No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[dreamguy]

Dumbgirl,

Don't call him ! He is the one who broke up with you and he told you he would call you when he is ready.

Respect his wishes and impose your self-respect on him by showing him you are stronger than he expected and although you want him in your life (would like him to be a part of it) you sure don't need him in it (you can still live even if he isn't part of it).

By the way, 1 month is not long enough as a no contact period. Give it some additional time and don't focus on him. Go out, laugh, treat yourself by buying things you have always wanted and understand that most people only come back when they feel you don't need them in your life anymore. I have repeated this line so many times and I think it's worth repeating again: "We all want what we CANNOT have". Make him feel he cannot have you and don't call him.

Come here and post when you need to vent.

[SMF]

Dreamguy- i must have read that at the best time. My fingers want to type an email and then want to dial a number.

 

My ex b/f and I broke up 3 weeks ago today. We have gone in and out of contact- more instigated by me as I was broken up with out of the blue. We had a very loyal, healthy, relationship- moving towards engagement. Then he flipped. Said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore, he needed time, his feelings are "there" anymore, etc.. He gave me every excuse, line, item in the book.

 

I really didn't contact him much in the first week. Thereafter I sent an email- asking when we could speak and he basically said that he is not ready to reconsider (albeit me never asking him to do that) and that at this point it was not helpful to speak. He asked me to respect his wishes and not contact him. So I did but I got angry that he wasn't respecting mine and I called and left a few messages none of which were returned and none of which were rude.

 

We spoke last Sunday- He said that he likes to think that when he makes decisions he makes good decisions... I haven't spoken to him since.

 

I just am uncomfortable letting it go for now. Any suggestions?

[Mr messed up]

Dreamguy I am in the exact same situation as you at the mo, I too decided enough was enough and just walked !!!!!!

Amazing what a difference it has made to my ex's behaviour towards me! at one point a few months ago she would ignore my txt messages I sent her sometimes for days. Now i have back the power and it is me who waits for the messages and decides if i want to reply or not and let me tell you it feels great!!!!! I now am at a point where i am slowly distancing myself from her day by day and it is driving her nuts!!! Like you say you only want what you cannot have and boy does it work ( N C I mean ) anyone out there who is at a low point and lost all the power they had in a relationship and being trampled on by their ex then just do the N C thing . I had become a complete wus practically begging for her to get back together with me and god she lapped it up, the more she ignored me the worse I got ( God what a Muppet I was !!!!!!!!) now I am on the up and she is going down! Well she has to learn what a mistake she made so I feel it is my duty now to show her n make her feel the pain she put me through ha ha ha

Keep up the good work Dreamguy Max respect from England going out to ya mate !!!!!!!!!!

[miggsbucks]

Dreamguy,

 

Youre decision not to take the call was the right one. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! Did she leave a message, I guess not as you would have informed us.

 

You should NOT call her back either, and if you're wondering about what to do if and when she calls again, then see if she leaves a message first, before doing anything.

 

You know this yourself dreamguy, you know you've made the right decision. We are hear just to simply endorse this. You will no doubt know, that if you make yourself available to her, then that is almost the same as contacting her yourself.

 

No doubt, the fact that she has called is making your resolve a bit weaker now. But just remember how you, when you started this thread "No contact does work - ex has called" were feeling in the days between then and just before she called you back again the other day. Do you want to undo all this great work you have made on yourself? Of course you don't.

 

It's a really good sign, but not one to start waving the flags for just yet. Try your best to keep the fact that she has called, great though it is - out of your mind. It will be difficult, but worth it. As you rightly say, she needs to be begging you back before the no contact rule has finally worked.

 

So your plan of action is:-

 

1. Do not return her call from the other day.

2. Do not answer any future calls she may make, let her leave a message.

3. If she doesn't leave a message, carry on this plan until she does.

 

You know yourself this is the best plan. I'm so rooting for you, I really hope that she will beg and plead you back in her life. Just remember also, that in your case, your ex got back with her ex.

