No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[dreamguy]

MrBubbles,

I'd say 2 or 3 days of no contact is too little. Aim for 1 week.

your problem is similar to mine. You still have no clue as to why she is calling. Could she have regrets ? Could she be testing the waters and making sure you're still there ? Too early to tell.

 

Whisper,

Do you want to know who your bf prefers more ? You or the other girl ? He surely won't tell you if you ask him. Cut the contact for a little while and check his reaction.

[shellen]

hi guys...just thought perhaps can get some advice fr yall...since everyone here seem to be into the No Contact rule thingy...

 

well...unfortunately i only found tis site after 9 months of keeping in touch with my ex. I did all the try to win him back stuffs, pretty much flung my pride aside for him. But even after i found out abt the no contact rule, i still cld not do it. Now, it's been a yr since i broke up w my ex. He has been seeing someone else almost right after we broke up, but I only found out 6 months later. About one week ago, i decided I do not want to stay in touch with him anymore because he was just keeping me around in case things do not work out with his current gf. he did a very selfish thing by asking me stuffs like what if he broke up with his gf because he said he still did not if she was the one for him. By that time I had pretty much given up hope of a reconciliation, but what he did just gave me false hope and got me all upset again. So, I wrote him a farewell email so to speak.

 

He replied saying that did not want to lose me just like that and he wanted to still be friends. He said he was losing a wonderful friend, companion and soulmate and that his life will not really be complete without me. I did not respond anything and he spent the next few days asking me if i read it and finally last nite he asked if he could me meet me the next morning. I continued not to respond and he msged and called me in the morning. I did not feel like meeting up with him and I also know that he asked to meet in the morning so that his gf will not be too suspicious. (i forgot to mention this past one yr he has been keeping in touch with me behind his gf's back) I did a stupid thing so that i cld test his response.I replied to his msg and said i just woke up, how abt meeting in the evening. I know his evenings are reserved for time with his gf. As expected he replied like three hrs later saying he cannot make it and dats it. I am not bothered by his answer because I expected it and i genuinely am not in the mood to see him. But what i am regretful is that I may have given him the impression that ive given in on my decision to not contact him anymore and he can diss me around again.

 

I have not responded to his last msg. Do you guys think he wld have think ive given in? Because I most certainly want to stick to my decision. Basically what I hope to achieve from my decision is two things. Since he is determined not to leave his gf even tho he is still not sure if she is the one, I wanna move on. Ive pretty much waited around for him for one year. Also, if I'm really as important as he make me out to be, I want him to realize that he was losing me for gd and I wun be waiting around for him anymore. So if he really needs me to 'complete' his life he has to do it now and not come back for me only if things dun work out for them. So what u guys think is the best thing to do now? Is there a need for me to clarify to him once more abt my stand or should I just let things be? This is the first time I'm so determined not to contact him, I really wish not to mess things up again.

 

sorry for the long post...

[fishman3226]

SHELLEN: Give up on him - hell, I dont want to say negative things but you deserve better than that - ind someone that is prepared to treat you with some respect and honour.

 

Myself I had an interesting experience - my ex's sister rang tonight looking for her...

 

Odd lik she expected her to be here - maybe I might be wrong..

 

Anyhow, I SMSed my ex and said she was looking for her - she re-iterated that she will see me in a week - like a dismissal to some extent. I am kind of thinking that I am not going to make any real effort now - she can 'pay' for me to be in her life - I dont come cheap!

 

I made a point to this wek of making mysel fout to be busy and achieving...rub it in deep who and what I am.

[junegloom]

Hi everybody! This is a question for dreamguy..

 

My boyfriend hasn't broken up with me.. yet. He's trying to decide to.. he says he's not sure what he wants. So I told him he should go think about it, "take your time", and I'm going to move on with my life..

 

Which I have done. It's been two weeks and we haven't spoken. (Although now I wish I didn't say "take your time".)

 

At first I thought I really handed over all the power to him which was a huge mistake, so I'm hoping my total absence is getting some of that power back.

 

Background: We dated for 3 1/2 years - great relationship and very much in love.. The boy doesn't want to marry and is afraid he's holding me back. That's what this is all about.

