No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[dreamguy]

Lonestar,

 

I don't know what I'll do if my ex calls in a few weeks and really wants to work things out.

I guess I'll make her work for it and prove she is worthy of me. I will not easily go back to someone who has misused my trust.

[Lonestar]

It was manic...my ex was manic...when things were good, they were INCREDIBLE...and while that was most of the time, when he got scared or pulled away it was so complete, so hurtful. I don't believe I will ever love like that again, but now I'm not sure that I ever want to. I don't know if that's good or bad, I just know that I like the serenity of my life THESE days!

 

Wow nikki, those few sentences gave me the chills, especially the pulling away so completely part. That is exactly what my X was like, and damn did it hurt. Good for you sweetie, that you found someone you really like. Keep having fun, because you deserve to be treated well. I hope I can find someone like that very soon.

[miggsbucks]

nikki

 

after reading what you said about your ex contacting you too much, then i think that you have played the situation out perfectly. and getting into dating this new guy is exactly the right thing to do. no doubt it has helped take your mind off your ex?

 

and it is good to hear you saying very positive things about this new guy in your life. maybe the heart won't rumble as much for him as your ex. but he is providing you with some much needed stability, and i can totally understand where you are coming from when you say you can do without the rollercoaster ride your ex took you on.

 

stability is really what we are looking for anyway in a long-term relationship after all isn't it? your situation has massively improved because of no-contact. it somehow reminds me of that expression "no news is good news"

 

and i agree with you in your situation in that you havent handed your ex an ultimatum at all really. you handled it in a way that you could get yourself off that rollercoaster. he wasn't being fair on you at all by contacting you so regularly. i think he will understand this when he has this opportunity to reflect in this period of no contact.

[Kate]

well i have played around with the no contact thing to suit me specifically, but it is important to let periods of time pass where neither party is in contact.

 

my ex and i have recently started talking again after about 2 months of very infrequent talk, and me beating myself up and thinking stupid sh.it. i even told him it was over for good and that was it. of course i regretted it because all he needed was space, so i decided to give it to him.

 

when we resumed casual contact, which was only one week ago, i didn't initiate contact ONCE. i turned my phone off often which gave me a chance to breathe and not stress over whether or not he was calling me. he has called me twice now that i have seen, each time i have happily answered and shown my cheefulness. he sent me an out of the blue text, and each time he has contacted me i have just simply responded. my plan is to just respond, but not initiate for a while. today, just when i really wanted to talk to him, he called me and asked me to make plans for the weekend, to go on his boat, to do something tomorrow night. he has changed by almost 180 degrees in his approach in general, and it is sincere. it just took some time apart to realize how to approach and connect one another so that things would be balanced.

 

i'm going to continue hearing from him first, letting him make the first move. no more pining and initiating, maybe down the road i will be more bold again.

 

space and time apart in the right situation is fantastic. i no longer feel alone, ashamed or insecure about my needing him or my actions. i am convinced that once i just LEFT HIM ALONE that things started to work again -- but i am working a lot on myself, not letting things bother me and fester as much as i used to. it's a work in progress, though.

 

if someone breaks up with you for no reason or if they want to date other people, then i suggest taking the high road. but for those of you who have ex's who simply need space and have too much conflict in their own lives, i highly recommend NOT taking it personally, because I did, and all it did was destroy me. instead of putting funny thoughts in my head and trying to act AGAINST my natural instinct -- such as "NO CONTACT", etc., i should have been admiring his need for personal time to make things right for both of us.

 

look at your situation carefully and see what the ex's intentions REALLY are. and don't take too much advice from anyone who knows little about your specific character or situation.

 

and don't initiate contact, only once as a "lasting impression that is great" before they eventually take the initiative.

[nikkicam71]

Miggs,

 

thanks for the vote of confidence...I can use all of the encouragement I can get!

 

Lonestar,

 

we ALL deserve to be treated that way. Believe me, if you open yourself up to the possibility that what has happened to you has happened to move you forward in a positive direction...if you open yourself up to the possibilities that lie ahead of you, instead of the past that binds you, you will find it. Honestly....as difficult as it may be to go with it, you have to force yourself to move forward. I am SO happy that I have started on a new path! It is nice to breath some fresh air...

 

sweet dreams, friends...and you are, you know...my friends!

