buckenut Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 This is what she wrote back in an email...... Wow, I'm sorry then. I thought we could be friends but I guess I was wrong. I will always love you. I won't contact you anymore. And I got a text message saying... I still have some of your clothes. I will return them this week and be out of your life forever Gretchen. Well as one poster said the pill might be hard to swallow, but I have my answers... I feel like puking I am so sad, but having some real solid answers is worth it. One on my close friends just told me that she is replying to the letter the only way she knows how to right now. it sounds like she is upset. That was not the purpose of the letter. Can I get someone elses take on it please... Thank you so much in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 no contact means not seeing, talking to or BEING AROUND. I am CERTAIN that this beach you go to is NOT the only beach available to you. I know, b/c I've done what you're doing. You're using your pride as an excuse to defend being in the same place at the same time, thus ensuring CONTACT...interaction, be it visual, audial, or otherwise... WALK AWAY FROM HER. Go to another beach. Meet different girls at that beach. Allow yourself the freedom of reliefe and PEACE OF MIND...KNOWING that she won't be there when you go to relax. If your friends are really your friends, they will visit you where you are. If they aren't, you've learned more from this separation than the ins and outs of your personal relationship. Just my opinion... ~Nikki Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamguy Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 It's not the only beach available to me but I paid a big sum of money as a membership from 1st of June to 30th of September 2004. I am NOT using my pride to justify/defend anything. I am not even sitting close to her. I'm so far away (on the other end of an olympic swimming pool) that she would have to come all the way to say "hi" and that's what she's doing. Besides, as I already said, I only bump into her once a week or so. Thanks for your concern and I know you have a point when you say that she should not see me at all but I'm not going to another beach where I don't know anybody just to avoid her and make her feel she misses me. She has already tried to mess up my summer when she broke up with me, I won't let her ruin it by refraining from going to that beach where I know everybody. Oh and by the way, I am meeting other girls at the beach. In fact, she has already seen me talking to two girls last week. So you see, I am not hung up on her at all. It just happens that I met her there last summer and we're both still going there this summer. I think she'll stop going to that beach in mid-august (that's what she did last year). So I'll won't see her for the rest of the summer (about 1.5 months). Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I had tonight my ex contact me to finalise some forms for thew place we shared - I fobbed er of - at the moment I dont want to see her - I am tire dan dsick of all the rubbish. She rang me and basically complained about thing. I pointed out she never once has respected nor believed in me so why should I make any real effort. She says she wants to have some civility and maturity in the situation but she also stated she thinks I am a great guy then basically says she chose the decision to not get back....??!??! What the? I said to her that the reason she has this decision is that she could not make a decision at all so I chose for her. I told her all i wanted to do was love her and hold her in my arms and make her world good. I believe she was crying when I told her this. Too bad. I told her I love her and that I deserve better. She said she wants to still stay in touch but I pointed out she will continue to lead me on. She said she would not. I am sick of this rot - it really screws with my mind. I have to look after me I know, but man..... Link to post Share on other sites
asilisa Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I kinda see what you are saying, but not everyone can bounce back so fast. I am so sick of hearing that I am too young and all that other stuff. I seriously pray like every day that I won't have to deal with pain anymore. But when someone is telling you they love you and are so happy you are with them, and then the next day they are breaking up with you -- it hurts. People deal with pain differently. I don't agree with chasing your ex either, because it only brings more pain. But there are some days when I wake up and I think, God will I ever love someone like I loved him? It really isn't fair to love him like this. I know its sucky to think that way because other people have it so much worse, and thats what I try to remember. At least I had him while I did. It still hurts. I give up hope, well for the ex anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 dreamguy, I certainly hope you didn't make up the quote in your signature. It's a little presumptuous to assume that women who are not socially considered attractive have low egos and somehow need you to build up their self-esteem, just as it is to assume that women who are socially considered attractive need to be broken down or care about having someone else build them up. It's all a lot of psycho-babble. I have a friend, for example, who is slightly overweight, has mousy hair and glasses, and yet has her choice of any man she wants because she knows she's an incredible woman, and I have another friend who's stunningly beautiful and yet doesn't believe anything good about herself. But then, I'm just a psychologist, so what do I know? Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Actually, i find the opposite true I find that girls who are gorgeous have the LOWEST self esteem and girls who are average or less gorgeous have the greatest self esteem. I have found this to be true 99% of the time! My best friend is the most gorgeous girl i have ever seen, and guys fall all over her but she cannot hold a boyfriend for too long and i think alot of it is because of her low self esteem. When the 2 of us go out, they start talking to her but in the end they are all talking to me because i am a confident person and know how to get along with people. (im not ugly, im pretty but not as gorgeous as her). I find that pretty people are so used to having to look good that their whole personality turns into trying to look good and the times they are turned down crush them SO MUCH MORE because they are so used to being thought of as so perfect. The not-so-hot girls are used to not being drooled over as much so they can take criticism better . that is what i have found Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamguy Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 No I didn't make up that quote. I found it on the Internet. Besides, since you're a psychologist as you say, shouldn't you view opinions from a more general perspective. Nowhere in the quote does it say that this refers to women. If you want, we can discuss this quote on a new thread since it is beyond the scope of this one. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 BUt dreamguy i do understand what you are saying I think you are trying to say that the not so pretty girls are very special people and deserve to be complimented; and it is funny how the most gorgeous girl will always go after the guys that treat them like crap, even when they can have a nice guy. I think everyone is like that a little bit, we all like the bad boys lol Link to post Share on other sites