 

The last time we spoke he said he's "still in love with me".

 

I can tell he still wants to be with me.. He feels guilty that he's doesn't want to get engaged right now and wants to stop feeling guilty. He doesn't know when he'll want to marry. I'm older than him so my clock is ticking.

 

I've been reading related posts on here, which has been so helpful, and I've taken your advice to heart. Despite how sad I get once in a while and desparate to speak to him, desparate to know what he's thinking.. I don't call or contact him in anyway. I've been good.. sometimes I come close to slipping though. Like yesterday, I dialed the entire number except the last digit! But I didn't call. Pathetic huh?

 

Anyway, do you, or anybody else out there, have any thoughts on this? Do you think N/C will work in this situation?

 

I want us to be back to the way we were.. I couldn't care less about when I get married anymore.. I just like it the way it is.. was I mean..

 

Thanks!

[shellen]

junegloom:

 

well im not sure if it will work in this case. but i think each time u decide to practise the no contact rule u gotta prepare urself mentally that it could go both ways. I think the best approach to adopt to no contact rule is to see it as time for you to move on and to get use to life without him. and if he does realize what he has given up during this time, it wld be a bonus and u can decide then if u still want to be with him. because if u are gonna practise the no contact rule with big hopes that he will come back for u and if it does not materialize (touchwood) then i think u cld be even more devastated.

 

fishman:

 

ya u r right. I should just forget it. I mean it does not really matter what he thinks. As long as I know myself that I do want to stop contact with him and move on, that's more important. but i did just drop him a msg saying yea I knew he wld not be able to meet me in the evening and wished him all the best and goodbye.

[dreamguy]

junegloom,

At first I thought I really handed over all the power to him which was a huge mistake, so I'm hoping my total absence is getting some of that power back.

You didn't hand over any power by saying "go think about it, "take your time", and I'm going to move on with my life." You just can't go back to him right now (perhaps in a few more weeks) unless you are TOTALLY convinced this is the man you want to be with no matter what the consequences. Read on to find out what I think about all this.

 

Background: We dated for 3 1/2 years - great relationship and very much in love.. The boy doesn't want to marry and is afraid he's holding me back. That's what this is all about.

He feels guilty that he's doesn't want to get engaged right now and wants to stop feeling guilty. He doesn't know when he'll want to marry. I'm older than him so my clock is ticking.

I think he knows your clock is ticking and he feels you're too scared to take a decision (to leave him since he can't get married). So he tried to give you a push by saying he needs some time alone. To see if you would accept it and move on or you are really willing to wait for him. The thing is, he wants YOU to take that decision all by yourself. He doesn't want to have a guilty conscience by taking that decision for you when he can't get engaged !

 

Like yesterday, I dialed the entire number except the last digit! But I didn't call. Pathetic huh?

Nope ! Not pathetic at all. I'd call it "HUMAN". Every human being has doubts, fears, desires, etc... The funny thing is, we rarely experience ONE SINGLE emotion at a given time. They're almost always intermingled. Love with doubts, desires with fears... you name it, we humans experience it ! So being what God has created you to be is not pathetic.

 

Anyway, do you, or anybody else out there, have any thoughts on this? Do you think N/C will work in this situation?

I want us to be back to the way we were.. I couldn't care less about when I get married anymore.. I just like it the way it is.. was I mean.

Listen, N/C is a relative notion. This goes to all the people reading this reply (and it's my humble opinion).

For some people it means no contact until the other person contacts you, for others it just means reduced contact. It really depends on how you acted since you broke up with your ex and how they were reacting to your attempts of contacting them.

 

I'll explain:

a) If you continuously tried to contact your ex every day, many times per day for weeks and they ended up blocking you and completely ignoring you then N/C means NO CONTACT AT ALL UNTIL THEY GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU (IF THEY DO). They just don't want you in their life for the time being.

b) If you have been contacting your ex once or twice per month since the break and they are answering you and they seem happy to talk to you (even if they didn't talk about feelings). then N/C means reduced contact (like once every 10 days or so). They might still have feelings for you but are certainly still confused and they still need time.

c) if your ex was the one who initiatied contact (and you still want them back) then N/C means calling them once for every 2 or 3 times they call you (just to let them know the door is still open). It means they surely still have feelings for you and they might be regretting their decision.

