No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[nikkicam71]

Thanks, Miggs

 

Very nice point, BTW...and appropriate. I started the NC b/c I didn't have a choice in the breakup...and he clearly wasn't "ready" to try and work things out, so getting him back wasn't really an option. I didn't initiate NC to try and make him come back, but still, a large part of me hopes that he might. However, I'd feel the same if we were talking every day.

 

Eventually, I will probably crack and call him. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him in it. It hurts almost as much as it did being "friends." The only thing that keeps me from contacting him is the idea of hearing/finding out about his current dating situation. It's too soon for me to be able to handle that. It would absolutely decimate me.

 

I'm doing my best to move on...I've been on a few dates with someone else, at this point I guess we're hanging out/dating. I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and move forward. If I can just make it until law school starts, I will probably be too busy at that point to even think about D. Okay, maybe not, but a girl can hope!

 

~Nikki

[miggsbucks]

don't crack, and don't call, just try to stop thinking about him. it will get easier as time goes by. but i am certain that at some point he will try to contact you. if you are having trouble getting him off your mind, then have a think about how you will respond if and when he does get in touch. i would strongly advise you to ignore his first attempt at contact, and maybe his second. it will drive him crazy. it will get him wondering more and more.

 

i know you will think of this as a game. but it isn't, you will be acting with your own interests at heart. you have to be strong.

 

i responded to an IM from my ex (which broke contact of 2 weeks) about 3 days after she sent it. i sent her a reply when she was online, and really wish i hadn't now, because not only had i undone all the good work i had made on myself - it probably made her realise she could provoke a reaction whenever she feels like it. and thats a bad thing.

 

law school seems like a good deadline for you cos by then you as you say you will be too busy to think about him

[nikkicam71]

Originally posted by miggsbucks

but i am certain that at some point he will try to contact you. if you are having trouble getting him off your mind, then have a think about how you will respond if and when he does get in touch.

 

While I'd really like to hold onto that hope, I asked him to call if he missed me and wanted to see me, if he wanted to see where things might go with us...D won't call "just to say hi." He already did that....and I told him it was hurting me too much. He also left the door open by telling me to plz call him if I am ever okay with being friends. So I think that probably he will wait and hope that I will call him. He won't call me up b/c in his brain it would be some sort of unstated committment....an unspoken desire to work things out. Hence, I've shot myself in the foot Unintentionally...but that psychological barrier is there, nonetheless.

 

I don't think that you've made a mistake by responding to her IMs...but you'd only been out of contact for two weeks? Who initiated NC? How long have you been broken up? Did she do the breaking up?

 

~Nikki

[miggsbucks]

she broke up with me june 16th, i sent her an email accepting this and that i would let her get on with her life, and that I would try and get on with mine. i have practised no contact to her ever since, and the first IM she sent was to wish me happy birthday a week later, to which i just said "thanks" in an offline the next day. i carried on NC, and she sent me an IM on june 29th, asking me whether i would mail back something which belonged to her, so i sent an IM back saying "yes ok sorry i will send it back to you tomorrow"

 

i carried on NC, then another IM on 15th July from her to thank me for sending her stuff back, and she also asked if i was doing ok, and said that she hopes to get a chance to chat wih me soon.

 

i responded 3 days later (i had deleted her from my buddy list, so i couldnt see whether she was online anymore, and i wouldnt be tempted to IM her when she was online) but this backfired as i hit send on my my response when she actually was online. straight away she replied "hey there", but the conversation was pretty neutral, talking about everyday stuff which didnt include us or dating.

 

i sometimes think that maybe i should have done what you did by saying to her - only contact me if you miss me, or want me back. but i thought that if i do that, i'm forcing the issue with her. it does suck being in friends mode, but its the way i've decided to handle it. based upon everything that has happened, its probably the best way to deal with it, in my situation.

 

i can see your dilemma cos you don't want to be "just friends" with him. but you have a door open in this respect, you can be friends with him if that is what you choose. its a real tough decision, and its not one i could advise you on. but i have read stories on other forums of people staying friends with their ex helped them get back together. but one of these stories i read was about them being honest with each other about their dating experiences. that is true friendship, when you can be honest with each other.

