No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Hurt]

Things may seem bleak now but you never know what the future may hold for you and your ex. You may get back together someday. You may not. Either way it is better to let go of a faltering relationship while there is still some caring left between the two of you. If you play it out to the bitter end and leave your ex no choice but to hate you to get rid of you, you close the door to the future. Bowing out graciously leaves room for a future relationship with your ex, even if it is just as good friends.

Letting go hurts because not only do we let go of our partner, we must let go of all our dreams of a life with them. We let go of our present stage of life and our expectations of that life. We let go of many viewpoints. We let go of identifying ourselves as a part of this relationship, as half a couple with this individual. We must let go and move on from this time of our life, as it is finished and over.

 

Don’t contact him

No more ‘how are you getting on’ emails or ‘I’ve just found that shirt of yours’ phone calls. Forget about excuses to get in touch. It just keeps you hanging in there and hoping. If he’s contacting you, ask him not to.

 

Don’t go to the empty cupboard

Trying to find ways to fix or get back a relationship you know in your heart is over is like going to an empty cupboard hoping that instead of a few crumbs you’ll find a big fat loaf there. You won’t, and as long as you’re going back to that cupboard you won’t see the deliciously full one just around the corner. Close the door on it and walk away.

 

Talk about him less

Going over every detail of what happened with friends may feel comforting initially, but after a few weeks it’s time to stop. Friends get bored and you get stuck. So be very selective about what you say and the people you say it to and start talking about other things.

 

Stop giving yourself a hard time

So you weren’t perfect. Well neither was he. You both did your best to make it work and it didn’t. Put it down to experience and forget about blaming him or yourself. Blaming anyone hurts only you and holds you back from recovery.

[a2nxtc28]

HI everyone!Hi dreamguy!I need help..is it too late for me to have the no contact rule thing?My ex dumped me 3 mo. ago,we dated for 6 mo.Seem short but there were a lot of things happened inside those 6 mo. we even talking about getting married,he left too many promises that's why im feel like sh*t right now.He treated me so well when i was with him and it was actually my first serious relationship.I thought we were cool then all of sudden BAM! he said he needed a space,i really dont think he's seeing anyone,he just want to be single again like most of his friends.But he's still calling me and the problem is im still answering it.I dont know what to do..he has a total control of me.Im still seeing him by the way but he said he doesnt want a commitment right now.I love him so much..how can he act so cool about this.Im so miserable.Yes i see him all the time,im happy when we hang out but im not satisfied with this.Im commitment person..i dont want to be just a sex partner to him.He said he just need time,that i dont have to date other people coz he knows one day he'll be ready.I know that's ridiculous but what am i still doing here,still hoping for him to ask me to get back with him.Im stuck!

[maui2k4]

If history is any indication of the future, hopefully I will be able to learn from that. My question is this... Last year my ex and I broke up and she started seeing someone shortly thereafter. I still kept contact and did for 2 months until it made her angry and then I started seeing someone else. She then broke up with who she was seeing to get back together with me and break me up with the girl I was with. This time only one week after she broke it off again (this time for a guy she met at work) I backed away much faster (stopped all contact after 1 week - been 3 whole days - lol).

 

My question is this... Being that for the better part of the last 2+ years we never had no contact for any extended period of time and she came back with a vengence when I moved on last year, what are the chances I will hear from her again? In reality I am hoping this clean break with no drama will be the end, but my gut tells me she will haunt me again... Especially if I continue to have nothing to do with her... Any thoughts? Will she go away this time since I walked away so quickly when it ended this time? Or will after a week or a month try to work her way back into my life? I guess that will depend on her dating situation, but I do wonder what will happen next... I know I will not contact her though... Something I have never done in the past so quickly.

[smile95]

I was just wondering if we know that NC works. I mean, have any of you done it and felt good after time?

 

After cracking, I am starting over on NC today. I realized after talking to some people that I do not want to be with someone if I have to trick them into calling or caring. I do not want to chase someone to love me. So, if I do this and he never calls, I hope time will heal my heart. If I do it and he does call, I hope I am strong enough to turn him down.