 

Clearly your case falls under none of the above possibilities. There hasn't been any contact since the break. I'd say you should wait for one full month before calling him.

If he hasn't called you by then, then do call him (since you were the one who told him "go take some time" and he wasn't the one who asked for a break). It would be ok to call him in this particular case and I think he will answer you.

Just be cool and calm when he does. Don't jump back in all of a sudden. Take things slowly, one step at a time.

And by the way, while you wait, use this time to think if you are really willing to be with him knowing he might not be able to get married and your clock is ticking. Make sure you come up with a final decision before you call him.

 

shellen,

I know his evenings are reserved for time with his gf. As expected he replied like three hrs later saying he cannot make it and dats it. I am not bothered by his answer because I expected it and i genuinely am not in the mood to see him. But what i am regretful is that I may have given him the impression that ive given in on my decision to not contact him anymore and he can diss me around again.

Since he is determined not to leave his gf even tho he is still not sure if she is the one, I wanna move on.

I want him to realize that he was losing me for gd and I wun be waiting around for him anymore. So if he really needs me to 'complete' his life he has to do it now and not come back for me only if things dun work out for them.

You sound confused even after being apart from your ex for about 1 year and knowing he's been dating another girl for a long time now while keeping her in the dark from you. Shellen, you have to decide if you want to keep on working to get him back (even though it's not garantueed) or if you wish to move on no matter what.

Your confusion is causing you pain ! I'd say you should know what you want first. It's been 1 year ! If your ex was still single then I'd say he deserves your time and love... but he isn't. He has been seeing the same person (for 1 year) eversince he broke up with you.

Think about it all and let me know.

[shellen]

dreamguy:

 

I only realized how much I loved him after I found out he was seeing someone else, which was six months after we broke up. I guess it suddenly hit me that I was going to lose him for gd. We only had one problem in our relationship, that is religion. He was my first serious relationship and I just did not know if I loved him enough to convert to his religion and possibly have my whole family turned against me. When I realized he was seeing someone, i realized I could be losing him for gd and i reconsidered the whole conversion issue and decided I was willing to do it. I guess before that I was subconsciously wanting us to get back together but I was just in self-denial. I was really inexperieced and basically did all the things that a person who is trying to win a ex back should not have done. And he basically did not make things easy for me by being uncertain of what he wants. He tells me no he wun leave the ger, but would do things like demand to know who I go out with, guy or girl or he would tell me things like, now I am not sure if I made the right choice. So i remained hopeful for a long time, but of course with time my hope fades away. Many times i tried to walk away, but whenever he shows a little more concern, I get suck back in. I still love him a lot and want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I also know he is not going to do it unless for some reason things dun work out for them. He wants to be friends still, but it hurts me so much to remain friends with him. So I've decided to put and end to it. Of course I still love him very much, but there is nothing else I can do. I hope this clears the confusion.

 

That thing I did to test his response is stupid. I guess I jus wanted to see how important it was for him to meet me. Because as I said, he is contacting me behind his gf's back and he definitely feels bad abt it, so he was never too keen to meet me and suddenly out of the blue He ask me out, especially after when I told him I do not want to be friends anymore, I was unsure abt his motive to see me. But I guess he jus wanted to meet up. Strange that he thinks i wld be in a mood for meeting up after when I said i wun contact him anymore.

 

I am just so tired of trying to figure out what he is thinking. I mean he tells me Im his soulmate and he needs me to complete his life, but he still wants to try things out with the new ger. It just does not make sense to me but Im not going to figure this out. Perhaps he is just a sweet-talker. When we were together, he could see himself marrying me, except religion was an obstacle. I know one thing for sure he said if it takes him years to figure out if the ger is the one for him, he is gonna do it. And if he realizes she is not the one for him, he will come looking for me. So there, Im pretty much his backup plan. He just wants things to work themselves out. So I guess there is really nothing much I can do except to move on...