 

thanks for being there.

 

~Nikki

[junegloom]

Kate, I've been following your story and it's great to see that things are steadying themselves out, especially after you've worked so hard on yourself and your own attitude. It will only get better from here on out! Your attitude change is like a phoenix rising from the ashes - it's totally inspirational.

 

It's great to see your ex coming 'round, and that you're taking it in stride - not jumping in and knowing there's still a way to go before getting back into a relationship with him.

 

I also like what you said here, about lasting impressions. The last time I saw my ex, we had just broken up a few days prior. It was strange, just before we broke up, he invited me out with some friends for the following weekend - to which I accepted thinking everything was going to be okay. Then, we broke up. So when I went out with him that following weekend, he was really cold for some reason which shocked me, and shook my foundation.. I cried and begged and pleaded - the works. Awful. But I've since regained control, I'm sending someone to get my things from his place - and he's been emailing quite liberally, but only about logistics of getting my things to me (I mustn't read too much into these emails, I know..). Now, I'm going to see him next weekend at a wedding, and it will be difficult if I allow it to be. If I don't, it will be a blast.

 

Kate, when you said:

<quote>

Look at your situation carefully and see what the ex's intentions REALLY are. and don't take too much advice from anyone who knows little about your specific character or situation.

</quote>

 

How do I know what his intentions really are? How do you know what your ex's intentions really are? Do you know what they are with certainty?

 

All I know is that my ex wants us to be friends. He broke up with me because we were fighting too much about taking the next step - marriage - and he was feeling too much pressure, not just from me, but from his friends and family because everybody saw us as happy and in love and dating for long enough for it to happen.

 

Thanks,

junegloom

[Kate]

first, you have to ASK what their intentions are. if they say they want to be friends, that's a good start. just 6 weeks ago my ex looked at me with a sigh of relief over being "alone" and said that he knew we would be friends so matter what...that was the last thing i wanted to hear. but, i RODE IT OUT. i smiled and said that i hoped he didn't break up with me to date other people -- he made it CLEAR that was NOT the reason. very clear, in fact, because i asked a looooot of questions about his specific intentions and reasoning for the breakup.

 

the trick here is to almost agree within yourself and agree to them that the break is the BEST THING. even if you don't want it, it may be. this was the last thing i wanted, but the thing that kept me going was looking at it objectively -- i knew we didn't break up because he found someone else, or that he wasn't interetsed. we were fighting because i wanted/thought i needed more from the relationship. things were just perfect, it seemed, however not perfect enough because i didn't feel strong in the relationship -- however i have learned that half of that is my fault and i won't repeat it.

 

please buy "make up, don' break up" and read it cover to cover. this book is helping me soooo much. it got me through the end of a difficult period and is propelling me forward, now.

 

if i were you, i would do what i did just 2 weeks after the breakup -- (well i first sent him an email saying not to contact me unless he wanted a full relationship, but that was a mistake and i texted him 10 day later for coffee) -- invite him for coffee just to CHAT -- not about the relationship too much, as you have to let him see you the way he first did when you met -- a cool girl, friend, etc. if he is physically attracted to you in the first place, don't worry! the romance will be there LATER if it has to be. practice being his FRIEND, even if it hurts you. i did this and it was SO hard -- but after the 2nd time i saw my ex in person, it was totally working. but it was KILLING me inside. my ex helped me move 3 weeks after we broke up, and i was on my BEST behavior. i brought back all memories of friendship, and this attracted him to me heavily. we ended up having sex that night, but i didn't push ANY further with questions, etc. then he saw me out on the 4th of july...and asked me to call him!! since then, i have seen him once a week. but i DID flip out a few weeks ago and tell him it was over for good ( i was too impatient, too stressed...we went another 10 days and i called him again and asked him to come over to chat. i kept it light, but told him flat out i missed him and hoped to work on things.) again, i focused on him as a freind, not someone i need.

 

i think if you go through this process a few times over a few months, you should see results. you don't have to be too paitent if you don't want to, and if that's the case, just don' call him for a while. enough time SHOULD go by where he forgets all the bad...and that will take about 6-8 weeks, JUST like the books say!! hoenstly, he is still probably in his "relief" stage like my ex was.