 

As much as I love this site, I wonder how helpful it is to be talking about this all the time. It kinda makes me think about him more. But it helps me too. I am very sad today. I keep rememebring good times and want to call and tell him I love him, but I know that deep down I want to move on.

 

Anyone here tongiht?

[Hurt]

Sounds like a bad day? I tried 3 x, I think you cant move on if you continue...did you read the column I sent?

[wolvie666]

I'm here, but I am going to a party tonight... Lord knows my friends will be trying to get me to meet girls. Still don't know if the plans are on with the ex tomorrow or not. Last time we made plans she broke them, but she sounded like she really wanted to see me yesterday when she called me, but who knows... she seems to be swinging all over the place as far as what she wants to do. Like one minute she is talking like she wants to get back together and the next minute she is running out the door to be with that loser. It's driving me nuts and I was honestly feeling better when we weren't talking as much. That being said, I do hope to see her tomorrow just so I can get a feel for the situation. I've been down so long over this girl I just need to know if it's worth the emotional muck I've been dragging myself through. I guess I won't be surprised if she calls me tomorrow and says she doesn't want to do anything. If she does I'm going to ask her to stop calling me and asking me to get together if she's just going to cancel on me the day we're supposed to meet up. I can't play these games. After spending 7 years with me she has to show me more respect. My heart and head can't take it. I don't talk to her for a while and start to get used to not talking to her, the temptation to call her isn't as strong, then she calls me and starts telling me how she misses me and what we had, then I get my hopes up, we make plans, and then she breaks them. I was hoping she would call me today to confirm our plans for tomorrow, but she hasn't. Maybe I'll meet some great girl tonight who will make me forget about my ex... Yeah right... Damn I miss that girl... Wish she wouldn't mess with my head so bad.

[smile95]

yes i did read it and it helped. I sent you a Private msg yest, did you get it?

[wolvie666]

You go about your life and see happy people everywhere, happy couples, etc. You sorta feel like you're on your own with your pain and are the loneliest person in the world, but then you find a place like this and see that there are a ton of other people going through the exact same heartaches. We sort of counsel each other. I would be thinking about her constantly if I was coming here or not, I think it makes it easier to have people to vent your frustrations with.

[MaiGrl]

I just had the worst night of my life.

 

First, my ex asked me out to dinner. This was the first time seeing him in two weeks. I agreed to go and we went and had the best time. Next we went back to his house to hang out for a little. He told me over and over how much he loved me and he wanted to be with me. He kept saying he was going to prove it to me. I asked him straight out, tell me the truth, have you been with the other girl since you said you were done with her. He looked me right into the eyes and said, no I have not been with her at all.

 

He said, what about marriage. He said, I would go with you right now and sign papers and I would marry you. I want to be with you forever.

 

He said he was going to prove it to me by bring me to her work to get a couple drinks. He wanted to show her that he just wanted me. He kinda put it off but I got him to bring me there since he wanted to prove it to me so bad. He brought me there but was acting kinda weird. She works at a club, I asked him to sit with me at the couch but he wouldn't. He just wanted to sit at the table. He was just acting so distant.

 

After we left there, I was kind of upset with him that he wouldn't get close to me or anything there. He said, I can't do this anymore. He said, I have been lying to you all of this time. Then he said, I have been sleeping with 'her' this whole time. He said, I have to end this with you now because us getting back together will never work. I can't hurt you anymore. He said, you would never be able to really forget about what I did to you. So we will never work out.

 

I asked him when the last time he was with her was, and he said a couple days ago. I asked how he could say all of those things to me while all of that was going on. He just said, I don't know.

 

Now he pulled into my driveway. He said, I can't hurt you anymore so I am going to let you go. Please go. I said, so that's it? He nodded yes. I got out of his car and he drove away. I fell down onto my grass because I couldn't even walk. I just broke down crying and I haven't stopped yet.