[shellen]

I was actually feeling pretty strong and at ease when I decided to stop contact with my ex of one yr one week ago. Tho I felt like i missed him, but I did not have the urge to contact him, even when he tried contacting me. And I must admit it feels gd to be in control and to see him trying to get me to respond to him. In the past, after he tries contacting me a few times I usually give in, but this time I was really quite determined, even after he asked to meet me, which was very very rare. As mentioned in my previous posts, I eventually did respond to him not because I wanted to see him, but I just wanted to see if he wld meet me at a different time, which he wld be probably spending time with his gf. I mean come on, it sucks that in the rare times he does meet me, it has to be early in the morning or late at night when he can pretend he is sleeping so that he does not have to account his whereabouts to his gf ?(haha this is my guess, but i think I make sense right?) And he took three hours to reply he cannot make it with no suggestion of another possible arrangement. Not that I care for it, but it is kind of bothering me that I have shown that I am weak. That at mention of a meeting, i immediately responded. I think he suggested a meeting up only because he knows I am not interested in being friends anymore and maybe he is trying to entice me into being friends still by meeting up, something which I often suggested to him. And the fact that he din suggest a further arrangement seems to me that now he felt confident that no matter what I will always be around, so no need to do his gf wrong by meeting up with me anymore? I dunno, Im reading too much into it rite? I know it is a trivial matter, but that feeling of control had helped me pushed on in my decision not to contact him anymore and now I feel I have lost it and I hate the feeling I have now.

 

I just wished I could feel I am in control again. I know this sounds silly and pathetic. sighzz..

[sid3]

I'd like to reconcile with my ex, I understand you still love someone even though they have been gone for some time. I was left six months ago. I can relate to your hope fading. And moving on is nothing I am anywhere near being able to give advice on. But I will say I think your ex is treating you like sh**. He is with someone else, doing things behind her back. Is that the type of person you really want to spend your life with? He's keeping you in limbo because you allow it. I'm just giving you my honest opinion, which others have done for me and it has helped me along.Even though I am progressing slowly, I am progressing.

I am with you 100% on this:basically did all the things that a person who is trying to win a ex back should not have done. We are not perfect, NO ONE IS. I wouldn't be here right now had I know anything about these things when it happened. We learn as we go. I am not in your exact position, but can see myself wanting to have my ex back in my life after a year. That could be what time and fate have in store, maybe not. But I would not allow her to ever have me as a back up just in case. If it takes him years to figure out if this other girls is the one. That is a load of crap. I don't know you but can still say you deserve better. Nobody should be in that position.

[sid3]

Shellen

 

I'd also would like to reconcile with my ex, I understand you still love someone even though they have been gone for some time. I my ex ran away six months ago. I can relate to your hope fading. And moving on is nothing I am anywhere near being able to give advice on. But I will say I think your ex is treating you like sh**. He is with someone else, doing things behind her back. Is that the type of person you really want to spend your life with? He's keeping you in limbo because you allow it. I'm just giving you my honest opinion, which others have done for me and it has helped me along.Even though I am progressing slowly, I am progressing.

I am with you 100% on this:basically did all the things that a person who is trying to win a ex back should not have done. We are not perfect, NO ONE IS. I wouldn't be here right now had I known anything about these things when it happened. We learn as we go. I am not in your exact position, but can see myself wanting to have my ex back in my life after a year if I am still single. That could be what time and fate have in store, maybe not. But I would not allow her to ever have me as a back up just in case. "If it takes him years to figure out if this other girls is the one." That is a load of crap. I don't know you but can still say you deserve better. Nobody should be in that position.

[dreamguy]

Shellen,

 

I've had the experience of being with someone from a different religion once and I can tell you this. It's NEVER EASY on both persons. There are just too many pressures from families, society, friends... It takes two exceptionally strong persons to make the relationship last and succeed ! It requires two persons who absolutely give no sh** about what others have to say as long as they're happy together !

I'll give you my thoughts on this. Doesn't necessarily have to be true (since I don't know you or him) but I know what it means to love someone from a different religion.