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by dreamguy Besides, since you're a psychologist as you say, shouldn't you view opinions from a more general perspective. Sure, if I'm getting paid to do so and asked to do so. All other times, I'm still a human being with my own opinions. And I maintain my point, although the reason for me saying women specifically is because they have a tendency to be the ones with self esteem issues. I'm not really interested in starting a new thread about it. I was just curious as to who made up that quote. I think all people should be treated with kindness, and no one should assume what someone feels about him/herself. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Or the thrill of a chase... bad boys don't surrender to the beauty so this makes them more interesting to some women. Also I do agree that all women,regardless of how hot ot not they might be, have this sense, this attraction to jerks. I don't know why, but it is there. Always. Sometimes it revolves to the surface, other times it's just there. Some women give in to it, other don't. Add ego, lots of ego to this mix (mind you, I said nothing of self esteem !!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I just sat there at my desk and looked out my window - my ex (who dont want me in her life) was standing there (mind you I am on level one, she is out front of the building) looking up at me and smiling waving at me and being a goose. Flirting is the word for it. Either she is missing me and wont admit her feelings or she is just an outrageous person who has no respect for me and being malicious. Man, I want her to leave my work building. I lovwe her but I want her gone. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 She's trying to make amends. -or- She's trying to be just friends. I doubt ultimate evil plays into it. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I disagree. I think all ex's are evil. I believe my ex is the devil. Beelzebub, all dressed up in a swarthy physique and a stunning countenance. They say the devil is the embodiment of all of our secret, most forbidden desires...everything we want, but can't have unless we betray ourselves and sell our souls....MY EX!!! Why not yours too?? I'm working on a manuscript titled, "Death of the Stinky Fishman". 101 ways and methods to kill your ex (hehehe). Fun putting on paper what you've longed to do each time you're angry or hurting. I predict it will be a HUGE bestseller...you all will buy a copy won't you? Help put me on the Times Best Seller list?? So, I went to the DMB concert last night w/ my friend, Bonnie. LOVE DMB. The day that I bought the tix, my ex's sis said, "Isn't D going to that concert?" NOOOOOO!! He has no friends that like DMB...he knows I LOVE DMB...he took me to a concert for our second date, burned me a CD, etc. So I go like, "...so what? I don't care!" Bullsh*t! So later his sister tells me that D is taking another girl, a friend of his older sister's....oh, but they're "just friends".....YEAH! So not only was I PLAGUED by memories of our second date last night, memories of all of the things we did and how much the music reminded me of "us", I was hella paranoid...kept thinking that fate was going to kick me in the teeth and out of the HUNDREDS of people sitting on the lawn at the concert, I would run into him, WITH HER....and I would melt into a puddle of humiliation right there on the proverbial hill. I did NOT run into him and her. Thanks be to God! But "knowing" he was there, with another girl, probably kanoodling...to OUR sexy music, when the last time he was at a DMB concert it was with me....was killing me. He was there, I was there...we weren't there together. Because he doesn't want to be with me ouchouchouchouch. I cried myself to sleep last night. Damn, I'd been doing so well. Today is day 20, No Contact. I told him not to call unless he missed me and wanted to see me. We will never speak again. keep your collective chin up for me today, kids. I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this damn water in my eyes. ~Nikki Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Well yeah Nikki, your ex is the devil. Link to post Share on other sites
Matteye Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Sounds like you might just know what you are talking about What do you think?My Story Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 nikkicam71, its no wonder the love shack are looking for a new server - i've seen the same post in sid3's "how long is considered to be... no contact etc" hey check out my post number 210 (page 14) - on this thread, no-one's commented on it yet after you read it... think of this quote i once read somewhere (was prob on this site):- "if you are not with the person you love, then love the person you are with" Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Fishman, I missed alot in the String, I went back to page 15. You are either very strong or wish you were very strong. I have found I do very well when my wife is not around. She goes to camp with my kids, I miss my kids and not her obly for the fact I know what she has done to me. But then she comes home. I miss her when she is in front of me. I have no real choice if I want to have a good day to day relation with my kids. She has all the perks. Home all day. Her hobby is to work out everyday. She is with the kids all day if she want. She can go play and cheat all day if she want. She gets the kids if I go cheat, She gets the kids if I get tired of her ways. She get majority of the money with 4 kids at home still. So guys and gals, we need to start dealing with the good stuff and the bad stuff instead of giving up and thinking it's greener elsewear. There will always be some one out there will to give you attention. There will always be someone out there that is handsome or prettier. Start talking to your spouses and find the interest back that brought you too together. My wide is in denial, She beleives in deception and blaming anyone close to her not just me. I married her because I love her and still do. I cvan't make her love me so I must live in a world without passion so I may live somewhat a normal