me back? I eventually took her back but I ended up dumping her a few months later. I never got over the fact that she got me to the point that I surrendered some of my dignity. I gave her love, money, fun, time, etc. But that wasn't enough, she had to have my dignity. When she dumped me, I gave her some of that and got it thrown back at me. Never got past that and broke it off. She was a maneater.

 

This is nothing more than "tough love". We are giving them what they asked for even though it sometimes costs us some of our own dignity.

 

Sure, in a perfect world with perfect people, we wouldn't have to work like this. But, reality is, we're human and make mistakes. Nothing wrong with covertly pointing out our ex's mistakes by making them realize their loss early on.

 

Know what I mean?????

 

LOL

[dreamguy]

Fayebelle,

"Well I just don't believe in games. She shouldn't fet everything she wants unless it is what he wants too. But if you've been waiting to be w/her then go for it. If you're not sure -tell her. If you don't tell her to take a hike. Honesty is a beautiful thing!"

Eventhough I respect every single person on this forum I still have to totally disagree with you.

Honesty is what got me to the break in the first place ! After our first break (of about 10 days) I did the mistake of sharing my feelings with her. Stupid mistake !! Why ? Coz immediately after that (less than 24 hours after she got that total control) she asked for a permanent break. Thank God I didn't beg when she did. I just told her "If that's how you feel then so be it".

 

Mr Spock, lost_in_chgo and especially dasani08810, I got two words for you: YOU ROCK !!

Simply because I couldn't add one single line to what you said. You said it all and you said it prefectly well.

 

As a reminder: In my case I'm the guy and she's the girl but don't be fooled... this post goes to all the people who have been dumped whether you're a girl who has been dumped by a guy or vice versa.

Claim your respect back, opt for the no contact policy and stick to it at all costs until the dumper gives you his/her exclusive committed love and respect again as dasani08810 wrote.

Why would it be considered wrong if I got a girl's phone number (after having been dumped for 3 weeks by my ex even after having discussed engagement with her) while she's free to date (or go try) some other person leaving me in a limbo state. Nope, sorry Fayebelle I don't think I'm the one playing games. I'm was dumped, I got released (again as dasani08810 wrote) and this gives me the freedom to date whomever I choose to.

 

dasani08810, seriously now, I think everyone (men and women) in here should read your post again and again.

I like the way you analyze it all... makes perfect sense to me !

[dreamguy]

Still as hard as ever in the "No Contact" process.

Ex calls again today (she had previously called on Monday). Only this time I didn't answer her.

I'll keep you posted

KEEP THE FAITH !!

[Mr Messed Up]

Justs a quick question Dreamguy, what would you reply if your ex said she missed you after 3 week N/C , daft question maybe but I think when I answered "I really missed her too" I just handed her back all the power in one go! and so Im back to square one again aaaaaarrrrggggg!!

[sid3]

It sounds as though your ex maybe really considering what she has given up, maybe just testing the waters, I don't know. I'm thinking that she is probaly pretty surprised regardless. It is a good thing to hear that you are consistent with your determination in taking a break for you, even though you haven't told her so. Why even mention it. That's actually a good sign, shows that your not going back too cure lonliness and for the wrong reason(s). As far as getting the phone number that Fay had replied to, I say hell yeah, if that's where your at, you should get a stack of them!

[dreamguy]

Mr Messed Up,

You can miss a friend, you can miss your dog, you can miss your car, you can miss a sport... So saying I missed you too (when she was the first one to say it) is ok. You're being passive. You're reacting to her actions. You're not initiating anything.

In fact, the first time my ex called last Monday she immediately said "missed ya"... to which I replied "kinda of missed you too" but in a very relaxed way.

I don't think it means I handed her back the power. As long as I don't call for the time being then I'm fine. The proof ? She called again twice yesterday.

Yes, I said twice. First time I didn't answer her so she called again like 3 hours later. I answered and I even sounded cooler than I did last Monday. I could tell she was kind of relaxed, she was starting to let her defenses down. She tried to know if I was seeing someone else but I didn't give her a straight answer. I just said "Yeah I'm going out a lot". Then I made a joke and she laughed like crazy.

The point is: She has no clue as to what I'm up to but she enjoyed talking to me because I was so confident and I didn't sound sad or angry. I treated her as a new friend I had just met. It's like telling your ex "I used to love you but now I'm back to " I like you " and you'll have to work hard if you want me to ever Love you again".

 

Sid,

it's a good thing to hear that you are consistent with your determination in taking a break for you

You got that right. Now I'm the one enjoying the break. I'm using every second of it to understand and explore my true feelings for her. I want to be sure that this is the ONE. It's been more than 1 month since I last saw her.