 

Just remember that you have to keep on this path, because its quite clear she is STARTING TO miss you. Wait until its the full-blown REALLY MISSING YOU before you act.

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by SMF

Thereafter I sent an email- asking when we could speak and he basically said that he is not ready to reconsider (albeit me never asking him to do that) and that at this point it was not helpful to speak. He asked me to respect his wishes and not contact him.

 

Your email asking him if you can speak, is going to imply that you are asking him to reconsider anyway. He has asked you not to contact him. Unfortunately, rather than make the choice for no contact, as a dumpee, you are forced into this position. Its not such a bad thing. You must read again Dreamguy's advice.

 

There are some general no contact threads giving out advice on the no contact thing:-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=41853

 

this is one i wrote

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=44210

(its actually got a link in this one to the 41853 as well)

 

have a read of them

[Lonestar]

I have no idea what the others have told you to do, because I haven't read the replies yet, but I think you should call her back in a couple days. Kind of out of respect that she tried to contact you. I know you want her to chase you, but no one is going to chase after something if there's not a path of crumbs to follow. Drop the girls a few crumbs, but only if you want her to chase you around. If you don't call her back or completely ignore her calls, why in the world should she bother anymore? ya know? It's all lies in what you want her to do, but you have control now, so use it.

[SMF]

MiggsBucks- I loved reading your posts.

 

I am well aware that NC is the step to take but I don't want to play a game with myself where every day I don't call is another day that I HOPE he realizes and comes to his senses. Its hard, I feel stuck in this sense. However, perhaps if time passes my feelings for him will fade.

 

I wake up every morning missing him and thinking to myself - I hope he is making the right decision. I asked him several times when we broke up if he was confident in his decision and he said that when he makes decisions he likes to think he is making good decisions.

 

It is difficult when you get popped out of a good, healthy relationship. I don't look back and say- what a bad relationship and I know that he doesn't feel that way either. Its just that the 29 is having a little case of "I don't want to be in a serious relationship anymore". Its funny bc he used to tell me that no girl has ever made him laugh as hard I had, and he felt that I was the "best woman ever". He threw that away?

 

I don't get that. Any opinions would be helpful

[SMF]

Also- My ex and I were together for a year and we actually were talking about getting engaged/living together. We barely had any arguments, few tiffs, normal bicker. HE NEVER once was rude to me in our relationship... but when we broke up out of NO where came a rude person that treated me with no respect...

 

Broke up with me via phone while I was on a business trip, then immediately discouraged contact after the breakup. If we did connect, he said he wasn't ready to reconsider and speaking at this point was not helpful.

 

Why is he being so firm?

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by Lonestar

but no one is going to chase after something if there's not a path of crumbs to follow.

 

lonestar,

 

i have to disagree with you, dreamguy's ex may just be feeling guilty and wants to see how he is doing. he can't take the risk of calling her back and undoing everything he has achieved so far.

 

what i have quoted in your post flies in the face of the more established "you want what you can't have" motif. if anything, dreamguy not contacting her will make her chase even more, surely?

 

you're wooing dreamguy into being that nice guy to his ex again. but those tactics have plain not worked in the past for him, and its time to play a new one out.

 

i know there will be people who will think that its not all about playing a game, but it honestly is. its like a game of chess is post break-up. each party wonders whether to make the next move.

 

in dreamguy's case he told her to only contact him if she wanted him back, but if the call was for that very purpose, why did she not leave a message?

 

i'm NOT saying that i am right, these are just my opinions, maybe a woman's advice may be the better one to take i don't know.

[dreamguy]

Update:

 

I went down to the beach today and guess who I saw there ? Right, my ex (with 3 girl friends). She kept on looking at me all the time (I know because my friends were telling me as I wasn't looking at her). When I took a quick glance I could almost feel the weakness and fear on her face for the first time after we broke up. Why ? Because she knows I didn't pick up her call last night and I didn't call back. Power is shifting sides once again.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks everybody for replying (males and females, both opinions matter the same to me) so keep giving in your input when you have a comment to make.