 

i know i could not handle hearing about that, but maybe as time goes by i may be able to handle it. its just sooooo damn difficult to know what to do. but you said you couldnt imagine life without him being in it, and i'm the same where my ex is concerned. maybe i could handle hearing about her dating experiences, and just be happy in the knowledge she hasn't married someone yet.... that would be the ultimate choker!!!!!

 

i will just carry on NC, and follows losts guide in that my responses will become more delayed each time. (if she IMs me again, she only uses IM with me now) i'm hoping that a significant future delay will be long enough to encourage her to send 2 consecutive ones.

 

one day i'll post my entire story up here when i know closure has happened one way or another. but i find talking about my story will not really help me at all.

 

i come on this site really just to see how people are viewing the NC policy. its thanks to this site that i have practiced it. sometimes i do lose faith in NC, but all i ever read on this site is a vast approval rating in it being the only path to follow. all us broken hearted people should encourage each other to stick to NC. look at dreamguy's story, he started this thread saying "no contact works - ex has called"

 

but it only worked in the sense that his ex broke contact with him. we need to all stick to this until someone gets their ex back. but just keep on remembering that its prime purpose is to help you move on, not to get them back. and NC helps you get over your ex, and it DOES get easier as time goes by.

[nikkicam71]

Thank you for responding, Miggs...and I really feel for you re. your situation. You are right...the way I handled it did force the situation...I probably would have been able to remain in casual contact the way that you and your ex do if the contact had been casual/infrequent and brief. Unfortunately, my ex called me once or twice a week and we would talk for an hour or more each time...he talked to me as though we'd never broken up, even mentioned little things about "us", (giving me sh*t about not paying the parking ticket I got when we went to dinner in Philly, ragging on me about the fact that I can't sleep w/ the TV on, etc). It was far too personal, far too familiar...it was like he had the benefit of me without the involvement with me...do you know what I'm saying? And each time we made that reconnection, I would get so excited...I counted days until he called again, and I knew he would before five days passed...it was like clockwork. Then when we hung up...I would cry for two days. It was too little of him, just a shadow of us, and it made me want everything back.

 

I don't know what he was doing, or why he was doing it, I just knew that I had to put space between us for my own sanity. He wasn't coming back, but he behaved as though he might...as though he thought about me all the time ("...I was in Philly the other night and went to this club, you'd REALLY like it there, thought about you when I was there and thought I should tell you about it..."). Anyway, I didn't really want to break contact, but five weeks later and no sign of him finding his way back...I just couldn't keep hurting myself like that.

 

I want my ex back more than anything...but you can't make someone feel something or do something they don't want. I've read an e-book called how to get your ex back. It suggest NC for a period of at least thirty days....then re-initiate contact, when you feel YOU are ready, more stable, "healed" to a certain extent. I guess that's where I am now. Whether or not I get him back, I want him in my life. Right now I'm just using my time and space to try and deal with the fact that he doesn't want to come back into MY life. Once I can deal with that honestly and completely, maybe we can try being friends.

 

~Nikki

[miggsbucks]

the danger i think about being ok with being friends with them, is that they see it as an acceptance on your part that the relationship as it was is no more..

 

but that they are still friends with you is better than nothing at all.

 

see the no-contact policy is in a book about getting your ex back! there you go, its the right way.

[Scorpion1691]

It's very healthy to be friends. Starting to early or having the wrong conversations can cause the wrong feeling to come back. Be friends Be carefull.

[miggsbucks]

but always let the ex initiate contact.. if i was in nikki's shoes i'd have probably done the same thing, her ex was talking about stuff like they hadnt broke up, which must be extremely difficult to cope with. and i would done what nikki did by telling the ex to only contact me if they wanted me back, but i havent done that and have extended my feelings of (probably false) hope

 

i always think - carry on life without hoping they will come back, and think of it as a surprise if they do. get back into dating others, thats a surefire way to help you stop thinking about them.