Obviously, your ex is not an exceptionally strong person (or he doesn't have the means to be totally independent to take whatever decision he wants). When he says you're his soulmate he could be honest about this but at the same time he possesses a very weak personality and he isn't able to overcome religious problems to be with you even when he feels you're the one. So he's running away, dating this other girl and trying to forget you.

Had this been going on for a few weeks then I would have told you to give it some more time. But this has been happening for the last year ! If he hasn't been able to prevail over the religious barriers yet... it's very unlikely he will do that any time soon. You said it, your clock is ticking and your life is passing. You might still feel comfortable about this now (you're still relatively young) but how would you feel when you wake up to reality one day and you're old, much older than now ?? It would be too late for you to get married (or biologically impossible to have kids). Sweety, one year is more than enough. Don't worry, you haven't lost any power to him, you have only gained respect and experience. You did what you needed to do to have a clear conscience ! Now is the time to move on. The time for you to board the train has come... so jump in before the train leaves and you find yourself stranded in the middle of nowhere ! It's your life. No one else will regret things for you and no one else will be happy for you !! Go do it !

[shellen]

Sid:

 

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Ya, many ppl have asked me even if he did get back with me, how wld I know he is not contacting other gers behind my back. Well, I know I sound like i'm defending him or blinded by love, or perhaps i really am, but he was not like that before. He did not believe in being friends after a relationship is over and was in fact unhappy when my ex-bf occasionally contacted me. When we were together for 7 months, his previous ex gf actually wanted to reconcile with him but when she persisted after he rejected her, he made sure he cut all contact from her. So, in a way I was grateful to him for not doing that to me despite me trying to win him back so many times. Yup, but you are right, I allowed him to keep me in limbo, but I was just hoping he wld change his mind one day. Because I just felt that the fact that he kept in touch with me meant that i was important to him, and I guess to a certain extent i translated that to him still having feelings for me and he was still so uncertain abt the new ger so i was just waiting for him to wake up! But now i noe im the one who needs to wake up.

 

dreamguy:

 

thank you very much for ur advice too. i think he is afraid too. that's why he rather take his chances with this new ger who is of his religion plus of course he definitely had already developed feelings for her by the time I asked for a reconciliation. whenever I think of this it hurts me so much because he met this new ger at his new workplace and to think I was very very happy for him when he got this new job because it was a great job with a big firm. I know if he did not meet this new ger, he would not have given me an ultimatum, to convert to his religion and give me more time to think about it. So sometimes I cannot help but blame myself. Why did I not agree to convert when he first asked me? This is the greatest regret I have and I admit it is my mistake. I just hate it that I cannot have a second chance. And Im very sad that everything has to end this way. We used to be gd friends. He was someone I totally clicked with and totally at ease with him, nobody has ever measured up to that. Now, I've lost everything. I just wished he was a stronger person and had faith in us, that we can make it through. I wished GOD could bless him with more courage. Ya, I guess after one year he still has not found the courage to be with me, he never will. Perhaps his decision could be right after all, perhaps the ger would turn out to right one for him and not me.

[beautiful]

Dreamguy.....

 

I must compliment you on your knowledge in regards to the no contact rule! I absolutely agree with you that it works just fine.

 

I firmly belive that if someone does not want to be with someone it is best to let go and move on with ones life. I wish everyone would "get that" and stop waisting time to be hurt and depressed after a break up...something I never will understand. How awful it must be to want to "chase" after someone that does not want to be with that person. How degrading wow!

 

 

Sincerely love yourself and be happy and most of all be sincerely "busy".

 

An ex is an ex for a REASON!

 

You keep strong and do the things you are doing.

 

Huggz

[prodigy_khaine]

I've never used a forum, so bear with me...

 

 

I was on the end of a breakup a bit over a week ago, and sure it hurts. Since then, I've spoken to her the day of the breakup (a Saturday) (the standard "don't do this" stuff), a few days after (Monday) and then again on the Wednesday, via SMS (curse technology) which i sorely regret, because lets just say I lost a lot of dignity by my words...

 

 

Since then, its been nil contact, but there are two problems...

