No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Lonestar]

Well, that was a very straightfoward move, and one I wouldn't even have thought of. I tend to skirt around the real issue at times, but I think that was a good thing for you to do. Now, like you said, the ball is in her court, and I know there's no danger of you contacting her again.

[dreamguy]

She just contacted me again about an hour ago.

 

I said "Let me ask you something, why did you call ?"

She said "Because something reminded me of you and I wanted to talk to you after 3 weeks had passed"

I said "Talk to me as what ? As a friend ? I cannot give you that as I have already said. Besides you're the one who's confused so you have to do a lot of thinking"

(And here is the part that literally shocked me) She said "No I'm not confused. You have everything I have ever wanted in a guy and I was happy with you."

I said "Then why did you end it all ?"

She said "Because of external factors such as my father. And because I was scared"

So I said "You never came to me in all honesty and told me about all those fears and pressures. Had you done that then I would have listened to you and I would have been there for you. Now I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm moving on with my life although the future remains mysterious".

She said "You know, everytime I anticipate problems in a relationship I just freak out and run away"

I said "Then you'll never find happiness and settle down. You have to stand up for yourself ! Do you know when you'll be happy ? It's when you will actually face the obstacles instead of running away from them !"

 

Then we did some additional talking and I said "I gotta get going anyway... I'm not gonna end this conversation by saying "We'll be in touch" because I cannot lie to you about this. I know what I want in life whereas you still don't. Take care of yourself and bye bye".

 

I'm so at peace with myself right now that it feels great. I hope everyone on this forum is able to feel like that one day.

[buckenut]

Everyone.... especially males look at what is going on with his situation. Around the same time he told his ex hell no to friends I did the same thing. I am no longer a crying feeling like pooh little b*t*c*. You know what because he did this the truth is coming out. If he wouldn't have taken a stand she would have kept him along until maybe she was ready. Hell he is the guy who has everything she wants. Trust me on this, I am not lying I hate the fact that I am not with my ex, but screw it, I am not going to get caught up in her confussion. It really is her loss. I know I did everything then plus to make her happy. Go play around with little safe boys, but when she is ready for a man it will probally be too late, but that is no longer my problem.

 

Great advice dreamguy!!!!!!

[Mr messed up]

Great advice Buckenut , sums up how we should all be behaving towards our ex's

[crazydawg]

I gave in about 2 weeks ago and sent her an email that we had to speak, she replied that she def couldn't.

that hurt but i'm over it. 2 weeks later she ims be like nothing ever happened i told her that she was acting cold to me, and she said no she isn't. So the first thing that came to mind was to lie and be mean, so i told her that i wasn't honest with her when i was in a relationship with her.. this really really bugged her because she kept asking me if i cheated on her or anything.. i told her well its something like that.. she wouldn't stop asking so i told her i had to go. and that we needed to speak in person and it was important.. she didn't want me to get off... anyway she emails me right away to tell her what i did and she saod "your the only guy i ever trusted, did you cheat on me and with who.." she told me she would meet me after i told her something. i mean that kinda took me by surprise.. I responded the next day and told her that i have alot to say to her and some of it is good but i also told her if this is a waist of time to let me know because i coulnd't wait my time on someone who hides from me.... she never responded back to that..

 

I don't reccoment this to anyone except for a last ditch effort to try and be a challenge...

 

I did try this back a few yrs ago i was dating a girl and she was with someone on the side she told me she cared about me but couln't do this anymore.. i told her ok i was upset but i told her ok..

that girl imed me about a week later and all i said was "Don't waist my time" she didn't even reply to that.

and i think she most have saw me with another girl (this is important step because it makes u look worthy) Anyway a week later i saw her at school and i just said hi, after that she started calling me telling me how much she liked me and how much she wanted to be with me and blah blah blah.. we ened up going out for 2 yrs..

 

Anyway my point is i believe is that i think we should play it off that we are cold and ****ed up and be seen with someone else.. I dont believe if we are nice and heart warmed that they will run back to us.. i've been trying that for a month and it hasn't goten me anywhere i'm going to try this approach again now...

 

Like i said i don't recomend this because its sorta a game but i believe thats how the human mind works "we want what we can't have" i know this is somewhat pathetic but sometimes you have to play the game to win...

[dreamguy]

buckenut,

You know what because he did this the truth is coming out. If he wouldn't have taken a stand she would have kept him along until maybe she was ready. Hell he is the guy who has everything she wants.