I'm still holding on to my word: I won't contact her even if I saw her at the beach today. Dunno if she will ever call me again and I'm not sure what I would do when/if she does.

[nikkicam71]

Dreamguy,

 

I would have to kind of agree with lonestar on this one....as a woman who has been in the position of dumping someone. I think it's GREAT that you didn't answer, that you haven't called back yet. But I also know that if you want her back...and I'm not sure you do, but if you think you might, eventually you will have to communicate with her. She's not going to beg if you keep ignoring her.

 

Here's a little story for you....

 

My girlfriend moved to LA after graduation last year to pursue a career in movie production. BEFORE she moved, she fell in love with this guy. Really fell hard for him....she told me she believed she would marry this man. Anyway, so she moves to LA for her career...things start taking off for her. She's an asst. director on this movie, trying to make friends in a new place and carve out a life, training for a 10k marathon....alot going on, alot of changes, alot of stress. Her LDR is suffering...they talk everyday, see each other when she comes home for holidays, etc, but with everything that was going on in her life, she just couldn't deal with the relationship as well (sounds like a guy, right!). So Nella broke up with him. She really loved him, but she just couldn't focus on everything at one time, she felt overwhelmed.

 

They didn't talk for a month or two. Then she called him, just to say hi and see how he was doing. She still obviously had/has feelings for him. They both dated other people, worked on being friends, began talking more and more. After about a month, they decided that the feelings they had for each other were too important to just walk away from, so they slowly began working toward a reconciliation. They are now back together, and Nella is thinking about trying to move home (NY) in the next six months...she won't have quite as many career opportunities here as she would in LA, but she really loves this guy, and she wants to make it work.

 

Anyway, my point is, no matter how tough things might get, we are all just human. If she really treated you like sh*t during the breakup, cheated, whatever, and you don't want her back, good for you!! Don't talk to her, why would you even want to. BUT....if she was just confused, not sure what she wanted at that point in her life, etc, if you still have feelings for her and you think she may still have feelings for you, what purpose is it going to serve to alienate her completely? I'm sure it makes you feel like top dog...I know I felt INCREDIBLE when my ex started calling me two weeks after our breakup. BUT...I didn't initiate NC to punish him, or to change the power scale. I initiated NC so that I could heal...get past it, begin to move on with my life, b/c no matter how much I love my ex, he believes he made the right decision and he doesn't want to come back. My NC worked for me on that level. And thankfully, I've now healed to a point where I believe we can work on friendship. There was something valuable about him as a person or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him, right? Why would I want to just shove him completely out of my life? Quality people are difficult to find, and I WILL fall in love again....with someone else.

 

Just my opinion, Dreamguy. I think you should probably search your heart and your soul and figure out what it is you really want. Then act accordingly. I don't think NC was meant to be a game, I think it was meant to be what it is....time and space to get over your ex.

 

~Nikki

[miggsbucks]

SMF,

 

you have to start living your life trying to accept that he has gone for good. yes it is extremely hard to do, but in the long run, its the best way to go. yes we all have those urges to contact them, as we still believe them to be that person who we shared those wonderful times together. but they are not, they HAVE changed, like or not. they may possibly change and come back - but only if you show signs that you are starting to move on.

 

its damaging for yourself to dwell on what might have been. its not helping you to move on. yes you don't want to move on, but you have to. its the only way you can ease yourself from the pain that you feel now. and the sooner that you do it, the better it is, not only for you - but for the chance that your ex may come back.

 

i'm getting post-happy here cos its friday afternoon and the boss is away on holiday. it would be useful for some female advice to be given to SMF here ladies?

[SMF]

Nikki- from the getgo you always post such inspiring and warming responses to peoples situation. Its really great to read your posts.

 

I remember your situation... Its funny that you mention that you ex saids he felt like he was making the right decision. I was just faced with that last Sunday. We have been broken up for 3 weeks now and this past Sunday we spoke. I said are you sure you are making the right decision albeit wanting to spent the rest of your life with me and he said that when he makes decisions he likes to think that they are good decisions.