 

I don't know why I am so upset. If he loves me this much how could he keep on sleeping with this girl.. How could he keep on lying to me

 

I wrote him a text then saying, 'How can you not understand how I am feeling... I wanted to be with you so bad and be with you forever but you can't take the time to work it out. Why? All you had to do was keep loving and holding me' ... No response

 

How did he go on all day and night telling me how much he wanted to be with me and how much he loved me and wanted forever with me... How did he lie straight to my face? How do I still love him even after all this? How is it that he ends up being the one to tell me that it is over forever? Why do I still feel like I love him more than anything in the world?!

 

I wish I never stopped the NC when he called. I am back where I was before but feeling more than 100 times worse.

 

I can't even breathe right now I am crying so hard

 

Please help, please

[Hurt]

Maybe its best, maybe now you can begin to heal a little ata time, time will do it if you let it, try and not write to him right now, it will not get you where you want it to. I am really sorry you had to have somthing like that happen. Just dont talk to him right now, he is well aware of how you feel.

[maui2k4]

I am not sure what to say after your night you just had. If I were in your shoes I would be devastated also. While it likely hurts like hell right now, maybe this can give you some sort of closure to be able to pick the pieces up and move in a new direction. He is defintely not worth it with the way he led you on only to hurt you worse.

 

Last night was one of the harder no contact nights for me. I had several dreams about my ex and even got to the point at 4 AM that I was going to drive over to her house to see if this guy she met's car was in her driveway. I was thining that that would remind me of why I need to move on. After getting my head back on straight I did not go over there and realized I already have enough reasons to continue no contact and I did not send her an email either. It has only been 4 days of no contact for me and a week and a half since the break up and it has not really gotten easier - at least not at night when I am sleeping. The dreams really suck, but when I am awake I am controlling my actions pretty well and not having contact with her... I do wonder if she thinks about me or if she will contact me, but I am not going to try and find the answer out either... I have never gone 4 days or more with no contact over the last 2+ years so I have no idea if she will just keep her distance or begin to wonder why I changed my behavior and contact me. Time will tell, but I am sticking with the no contact. Even if it hurts a lot at times... I have to keep reminding myself that no contact is better than contact I do not want to hear (i.e repeating why she wanted out) or no response to contact I initiated...

[Stringfellow]

Take back the emotions that you gave, take back the control the this person has over you and let it go, you will be better off and know that you will find the right one becasue they are looking for you as well!

[slinkster]

My ex has asked me to meet her for lunch to "catch up on things". Does anyone have any advice on what I should and should not do in order to not screw this up and make her feel like dumping me may have been the wrong decision. I am crazy about this girl and just don't want to make any mistakes. Can someone help me?

[slinkster]

I have to say that it seems that your ex definitely is very confused about with whom he wants to be with. In order for him to string you along like this for so long...putting a lot of time and energy in to carry on a charade. He will return, yet again, and you must...I repeat..you MUST turn him down. Carry on with N/C and make him chase you. He will begin to feel as if you are something that he can't ever have again, and that alone will make him want you all that much more. You have to force him to make a decision on what he wants. Whatever you do, though, don't make him feel like crap because of his confusion. He is human and is allowed that. I am in the same boat as you and I made the mistake of lashing out at my ex for being human. I have gone months and months trying to make up for that. Of course, if you don't want him or love him, then I say the gloves are off.

[miggsbucks]

if youre meeting up with her face to face, then its going to be really hard for you to keep up some kind of act. the way i would be if i was in your shoes would to be just truthful and honest, without appearing to be pushy, clingy or insecure and needy.

 

the best option perhaps would be to have not been so available for this date. it sounds like your heading for the friendship route. try and be comfortable with that, and make her feel comfortable in your company.