Exactly, if I had not made her feel I was moving on with my life and I wasn't willing to be her friend anymore then she would have never told me this and things like "I fear I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you 3 months ago".

 

crazydawg,

Anyway my point is i believe is that i think we should play it off that we are cold and ****ed up and be seen with someone else.. I dont believe if we are nice and heart warmed that they will run back to us.. i've been trying that for a month and it hasn't goten me anywhere i'm going to try this approach again now...

Like i said i don't recomend this because its sorta a game but i believe thats how the human mind works "we want what we can't have" i know this is somewhat pathetic but sometimes you have to play the game to win...

While I do agree that sometimes we have to play along to win I have to stress on the fact that I stopped being part of the game the moment I told my ex "We cannot be friends anymore, I'm moving on with my life... goodbye".

So I believe that if you're cold and ****ed up (as you say) they might never trust you again and want to be with you. You would only be putting pressure on them and it would be a 50/50 chance you'll get them back. Some people just don't tolerate this some others become more attracted to you.

Yes, you're right, if we are nice and warm hearted then they probably won't run back to us. But this is most likely to happen only when we linger there, at their disposal as friends.

The moment you walk away, not initiating contact at all for weeks, sometimes months, it means you stopped pressuring them. This is when most people start chasing you. I said most because some will never change their mind (but those are a minority).

 

This is what's happening with me. She is chasing me and calling even when I made it clear that I cannot just be a simple friend. I will stick to this strategy of effectively moving on with my life, going on with new people and answering her when I feel like it. If she doesn't come around then I would have continued living normally. If she does come back then I'll be in a better position to decide whether I want her or not.

Trust me, she can feel I am dead serious about moving on by the tone of my voice ! This is why she's starting to make confessions I would have never dreamt of hearing. Because she is playing it "all or nothing". She feels it's all slipping away from her and she is desperately trying to hold me back from making that final leap and stepping out of her life forever.

I hope my words will make you reconsider your strategy of being cruel although, if you're not too cruel (showing disrespect or physical abuse), then it might have an effect on her but maybe not enough to bring her back.

[Lonestar]

You handled that coversation PERFECTLY!! I knew she would call back if you reponded to her first phone call in some manner. Sounds to me like she wants you back and is not being completely honest about what is holding her down. Good for you for ending that conversation the way you did. I suspect she will be calling you again very soon. Go boy!

 

Until this morning, I went 17 days no contact with my X. I had not called him for anything, not sex, and not anything to do with our daughter. If he's not man enough to pick up the phone, he doesn't deserve much from me anymore except what I'm required to do as a parent. This afternoon I happened to be at Home Depot in his town. I thought I saw his truck outside a bar he goes to, so I called. I figured if he wasn't with the kid, I'd go get her for a couple hours (sometimes he gets sitter for a day or night on his time - I have no issue with that).

 

He ended up being home and that was a friend's similar truck that I saw. I asked if I could stop by on my way home and see our daughter for five minutes. I did only stay for 10 minutes tops, just a quick hello before her nap, but man was he on his best behaviour. Last time I saw him he was a miserable wretch. This time he was friendly, all smiles, and I caught him smiling and watching me when me and my daughter were wrestling and giggling on the floor.

 

I kissed and hugged her goodbye, barely paid attention to him except for a goodbye on the way out, and left with no personal words about us or anything else. Don't misunderstand, I was very pleasant to him, just gave him no attention. The no contact has to be played differently when you're forced to see someone on occassion because you share a child.

 

I don't care how drunk I get tonight, I won't call him. I know he's very confused as to why I've stopped calling for sex. I never said a word, just stopped.

[dreamguy]

Lonestar,

 

I commend you for your self control. Don't get drunk and don't call him. It'll only ruin everything you have achieved so far. What's that you ask ? What have you achieved so far ? I'll tell you: You have achieved and imposed your self respect on him, you have shown him you were a loving mother and a mature person able to cast aside any personal issue for the sake of an innocent child who cannot and should not bear the responsibility and the consequences of two adults breaking up after having brought him/her into this world.

 

I am serious when I say: I look up to you as a parent and as a person in general. I don't know you but your words denote a lot of wisdom and maturity. One can immediately guess you have been through a lot in life. You have managed to make it so far... you'll manage to make it further down along the road. I am certain of it.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It really means a great deal.