 

Now this might be the truth for the moment and or forever... but only he will know that in his mind and heart in time.

 

I miss him deeply. I look back on my relationship and I think what a healthy, balanced relationship headed in the right direction. For the life of me _ I don't know how he flipped. He did in fact become overwhelmed, panicked, needed time, overthinking, loss of emotion, etc... But I cannot force someone to be a certain way.

 

I cannot preach to him abot how solid we were, how I loved him, how we had such a bright future-- this is for him to recognize and him only.

 

Don't you think?

This NC is just so so hard.

[SMF]

Thank you Miggsbucks... You are enligthtening.

 

Its hard... it truly is. Seperation and the emptiness is tough. But I have a wonderful job in NYC, tons of friends, loyal and supportive family members and lots of hobbies and outlets.

 

I have had some difficult breakups in the past and this one should be a piece of cake but its just tough to move on from the one that you thouht WAS THE ONE. But if he was the one- he will return and if he doesn't I will move on with my life anyway.

 

I am a strong person and he knows that I am strong....

[MaiGrl]

I could really use some advice. Dreamguy, your posts has made me feel stronger today.

 

Here is my situation. My ex and I were together for 2 and ½ years. He is a couple years older than me and I am 21. Things started going bad after my b-day. He isn’t much of a drinker or dancer, so it was always impossible to get him to come with me to the bars/clubs which really put a stress on us. He is building his own house which itself is extremely time consuming and stressful on him. I am transferring schools from the local college to a University. I am going to be living there instead of commuting. It is only 35 mins away but just the fact of me going away to school is driving him crazy. He has said before that he thinks I will meet a guy there and he will sweep me off my feet.

 

All of these things and more just lead to fight after fight. I am a huge believer in the NC rule. We are both really stubborn but he always gives in, in a couple days he always calls. We decided in June that we needed a break from each other. He wanted me back a couple days later but I needed more time. About a month later in the middle of July after having an amazing talk we got back together. A couple days later I find out that he has been seeing and sleeping with another girl for a couple weeks. I thought the only way to get the truth would be to talk to the girl myself. She confirmed everything. She also didn’t believe me that I was back together with him and thought I was lying because I just wanted him back.

 

He found out the next day that I talked to her and started calling and calling me wanting to talk. I didn’t answer. A week and a half later I was at a club put with friends sitting at the bar and he came in. He came in to see “her” since she is a waitress there. I and the girl don’t know each other or what we looked like so I didn’t think it was a big deal if I went there with my friends. He came over to the bar to get a drink. I don’t know what took over me but I pulled him aside and said I had to talk to him. My mind was going crazy and I had to ask him the questions that had been going thru my head. He calmly and watery eyed answered everything I asked him. He told me the truth about everything. My emotions took over me and I broke down. My friends were trying to get me away from him but I couldn’t. I asked him to drive me home. I was a wreck the whole way but the hug he gave me at the end made me feel so much better and my mind finally felt at ease.

 

Two days after that he came to see me. He told me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. He said that he doesn’t want to talk to or see that girl ever again. He said that she was just a mistake and that she meant nothing to her. He wants me back and will do anything to prove and show how sorry he is. A tear even fell down his cheek when he was telling me this. (He has never shed a tear in front of me before) I said I couldn’t get back with him now. The next two weeks were amazing, he came and visited me, played songs that reminded him of me on my voicemail, held me on the beach at the fireworks, and the I love you’s didn’t stop even thought I couldn’t say them back.

 

We had been planning to go away with friends the last week in July for like a year and I finally agreed that I would still go with him. The trip was incredible. The flame and all of the feelings were there between us. We both were so happy. He even told me he wants me to move in to his house with him. The last night I screwed up. We were all drinking and I took that to the extreme. I don’t even remember anything at 11pm. The friends there didn’t know what he did to me but I guess I got all upset and told everyone what he did. I also in a drunken mess made and a** of myself. The 2 and ½ hour ride home the next morning was awful. We barely said two words and didn’t even look at each other. I am just so embarrassed and mad at myself and I know he is very upset with my behavior and actions. When we got back to my house he gave me a quick hug and said he would call me later. It is now 5 days later and I haven’t heard from him.