 

1. She goes to the same university as me, and trust me, its a tiny university. I'm talking 400 students max.

 

2. She works with me...

 

No contact is gonna be a tough one, pretty much because I HAVE to see her. Fortunately she's not in the same year as me at uni, and this is my last semester of this course.

 

 

I've been told by other people who have been unfortunate to have to listen to me bemoan about my new single-dom (we were together for a bit under a year) that I should just treat her as a normal person at work and uni, not to give her too much attention, but again, don't neglect her all together. Don't initiate conversation, but don't kill it neither. Either that or they tell me to shut up and get over it...

 

 

I'm actually going on a placement out bush so I won't have to see her for 3 weeks, so that'll improve my chances of maintaining my "no-contact" (by the way, that advice is fantastic - keeps you motivated!)

 

 

But another primary concern is the mixed messages I'm getting

- "Its weird not talking to you"

- "I miss your hugs"

- "I feel guilty for not loving you back"

- "wonder if I made the wrong decision"

- "I feel so horrible saying that I don't love you"

 

 

Then she goes on to say there's no hope for getting back together. I mean, honestly, what am I supposed to believe? Anyone got ideas? Will no contact let her stew on her thoughts a bit?

[fishman3226]

If anyone could answer why tey give mixed messages then they would be a rich man or woman.

 

I still get conflicting and vague signals and it is narly six months on - it gets to the point where I am with someone else and still i get mixed signals and emotions.

 

If I could have $1 for every time I have felt the pangs of missing my ex and the confusion I feel with her not around then I would be a seriously rich man. I just wish sometimes I could hold her and tell her how much i love her without the fear of the hurt associated with it all. I wish she would see that what she is looking for is me - and then let us work toward the common goal.

 

I always believe that actions speak louder than words - and at the end of the day if you believe in yourself you will succeed - it may be with your ex or not - who can tell.

 

All you can do is look to a future for yourself and look to improving YOU! I myself started weight training, joined a band for the first time on 10 years and got into asatru religion - keep myself busy is the rule. I met someone else and i hoped to fill the void she left but to be honest that is wrong.

 

I may one day hold my ex in my arms again - she may regret her decisions one day too. One thing i know is her decision and rationale for the breakup is stupid and dumb.

[shellen]

beautiful:

 

Im sad that u feel this way. I personally do not feel that any of the people who have hoped or are still hoping to get back with their exes (me included) have done anything degrading. In fact, it takes a lot of courage and self-sacrifice to be able to do that. Pride is important but it is not everything and if the person is not even worth you casting ur pride aside for him or her, then maybe you do not really love that person a lot. But I dun blame you for thinking this way, I used to think that until I met him.

 

prodigy:

 

yea...i think u guys jus broke up, probably need some time for both of u to sort out ur thoughts. No contact for now seems to be the best thing to do, but always be prepared for the worst. good luck!

[guy_in_pain]

I need help......................this ex of mine went for a summer job to a different place and started seeing this guy whom she got attracted to.........we had been in a relationship for about 2 years and she was living in with me......................we had a fight i was not happy with the idea of her hanging out with guys there and then i didn't call her for 3 days 4th day i found out that she went out with this guy for an overnight camping stuff and later she told me that they were in the same bed cuddling and kissing but didn't do anything..................i was furious and helpless at the same time....she told me that she wants to break up and i was like ok......then she came down to my place a week later driving for about 10 hrs, we ended up making love....i told her how she cheated on me and how i am hurt ....she was like i don't want to pity date you and i will not see this guy again and i don't feel the same way i used to feel for you....i was like how could all the feelings go away in just a week and she was like thats how it is right now...............then we decided that we will not remain in touch for a month till she comes back and then we will decide what to do.............but in a day that she goes back she starts calling me and she now regularly keeps calling me...but she wont ever say anything about us she will just talk while she is free and not doing anything and probably needs someone to talk too.....but whenever she has other people to talk to she won't even call...............i am ******* stupid that i answered the calls.....she is now hanging out with different group of guys and practically partying around a lot but i am ****** up in the process.....i just can't work.....my work is suffering and i keep imagining **** that what she might be doing now.............and i am lost as to what should i do...no matter how hard i try i just can't be a guy anymore....................................help..............................