[crazydawg]

I sent her this

 

Christie you should.. trust me... ur the only girl i ever trusted also...u know that also...

there is alot i want to tell you.. and its not really bad alot of it is good things i want to tell you...but if you think this is a waist of time tell me because i can't waist my time anymore with someone who hides...

Love..Chris...

 

 

 

 

chris.. i do trust you but frum what u sed ur confusing me...why do u have so much 2 tell me ...why didnt u tell me everything b4? im so confused....tell me some of the things so i understand you..............cuds

 

 

^ this is what she replied to me after i send her the email ^

 

 

 

 

What do you guys make of this..... i guess being outward and being alittle mean gets them to their senses....

guys and gals give me some input what do i do now...

[MaiGrl]

Tonight I went out drinking with some friends. I was feeling better earlier today but a few drinks in, all I could do was think about him.

 

Let me just say this. Me and my ex, from the first time have had the most amazing sex ever. The whole three years of our relationship was always like this, always so intense and more than amazing. Tonight, all I could do was think about making love to him.

 

Drinking is really not a good idea when going thru this. My friends convinced me that it would make me feel better, but nope. It brings back all of the feelings I have wanted to go away and makes me not happy at all. Right now I really crave him. Just his touch would make me explode. I just want to be with him, with his arms around me, looking into each others eyes, and my fingers in his hair..ahhhhh, i'm going crazy

 

It has been a week today since I last talked to him. I know that it hasn't really been that long but the longest we have gone NC is about 4 days. He always ends up calling. This makes me think that he is seeing that girl again. Why else wouldn't he call? I thought this week would end up him non stop calling telling me how much he misses me and loves me like he always does. It breaks my heart thinking about him holding another girl in his arms.

 

omg our song just came on the radio and now tears are falling down my cheeks.

 

I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Love to you all

[dreamguy]

Crazydawg,

chris.. i do trust you but from what used ur confusing me...why do u have so much 2 tell me ...why didnt u tell me everything b4? im so confused....tell me some of the things so i understand you..............cuds

She seems to be open for discussion but she is definitely confused.

Just make sure you don't rush in throwing everything at her. This will only overwhelm her and paralyze her ability to reason. Start by talking about the least important matters and gradually work your way up towards the most important issues (you should feel her receptiveness before moving on to more serious topics). Most importantly, DO NOT accuse her of anything during your discussions as it will cause her to automatically raise up her shields and activate her defense mechanism. That's what you want to avoid. You want her to lower her defenses so you can get to her heart.

[dreamguy]

MaiGrl,

 

I'm so sorry to hear all this. I wish there was something we could do on this forum to make you feel better. Perhaps there is, it's to give you advice and tell you that ALL THIS PAIN will inevitably come to pass as time flows by.

You say that he has never gone more than 4 days without calling you. So, as 1 week has already passed and you haven't heard from him, you assume he doesn't care and he's out having fun with this girl. WRONG.

This is by far one of the assumptions we all make when we are dumped. We think the dumper is having the greatest time of their life and they have already forgotten about us.

MaiGrl, have you ever heard of people being beaten, cheated on, insulted.... yet going back to their partner ? Although I'm not saying this is a good thing to do I'm just telling you that IT IS NOT EASY to forget about someone you loved as if they have never existed. I'm sure your ex thinks about you more than you want to admit.

Let me ask you this. Have you called him during the last week ? No, you haven't done that either yet you are hurting so very much !!

Assuming your ex doesn't care just because a few days (sometimes weeks) have gone by and they haven't called is wrong.

More than 3 weeks passed after I told my ex (who dumped me) we couldn't be friends anymore. Yet she called twice in the last few days to say she remembered me on so many occasions !! This is the same girl who was telling me that she was confused and needed time for herself.

Think positively and, if you can, don't think about him at all for the time being.

Also understand this, who he is with has little impact on his decision to come back to you. Yes, I know what I'm saying sounds illogical but logic rarely works when it comes to feelings and emotions anyway ! What determines his final decision is mostly the way you interact with him. It would even be preferable if you didn't interact with him at all for the time being. Let him go through the feeling of having lost you for good. Sometimes it takes a big shock to wake up someone from their state of lethargy and confusion.

[fishman3226]

Dreamguy, dreamguy, dreamguy!!!

 

Man, dont sink backwards! This woman is screwing with your mind - leave it be - move forward and let her come crawlng to you on all fours or not at all!!

