No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[beautiful]

Guys Guys Guys.....please. When is enough .....enough? All I am seeing here is precious time wasted on females that are just nor worth it. What energy you all must put in to play these games with these females.

 

Why not use that to meet a woman that is worth your time? There are many women out here that would not even dream of such games.

 

Please have some self respect and love to know that you are worth so much more in this life.

 

I read about men all over the Internet that are looking for their so called soul mate. Than they turn around and meet these looser females and are so involved in this bad drama that they loose total control over what is real.

 

As long as you play the "GAME" you are involved with this ex! Period end of ?!!!

 

An ex is an ex for a reason. Yes it hurts to loose someone however life does go on and there is so much to live for guys!

 

No contact, contact, rubbish! END IT! Right now! Say to yourself I am worth being with a healthy minded and loving woman. Take care of your life , be sincerely busy and happy. Each day is such a blessing. Each day we on this earth is not ours to live but your HP. He decides what will happen on that day.

 

So use this day to make yourself happy instead of being so involved in an ex. It is very important to find out WHY...YOU .....want to be with someone that plays such horrible games? FIX THAT! and move on to a healthy relationship.

 

I am not saying this this is just a guy issue , NO! There are plenty of women out there behaving in the same destructive way.

 

Think about this OK.........................she leaves , she cheats, she ignores , she plays mind games, she manipulates .....................would you please explain to me what any of this has to do with love? and why you would love someone that would do such awful things to you? (I am not saying she did , I am speaking in general)

 

BTW when I say YOU I mean that very IN GENERAL!

 

I am a smart, beautiful single woman. Single by choice for now. I would not treat a man or any other human being in such shameful ways. I am amazed what I read on here and it is simply mind blowing.

 

So to all you guys that are still playing the EX GAMES....do yourself a favor and really truly know that you are worth being loved and respected. You are a man not a wimp! There are women out there that truly love and respect good guys, I am one of those women.

 

I tell you one thing, there isen't a man alive that would play games with me like this, why? because I love myself and I respect myself as a woman and I carry myself the same way. If I felt for one second that a man would disrespect me and want to mis treat me I would put him in his place and immediately remove myself out of his life.

 

I truly believe that if you allow another person to treat you badly and you still stick around, you are giving the message that " oh you can do whatever you want and I still love you and I still be here".

 

When someone breaks up with you, let them go. Think very hard before you want to take them back! Most of the time it won't work out once a break has been made. One will always live in the fear of when the other needs a so called "break again"

 

Let's talk about "a break" for a moment. A break from what? It is an excuse that cowards use instead of saying honestly, I do not want to be with you anymore.

 

Why would I need a break from a guy that I love? I need a break from work so I can go on a vacation with my guy. I have lunch breaks:-). EXCUSES !

 

Is that any way to live and to be loved? I think not !

 

Again, there are exceptions to the rules. Once you do go back, make very sure it is for the right reasons and in most cases a counselor is needed to get to the root of the original problem.

 

Remember that a woman who loves you and respect you, will not treat you in any way with such dis respect.

 

I do believe that a couple should always maintain to be individuals and follow their individual goals. One must be able to not give up their own individual interests. How wonderful and healthy of a concept for 2 people that are truly in love and understand the ways of a healthy relationship.

 

Your relationship is only as healthy as YOU ARE!

 

Now give yourself a break and enjoy life.

 

Huggs to all the guys out there hurting right now. It is going to be Al-right only if you make it Al-right!

[fishman3226]

I completely concur beautiful. Once you are on the other side of the 'tunnel' you will see how much light there really is.

[meanttolive4ever]

well my ex hasnt called me or anything but he did run into my friend yesterday. He said that he was going out with me and my ex got PISSED and stormed out. What exactly does that mean? does he still have feelings for me?

[dreamguy]

beautiful,

Your post is simply beautiful. Like fishman, I'm already on the other side of the tunnel since I specifically told my ex on Saturday that I cannot be her friend anymore. Of course, it hurts to feel you will never talk to that someone you once loved so much, it cuts so deep to know you will never hold them in your arms again. But it's reality and once you get to the other side of the tunnel then you realize that you should live "what is" not "what you wish would be".

Besides, I don't know if she'll call in a month or two. I don't even know if I'll answer when/if she calls.

meanttolive4ever,

He certainly feels something for you however it might not be the strong Love you feel for him. Keep on going out and having fun with that friend but be careful not to make the same mistakes you once did.