 

if i was you nikki, i'd give yourself 2 weeks breathing space, or whatever length of time you will feel ready, then contact him saying you'll be happy to be friends. but tell him you don't want him to go on like you guys hadn't broke up. and then once the friendship is re-established, try to play it on your terms - and selectively be available to him. and don't ask him back, try to gauge him by how he talks. don't give too much away too soon. i really hope you guys get back together, friendship may just be that way to your goal.

[fishman3226]

I always worry about the friends thing though - i mean at the end of the day how can you really have a friendship with someone that you love more than a friend - all you will have is a constant reminder of them in front of you. Do you really want to not have that feeling reciprocated? I know it is the final attempt to have them realise that you are there, but i honestly dont believe you can do it.

 

If a dog bit you would you pat the dog? Would you then stand beside the dog and be confident it wont bite again?

[miggsbucks]

right!!!! thats just about it..... i dont care anymore about hearing about her dates etc, i'm gonna be her friend, i'm just gonna go for it - even if she tells me she's had sex with some guy - i have decided that it doesnt bother me at all. i want to be there for her in every single way there can possibly be.

 

***k it, if she does it, she does it... theres no getting around the fact.. i want to be with her all the way, if we dont get back together then so be it, but HELL i dont want her to think that i'm some sad ass pathetic wimp who only wants her all for himself.

 

fishman i know you are a sound guy, but your quote about a dog biting somebody has just about put it all into context for me. its made me realise that we are all amazingly complex individuals. and i thank you for it, because unwittingly enough, you have made me see the way forward.

[dreamguy]

miggsbucks,

You said this in a previous post:

the danger i think about being ok with being friends with them, is that they see it as an acceptance on your part that the relationship

as it was is no more..

Yes it's a danger (as you called it). Because, exactly as you said, you are giving your ex the ease of mind by conveying the message that not only you have agreed the relationship is over but you have also accepted what they have done to you and you still blindly trust them.

I think this is what fishman was trying to say when he gave us the example of the dog. Can you blindly trust a dog that bites you ? Don't think so.

 

You also said

but HELL i dont want her to think that i'm some sad ass pathetic

wimp who only wants her all for himself.

Maybe she won't but if you make her feel it's ok to remain friends then she'll probably think you're letting her walk all over your feelings anyway.

 

Then you say

i'm gonna be her friend, i'm just gonna go for it - even if she tells me she's had sex with some guy - i have decided that it doesnt bother me at all. i want to be there for her in every single way there can possibly be.

Now I was surprised when I read this. I thought you realized that being friends with someone who dumped you will only serve as a validation purpose for them. Thus it will make them feel better (knowing they still have your caring and trust even after what they have done to you) while you will feel worse (seeing them with someone else and/or wanting to hold them but not being able to do anything about it).

 

I trust you will make the right judgment mate. Here, let me give you another example in the hope that it'll put it all into context for you again:

A mother wants to leave, so she calls her child saying "come on baby, we're leaving". The child ignores the mother and continues playing so she calls again "honey, we have to get going". The child disregards the mother's words once more. Suddenly, she says "All right, I'm leaving. Bye bye" and she turns around and starts walking away. Inevitably, the child will stop everything he/she is doing and follow the mother.

If you analyze this particular situation you'll notice that the child didn't pay attention to the mother as long as she was still standing in front of him. Why ? Because they where still able to get away with it: They were able to play and the mother was still there waiting. They only responded to the mother when she walked away. Why ? Because the game was over. They had to choose to either stop playing and follow her or keep on playing and risk being left alone.

I believe the same happens in relationships once a person dumps you (again when they still have feelings for you). Only when you walk away, will they choose to either stop playing their game and follow you or keep on playing it and risk losing you. They will hardly make a decision as long as you're still being a friend because to them it means you're still around waiting and hoping something will change. They will know they still have time to do what they intended to do in the first place (i.e. check another person or just sort out their feelings for you).

 

I say you should let them know how you feel (but only if you haven't already told them in the past) then you should tell them that you're moving on with your life and cut all contact with them. That's what I did 9 days ago and I have no regrets. To all the people who have been following up on my story... she stopped going to the beach once I cut all contact with her. I think this is a good sign (because it means my words affected her). At least it makes it easier for me to stick to my word.