 

Mate, how many sleepless nights - how many missed opportunities and angst are you prepared to go thru? Move on - she will either catch up or be left far behind - she knows how you feel - let her make the move and stop hurting yourself.

 

If you start pining and hoping she will come your way all you will do is end up falling back into despair and ultimately false hope - she will either come back or not.

 

You have come to far to be dragged down again.

[dreamguy]

Fishman,

 

Trust me mate, I am not sinking backwards again.

I hung up with her yesterday saying "I cannot tell you we'll talk again because I won't call you".

In my mind, it's over. I am not waiting for a sign from her. I'm fully moving on with my life. She sensed it and she is confessing so many things. These things are not making me change my mind. The only thing that will make me reconsider is when she comes to me crawling and asking me to take her back ! If she waits a long time before doing so then I might already be with someone else. This is what she said yesterday. She said "I'm so scared that if I change my mind and come back to you in the near future, you'll already be unavailable !!!"

[fishman3226]

Shame people will think you are a bad person if you laugh in her face and then walk away.

 

I am quite intolerant of people that do this kind of stuff to others.

 

She said "I'm so scared that if I change my mind and come back to you in the future, you'll already be unavailable !!!"

 

I would have replied. "Funny how the wheel turns" in the most smug voice I could have produced.

 

I know my ex will regret it - even more so now I am working as a TL and earning double what I was 6 months ago - whilst she is still doing nothing of significance. Never mind

[Lonestar]

I got really drunk tonight, but I did NOT NOT call him, in part because of the things you said to me, dreamguy. It kept me strong all night. Thank you for believing in me, and for making me feel special for a couple minutes (I almost cried before). Too shot to write any more, going to bed... oh and I also didn't smoke - 20 days nicotine free... very very hard.

[dreamguy]

fishman,

Glad to hear you're working on making yourself happier and better. Keep it up ! She will definitely realize what she has lost as time goes by.

 

Lonestar,

The fact that you were able to refrain from smoking for 20 days must make you realize that you have more will than you would like to admit !

I don't think my words would have kept you strong all night if somewhere deep inside you didn't know they were true and you believed in yourself.

I didn't tell you anything new. All I did was to remind you of something you already knew but seemed to have forgotten lately.

 

By the way, just because things didn't work out with your ex doesn't mean you're not a special person. We all tend to feel worthless when someone dumps us but the fact remains it's just a temporary and false feeling. It's only a stage we go through after being abandoned.

Always keep that in mind, always understand you are as special as any other person you can think of. It's just a question of finding the right partner who will appreciate you for what you are.

[dreamguy]

freedom43,

 

If he already knows how you feel about him and his kids then I'd suggest you stick to no contact for now. It's not like he's going to date anyone soon (he's in his early 50's and he has kids). You also said he's afraid of commitment. So stay out of sight until you can control your feelings. When you feel you can do that, you can try contacting him again to sort things out.

If he doesn't know how important they (him and his kids) are for you then I suggest you tell him in a letter or an email without begging or sounding desperate. Only do this once. Don't repeat yourself and, most of all, DO NOT say anything bad about his ex wife or her current husband. If you try to alienate him against them it will have the opposite effect. He will think you are trying to manipulate him and he will even get closer to them.

[freedom 43]

dreamguy:

Thanks soooo much for replying to my post. I was so hoping that you would. You have good advice and the advice you have given me today is no exception. It helps to have someone who is not close to the situation personally to observe from the outside and tell the truth!!

 

He took his youngest back to her mother this weekend. He met her at the manipulative cousin's house and will be returning home today. I suspect that NOW that he will be back in his normal routine and if he is ever going to call it will be after this weekend.

 

I forgot to mention that he has been a 40 year smoker and started the quitting process about 5 weeks ago. He has also been going through a terrible grieving process after the death of his father whom he had lived with since his divorce. His father died in December 03 after a 2 1/2 year illness with my bf as the primary caretaker. He has taken the death VERY hard, as they were best friends.

 

I mentioned earlier that he is Roman Catholic and had not gotten an annulment yet, even though he has started the process. I am Baptist and do not know a great deal about the Catholic religion but it is my impression that until the annulment is granted that he considers himself still married to the ex. Do you know if that is right? Also, I talked to his priest one day, in what I thought was in his confidence, and he told my bf everything I told him and said. My bf got angry at me for talking to his priest even though all I did was tell him how much I cared for him. Are priests bound by conversations in confidence with a member of another faith?