[jw32802]

Well I posted on here when I finally broke contact about my ex on July 4th. If you dont remember, I had broken up with my ex becasue he was acting distant...More of my story on this thread....in short, we were together 2 yrs, but he started acting distant and drinking so i told him if he didnt get help i couldnt do this anymore, and he still acted distant so i said i was done. He said he wanted to work on things so i said "ok but you need to treat me better". we still talked but werent together and finally one night i was at his house and saw pics of a new girl and found out he'd been seeing someone during the time we broke up. Which is fine! but he was still telling ME he wanted me back. I know he is allowed to date but i didnt like him telling me he wanted me back and telling me he wasnt dating when he was. He was seeing this girl, taking her to florida, she met his parents and she even told me that they were "In love"> it killed me so i said for him to not call me anymore and then i changed my phone number. that was july 4th. I didnt contact him again. I stuck to NC and was feeling better after 3 weeks. I am 100% better now, i do miss him at times but i am not consumed by it anymore and i am doing wonderfully. Exactly one month after, he contacted me well aug 1st and then aug 4th....on the 1st i got an email just saying a few lines and then the 4th he caught me online and started talking to me and asking me to be friends and that he missed me. I acted cool and after a little bit said i had to go. Well tht was the 4th. Last night (the 16th) I woke up at 2am to someone knocking on my front door and ringing the doorbell. i looked outside and it was his car. He was throwing stones up saying "jen"...I didnt answer at all. He ended up sitting in his car for a long time (i looked a few times). I didnt know what to do. Then around 3am i see him sign online (I had a whole new screen name which he doesnt know, but i did see him on my buddy list). and he sent me an email saying "Bad night, I was at your house, I needed a friend." Hes been signing on and off all morning, maybe to see if i answered him. I dont know what to do. I know this is just him being lonely and i am not going back to him at least not now. So many books say that this seems to happen at 6-8 weeks and that is just what it was. EXACTLY 6 weeks. I just dont know wht to do. If he is going thru a bad time i want to help him but i dont want him to think i am at his every beckon call. What should i do? I will not take him back at this point, but if he took the next few months and proved and tried to show me he changed, I would consider it after a few mths but at THIS point, I just wont take him back, i dont want it to be like i jump when he says jump. But i do miss him a lot. i havent found anyone to date that i click with like i did with him. I dont know , should i answer him? i feel so terrible if i ignore him, like i dont care, when i do.

[Lonestar]

For the few of you here who knew about the letter I wrote, I never did send it. Writing it was enough of a release, and sending it would have been stupid. I was the one that needed to deal with my emotions, not him. Anyway, I called him last night to talk. We're supposed to be friends now and I think I read into the situation way too friggin much a times. What do I care what he thinks of me or not? It really doesn't matter because we have to be in each others lives for a long time to come since we have a kid, so we're somehwhat stuck with each other, and we use each other for sex on occasion.

 

For those that don't want to read my old posts, I proposed that we use each other for sex a couple months ago. He jumped at it and we slept together about four times. After the third time, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore, but then changed my mind a week later so we slept together again. I got tired of contacting him all the time, and wanted some attention paid to me. I also felt he was getting uptight about it all, so I stopped calling him for sex with no explanation. I also stopped all contact except for the business calls concerning our kid. I was hoping he would call me to initiate something but he never did, and 4 weeks went by.

 

Last night I called him to let him know a few things about our daughter, and then I asked him straight out if he didn't want to use each other anymore. He said that he does, but he thought I changed my mind again. I said I didn't and that I was waiting for him to call me. He said he would have called, but he assumed I didn't want to when he didn't hear from me, so I told him not to assume.

 

He said he'll be calling me Saturday night. We talked for about 30 minutes about all kinds of things. It was what you would call a "conversation." So, maybe I'm an idiot for doing this again, but I like sleeping with my X for now. It's serving some strange purpose for me.

[b18bme]

First of all I have read all the 41 pages of posts about this topic and the advice given to other people is amazing I am hoping to get some of the same adivce.

 

Ok so Me and my ex of 2 years broke up back in May, for the first couple of weeks I did everything wrong. I kept calling and trying to work things out and pleading for her to just realize what she was doing, and to change her mind. It was horrible. So I finally just got to the point where I couldn't do anything else she knew how I felt and I could not change her mind. So I stopped calling her.

