No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Stringfellow]

You are so right, and rude you are not, correct you are, if only she could have realized it becasue God knows I loved her so very much.

 

Thanks man, may god be with you!

[Notorious]

Hey all, I have been browsing around these forums the past few days. I just broke up with my lady and I'm a complete wreck. Had to take the last 3 days of last week off. Here's a little background.

 

We have been friends since we were 16, both in our mid 30's now. There was always an attraction but for some reason it never went anywhere. We did have a brief fling some 10 years ago, but we were both seeing other people at the time, so it never took off.

 

About 2 years ago we ran into each other and things took off. We started having some problems because she was being very insecure and needy(I guess it stems from the fact that her husband wound up leaving her about 4 years ago for another woman, with a small child). We would wind up not speaking for a few weeks here and there. We had a blowout around last January and didn't speak for 3 weeks. I broke down and contacted her, sent her 3 dozen roses for Valentines Day. She contacted me and told me that she loved me but she was sick of the roller coaster. She decided to call it off. I was devestated.

 

Around 3 weeks later she called and she came over. We had sex 4 times and then she hit me with it. "I have something to tell you, but you're gonna hate me. No words that follow a sentence like that are ever good. She told me she had started dating someone else about a week before. It felt like someone dropped a safe on my head. What I should have done right there was tell her to go ahead and see what's out there if you wan't, but, being in love I did the wrong thing and decided to "fight for her". We started seeing each other again after that, but not exclusively. We were both able to see other people. Only problem is I didn't want to.

 

I would have to sit around on the weekends, wondering if she was with this guy...it was very painful.

 

I know she was just using this guy to make me pay attention. I tried to do all the right things, but this guy was always gnawing at me. She started acting like we were back together, like if I didn't call her right back, she'd get upset if I didn't call her right back. I had finally had enough and told her if she wanted to continue to see this guy, I couldn't see her anymore. I came to find out later that she had already stopped seeing him, and was just letting me think she was still seeing him to have control or whatever her motives were.

 

Anyway, her son had grown very attached to me during our relationship, and I to him. She refused to let me see him for a few months because when we would fight and not speak for a few weeks, he would cry for me. I understood. I didn't want him to get hurt either. So after about 3 months, she decided to let me back into his life. The first time she allowed me to see him he called me "Steve" 3 times, which was the name of the guy she had been seeing. I was devestated. Why would she let a stranger see her son and not me? I grew suspicious and looked at her cell phone that night(I"m not proud of it) and saw outgoing and missed calls from...you guessed it. I confronted her and she told me he was pestering her to see her again, and she was only calling back to tell him to stop calling. I was beyond angry, as you can imagine. I sent her some nasty text messages to her phone to the tune of "Yeah, right". I had been drinking when I sent them so you can imagine they were quite nasty. She responded by changing her cell phone number on me.

 

A few days later we talked and I decided to accept her explaination. I have known her forever and I really do trust her.

 

But it just kept bothering me, to the point I began to start drinking too much, and we were constantly fighting. I started sending her ****ed up emails when I was drunk. My drinking got quite bad, to the point of missing excessive work days. The final straw came about 3 weeks ago, when I asked to take her out for her birthday and she said she had to have a "girls night" with her firends that night. Obviously that didn't sit too well with me. I hung up on her when she called me before she left that night.

 

We had no contact for a few weeks. Then I sent her some not too nice emails. She came over last Thursday and we talked. She told me she'd had enough, that she loved me but couldn't take the constant fighting. We stood by my front door for a half hour, crying in each others arms(yeah, I cried, so what!). We couldn't let each other go. Thus began the downward spiral. I have been hurt before, but it was so long ago I had forgotten just how damn horrible it is. I went on a 3 day drinking binge. I can't take the pain, it's unbearable. A good friend of mine has snapped me out of it, made me realize I need to sober up. I'm even thinking about getting some help if i can't stop on my own.

 

Anyway, I sent her 2 emails explaining to her how much I love her, that the reason we fight so much is because of my drinking. I told her I didn't care about the past anymore, which I really don't. I just want us to have a life together. I know everyone will probably tell me this is not fixable, but I think it is.