About getting phone numbers, I got another phone number on Thursday . Pretty good looking girl and, when I called her yesterday, she invited me to a party her friends are having. Of course, I'm always careful but I'm gonna have a hell of a time tonight !

 

Keep smiling and never underestimate the power of your own mind !! Use it to your own advantage.

[stanza]

Are your feelings for her changing with all these other girls you're meeting?

 

Keep us posted. I'm in a very similar situation - I'm trying the no contact rule but it's still very early on and I'm worried as hell!

[freddienonose]

Hi guys,

 

This thread made for very interesting reading.

 

My similar tale can be found here. I'd be interesting in hearing the thoughts of dreamguy or anyone else who has two cents worth.

 

No contact is very, very tough. I think about reaching out to her every minute of every day. I'm also crying and vomiting regularly. This has never happened to me before and it's a truly horrible state of affairs.

 

To be honest, I don't really see my girlfriend coming back but dreamguy's tale certainly inspires some hope and has given me the determination not to acknowledge her birthday this Thursday.

 

Thanks.

[fishman3226]

I got a similar thing where my ex - who I saw for a few weeks since the break up and she kept going hot and cold - has started contacting me.

 

Kind of wierd in that i made no real effort to contact her at all - hell, i have a woman I now call my girlfriend which the ex knows about.

 

I ignored her calls, made no effort at all to contact her and only in the past week she has been in contact again.

 

Problem is though I dont know 100% her motives (the ex) and I dont know if I want her back - though I still think I love her.

 

Lets just say that after no contact for 2 months (and I was busy with the new woman) she contacted me - 4calls in a weekend - 3 emails also - and yesterday an email that just seemed to be sent by mistake.... just a series of dots - like she was thinking what to type and sent it by mistake.

 

I replied - "Hi, look, if you are thinking of me that's cool. I have been thinking of you alot of late."

 

Problem here is a new woman - who suspects something I think - whilst it sounds bad, if nothing happens all I can do is move on from the ex completely and have this new woman (and technically I have.) But if stuff does happen... man.... what a quandry....

[dreamguy]

stanza,

It has been 1 month since I last saw her. I can tell you one thing though, I miss her presence so much !

I'm just not 100% sure what I feel about her anymore. Maybe if I saw her again face to face then I'd be more certain of my feelings.

The girls I've been meeting help keep her off my mind but not off my heart (if you know what I mean). For the time being, they make me feel wanted (what every person longs for). The thing is, no two persons on the face of the planet are totally alike. Just like fingerprints and that's why I doubt that any person can replace another in the full meaning of the word.

 

freddienonose,

I'm sorry to know you're feeling so bad ! Take it easy on yourself.

I just read your post and I replied there.

 

fishman3226,

I'm happy to hear you've been dating someone else (whom you like).

But don't fool with your new girlfriend (just be casual for the time being) if you still have hopes of returning to your ex. Otherwise you would end up hurting your new girlfriend just like your ex hurt you. Is that what you want ?

[freddienonose]

Thanks a lot dreamguy.

 

To be honest, logging in here and reading all of the NC stories has been a godsend. I think what has me so messed up is the thought that she never really gave a ****, the thought that she could cut me off so easily when she supposedly loved me and then be so casual and offhand in the street. I'd like to believe that she walked around the corner and then showed signs of stress, but who knows? That's one of the hardest things - not being party to the dumper's true feelings.

 

And in response to your reply to Stanza - Yeah, I feel that another girl is just the tonic I need at the moment, especially because I suspect that another man may well be the reason that I got the flick. But then again, I am excessively paranoid and jealous....

 

Thing is, although I've been out and about in pubs and clubs maybe four or five times in the two weeks since we broke up and I've seen plenty of nice women - nicer women even - I can't imagine being with any of them. I can't even comprehend what it would be like to kiss someone else at the moment. I doubt she's having the same problem!!!

 

And I completely echo your sentiments to Fishman - It is good that you're dating someone else but be upfront about everything that's going on. If watching others relationships and going through this one has taught me anything, it's that I never want to be responsible for anyone else feeling like I do now.

[fishman3226]

I actually said to her tonight that the ex contacted me and that we had a riendly conversation about things.

 

The ex made some statements about missing me and that she did not say that she had not thought about 'us.' She diud ask about my current girl.

 

I feel kind of different - like I will get some resolution if i persue this

[freddienonose]

Well, fingers crossed for you man, if that's what you really want. But make sure that it is. Be careful and take it slow.

 

Oh, and the series of dots is a classic. Just like a blank text message. She wants contact with you but isn't sure what to say, is afraid of how to pitch it etc. Those 'mistakes' are simply designed to elicit a reply. I think the signs are quite good there.