 

The idiot I called his voicemail last night at 2 am. I knew his phone would be off and I just wanted to hear his voice but I ended up checking his voicemail. There was a new message from “her” saying ‘Hey Hun, I’m sad I couldn’t see you tonight. Call me tomorrow.’

 

My body is numb. I love him more than anything in the world. I miss him more than I ever thought would be possible. I feel so dumb. Why do I still feel like this about him after what he is doing to me? I know he feels the same about me and that he really doesn’t care about this girl.

 

He has never gone this long without calling me. The NC is driving me insane. I keep picking up my phone to text message him that I miss him but I stop myself. I feel like I am the one who screwed up this time. I know everything I did and said that night hurt him deeply. I feel like I drove him away for good this time and that if I don’t do or say something that I will loose him forever. I don’t know how much more of this no contact that I can take. It is 5 days now and I am already going crazy. I’m a wreck

 

Sorry this post was so long. I needed to get this all out and I don't know what to do

 

Thanks

[freedom 43]

Hey out there! I feel for you guys who are experiencing "no contact" because I am in the middle of a "no contact" thing myself!!

 

If anyone could lend me their eyes and ears I sure do need some advice. I will try to be brief with my post.

 

December 200 I went out on a blind date with a guy. Hated him!! Two months later, Feb 2003, we went out again. We hit it off this time. We are both divorced (him 8 years and me 3 years) in our late forties and early fifties. He has two daughters - one with him an one with his ex in another state. I have three kids who are all with me. My oldest is 20 and youngest is 13.

 

Anyway, his daughter and I really hit it off and we are great friends and pals. Ex wife acts like she is glad we are friends and that I am there for the daughter to my face but is not happy behind my back. The oldest turned 16 on 7-1 and I gave her a ring for her birthday. Some of the girl's friends told me that the ex said I was alwyas trying to outdo her and it made her angry.

 

Anyway, bf is devout Catholic (does not have an annulment yet) and I am Baptist. I am crazy about this guy but he is very afraid of commitment because of past messy divorce. He lets the ex tell him what to do to an extent and really lets a cousin and his priest dictate his life. He got drunk and told a bunch of untruths (exaggerations) to the cousin, priest and ex. After hearing what he said (they do not know me well personally at all) they all three suggested that he get away from me.

 

We have been going out about 1 1/2 years (with 2 or 3 breaks where we both dated others). Three weeks ago, after talking with his ex's husband (step-father of his youngest child who was due to visit for three weeks the following day) he called me and told me that I was to never see either of the girls again or to contact them in any way. I think ex is behind this because she has told him before who he could date and who he couldn't. The youngest goes back to her mother's tomorrow after her three week visit. I have seen both girls, as the came to see me without him knowing it. The older one continues to e-mail me and call me and they both want me and their dad together. However, I have not heard from him at all. Yesterday was his birthday but I did not call him. We have not spoken at all.

 

The night he called me he did not sound like himself at all. It was as if he was repeating exactly what someone told him to say OR reading from a script. I wrote him a letter a week ago. The letter was not a begging him back thing or anything like that. It just said that I knew I had made some mistakes and was sorry for what I had done. I don't even know if he read it or not. Still, nothing!!

 

What do you think my chances are of hearing from him after the younger girl goes home? If it was not her mother, why else would he ban me from the girls and him? We have had soooo many good times together and the girls and I get along great.

 

Somebody out there - be straight with me. What do you think I should or should not do?

 

freedom 43

[MaiGrl]

Wow, after reading my own post I shake my head at myself. I always said I would never be one of those girls who sticks around with a guy that hurts them like this but here I am.