[beautiful]

shellen

 

I am not talking about "pride". I am talking about behaving in a healthy minded way. When someone does not want to be with someone that should be it! Why torture oneself so much with all this pain and drama?

 

My point is that when someone loves you, truly loves you there simply is no drama like this.

 

All I see is manipulations, games, self conflicted pain and so much drama.

 

All this self conflicted pain is simply a waste of time and precious life that can be spend being happy. Maybe that sounds cold to you, however I am being realistic about this.

 

When I read stuff like " Oh I am going to die! My life is going to end! it truly makes me wonder/ I can't live without her/him. All I am saying is to stop giving anyone such "power over".

 

When someone truly loves and respects themselves, they won't be in such drama. Why? because they treat themselves always good and they know that when someone does not want to be with them, they let go in a healthy way.

 

I feel that yes it is sad when someone breaks up however it is not the end of the world. Life goes on. I do respect that people chose to be in pain over it and yes there is some grieving time to get over it and it doesen't mean to want to convince , manipulate the dumpee to come back

 

I believe in second chances, they do happen. However if there were problems before and they weren't resolved it will never work out. Once the break has been made it is the exception and not the rule that people actually get back together in a healthier way.

 

I think that couples who broke up can be together again only if they worked out their problems and sometimes even go to counseling. Most of all. work on their own issues before anything.

 

If one loves someone more then they love themselves.............that in itself is a huge problem right from the start!

 

I come to this board to maybe help others. Telling someone that I am sorry and feed their current pain is not helping them. Giving false hope being agreeable, is not helping them either.

 

Honesty and being realistic is what can help . Go to a bookstore and read some of the self improvement material out there, it tells you the same things I am saying.

 

2 people that are in a healthy relationship are 2 people that remain individuals. They are respectful and loving......that is the kind of relationship I have and I know I am blessed.

 

If my relationship should end some day I will still be happy and full of self love and I will live my life to the fullest just as God intended it for me and for everyone on earth.

 

I am just very healthy minded about life and everything that comes with it. That does not mean I am better then you or anyone else it just means that I have a lot of self love and respect to know that I can give myself all the love in the world and I know that no one else can do that for me. Not even the man I am with.

 

Frankly if more people would feel better about themselves, this board would not excist. So we all different and we all do things different and that is very ok.

 

I think that a dumpee deserves enough respect to move on. My point is that all the crieing, talking, convincing, manipulations in the world will never ever work to get the dumpee back.

 

What will work is to work on oneselve and make healthy changes within.

I think love is the most beautiful thing on earth.............only if it is given honestly and freely.

 

I appreciate your opinion just as I can appreciate everyone elses and certainly respect it.

(Huggz)

[danny8630]

damn people..

she told me all of those things :

 

"i need space"

"it's not you, its me"

"we need to go on a break"

 

and f*ck does it hurt to know that it WAS someone else....god damnit. I hate girls. I have stopped calling her, but she calls me sometimes. She is really hard to play the no contact game with;shes got a strong mind and is always like "lol whatever" when i say something in my defense.

 

my situation is a little different, she shows no sign of disappointment when i talk to her.

[mrbubbles]

in the end, if u do come close to getting back together or feel it, do u make the move to ask the question of shall we try again or do u wait for ur ex to ask something first? its a tough one. because i dont want it to be too late when i ask and i also dont want to seem pushy. we are now at the friendly contact stage and it seems to be dragging on to the 3rd week since we broke up.

[shellen]

beautiful:

 

ooops sorry i misinterpreted. yups u r right mind games and manipulating wun get u anywhere. but sometimes it is the other party that is acting hot and cold and giving mixed signals, and being blinded by love, you tend to want to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they are truly confused or something lol. but i think everyone will eventually reach a point where they get so tired of the ex's mind games or if they are truly unsure, their indecisiveness that they will just give up and move on. i guess such things come with experience and through the grieving and hurting process, you learn a great deal abt urself emotionally and mentally. but i think there is definitely no such thing as "I cannot live without him/her" because we had been "living" fine so to speak, before we met whoever that broke our hearts. but one regret is that such emotional scars sometimes make people more guarded and cautious in future relationships, wonder if it is a good or bad thing.