 

good luck at the wedding, forget about your relationship. if you date him again, you will have to have a completely NEW relationship ANYWAY!!! have fun, smile and be totally immune to his actions, who he is with, etc. trust me, if you are polite, friendly, happy and seemingly indifferent, this will get him back. men don't want drama, period, and run from it at all costs. seeing him there will be a GREAT thing - -because this is your chance to shine!! the more and more times he sees you out of context -- not crying or begging -- that image will stick in his mind and he will change. trust me. i did it! and thought it was impossible.

 

but in order to know his true intentions, you have to do this and be patient. owise you will run in circles like i have been doing...and want to stop doing.

[junegloom]

Thank you, Kate. I will try to be his friend. I'll also have a look at that book.

 

It's been six weeks since the question of our break-up has been in the air. And it's been almost 3 weeks since it's been official. It's been 2 weeks since the crying and begging scene.

 

Contact has been barely there. From his emails, he seems to have "forgiven" me for the crying and begging.

 

Ok, here it goes.. I'll let you know what happens. And please keep us posted!!!

 

Thank you for sharing your story, too. It's been so helpful for me.

[crazydawg]

Well today i had to goto my ex's house keep in mind i've spoken to her 2 times in the past month since the break up and once was her contacting me. Well i went today ( SHE WASN"T THERE I WENT ON PURPOSE WHEN SHE WAS AT WORK)because i had to give her mom some money i owed her a long time ago. Well i went there and her mom greeted me hugged me and said if i was doing good i said i was doing great. her mom told me she heard i got a new job, i said yeah i'm making money (my ex must have told her) anyway she said great u deserve it. Then i said somehting really ****ed up but it felt soo good inside. She said you should call and check up on us. I replied " I don't think thats a good idea, Thanks though" i swear i don't know why that came out but it did. It felt really good. Because when my ex dumped me i was at my lowest, just lost a job and was about to loose my car. Then after a week god smiled at me and gave me more than i ever had. So i know they were impressed with me. I just felt like they don't deserve for me to contact them, why should i. out of the 2 times i violated the no contact rule once i went to see her and i saw her mom giggling and talking to my ex's boyfriend (who happens to be the guy i took her away from) i quickly turned around . (btw he does drugs and is a loser but has money) When i saw that i was hurt. I was hurt because not even one week someone else is kissing their ass and they're kissing his ass. Well today when i said what i said it felt good. It almost made up for that time i saw them i'm glad i did what i did. What do you guys think was that a bad idea?

[Scorpion1691]

The question is what do you truly think, Do you have closure now. Are you over this girl. The mother may go back and say what you said, if so then you will get the reaction you wanted. I do think you said the right thing.

[jw32802]

well its been one month today w/ no contact and i woke up today to 2 emails from him and im so afraid to open them! someone help! I am just getting over the pain and i just dont want to read them if it has to do w/ his new girl or anything , i just couldnt take it. ahhhhhhhhh

[jw32802]

Ok I read it. He sent two

 

One says "I hope you are well"

 

The other says "I dated again because I thought you were gone. I heard you have a new boyfriend."

 

I had broken up with him because he had been acting distant and I couldn't put up with it anymore. So i had broken up with him 3 mths ago but it was like we were still going out because he still called me and everything. I finally couldnt do it and i said "if you dont change then i cant do this anymore" but he still called me and told me he loved me but was dating some new girl too.

 

that killed me that he couldnt just be better to me, instead he got a new girl. so i changed my number and havent called at ALL and its been 1 month TODAY and i got these emails.

 

Do i respond ? maybe wait a few days and then just say that im well etc. someone tell me what to say. Yes i am dating again, i actually have a date tonight.

[Lonestar]

Seems to me like you have moved on already. If you know that having him back in your life will only do you more harm, then don't respond to the emails. Besides, he has a girlfriend, doesn't he? Forget about him and go on your date, but if you must reply to his emails out of curiousity, wait a few days.

[lost_in_chgo]

So you were dating too?

that's ok, but him doing it isn't?

 

If you want to call, call.

This is a second chance.

It's up to you.