 

I gotta stop kicking myself for my mistakes and just learn from them. It's like I want him to want me back. I want him to chase me. Is this a normal feeling?

 

Then I think about this, if he was calling me all of the time I wouldn't be sweating him right now. So if I start contacting him, that would be like telling him 'yes baby, you can have me back whenever you want. Hurt me all you want because I will always be there.' He would really try hard to get me if he thought that right!

 

It is amazing, posting here is kinda like therapy lol.

 

I really wish that I could heal and feel all better. I am really looking forward to this sick feeling in my stomach stopping I have read replys here that NC helps heal. When did you start feeling better?

[winter23]

posting here is great for me....It has helped me too heal so much! I too said I would never be one of those girls who stayed with a guy who treated her like **** but I was.....but not anymore! I feel so much better now...........and I know that reading people's stories and advice has helped me so much.......its been 2.5 weeks and I feel a lot better.........i cried alot the first few days after i ended it but it was the right thing to do.

[dreamguy]

MaiGrl,

Two days after that he came to see me. He told me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. He said that he doesn’t want to talk to or see that girl ever again. He said that she was just a mistake and that she meant nothing to her. He wants me back and will do anything to prove and show how sorry he is. A tear even fell down his cheek when he was telling me this.

I would say he is honest about his feelings for you. I seriously doubt he can fake it like that. Just be careful that he can be weak because he has fears someone else would sweep you off your feet. Talking about what he did with that waitress, it doesn't mean he loves her if he slept with her. But still you should be careful and you should not jump back in.

I'm just telling you to repair your mistake. It doesn't mean you have to forget his.

 

The last night I screwed up. We were all drinking and I took that to the extreme. I don’t even remember anything at 11pm. The friends there didn’t know what he did to me but I guess I got all upset and told everyone what he did. I also in a drunken mess made and a** of myself.

Yes, what happened (what he did with the other girl) is something private that should remain between you two. The simple fact that you talked about it in front of all the other people must have made him feel awful !!

I'd say you stop worrying about him going so long without contacting you. Five days is really nothing ! So relax and think how you're going to justify what you did to him without looking pathetic or begging.

You could tell him something like "Listen, I'd like to start by admitting I disrespected you big time when I talked about what you did in front of all those people, but you have to realize I wasn't sober when I acted like that. It was not intentional at all. If you can find it in your heart to believe me and believe I didn't mean to hurt you or disrespect you then let me know. I just called to make that point clear because I am not someone who usually lacks of respect towards others."

Then hang up and wait for his reaction. If, while you're talking to him, he gets angry or accuses you of things then stay calm and end the conversation as quickly as possible. Remember, you are not calling him to make matters worse !

Good luck.

[MaiGrl]

Winter23- You don't even know how nice it is to hear that! I'm so happy for you that you feel so much better.

 

Crying always makes me feel better. It is a relief to let out all that emotion built up inside. I think I need to more because if I don't it seems to come out at the worst time.

 

dreamguy- You are amazing. Thank you so much! You hit it perfectly. I agree that I think he is honest about how he feels but you are right. He really is weak. I never thought of it that way but you are right. He let his fears take over and it made him weak and I'm sure he will be for a while.

 

I really do need to justify what I did to him. What you said that I should say something like is exactly how I feel. It is what I have been wanting to say, but just couldn't come up with the right words like you did.

 

Now I just need to come up with the courage to make the call. I can't finish dialing his number. I am shaking, I am so nervous. He won't get angry or accuse me of things, I am afraid of the opposite. What if he doesn't even care.. Or what if he is with her?! What if I make things worse?..

 

His called ID is broken on his phone so it isn't like he can ignore my call if he doesn't want to talk. I thought about texting because that way it would be private, he would know it was from me from the start, and he could go back and read it whenever he wanted...but does that make it less sincere? I'm such a coward when it comes to this. I think that is why he is always the one to make the first call when it comes to NC.

Thanks again

[Lonestar]

dreamguy not contacting her will make her chase even more, surely?