 

I know I shouldn't call, let her make the first move if she wants to. But it's effing hard.

 

Anyway, if any of you read this, thanks for listening to me vent. I feel better just having typed it. Good luck to you all.

[Stringfellow]

You say actions speak louder than words, maybe her in-actions by not wanting to go talk to a counsleor about our problems should have told me something.

 

You know how guys seem to send flowers and what not to the ladies at work, well one day I said "you know, it would be nice at least once for you to send me like a candy-gram or cookie-gram to work like I send you flowers and stuff.

She said, ok, I will do that, she never did, another sign she did not care.

 

Another sign, I live 60 miles away from her and each day after work I would travel to her place, spend the night and return to work in the am. Not once did she say " hey, so you dont have to come to town tonight, let me take the kids to mom's and I will come to you place and spend the night with you and then I will get up and head to work like you usually do for me! All she would tell me is" I know you ar tired, you dont have to come up if you dont want to"

 

 

Maybe if she would have thought more about me than herself, but who knows!

[dreamguy]

Stringfellow,

 

I hold on to my initial word: she is not worthy of your love and honesty. She is apparently extremely selfish.

Don't dwell on the past and try to move on as soon as possible. You will definitely find someone better. She's so "not fit" for a balanced relationship that it shouldn't be hard finding someone better qualified to be your partner.

[fishman3226]

Stringfellow, mate, reading your posts makes me soooo angry. Your ex is so alike to my ex (and a few others I have read about on these forums.)

 

I look at her like this - yes I love her, but at the end of the day until she is fully a whole prson I will not (let alone cannot) love her like I thnk she deserves.

 

She at the moment is an emotional leech - taking what they want until they are sated then go away until they want something.

 

If she does not respect you enough to help YOU out by doing something about what was happening in your relationship then she is a leech. Do you remember her doing anything for you?

 

Maybe I am vebnting here - I do get a touch worked up - but mate - a relationship is a two way street - she dont give as much as you then it is doomed and in honesty if she does not give as much then she does not deserve your respect nor honour nor love.

 

I get so annoyed these days with people using up others when all they wish to do i give them love.

[miggsbucks]

I've just had a bit of a depressing, but probably accurate thought. This "no-contact" business - is it not an extension of something that went wrong in the relationship?

 

I have to admit that in the relationship, I held back on certain things, I wouldn't reveal my "whole" personality for fear of rejection. When I did reveal parts of it, the start of the end was always near I felt. (My situation relates to an online LDR, when we met up in person, after 3 months of chatting, and, after meeting up - 3 weeks of lust - as well as what I thought was love).

 

The trouble is, is that we cannot help who we are, and at some point in all relationships, the truth will out. Only parts of it may come out possibly, but if those parts repel your lover, or ex-lover, to be precise - then you have to come to a point where you have to accept your gut instinct and realise that your ex-lover, g/f b/f, just does not want to be with you, full stop.

 

We employ no-contact as a means to possibly move on - it does help that process - but innermost is our desire that this tactic will help our exes think that they want to be with us from "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

 

But I think that it maybe is an extension of our fears of the revelation of our true selves to our ex-lovers as being a deterrent to them loving us for who we are, and not who we aint.

[aloneinphx]

I have a question? my girl an i broke up a month ago her decision we talked on and off since then. last week she told me she wants to be friends and talk and such. i don't think that is something i want to do, but she says if we don't stay in contact she will just forget about me and go on and we will have no chance to ever get back together. This is very confusing any ideas?

[fishman3226]

she will just forget about me and go on and we will have no chance to ever get back together.

 

Are you going to take this? My god! Tell her this mate:

 

"I want you back. I am not going to play your game. If you want me back then you know where to find me."

 

Then walk away, grieve and move on with your life. DO NOT LET HER RUN YOUR LIFE. You deserve better than that. You let her walk over you like that and you will have problems with her forever.