[slinkster]

Ok, I find this discussion of no contact to be very interesting because I am also in the same boat as you guys, but with a few twists. I met my girl at work. We work together and hit it off right from the start. I could tell that we were perfect for each other because we would spend hours a day together at work and in my work there are many long periods of down time so we got to know each other very well. Trouble was that she had a guy, 16 years older than her, living with her. They had been together for over 6 years at the time the we met. Well, months flew by with us ignoring each other's attraction because I was respectful of her situation, but all the while we were getting closer and closer emotionally. Finally she couldn't handle the pressures of what she had grown to feel for me and live with him all the while. She told him he had to move because it was just not going to work out between them. He lolligagged around and came up with excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't move out and finally, after 3 months had passed since she asked him to move out, he did. Well, we started dating (we never so much as even kissed while he was still living there because she would not allow it) and things seemed to be going nicely. Well, a few months later she calls me up one night crying because she had just talked to her ex and found out he was dating someone else too. This seemed to destroy her. Not being as understanding as I should have been, I took it kind of personally that she was being affected by this news. It started a snowball effect where I placed myself in a hole with her that I was constantly trying to get out of. I was sometimes mean to her because I was hurt that I wasn't her everything and I didn't hide any contempt for her ex.

 

I have said a lot of hurtful things to her that she has forgiven me for, but she has told me that she wants to try to work things back out with her ex. Keep in mind that I work with her on a daily basis too. She came to this decision over two months ago and I have been there at work everyday trying to win her back over. Even though she had told me she was going to try to work things out with him, we would spend all of our free time together at work because I believed I could win her back. Well, as it is predictable, the more I pushed to get her, the more she pulled back. After months of trying to find excuses to stay near her I finally decided that this is NOT going to do anything but continue to push her away. I put in for and was granted a transfer so that I could have the opportunity to give this no contact method a try. I love her very much and would very much like to give this every opportunity to succeed. I know that I have done some significant damage to our relationship, but after spending 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week together for all of this time. On top of the memories from when we were dating, the good times far outweigh the bad and I am hoping that she will miss me severely in a few weeks and start to reconsider her decision. By the way, after two months, her and her ex are still only talking about giving it another try (in other words the ex is waiting to see how it goes with whomever he is dating now). Does anyone think no contact can work for me?

[kodiak]

Well buddy i am no expert but i will give you my best advice that i have. Im going through the no-contact thing as well and i know it sucks. I wrote in a previous post that no-conatct is a win win situation. There are only two things that can happen with this if you allow your head to be clear and think about it. One you will move on and find another person to love again. I know this sucks and you hate to hear it but the truth is it will happen. The other option is that she will miss you by not hearing from you or seeing at work and begin to remember all the goodtimes that you too have shared in the past. Then she will have to decide who she wants to be with, You or her ex. The point is that by contacting her you are pushing her and she doesnt have to feel the loss of not having you around. Since you work with her she gets to see you and talk to you. she has the best of both worlds right now. You know? If you have ever seen the movi swingers, there is a seen in the very beggining where Mikey(the guy who wants his girl back) is talking to his best friend in a cofee shop. Mikey says "how do i get her back". his buddy replies with "you have to pretend you dont want her back"(he means by not calling her etc..). Then Mikey says "well i really want her back, and i want to try to get her back" His buddy then says "you see right now you can only do things to make her not wanna come back" (by calling her etc..) Its a very true statement. Ofcoures your ex is hurt with the news she heard because they spent 6 years together, thats normal even if she broke up with him.

 

the bottomline is buddy that by doing no-contact you are helping both of you out. If this relationship is truly meant to be it will happen. You hear about it everyday. Not talking to her is not going to prevent that from happening. I hope this helps you out my brother, good luck and keep me posted!!!!

[Scorpion1691]

This is a little late, You seem to have moved on, don't answer unless you want to take the chance of a rekindle. Answer back and he may become a good friend.

[miggsbucks]

Kodiak, i thought your post was brilliant! No contact will make things far more clearer to us all. The answers we seek come with no contact, even more so than when we carry on contacting them. Let your ex be, they will love you much more for that. There is something called selfless love, and that is the strongest love humankind will ever discover.

 

Selfless love is all about that good old expression "if you love someone, set them free". Once ex's come to realise that they are selflessly loved, they will feel an inescapable bond with that person who selflessly loves them, and it will remain with them forever. Setting them free means not contacting them, give them as much time as they need.