[nikkicam71]

Beautiful,

 

I think most of us on this thread have already reached the point where we've told the "Ex" that we can't be friends...I myself am a woman, but I don't think gender really matters. For me, mine didn't really treat me like ****. He knew his distance/withdrawl was hurting me and it hurt him to hurt me. He needed to find himself, figure out what is going on with him and where he wants to go with his life. Unfortunately, we ALL go thru this process at some point in life...and muddling thru the emotional levels of a relationship is a normal process as well. When one person reaches a point where he/she has confusion, life issues, uncertainty, etc, it is inevitable that the individual who is NOT suffering similar angst might get hurt.

 

Human beings are developmental...not just physically, but emotionally. We vacillate between certainty and human fallibility. Have you never questioned your emotions or your decisions? If your answer is no, I would have to say that I wouldn't believe you.

 

Not everyone sets out to hurt another person when they end a relationship. Sometimes it just happens. Not everyone WANTS to make mistakes or second guess their decisions...but sometimes, as human beings, we make the WRONG decisions. It's called growth...maturity and experience guide us as we make progress, helping us avoid those same self-destructive patterns and mistakes.

 

Life is full of gray...not just in relationships, but in general. If we all held those we cared about to a certain rigid standard, our personal relationships would ALL be transitory...that includes our relationships with family and friends as well.

 

Certainly, we should always respect ourselves first. Absolutely, we should honor our own sense of self-worth and dignity. I will NEVER be someone's doormat. But I have cared for many in my life who have made significant mistakes. After the fact, it is up to me to discern whether that person has enough value in my life to work thru the mistake toward forgiveness...whether or not I want to salvage the relationship is an entirely personal decision...and in NO way does it demean me if I choose to do so. Similarly, it does not diminish my character if I choose to forgive, but in doing so I walk away and move on.

 

We are all on this thread for support...I don't know that I would say advice, because most of us seem to be in the same boat. It is nice to hear other perspectives, opinions, but there is no magic answer. Not one of us holds a crystal ball. I just don't think we should judge one another, nor should we discourage posters from venting or expressing their sorrow, confusion and/or indecision. That's what this forum is for.

 

Just my humble opinion.

 

~Nikki

[dreamguy]

nikkicam71,

A totally different opinion but equally "beautiful".

[fishman3226]

I agree nikkicam71 - I suppose it comes down to the maturity emotionally of the person that is inflicting the walking upon of the 'doormat.'

 

I agree about what you say - I will never again be someone's doormat when it comes to me loving them. If they dont want it then "seeya later!!" I have only "X" amount of time on this little world and hell, if I waste my time on the rifraff then I will get no where near my ultimate destination in life.

 

As a human, I am capable of loving, but I am also capable of feeling pain. They want to inflict pain upon me then I dont want to know them. Why should I? I am better than that.

 

I know within me that I could have done my bit to make the relationship with the ex work, but if she dont want it then it is her problem - not mine at all. I will love someone else - maybe not as deeply and openly and probably more protective of me - but I WILL love again. Like I said in a previous post, I am now out of the tunnel and see the light in front.

 

I know she will regret it and one day fgo 'oops.... what DID I do?' but it is no longer my issue. Maybe I will get back, but i dont believe i will. Hell, I aint going to try. She dont deserve someone as good as me to be honest until she can grow up and be more mature emotionally.

 

I LOOK AFTER ME!

[liberty66]

nikkicam71

 

Great post. I should link this as a reply to the last two "you're wrong for going back to the ex" posts in my "I slept with my ex" thread. You made a lot of good points. Thanks for the insight.

[buckenut]

Ok the hardest thing I had to do i n my life, but I know it is best for me. I am in the same situation as RD1978 almost and all the contact is killing me, so I wrote her a letter saying what I needed to say. Please post your thoughts...

 

-----------------------------------------------The Letter--------------------------------------------------------

 

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible, but what I am saying I have to say. It has been nice talking to you and seeing you on the weekends, but like I have told you before I can not be your friend. My feelings for you were way too strong just to be casual friends. I truly loved you with all my heart, and me allowing myself to be your friend is just a slap in my face. I have never settled for second best and I am not going to start to do it. I have made my feelings for you be known very clearly and you have let me know that is not how you feel about me. It is obvious what I have to offer you is not good enough or what you want so in order for me to fully move on without you I need this space to be able to find that person who will love me equally as much for what I have to offer. Basically what I am saying is unless you have something to say about us, I do not want to be a part of it. All the contact just gives me hope that maybe someday we can work things out and that you still care, but it is obvious that it is false hope and I am not going to live my life holding on to something that I can never have. It is sooo frustrating having no clue what you think about me or us, it drives me crazy. You have not said either way so the only thing I know from your actions is that you do not love me and do not want to ever be with me, so I have to do this for myself.