[Stringfellow]

She made me some meals, bought some clothes, but as far as like sending me a a cookie gram, or a candy gram, no, did she ever say let me come to your house so you wont have to drive tonight, no.

 

I asked her to go to counseling with me when things were not right, I asked her to make the appt becasue I live 60 miles away, she never made any appt. I asked her to read Dr. Phil's book Relationship rescue with me, she never did.

 

So when I was insecure with the relationship and needed some reassurance, all she could tell me was "I am not going anywhere" meaning she did not want out of the relationship, when i was looking for and answer like look babe, you mean the world to me and i want you in my life.

 

I guess I suck at relationships,, maybe i expect too much?

[dreamguy]

Notorious,

don't. I just want us to have a life together. I know everyone will probably tell me this is not fixable, but I think it is.

Mate, nothing is impossible in life. Everything is feasible when you use the right approach. First you have to stop drinking. This can only be destructive for you, her and her son. You have to work on improving yourself before attempting to win her back. You have to be ready to prove you're a new man, someone who will definitely make their lives better. I'm not saying you should become a chameleon and change your entire personality. No. I'm just saying you should eliminate the bad aspects of your personality, things like drinking and sending/saying disrespectful words/emails.

You can do it ! You're already half-way there because you realized what you were doing wrong. The only thing that remains is for you to have the will/determination to work on it.

[shellen]

i was just wondering....so the way of things is to maintain no contact until ur ex calls u...

but what if ur ex has not stopped contacting u even after u told him not to contact u anymore?

I told my ex not to contact me anymore about 2 weeks ago because I know he was never going to leave the new gf for me despite claiming he still has feelings for me and I can never be satisfied with just a frienship....

but he has continued to contact me, calls, emails asking what i am doing, text msges asking how i was doing. I did not respond but im wondering what's with that?

 

well i guess i shld jus continue to ignore him unless he shows some real intention to wanna work things out again...

[fishman3226]

Simple. You sms him back and say "if you want me in a relationship - contact me. If you dont leave me alone. Until you can make that firm decision dont contact me."

 

And DO NOT contact him again. If he continues to do it change your number.

 

I feel sorry for two people here - you as someone he is obviously not wanting to let go of and the new gf who is obviously doesnt respect enough to mke the decision (one way or another)

 

Have a look at this situation too from the outside shellen - is he someone that trustworthy and respectful?

[j_nelson]

I have already posted this under a different heading but after reading a lot of posts under this title and seeing the number of people who respond to this, I thought maybe it would be smart to also post it here....I agree with fishman3226's last post and I took that advice myself...what do you guys think of this situation?

 

 

I was with my Ex-girlfriend for 5 years before we broke up....We attend different universities 2000km away. This wasn't too bad for us, however, as we managed the first year and a half with only minor issues....only at the end of last year (March) did things begin to break down (mostly on my end). We began fighting constantly etc. and eventually she said she couldn't take the fighting anymore. She was devastated. It didn't really hit me until the school year was over and I came back home. Because of our breakup and also the fact that she doesn't get along well with her mom, she decided to move 2 hours out of town for the summer to live with her dad. I was upset about this, but we weren't together so I couldn't really do anything.

 

When I came back home I realized what a mistake I had made. I love this girl more than anything and I would do anything to go back to where we were. Unfortunately when I told her all of this (beginning of summer - end of april) she said that she was still too hurt and she needed time as she didn't want to get hurt again.

 

In the meantime she came up to visit me and other friends. When we were together, things were just as they used to be. I slept over at her house, once we rented a hotel room, we went out for dinner etc. Things were normal.. she still said she loved me and missed me but didn't want to get back together for fear of being hurt again.

 

Then I find out from her brother that at the end of April she had a guy go and visit her at her Dad's house...someone she met through another friend...he doesnt go to the same school as her...when I asked her about this, she completely denied everything. She became defensive and blamed me for being controlling, falsely accusing her etc. Eventually, a week or so later she did admit this. She told me that this guy was strictly a friend and nothing was happening between them. She said she regretted even talking to him and she had stopped talking to him because he told her that he started to like her...