 

not neccesarily, especially since there is no contact between them now. If she gets absolutely NO response from her efforts, she's going to give up. Sometimes you have to dangle that carrot, then pull the damn thing away when she reaches for it. That'll make her chase.

 

i know there will be people who will think that its not all about playing a game, but it honestly is. its like a game of chess is post break-up. each party wonders whether to make the next move.

 

Oh, miggs, it's a game alright. Most eveything that happens in second chance love is a game. I'm not sure if it can ever be like that honeymoon phase in the beginning again, because both sides are watching their every step. No one is jumping in head first this time. That kinda sucks, because what's the point of getting back with someone if you can't fall in love with that level of passion all over again, kwim?

 

in dreamguy's case he told her to only contact him if she wanted him back, but if the call was for that very purpose, why did she not leave a message?

 

I didn't know he told her this, but it still doesn't change my view. Dreamguy, I think you should call her back just to see what she wanted. If it's anything other than wanting you back, cut the phone call short right there... pretend like you have another call and then never call her back.

[dreamguy]

miggsbucks,

I never told her only to contact me if she wanted me back. All I said, when I called 3 weeks ago, was "We cannot be friends since we still have feelings for each other so I'm moving on with my life".

 

Lonestar,

I did something halfway between what you and nikkicam suggested. I wanted to "dangle the carrot" as you said but I didn't want to call and give her the chance of ignoring my call in return. So I sent her a text message yesterday night (after having spotted but ignored her on the beach in the afternoon).

The message was the following: "I didn't answer you because I cannot lie and pretend I can be your friend. If it's just friendship you seek then I cannot give it to you. If it's something else then call again".

Now the ball is in her court. If she was just calling to test the waters then it didn't work. If, on the other hand, she contacted me to say something important then she can call again.

[MaiGrl]

Well, I spent tonight with my closest friends. They have known what has been going on this whole time. I talked about this board and the advise I received. They think that I don't owe him anything. Especially not an apology. They said that he knows I was really not sober and that it was not the real me that night. He should understand. My mistake was not even close to as severe as his was so I should keep the effort on my part at a minimum unless he starts putting some effort back in.

 

I kind of agree with them. To tell the truth, I really do not feel comfortable 'giving in' and calling him. Maybe I am just too stubborn or maybe I feel so hurt by him that I don't think he deserves it. I feel like if I do anything it will be like handing him back my heart and that it would tell him that I am his when he wants me. I don't want to make him feel like he his my priority while I am only his option. If he really wants to work this out like was saying before the mess last-weekend, he needs to make me his priority.

 

I have been sooo understanding about what he did. I sometimes think I am way too nice and too forgiving. No I have not totally forgiven him in my heart for what he did but I will never use it against him. I'm starting to think that the NC until he contacts me is the best thing to do. Then I will say what dreamguy suggested.

 

I feel like a teenager in puppy love. I had the urge to call him just to heart his voice and hang up. I hear Jr. High calling!! I know I am more mature than that since I laughed how pathetic my own thought was.

 

Yay for No Contact !!!

[MaiGrl]

[color=blue]For all of you are missing your ex:[/color] I found this today August 7th, 2004 on the website, http://edumped.com/encourage2.html . It has the best reasons for no contact that I have ever heard...

 

6 GOOD Reasons For "No Contact"

Posted by Missy on 4/9/2002, 4:05 pm

 

First of all, I want to say kudos to Rob G. and Rochelle, who posted very good responses to that below.

 

1. Your ex is doing "no contact". You wouldn't be sweating those digits if they were calling you. When people love you, you love them. When people stay away from you, you should do the same. Hey, you don't want to be where you're not wanted, do you?

 

2. Begging and pleading doesn't work. If it did, you wouldn't be here. So try something different.

 

3. You're just asking for a panic attack. I don't know how many stories I've read on here of people who have given in and called or e-mailed and were completely slapped in the face or ignored by their ex. Then they're back at square one, feeling as bad as they did the day they got dumped. Or for those of you who get those ambiguous responses, you're given a tiny piece of string to hold onto while they continue to go out and have their fun - without you. It ain't worth it, honey.