 

Selfless love is the greatest love there will ever be. I read once somewhere that the greatest loves are not always meant to end up in marriage, so be happy in the sense that you have given your heart wholly and truly to your ex by letting go.

[nikkicam71]

Well, I called my ex! It was 31 days, NC...I was in a different place emotionally, psychologically, just felt it was time. He thought I never wanted to talk to him again...he was incredibly pleased to hear from me; apparently he has been fighting a very recent bout of depression (past two weeks). Anyway, I posted in response to another situation somewhere else on this forum, so I'll paste the link here and you can find out how my situation/conversation turned out!!

 

Let's just say that I am very happy/comfortable with my decision!

 

~Nikki

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=275433#post275433

[kodiak]

Nikkicam-

 

Im glad to hear that you contacted your ex and that you felt good about it. Its so weird how that stuff happens. I have tried to follow your post but im sure i missed the main details. Did you break up with him or did he break up with you. Please read the thread i started "Ex called need some advice" and please give me some input from a females point of view. I have had great replies from everybody on this site. Right now im confused because after i stopped all contact, she called after about a week and left me a real nice message and made it a point to call her back. So i waited a few days then called her and left a message, then i got no call back. Its been a week and a half now. Do you think maybe it was a weak moment for her and thats why she called and now she knows that it would maybe be too hard to hear my voice. You see when we broke up, we were both very much inlove with each other but the LDR was not working. It was hard for her too. If you have any advice for me, let me know. Should i call her again or just wait to see if she calls again. I figured she must have wanted to talk to me on the phone or she could have just sent me a text message like i would do..LOL..(thats the easy way) Thanks

[nikkicam71]

kodiak,

 

he dumped me...hard and fast and completely out of the blue, after almost six months of what I believed was "the" relationship. He was my best friend, was a part of EVERY aspect of my life....called five times a day and we saw each other at least every other day, even if it was only for an hour or so. He told me it wasn't me, it wasn't us...he was under alot of pressure, couldn't deal with the stress. Didn't break up w/ me to date other people, it wasn't fair to me that he was doing this, but he didn't want to be in a relationship at this point in his life....just couldn't deal with it. Two weeks later, he kept calling, wanted to be best friends still. I was heartbroken, tried friendship, couldn't deal at that point in my life. And now, here we are....

 

I will go back and read your other post, and then I will try to give you my opinion on what's happening with you.

 

~Nikki

[kodiak]

Nikkicam71-

 

Its carzy reading your reply because my situation was almost the same as yours. My exes words were almost the same as your exes words. I was with her for 10 months and it was a LDR but we saw each other alot and went a few great vacations together. I thought she was the one as well. My ex and were talking quite a bit after it was over but it god too hard. So we kinda stopped, except i still texted her and then she made "the call" last week which has kinda put me back to square one. Who knows if she really didnt want to date other people and if what she told me about still loving me was true, i might never know. Its hard to beleive this but i have to try my best to beleive her. Im glad that you two are atleast talking in a calm way. I hope that whether you work things out, if thats what you want, works out. Keep me posted.

[miggsbucks]

kodiak,

 

no contact means not making yourself available to your ex as well as not initiating contact. dumpers test the waters to see your resolve by contacting you. its almost a validation exercise for them. they contact you to see if your ok. you reply back, say you are, then they fell like they've made the right decision to dump you as they havent caused lasting damage, and stick with it.

 

i know its really hard, i'm going through the same as you with the LDR thing, but stick with the no-contact in the whole sense of the word, not just with the initiating contact side. you can easily make up excuses for certain things, like "i never got your message, there was a problem with my phone provider etc"

[fishman3226]

I am pleased for you nikki!!

 

I suppose it comes down to the following - you have to be in a position of control to get back what you want - the person that you have (or had) has to 'put back in place' by you not crawling to them.

 

Sounds shallow and mean in a way - but it is human nature - the statement is "you want what you cannot have" - if you look like you dont care then they will be curious - and if you basically are 'out of reach' of there control they will potentially come crawling back. No guarantees though.

[nikkicam71]

thanx, fishman! and I agree with miggs on the nc deal....I went ENTIRELY without contact for 31 days....no email, no text, nothing. I asked him for my space...completely. It put me back on solid ground, and he knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point. It feels great!

 

~Nikki