 

Later on in the summer (early July) she invited me down to visit with her...things were alright although I was still thinking about this other guy thing....while I was there we had a pretty good time...we spent a lot of time together and slept together again....we talked about being together again...I said that because of the distance, if we were to get back together it would be better if we talked to each other as often as possible...everyday if we could (we always spoke daily before)...she said that she was super busy with work (she worked 5-6 days a week, 12 hours a day, often until late at night) but she would call as often as she could. I agreed. Over the next 10 days we spoke twice...I didn't even know when her next days off were....I felt worse than I had before...I told her that it wasn't going to work like this and we shouldn't speak anymore (I felt it would have been too hard to just be friends)

 

A couple weeks had passed without talking to each other and I gave in and text messaged her..."Hey how are you? Hope things are well, miss you. love ___"...she wrote back saying she was happy to hear from me and she missed and loved me too....the next day I said I would be back in town (my town) and if she wanted to get together for a visit we should...she said she'd "really like that" and agreed.....

 

So...we were supposed to get together yesterday....she msgd me in the morning saying "Im not coming up today. Long story. I'll be in town Sunday. Sorry"....making sure everything was okay, I called her...I asked her what was up...she told me it was a 'long story" again and she'd tell me later....I asked her where she was...she kinda hesitated and then told me the name of the town she is living in....she said she was with her good friend (female)....but I heard a guy talking in the background...I told her this and she said she was at her friends house and her friends relatives were up......point is, she was avoiding all my questions and lying to me...I could just tell from the way she was speaking to me that something was up....I told her she should just be honest with me and that if she was seeing someone else or interested in someone else to just tell me...she told me twice that she wasn't seeing anyone. She got mad that I was asking her so many questions and she eventually hung up....it could have been bad reception on her cell, but I dont think so...she purposely didn't tell me much..it was almost as though she enjoyed it....

 

This isn't the first time something like this has happened either (bailing out on plans)...a couple of months ago we had planned to go out for dinner @ 5pm and she never called me until 7pm....is this her way of trying to maintain power?

 

So what happens now? She tells me she loves me and she misses me...she says if she knew that things would be the way they were she wouldn't hesitate to be back with me. She says all of this, but her actions clearly indicate otherwise....I know actions speak louder than words....I really don't know what to do. I know she really does love me but its just so confusing. I can see her calling and apologizing to me once she realizes what is going on and she gets out of her own little world that she's currently in...she is not the same person at all that I loved for 5 years....

 

What is she thinking? What should I do? She told me she would be in town this weekend coming up....I don't feel like dealing with her anymore if she is going to treat me like this and I hate being lied to....no contact? meet with her and get some explanations?

 

 

 

update, did this this afternoon....

 

 

well...whether it was the right move or not, I just sent her a text message...

 

I basically told her that she needs to figure out what she wants in her life. I said that I love her more than anything in the world but its not fair for her to treat me like this anymore...I said when you love someone you don't treat them like this....if you are ready to go your won way without me, I respect that and all I want is for her to be honest...I said if she wanted me in her life to show me with her actions and things would be so much better....one way or the other, something has to change and that we are both too old for this...I said for her to either treat me the way she says she feels (loves and misses me) or let me move on without you...no more games....

 

hopefully this was the right choice....

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by j_nelson

eventually she said she couldn't take the fighting anymore. She was devastated........When I came back home I realized what a mistake I had made.

who dumped who here? i assume it was the girl?

Originally posted by j_nelson

What is she thinking?

she is the only person who knows what she is thinking! if you need to know - ask her. but ask yourself first if you want to know. she may not be sure herself about what she is thinking is the right thing to think (ie she is indecisive). pushing her by asking her may force her to make a decision you may not like.

 

just leave it alone now, you have told her what seem like your final thoughts in that text (how many characters do they allow in a text message over there???) now is the time to let the no-contact process kick in. you havent closed the door, you havent issued the ultimatum. just let it be now. this is the most crucial time now. if you back down and contact her again now, you can wave goodbye to the chance of ever getting her back. dont crucify yourself with thoughts about if she is with someone etc.