 

I am truly glad you are enjoying your life and getting out more and experiencing things that you felt you were missing. I want you to know that I never tried to hold you back from these things. I am glad you are realizing how beautiful you are, and it hurts hearing about other guys hitting on you, but at the same time I am happy because you never had a lot of self confidence in yourself. I tried all the time to tell you how great you were, but maybe you need to hear it from someone else to believe it. I have no idea what you are looking for in life or what you are trying to find but I hope you find it, but look hard because often times these things in life are not found in bars or clubs or by people who spend all their free time there. I pray to god every night that you do not get hurt, but I know I need to stop caring so this is my last piece of advice for you.

 

-------------------------------------------End Of Letter------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That post by beautiful got me thinking... I am not second tier... I have a lot to offer and regardless as to why she broke up I need to move on. No more games, you don't take breaks from love.... you just don't. I am a good man, and I will meet that perfect lady for me that will show me that good guys do not have to finish last. Part of me feels sad and sick, but the other part makes me feel good.

[jw32802]

buckenut you sound like such a great guy

how old are you? what happened/

[HoldOn]

Hey nikkicam, I haven't read this whole thread, but I wanted to respond to some things... You definitely made some good points, but... You said:

 

Not everyone sets out to hurt another person when they end a relationship. Sometimes it just happens.

 

I'll have to say I disagree. Perhaps my ex didn't mean to rip my heart out and tear it up into little pieces, but he LET it happen! Yeah, maybe he was beaten as a child or never had any love from his daddy, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. If he's not smart enough to treat me well, then he's not worth my time. Too bad it took me 3 years and countless break ups to let him go!

 

Have you never questioned your emotions or your decisions? If your answer is no, I would have to say that I wouldn't believe you.

 

Of course everyone will sometimes question their emotions, but the difference is some people don't drag their S.O.s through the mud while they do it. "Oh, I am feeling confused, so I'll just forget about your feelings and leave you hanging while I find myself."

 

A person shouldn't be in a relationship at all if they're not stable!

[liberty66]

Nikicam said "not everyone" That's the key phrase there. You're ex doesn't fall into that category. There are those that screw up, and there are those that do like to hurt others. You can't throw them all in the same pigpen.

[HoldOn]

No, I understand that she said "not everyone." I am disagreeing and saying that a person can't hurt you "on accident." Ooops, I was being a jerk and look what happened... You were hurt! I can't believe it!

 

I am saying that if a person hurts you, even if it wasn't exactly on purpose, they still let it happen.

 

You can break up with someone without being a jerk. It is possible.

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by HoldOn

 

 

A person shouldn't be in a relationship at all if they're not stable!

 

or if theyre not sure of themselves and or know what they want...i went through that...

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by dreamguy

meanttolive4ever,

He certainly feels something for you however it might not be the strong Love you feel for him. Keep on going out and having fun with that friend but be careful not to make the same mistakes you once did.

 

he hasnt called but i did get a call on my cell at about 5 yesterday morning from a no number..so i dont know if it was him or not...i just think its hilarious

[jw32802]

Meanttolive

 

how long was no contact? you think it was him? what did it say on the phone? i keep getting calls that just say the word "call" on my cell.......if it is blocked doesnt it it say ;private"?

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by jw32802

Meanttolive

 

how long was no contact? you think it was him? what did it say on the phone? i keep getting calls that just say the word "call" on my cell.......if it is blocked doesnt it it say ;private"?

 

 

its been about 2 months since no contact..but we've been broke up for 5 months...it might have been him but i dont know...it says private number calling and i didnt get to pick it up but when i have before noone was there.

[jw32802]

hmm is there anyone else who calls you like that?

[meanttolive4ever]

nope and when i tried to call his apt it said that the number had been changed...so i uno if its him or not..but if it is why not say anything? just sit there..so he can hear my voice? wtf

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by jw32802

hmm is there anyone else who calls you like that?

 

well except my home cause its a private number anyway...but i would know if it was my mom or not...and when i get these calls im always at home

[fishman3226]

Bucklenut, you have done the right thing. Even if she says no, then you hve your resolution.

 

Sucks hard, but it is what needs to be done. You look after you.

[miggsbucks]

Dreamguy!

 

PLEASE STOP GOING TO THAT BEACH!!!!!!!!!!