[dreamguy]

mrbubbles,

in the end, if u do come close to getting back together or feel it, do u make the move to ask the question of shall we try again or do u wait for ur ex to ask something first? its a tough one. because i dont want it to be too late when i ask and i also dont want to seem pushy. we are now at the friendly contact stage and it seems to be dragging on to the 3rd week since we broke up.

 

Let me give you an update on my situation since I'm having similar thoughts.

My ex and I haven't seen each other for the last 5 weeks. She called yesterday (of course after having spotted me on the beach last wednesday).

So we were talking and I said something out of the blue

I said "start your car and meet me at place X"

She said "I can't, you know I'm seeing someone now and if they ever saw us together then there would be problems."

So I said "Come on, you're taking things way too seriously. We're simply friends now."

She replied "You know I still like you a lot and I cannot see you as a simple friend ! So for now I can only talk to you on the phone".

Then I said "don't you think phone friends is a ridiculous notion ? It's not like we're living each in a country"

She said "Well, I'll say hello if I see you on the beach again but I can't be seen alone with you."

So I said "You know what, forget it. I have to get going anyway".

Then she said "On which days do you normally go to the beach ?"

I gave her the days when I'm usually there and I ended the conversation.

 

If I had to analyze this conversation I would say this girl is pretty f***** up ! Because her heart obviously longs for me and she is desperate to be with me while her actions denote a lot of fear and insecurity.

Why does she want to know during which days I'm at the beach if all she will do is say "hi" when she sees me there ?

 

I find myself forced to take a decision.

Either I continue answering her calls and talking to her when I see her at the beach OR I block her everywhere and ignore her when I bump into her at the beach.

What's your feeback ? I'm curious to know what other readers have to say about the way she contradicts herself everytime she talks.

[fishman3226]

What is it with people when it comes down to affairs of the heart? mean hell, if she wants you, all she has to do is go "I want to see you."

 

Correct me if I am naive or what, but in a relationship you are friends as well as lovers. If you break up, then the friendship ends. If they contact you, they obviously respect enough of you that they want you around them at the very least.

 

The fact they crave your attention such is odd if they dont want you back - no one I believe wants a friendship after a breakup is nigh on impossible unless you both want it to happen (the breakup.)

 

Mate, I would say to her 'grow up and show me some respect.' Simple as that. Are you a toy to be played with? Hell no.

 

You should basically give her a talking down to then leave her be, ending it with "show me some respect then call me when you can."

 

And then hang up.

[dreamguy]

fishman,

Sometimes when you know something you still need someone to remind you of it. You still need someone else to step up and tell you what you need to tell yourself (but somehow you don't). You just did that so thanks for that reply. Thanks for the slap, I deserved it.

The fact is, I know my ex very well. She has a rather weak personality. So if I use a rude tone with her it will scare the hell out of her and she might run away forever because she is very sensitive now.

The only thing keeping her from going with that other guy that she doesn't love (other than her feelings for me) is the fact that I'm cool. No arguments, no shouting, no ultimatums.

I know why she is avoiding me. Why she tries not to be with me face to face. It's because she knows she will give in to her desires and she won't be able to control herself. So she's keeping her distance. She said it herself "I like you a lot and I cannot see you as a simple friend".

I'll tell you what I'll do, something along the lines you wrote in your post. I will start ignoring her whenever I see her on the beach. If she says "hi" then "hello" is the only thing I will say back. No conversation, no nothing !

If she calls, I won't answer. Until she becomes so desperate that she starts calling many times in a row !

I'm sorry it has to get down to this but this girl is obviously not going to cave in until she comes back crawling or she doesn't come back at all (in which case it would mean she is so weak that I wouldn't want her to be a part of my life anyway !)

[Mr messed up]

I would say she has already given you your next belt of ammo by asking when you are going to be at the beach! What drives a junkie nuts ? Dont give her the fix dude and stay well away from anywhere she can clap eyes on you, I think even seeing the ex reduces desperation levels quite alot so make sure she doesn't!!!!!!!!!