 

let the no-contact happen so that it will enable you to think less and less of her (it WILL by the way). time will ease your pain. you've just got to get through this crap without her help. succumb to call her and she will think of you as insecure and needy - which you are not - no-one is. we all make the mistake of appearing this way, because we do dumb things when we are in love. insecurity and neediness is something that i think all women detest, the majority of women want their men to be emotionally stronger than them.

[j_nelson]

Yes, you are right, she broke up with me....although at the time it didn't really bother me...it was pretty mutual I guess you could say....

 

Good call on the asking how she feels thing...I am just gonna wait and let that slide....I did ask her a ton of questions yesterday on the phone but she was acting really strange and wasn't answering anything....she certainly loves the games....

 

haha the text message....I sent 5 pages worth...I think something like 160 characters per page...not sure...it took a while though....

 

so you say let the no contact happen....when/if she does contact things should be interesting...until then I can't contact her again, you are right.....I definitely don't want to see needy or insecure...hopefully it isnt too late!

[miggsbucks]

the no-contact business is a way primarily for you to accept that it is over. you need to get your mind in this mode permanent and period. try to think 6 months ahead from now. do you want to be in a situation where when you look back over the last 6 months - - - you have begged and pleaded. propell yourself forward and THINK. in 6 months time from now, you will be so proud of yourself that you have proved yourself to be so so strong to your ex. (why can't there be time machines that will eradicate the hurt and grief blah blah blah)

 

you need to get into this no-contact philosophy NOW - what you MUST NOT do is think that it will work in getting back your ex. you MUST believe in the no-contact philosophy:-

 

1. Its designed to make you forget about her, and to move on.

2. It must NEVER be regarded as a way for you to cling onto hope that you guys will get back together.

3. It is going to help you ease yourself out of the need to talk with her all the time.

4. Each day that passes it gets easier - IT BLOODYWELL DOES - HONESTLY - IT DOES

5. NOTHING you will do or say will make her change her mind, so no-contact is best in this respect also.

6. Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder - try to think about the other phrase "out of sight out of mind" --- well c'mowwwwwwn people!!!! do we EVER forget the great loves of our lives???

 

no we don't!!!!! hang in there everyone - let our exes REALLY REALLY REALLY miss us!!!!!!

 

sorry - nearly forgot - j_nelson!!!!

 

she probably will be in touch, but you can't just think - just because that phone rings - that is IT! it most certainly AINT..... u know obviously - but PLEASE handle any call you get from her in a manner which tells her that you have moved on, while also showing compassion. communicate to her that you are the most fantastic guy on the planet - like the one she fell in love with, just remember the needy and insecure bit...... tell her you love her - but NEVER tell her you NEED her...... but... STICK to it, yes you've guessed it.. no contact. BUT move on and date other gals to take your mind off it...... we only have one life.... we only may ever have one love PLEASE DO NOT RUIN IT (either... maybe???????)

[Notorious]

Originally posted by dreamguy

Notorious,

 

Mate, nothing is impossible in life. Everything is feasible when you use the right approach. First you have to stop drinking. This can only be destructive for you, her and her son. You have to work on improving yourself before attempting to win her back. You have to be ready to prove you're a new man, someone who will definitely make their lives better. I'm not saying you should become a chameleon and change your entire personality. No. I'm just saying you should eliminate the bad aspects of your personality, things like drinking and sending/saying disrespectful words/emails.

You can do it ! You're already half-way there because you realized what you were doing wrong. The only thing that remains is for you to have the will/determination to work on it.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it. I did stop drinking. The pain is getting better too, I actually feel half-way human.

[j_nelson]

miggsbucks - Sounds good. Thanks a lot for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I will buy into this and follow what you say! I will let you know what her response was to my text message when/if she does write back.

[shellen]

yo fishman thanks for ur advice!

i guess ill give it two more weeks or so and if he contacting me does not wear off i'll tell him that...

kinda tired of reiterating to him how i still hope to be with him...

ive said it sooooo many times in the past...he should know it without a doubt..