 

are you still hopeful about your ex? what the heck is going on? you started this post saying no contact does work. but it seems to me that you've done exactly the opposite, by being available to her EVERY WEEK at the swimming pool!

 

f*** your membership at the beach club!! jeez! its like watching a soap opera this and time and time again i read about you passing her as you go get your stuff from the lockers, and we're all watching this in aghast about you being near her every single week.

 

MAN!!.... what is this no contact business all about? i honestly thought that no contact was all about making your ex feel as though you were totally absent from their life, in order to let them miss you. But you are still playing into her hands all the time. I hate to sound brutless, i know your cut up about this girl - but you did start this forum by giving us all hope - giving us this picture perfect textbook explanation of the no contact policy. But i have almost found myself in tears watching your plight.

 

Every time you walk past her you are just going against everything you said from the start. Goddamit.. I really hope and pray that she comes back to you begging you back. I've been checking this post every week hoping that happens. You gave us all hope Dreamguy... stop letting the side down... stop going to that goddam beach club!! she'll wonder where the heck you are.

[fishman3226]

I kind of agree here but at the same time why should dreamguy forgoe his membership and so on? All he has to do (and it will show some strength and courage) is to politely say 'hi' ONLY if spoken to first and then keep walking. I have a similar thing where my ex is in the same building - i walked right on by last night chatting with a mate and did not even look at her.

 

Petty?? Nope, just me trying to forget how i feel - or at least not enforce the feeling i still have.

 

Dreanguy has to take control and basically say that he is in charge now. Just 'walk on by' so to speak.

[jw32802]

I agree also in a way

 

Even though he needs to use this membership, she is still getting her "fix" of him and really isnt experiencing life w/ out him. See, what she is doing , is she is going there w/ the idea that HE IS GOING THERE FOR HER, so her head might be a little too big as well. the second he stops going, she will be like "where the hell is he?"

 

I agree u should stop going there.

[dreamguy]

miggsbucks, jw32802 and fishman,

 

I'm certainly not going to the beach because she is there and I won't stop going there because of her.

I have been going to that place for the last 3 years (even before I met her last year) and I have plenty of friends there. My feelings for her will not dictate my life in any way ! I will enjoy this summer just like I had planned.

 

I have changed a lot ever since I started this thread on June the 22th because my ex said a lot of things during the period ranging from June 22th to July 14th.

 

First, of all she made it clear that she isn't convinced about her decision to leave me and it wasn't hers (she said "No we didn't break up. It's not like I woke up one day and I decided I didn't want to see you anymore but it's just that whenever I did what I wanted I mostly ended up being wrong so now I'm doing what my family suggested." she also said "You know, ever since I left you I keep thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life.")

 

Second, I was certain she was still as confused as ever because, when I proposed that we should meet for coffee, she gracefully declined saying she still liked me a lot and she was not ready to see me as she couldn't control her feelings. She also said her current bf (formerly her ex) was very jealous. So staying in touch with her (even as a friend) is not going to help her get over her confusion. On the contrary, I would be giving her the emotional support she needs to get over ME without feeling guilt and loss.

 

Third, she called on June 22th then again on June 25th. After that I called her a few times. So she stopped calling because I made the mistake of giving in too fast ! This is exactly why I called her on Saturday July 17th and told her that I'd prefer we stop all contact (even on the beach) because it was obvious we couldn't act as friends when we both still had feelings for each other. Still, she couldn't help but look at me and say "hi" the next day on Sunday July 18th. She just doesn't want to cut all contact with me but I will do it in the hope it will indirectly force her to be clear about what she wants. You don't know what you have until it's GONE and I was never "gone" from her life until last Saturday. Now the real thing begins and she will start to lose control until she finds herself compelled to choose: Her current bf (formerly her ex) or me ! If she picks him then so be it, she would do me a favor because I would know she isn't the one for me as she gave up on me this early in the relationship. Better now than when we're married with a couple of kids who shouldn't have to pay for anyone's indecisiveness and wavering.

 

So you see, I'm not in a dilemma at all and I'm not even in a bad shape

There is no plight here and please don't be in tears.

Contrary to what you think I'm just fine. I'm not depressed and I'm certainly not feeling down.

Yes, I admit it, I have had a few doubts during the first couple of days after I decided to stop all contact with her but I'm still the same guy who started this thread. You can bet on it !

It's just that, like everyone else, I made the mistake of caving in too quickly and now I'm repairing it by cutting all contact once again for good until she calls this time... if she calls. She just has to understand I will NOT be toyed with !! If she can't understand that and show me the respect I deserve then I don't want her as my partner for life.