life. Wrong forum for this, Just needed to spill off a while long weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamguy Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 I wish to update everyone on this thread about my situation and I'd also like to admit I made a mistake of not respecting the no contact procedure (my ex was the first to call but I started calling her on a regular basis after that). I'm on the right track again, no more contact from my side, for good this time. I still believe "no contact" when someone has dumped you is mainly used to heal yourself until your pain goes away. But I have to stress that it is also used to make your ex miss you (in case they still have feelings for you and something else than their lack of feelings forced them to break up with you). This is exactly my case. My ex left me because her family and her friend kept on nagging and telling her that I'm from a different nationality and I'm more educated and I have a very strong personality... stronger than she can handle, yada yada yada... So they eventually got to her and she was scared of all this. She broke up with me to take the pressure off herself. She told me "I'm not happy but I'm relaxed". Almost 3 weeks went by with absolutely no contact (we didn't even see each other). Then she called twice in the same week. Then I started messing up !! Why ? Because I called her back many many times and I even asked to see her once. She declined saying she still had a lot of feelings for me and couldn't see me face to face. But I kept acting as a friend, although I made sure NEVER to mention my feelings for her and never to talk about us and/or the past after we broke up. The thing is, she stopped calling when she realized I was doing all the chasing (by chasing I mean just calling to say hi and chat for a few minutes) !! The situation remained like that for 1 month until I got fed up (after seeing her with her old bf on the beach on a Sunday) and I called her last Saturday (1 week ago) to tell her we cannot be friends anymore. To my surprise she acted in a way she had never done before and she said things she had never said before. She was shaken and troubled. She said "you're really the best person I have been with" and she also said "ever since I left you I keep wondering every day if it's the biggest mistake I have ever made !". Today, 1 week has passed and I haven't contacted her. I probably won't call her at all. I know she will call even if she waits for months before doing so. I'm certain she will do it because I haven't wronged or mistreated her in any way during 8 months of a great relationship and I know she still harbors strong feelings for me, even today. Although I still deeply love her, I felt I had to do what I did because (getting back to the subject of this thread) no contact does work and it's the only way to make someone who is confused sort out their feelings for you and decide that you're the one they want in their life. When the going gets tough... the tough get going. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Dreamguy your right, Some of the readers feel this is a game, but it's what every girl will tell you. I need some space. When a guy does it your playing games. You need to decide, in the process cassually date. If she calls first you need to end the conversation first. Not to be mean. You are showing you are in control with your feelings, she will wonder why you ended. She will decide you are playing games or pusue you, then you have a hard decision. She may settle down with you. Too many relatioships start at a young age then they have comparissons, thats male and female./ Then they try to find the person that meets all the needs. The other problem is close friends. they tell there friends what they want to hear . Not what they need to hear. Another problem guys talk to females and female talk to guys. They are all viaing for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I need help/advice. My resolve is HELLA cracking...I can feel my self-determination breaking down. I posted under another thread, so I'm going to paste the link here (I double posted a few days ago...as a relatively new user I didn't realize it was a huge NO-NO! I upset some people and don't want to make the same mistake...sorry Miggs!) PLEASE take a min and maybe give me some advice? Thanks so much! ~Nikki http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43871/ Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Nikki, I went back and read a couple, I did not go back too 210. I did not see anything that bad for anyone to get down on you. It's obvious you are hurting. I am tired so today I may not be so tactfull. We all have opinions, the only ones I don't like are the ones that tell me I am wrong. Mine are observations that fit what I observed. Your opinions are either what you observe or feel , that does not make you wrong. So keep up the good work and work on your healing, I am working on mine and thats why I am here. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Nikki, this is the same as double posting. Your trolling in other threads for answers. Not good. Not every post gets an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 lostinchigo, wow...it would seem that this forum isn't quite as helpful as I thought..I've read several threads by the same members, in various places. just trying to figure out what the "protocol" was...didn't mean to offend anyone. read several posts, repetitive posts, to be entirely honest, by the same people. I still try to stay objective and helpful. thought that was what we were all here for. will try at this point to just read and post responsive posts. not in the mood to keep being bashed for reaching out cuz I'm going thru it too. I got the message, chicago. thanx. btw...wasn't "trolling" other posts...I read all of them. it would seem to me that there are alot of people out there hurting. where they choose to post doesn't make a difference to me. IMHO, we're all in the same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 nikki, i was just teasing, its not a huge no-no double posting at all i read your thread you pasted the link into here. you are handling the situation perfectly. the no-contact has to continue. its the only way you will find out the answers you want. yes we all doubt no-contact. but it really is the best way. but NC should not be regarded as a policy to try and get your ex back. it needs to be regarded as a way for you to move on from a relationship that has ended. NC does make your ex think about you more. i believe that out of the two quotes:- "absence makes the heart grow fonder" "out of sight, out of mind" they both are relevant. but look at them again..... what part of the body does each quote relate to, and which one matters more where love is concerned??? Link to post Share on other sites
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