 

after reading so many ppl's post it seems that all the exes have this same problem...they tell u they love u, miss u, blablabla...but never want to do anything more than paying lip service...

and how they agree to meet up but never commit to it at the end, how they never return calls when it was they who called in the first place...

everyone's experience seems all too familar...

is this THE way that dumpers act when the dumpee still hopes for reconcilation...?

is almost as if they are acting out of this common set of rules and guidelines lol...

 

but having been through the process of being consumed by heart ache and tears to now where i am able to detach myself from my ex, tho i still love him...i feel that im not the pitiful one, rather i pity my ex.

sure we as dumpees have acted desperate and needy when we were trying to persuade them to reconcile and we've been through the worst heart aches but it is only because we love our exes a lot to be willing to put ourselves through those sh*t.we were honest, open and sincere about out feelings and so what if we did not succeed in winning them back, at least we leave this whole episode with a clear conscience and knowledge that we tried everything possible and had the courage to try win them back even though we know it would bring us even more pain in the process. the dumpees on the other hand, they are still as unsure about what they want as day 1, still have not experience the essence of true love where u put the person u love before u and if and when they realize they want u back and its too late they are going to regret because they knew they had the opportunity or should i say opportunites. so we dumpees heal and grow stronger with each pain ours exes inflict upon us, whereas for our exes, it's just status quo...

 

so in summary, the dumpees really emerge as the stronger one heehee....

[kalari26267]

This is my situation at hand. I am a 29 yr. old female. I have been dating a 24 yr. old man for the past 7 months. I love him more than anything in this world. I feel that he is "the one". About 2 months ago, he broke up with. We still hung out every day and it was like we were still together. We still did everything the same like when we were together. His reason for breaking up with me is that he loves me but isn't in love with me. Well we ended up back together. This happened again, about a month later. We ended back together. I asked him to give me the summer to see if things would change (his feelings). Well last week we went to dinner and had some drinks. We started discussing everything. He told me that he loved me but still wasn't in love with me. or didnt' think he was. He said that I am about 75% of what he wants in a wife but not a 100%. He said we should start pursuing other relationships and that we could (VERY BIG) possibility get back together. he was like maybe I will come to find out you are the one I am searching for. I have two children that adore him and vice versa (kinda like a "jerry mcguire" moment...I have this great guy and he loves my kids and likes me a whole heck of a lot...lol) He wants 4 kids of his own, I have health problems when it comes to pregnancy. Not that I can't have anymore children just the first pregnancy there would be complications due to having toxemia. So he says this is an issue. Well he left that night, we talked the next two days and he came into town (he lives 1/2 hour away) we went out. I asked him if he was staying in town w/me that night. He said no. I was hurt and upset because he was pretty drunk and I felt it was stupid for him to drive all the way home at 330 am drunk. But I left. I was outside and he pulled into my driveway. he ended up staying the night. The next day I was upset so my best friend called him to see where the heck he stood when it came to me. He runs hot and cold . He told her he loves me but that he doesn't think I am the one for him. which I disagree. Maybe I am in denial. So anyways he stopped by to drop some money off he had borrowed the night before from me and told me that we shouldn't be around each other and can't be friends anymore due to the fact we have a hard time being friends since we always end up cuddling and loving on each other. at first I agreed. but now I am dying inside w/o him. I also have done something I know is wrong but I am human right. He has given me his password to everything. I have checked his phone calls on his cell and his emails. I know crappy of me but I wanted to know what is up. He is talking to other girls a lot. none are from around here though.. he hasn't lied to me when I asked him if he talks to other girls..well now he has put a n/c for a month since i have emailed him. i emailed him back and said that isnt fair to ask if hewants my friendship he needs to take it now or never. nicely though. I still haven't heard back from him this was yesterday.what should I do? I am gong crazy and I just need to know that if I am wasting my time or not? why would he say that there is a huge possibility of us re-uniting if there isn't? he is an honest guy. Please give me some insight on the male mind and how it works...thanks also, should I email him one last time to let him no that I am serious about this?