 

4. What about you? Don't you deserve to be called and missed? Your ex wasn't the only one in the relationship, and you shouldn't be the only one calling. Guess what? He/she knows your number/e-mail address too. It's not fair to have one-sided communication. Invest that time and energy into yourself.

 

5. You won't be able to move on if you're still holding on to old ghosts. I say old ghosts because he/she isn't there anymore. They've moved on, some for better, a lot for worse. But the point is they've moved on. And you know what? If they really love you and they see that you're better than the rest out there, they'll be back. And if they don't, then you'll find someone who will think you're top dog. And you deserve that. Interesting stat - 90% of people in the US get married at least once. So it's against the odds that you'll be alone forever.

 

6. God loves you. He doesn't want to see you suffer. But God teaches those that he loves, so sometimes we have some hard lessons to learn. Take it in stride and gain everything that you can. He will be pleased and send you all that your heart needs and wants. Don't believe me? "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart."

 

Psalm 37:4.

 

So let go of the phones and cancel the e-mails. Go read a good book. Pray, take a walk, write in a diary, post on here. But leave your ex alone. He/she will thank you for it, and you'll be thanking yourself later.

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

 

[shellen]

It's been a long while since ive posted...and ive been trying to catch up on this thread for weeks.

 

well...for me...its pretty much over between me and my ex. perhaps it was over a long time ago but i refused to acknowledge it....

just a brief summary of my story: my ex dumped me abt one yr ago claiming religion as the reason. he is muslim, i was non-religious (but not atheist) and I was not ready then to decide if i cld convert. I wanted to remain friends (mistake) and we remained in regular contact. 6 months later i found out he had had been seeing someone for a couple of months already when a friend of mine bumped into them. All these while he hid it from me even when i did ask him before if he had a new gf. I was devastated coz I suppose all these while subconsciously i was harbouring hopes of reconciliation. when i realized i cld be losing him for gd it made me seriously reconsider the conversion issue and I told him i was ready to do it (too late maybe). He said he consider (dunno if just paying lip service) and finally said no. And after that we still kept in touch and he still said things like he still loves me etc etc. I dunno why he says such things when he has no intention of seeing it through. Some friends say he is just trying to act like a nice guy and make me think that he reallie dump me because of religion.

 

Only one month ago, i decided i had enough so i met him at his house and told him I did want to be friends anymore. He text msg me after i left saying he was sorry he was not strong enough to admit he love me. what the f***?? why does he have to say such things? and he called and text msged me everyday after that. Before that he was helping me with some job opportunities so i finally accepted his call 5 days later to ask him help me check up on something. mistake again..coz aft dat it was difficult to contact him for follow up and in the end he did not even help like he said he wld. I ended up getting irked by him and asked him does he still love me or not (because of wat he text msg me aft i left his house a week ago). At first he replied he just cannot say it to me in person or via text msg, but in the end he said yes. The first thing that came to my mind was if he meant what he said why on earth is he still with the other ger? It's been almost a yr they have been together and aft all dat time he still has feelings for me, doesnt that mean anything significant to him? And i told him that, which made him avoid me for abt a week. finally when he responded, i told even if i misinterpreted his feelings for me, he can just be honest instead of leaving me hanging. to which he responded, maybe i didn't. u know..i reallie am confused if he still has feelings for me, but it seems that even if he still has he rather just continue the way things are. and the thought that he cld be saying all these just to make himself feel better saddens me too, i hope to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the way he ignores me sometimes reallie make me wonder if wat my friends say is true. i told him yesterday not to contact me anymore because after one year, i feel everything is status quo. he does want to be with me but sometimes say things that give me false hope, intentionally or unintentionally i dunno. I may have closed the door for good and I dun even know if ill be happier without him in my life, but I just wanted a change in things... coz it does not seem he is ever going to come around.