[mrbubbles]

right, what do u do when ur ex calls u 4 times but ur not in and u pick up the 4th time and shes all cool and asking questions wer i am etc and also sends me a text saying she thought of me and phones me again the next day then day after that u have to phone her to ask something about her stuff and she decides to act moody for no reason..now its 2 days of no contact again..just when i thought she decided what she wants she decides to act all funny???????????????????????????????????

[dreamguy]

mrbubbles,

Sometimes it's better not to analyze a situation at all. Why ? Because sometimes there are no real motives behind someone's erratic behavior. They're just LOST.

To explain what I mean I'll tell you my own story. Last friday, my ex called me (she had called 3 days before on tuesday as well). I was in the shower so I couldn't pick up the phone. She called 3 hours later and I answered.

While we were talking (both in a cool way) she said: "The reason I'm calling is because I dreamt of you last night !".

How do you want me to answer that ? Right, in a cool way so here's what happened:

I said "and where was I in your dream ?"

she said "you were in the shower."

I said "nice, was I facing you or was my back turned ?"

she said "you were facing me."

I slightly laughed and I said "that must have been a pretty hot dream then."

she said "exactly, that's why I'm calling."

 

We talked again for a couple of minutes and then we hung up. She hasn't called since then (it's been 1 week).

To make the story even more interesting, guess what happened on Wednesday ? I was on the beach (same beach where we met last year) and I was making my way to the swimming pool when I suddenly saw her there... sitting with her sister on the other side. Man was I shocked ! But I can assure you I didn't let that show on my face at all ! Instead, I kept walking straight ahead. On the other hand, she couldn't help but show the expression of surprise on her face. Why ? Because I've been lifting weights for the last 10 months so you can say I've completely changed (I'm also 6'3'' tall by the way). I bet she was thinking: "Damn I made a mistake by dumping him !"

As I passed in front of them, I slightly turned my head. She was looking at her sister (faking it as if she didn't see me) but her sister said "hi" to which I replied "how is it going" and I continued walking till I reached my place. I then took a swim and, as they were leaving, my ex looked at me and waved goodbye with her hand. I winked back.

Did she think I was going to talk to her ? Keep looking at her all the time ? Hell NO !! Not when she didn't look at me when I said "hi" to her sister. But I can assure you she knows I'm in control because she couldn't leave without waving her hand and saying goodbye.

Do I see a lot of inconsistency in her behavior ? Of course I do.

Do I want to know whether she has decided what she wants or not ? Of course not !

I will be wasting my time. Trust me, when someone decides what they want then you won't even have to analyze the situation because it will so obvious that you'll see it right away. Their actions/words will simply be coherent and consistent all the time.

[mrbubbles]

erm..well, i live abit far away now..so the only way of contact is the phone..im just asking whether i should try anything u know bcos i do want her back so i guess i have to play it abit smart but the distaance is a problem. im just abit confused what she is going through at the moment, im sure shes abit confused but id still like some sort of contact i guess, even as friends.right so witht he behaviour of what shes been acting like ur advice would be to just leave her to it and carry on chilling ? im trying to make this as hard a spossible for her!!

[Whisper]

Is it ever too late to start no contact? My ex broke up with me three weeks ago. We were together for a year. He's already intersted in another girl, but at the moment the girl does not want a realationship. But they spend a lot of time together. He's talked to me about her before.

 

We never talk on the phone, but we talk daily for a few hours online. He still tells me he cares about me, and still mentions things like "I had a dream that you and I had sex last night" and things like that. I've seen him three times since the break up. Once to go out to lunch, and once to just hang out at his house, but we ended up making out .. which he now regrets. The other time wasn't anything special.

 

 

I still want him back SO SO bad. All my friends comment on how he should'nt care for me so much still if he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Does no contact really work? Even if it's only eliminating something like text messaging? What should I do? Block his SN from my buddy list?

 

Help! lol.

[mrbubbles]

try this, from this message on dont phone text or message him at all , for 3 days or more. if he tries to message u dont reply the same day but act cool and casual , it should make him feel like hes losing you which in that time he should make a choice either that or u tell him that, simple in the mean time im waiting for dreamguy's reply

[fishman3226]

Stuffed situation we are all in huh?

 

My ex I saw when I went up to her level for an interview - I KNOW she saw me but I thought bugger it I will say "You looked good today, my interview went great"

 

She SMSed me asking why I think she looks great and I told her what I found attractive.

 

Then later on I get an SMS saying that to meet her at a bar - I was in another city so I could not - so I SMSed 'huh?'

 

10 minutes later she is ringing me saying "Oh, that was for my friend Nicole" strange how Nicole alphabetically is no where near my name, starting with an A.

 

So we chatted for a few minutes and left it at that... I ended the call abruptly to give her a taste I suppose and left it at that...

 

I am missing her more and more now...