 

I wrote his daughter an e-mail the other day and told her that I wanted her to stay in contact with me and let me know what was going on in her life but that it looked like it was really over between her dad and I. Was that wrong? I just don't want him to come back due to her pressure. If he ever calls again I want it to be because HE wanted to talk to me.

 

Do you think he will ever call me again. It has been three weeks and three days since his call telling me that I couldn't see his daughters and that he needed to get his life together and figure out what he wants. The two weeks before that call he called me only one time each week and both calls were not pleasant. I also must add that this has been a five week period - the same five weeks that the kids have been doing summer visitation (the older daughter with her mom the first two weeks and the younger daughter the last three weeks).

 

I miss him so much that I physically hurt!! He knows how I feel about him but this is the first time in the year and a half that we have been apart anywhere even close to this long.

 

PLEASE RESPOND!!

freedom 43

[dreamguy]

freedom43,

I'm almost certain he misses you and misses your presence in his life. By the way, 3 weeks is not such a long time for no contact. Some people need months to cool down. Just try not to think about him and keep yourself busy. It'll help you stay strong.

You should understand that your mind and conscience should be at ease. You have done nothing wrong. If he decided to listen to their biased advice then there's nothing you can do for the time being. I already told you that the more you try to convince him they are wrong the more you'll push him away. If you don't believe me, just try it and let me know how things go.

Your best bet is to stay out of contact for now. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no letters... nothing.

Use this time to control your emotions. Trust me it'll help. Besides he might realize what he's missing once he stops hearing from you. We all want what we can't have so stop being so available.

One last thing, you can't be sure his daughter isn't relaying your words/emails to him. I'd be careful if I was you. Stop writing to her but explain that you're only stopping because you respect her and her dad enough to stay away (as he has asked) even when you still care so much. This way she will still like you and she won't think you abandonned them.

[freedom 43]

dreamguy:

You must be a psychologist. If not, you certainly could be!!

 

I lost my mother a little over 7 years ago. So many times in the last 3-5 weeks I have wanted to talk to her about all of this. I really appreciate your advice because it sounds so much like what she would tell me. I always want to be told what I need to hear, not necessarily what I want to hear. You are good at that!! I have read a lot of your posts to other people and without a doubt, you can tell that you sincerely care about all of these people who are experiencing problems. Thanks so much.

 

You gave me some good points about his daughter maybe relaying my messages. You also gave me a good "out" if she asks why I'm not contacting her or e-mailing her.

 

I need a little bit more advice. If he does contact me you can bet that it will be around 10 or so at night and he will probably want me to come to his house for a drink. What do I do if that happens? I don't want to do the "no contact" thing so well and then mess it all up when he calls for the first time. What do I say? How do I act? AND WHAT DO I DO? DO I GO? DO I STALL? Tell me, please!!! I don't want to be caught off guard.

freedom 43

[freedom 43]

dreamguy:

After I finished my last post I remembered that I wanted to ask you one more thing. You said that you were almost certain that he missed me. Why do you think that? That statement gave me some encouragement!

freedom 43

[Lonestar]

If he calls you over for a drink, don't go. No contact will not work if you remain at his service whenever he calls you. Do not make yourself available to him. Be pleasant, but tell him your busy when/if he calls. Suggest another evening at an earlier time, and tell him 10:00 pm is too late for him to call and want to see you.

[freedom 43]

Lonestar:

 

That's exactly what my mom would have said. It just helps to hear it from someone. In my heart I knew that was what I should say and do. It will be just so hard!! However, I know you're steering me in the right direction. I hope all of on this site get our problems straightened out.

 

It is so amazing to me that I have been able to do this "no contact" thing for three weeks. I just hope that I don't get weak and mess it all up.

 

Thanks for the advice! Well taken. Freedom 43

[dreamguy]

Freedom 43,

 

Everytime you feel like giving in and calling tell yourself the following: "I'm obviously under a lot of pressure and, right now, my feelings are dictating my actions. This is bad so I'll wait 24 hours and if, after that I still feel like calling him, then I'll think about it."

 

As for going there when he calls, I think Lonestar replied with the perfect answer. Couldn't add anything to that.

 

The reason why I said he misses you is because, as I have already once said, forgetting about someone we have once really loved is harder than you think. Most people don't forget but they put on an act and fake it. They pretend they are fine just so they appear strong. They pretend they don't care because they know this is what it takes to walk away from the situation. Don't be fooled. He is surely missing you every day.