 

Since she has called me mulitple times and I off course answered, our calls were great, long and much laughter just like they used to be. She then took me out to lunch on my birthday and it was awesome we were flirting and we got into a huge wrestling match wich ended up in givng eathother a massage. It was awesome. It was then time for her to go and I didn't know what to expect. I walked her out to her car, gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek and said thanks very much. She then called me 2 nights later and 3:30 in the morning saying she was having a really bad night and I am the only one that knows her and how to calm her down. The whole time we are talking I am just thinking wtf she has some knew man in her life why doens't she call him, but she is calling me. Well I calm her down and she falls asleep. The next day she calls me and tells me she is turning her phone off because people that she doesn't like keep calling her and she keeps getting calls from blocked numbers. I was um ok whatever thats cool, she then says she will call me when she gets it turned back on and she just wanted me to know so I didn't think she turned it off for good or didn't switch her number on me or something.

 

Well that was 1 1/2 weeks ago. I got a phone call from her last night but it was from her home, I was not in the mood to talk to her so I didn't answer the phone and I didn't call her back. You see the thing is I really want this girl back but I have no Idea what she wants out of all this. I don't want to just be there for her to call when she gets lonely, but I really want her back. I am just wondering what I should do now, should I call her back? She didn't leave a message so it must not have been to important. Should I wait and see if she calls me back. I am really confused, should I just tell her I can't be friends because I love her to much and if thats all she wants then I am sorry but please don't contact me anymore, as it is giving me false hopes. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I said I didn't and that I was waiting for him to call me. He said he would have called, but he assumed I didn't want to when he didn't hear from me, so I told him not to assume.

Well that has opened up a whole new can of worms. All us no-contacters are gonna rush to contact our dumpers now. But don't everybody. Lonestars situation is pretty unique.

 

Lonestar, as long as you feel comfortable in both of you using each other for sex, I think you should stick by it. At least its some kind of relationship, hell its a great kind of relationship when you think about it. Hopefully some of the other things you want from your ex will result from your current relationship with him.

[Lonestar]

miggs is right everybody! My situation is very different than most here. We are divorced, we share a child, and have agreed to have sex with no strings attached, but the truth is, as you suggested miggs, there are always strings attached because you just don't know where something like this can lead. I also still care about him, and I know he cares about me. He wouldn't sleep with me if he didn't in some sense.

 

Sometimes I'm comfortable with this and sometimes I'm not. I mean, I don't care at all about using each other. Some people would be really bothered by that, but I look at it more like he's my f***ing buddy. What I do worry about is that my feelings can and do get involved, but I'm learning how to keep them in check, and that's something I needed to learn anyway. Let's see what happens this weekend, but it's something to do for now and I'm real happy that this is leading to a friendship. The divorce court was so horrible that I didn't think I would ever speak to this man again. The two years I kept myself away from him certainly helped me to put things into perspective and learn how to relate to him all over.

 

This is where the no contact rule really works people. For those two years that I didn't contact my X, I was able to pull away from him, get my self-esteem back, recharge my career, find new interests, and grow as a person. I did not use it to get him back (although in certain situations, that can work). When the contact started again, I had changed back to the person that he orginally fell in love with. I do NOT know if I want him back. I don't think I do at all, but I can explore that in time while I learn what I like and want in other men as well.

[dreamguy]

b18bme,

I am really confused, should I just tell her I can't be friends because I love her to much and if thats all she

wants then I am sorry but please don't contact me anymore, as it is giving me false hopes. Somebody please help!!

That's what I did 1 month ago. I said we cannot be friends because I still have feelings for you. I didn't contact her for 3 weeks. She caved in and called 22 days later and she started making confessions like:

"I'm afraid I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you."

"You have everything I want in a guy."

"I was very happy with you !"

"There's still too much chemistry between us."

"I'm scared if I talk to you in 1 year you will be married."