[j_nelson]

kalari26267 - You should wait. There is no sense sending him another e-mail telling him you are 'serious'. He thinks you are serious as it is since you sent him the first e-mail. Now its time to show him you are by not initiating anymore contact with him.

 

It sounds as though he is unsure of his feelings for you (75%, not 100% - telling your friend you aren't the one). Maybe he is afraid of comittment? Maybe he has interest in dating other people? Regardless of what it is, you have to give him the space and hope he comes back...in the meantime, do your own thing and keep busy!

[j_nelson]

Alright...so a lot of people seem to like this no contact philosophy....I've had other ppl (friends of my ex) and some of my friends too who say that if I really love her, while I shouldn't initiate contact, I shouldn't NOT see her.....basically they say to not call her, not send her e-mails or text msgs etc., but if she does call or text to not sound too excited or get hopes up, but agree to see her - to be the guy she loved and show her I am doing well.....I think this may be a good strategy also....mostly no contact, just a little when/if she initiates.....

 

so...when/if things get to the point where we agree to see each other again, what should happen physically? Every other time we have been together or seen each other this summer, it was like we were together...there really weren't any boundries....maybe that's part of the reason why things still haven't gotten better, I don't know....I do know that when we saw each other this summer, everything felt right....we both acted as though we hadn't broken up...one day we were together she joked about being my gf 'for the day'....

[Stringfellow]

It has been 3 weeks now and I have not heard anything from my X, I keep going through my mind what i did wrong, what could I have not done, the only thing that keeps popping into my mind is that we argued about once every 3 weeks and it was about how I was feeling insecure in the relationship. She once said "why dont you make me a list so I know what it is you want from me" but I did not do that becasue I knew that was not what she wanted, she then said Why dont you just move in with me and then you will have the security you want and I will just have to deal with my feelings" I did not becasue I knew that was not what she really wanted, her actions were speaking louder than her words, I still hurt vey bad and this is driving me insane. I can only remember her telling the minister " I know i wont find a better man than Steve" 2 weeks later, and we are broke up,

 

I just dont understand, I want to call, but I have not yet, HELP me please!!!!!!

[fishman3226]

Shellen and all.

 

I had an inetersting thing happen to me yesterday.

 

I went in my workplace upstairs where my ex works (I had meeting) and I walked past the ex (she did not see me.)

 

I dd not feel love, or sadness or anger. All I saw was someone I used to feel for that I no longer need to have back.

 

OK, I am nearly seven months post relationsip woth this woman, but the fact remains that I am a better person from all of this. I have new friends, better job, am fitter, play in a band, have a new gf, etc - yet she is sitting there doing the same mundane job day in day out.

 

What I am trying to say is this - I dont need her, like alot of you dont need your ex. They dont want to be with you it is there loss. They come back trying to stake a claim on their lost control of you - they know what you offer and miss it. But for some reason they are not capable of admitting to themselves there own mistake and making that little step back toward you.

 

Thee people (with you, maybe with everyone) arew not capable of a serious relationship. You want it - they dont or cant. You did nothing wrong at all in loving them, though they did wrong in abusing that faith you had in them.

 

I know you miss them - I know you want them - but are you loving them or longing for them? What is it you are really missing? Their company? Or the company of someone in general? Do you really want someone that would treat you like that in your life longterm? Is that the example you want to show your children? Would you trust them to protect and nurture your heart long term?

 

Answer the questions truthfully to yourself - not me nor anyone else.

[miggsbucks]

string,

 

3 weeks isn't a great deal of time. i've heard people say on here the ex's get back in touch within 6-8 weeks of no-contact. but dont bank on that either, i'd go as far to say 3 months - especially when insecurities were displayed.

 

you have to remember that this pain will go away. and it will be easier and faster if you stay out of contact. how many times have you read posts on here by people wishing they hadn't got in touch again with their dumpers.

 

remember also that "no news is good news". you will feel much much worse if you drag it all up again by contacting her. let your fear of her confirming your worst fears prevent you from contacting her.