You can tell her something along the following line: "Listen, I still have feelings for you and this is exactly why I cannot lie and pretend I'm your friend. I'm moving on with my life".

But you have to understand you cannot call her after you tell her this. Not unless she calls first. Otherwise you'll be in a very bad position ! Think hard about it. Can you do it ? Can you keep your word and show her you're moving on with your life by not contacting her at all no matter what you feel inside ?

[wolvie666]

After a week of playing games with me I realized that I was happier when we weren't really talking. She had called me friday saying she missed me, was dying to see me, insisted that she had called it off with the other guy (even though I knew that she hadn't). I told her we could get together on Sunday and when Sunday rolled around she was being non-commital about getting together so I just went over to her house and told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She got all upset and said that having me in her life is important and she is so confused about what she wants... I told her that she made the choice to leave me for this guy and I don't want to have to deal with her calling me and talking like she wants to get back together only to runoff with that guy again. She went on and on about how she is so unsure about her decision to leave me for him and how she suspects he is doing cocaine and all of this crap.

 

She said she would try to refrain from calling me, but couldn't promise anything. I just realized that she isn't going to have her mind made up anytime soon and I really have to let this go. I know it won't last with this guy, but it could very likely last a few more months and I don't want her trying to string me along all that time. I know she is unsure about everything she's done, but it's her mess to clean up now. I probably won't be coming here as much anymore as I'm going to do my best to try and get out and meet somebody else and forget about the ex. It will take a while to get over her and of course deep down I hope things work out eventually, but it's not doing me any good waiting around for her.

[fishman3226]

I am really confused, should I just tell her I can't be friends because I love her to much and if thats all she wants then I am sorry but please don't contact me anymore, as it is giving me false hopes. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Mate I know what you feel here - I had my ex for ages doing exactly the same thing. In the end I told exactly that that she can either 'piss or gt of the pot' so to speak.

 

It in all honesty gave me a bout of depression which I am nearly over and severely effected my life. I know outright this woman loves me and I know that I am right in the regards of the relationship but it comes down to my own courage and strength in saying "No more! Make a decision - you are doing this."

 

Only issue is that you push too hard and she may run.

 

If anything, send her an email and say that too her - word it as softly as you can. Fire it off and DO NOT CONTACT HER. Let her stew.

 

In the meantime look after youu and you alone.

[dreamguy]

wolvie666,

I just realized that she isn't going to have her mind made up anytime soon and I really have to let this go. I know it won't last with this guy, but it could very likely last a few more months and I don't want her trying to string me along all that time. I know she is unsure about everything she's done, but it's her mess to clean up now. I probably won't be coming here as much anymore as I'm going to do my best to try and get out and meet somebody else and forget about the ex. It will take a while to get over her and of course deep down I hope things work out eventually, but it's not doing me any good waiting around for her.

I feel the same about my ex and I know she won't make up her mind anytime soon. She said everything your ex told you and many additional things, yet she is still with that guy.

You gotta do what fishman suggested. Do not call her. Just let her stew.

You know it and you have seen it. All your attempts to straighten her up didn't do much good. She's still as confused as ever. It's simple, when a strategy doesn't give you the results you want, you have to change it. Go to plan B: no contact for now.

[crazydawg]

still trying the being a somewhat of a jerk way... she called me for my birthday 2 days ago and we speak online sometimes... when she called i was honest and told her i had alot to say to her and i wanted to see her. I told her i missed speaking to her (yeah i know) and she yeah me too.. I almost got her to meet me.. I told her to come out 2morrow and she said she would and then said she would call me back 2morrow..i told her do whatever she wants..... She never did.. I'm tired of these games just when i think i have some sort of control she takes it right back from me. The good news is that the pain is going away.. i'm not mad anymore.. and i'm starting to accept things.. i'm not as sad as i used to be.. I'm not going to contact her anymore because its pointless, i keep pushing her to see me she hesitates and never answers maybe she feels bad maybe she just is confused. But personally i feel good about myself, i know i can do better and have been doing better than ever. Keep your head up guys. Girls want a man.