[nikkicam71]

tonight was a very difficult night for me. I tripped on something tonight that was just beyond the peripheral...something I'd "known" but hadn't put together.

 

One night, about a month before my ex became "distant" we were at a club we'd been to several times. He disappeared for twenty min...came back, told me he'd run into his sis's friend from college. I trusted him completely, didn't trip on it. I'm not the jealous type...

 

so later, he goes to the bathroom. We've been to this club several times together. There's a bathroom right behind us. The band is playing...they played like FIVE songs before he came b ack. he was gone almost an hour. He was driving, I was drinking...but still, I noticed. he told me he forgot there was a bathroom right behind us and he got stuck in line. He told me there was a long line at the back bathroom. we argued about it, later I felt bad/unreasonable, but my gut told me he was hanging out with sis's friend. Still, i groveled and let it go.

 

Fast forward, a month later. His family LOVES me. It's his "family" birthday dinner. he doesn't invite me...it's "JUST FAMILY." my feelings are hurt that I'm not included...we bicker, but I let it drop. A few days later, I'm in his bedroom....bday cards are all over the place. I pick up this card, read it and think, what the hell? I ask him who this chick is. He says, Oh, nobody, a friend of my sister's. I say, Ok. But in the back of my mind I think, this chick likes him more than a friend. then I wonder, if it was just family, how did he get the card? But I don't dwell on it...I don't trip on it for more than a second. I TRUST HIM...he would never cheat on me, no matter how the friend feels, and he wouldn't lie to me...so i don't worry, right?

 

Now it's two months later. He's dumped me and he's taken another girl to "our" concert (Dave Matthews was our second date...he KNOWS how much I love Dave, he burned me a CD, etc). His younger sis tells me he's going to the concert, but "don't worry, he's just taking Alyssa...she's friends with my sister...she's a really nice girl and they're just friends...". My brain flashes back to the birthday card, but STILL I don't put it all together.

 

It wasn't until tonight, when a gf of mine was telling me about her bf and the sh*t he's been pulling lately that I think about the incident at Savoy's...and I start to put all of the ducks in a row. I SO GOT PLAYED. He may not have "cheated" on me, per say...but HE DID. And now he's with this girl. I can't prove it, so I can't confront him...but as a woman, I KNOW. Something told me before this that even though he said he wasn't breaking up w/ me to date anyone else, that was a load of BS. I just let it go.

 

Right now I'd like to call him up and tell him what a piece of sh*t he is. But I can't, b/c I have no "proof." This happened to me five years ago...I went to my ex-b/f's wine dinner...he was a guest chef. His best friend's wife showed up...we were all friends...she kissed me on the cheek, etc, talked to me....I looked at my best friend after she walked away and said, "She's f*cking my b/f." My best friend freaked, she was like, what the hell are you talking about??? I couldn't explain it, somehow, I just KNEW. Anyway, long story short, I got my b/f drunk and convinced him that I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt...and you know what? I was RIGHT. Same here....I can't prove it, but I know I that what I believe is the truth.

 

I hate him. I know this probably seems irrational to the male POV, but women KNOW...that intuition thing is DEAD ON. I just wish it had kicked into gear a little sooner.

 

Here I was ready to break down and call him b/c I missed him so much. Now I just want to call to tell him what a piece of sh*t he is. I'd give ANYTHING to be able to prove it.

 

Never mind me, I'm just really hurt tonight. It took awhile for me to see what was right in front of my gd face the entire time.

 

~Nikki

[crazydawg]

hey nicki, i feel for ya, but i also want to tell my gf what a piece of **** she is because when we broke up she didn't have the deceny to tell me that she was talking to her ex boyfriend as friends, i found out after i confronted it abuot her. Now she's going out with him. I don't think she happy but i'm so hurt inside that she did this. Her bf is really a piece of crap he's a drug addict that has money and treats her like crap. I know i deserve better than this but for some reason i can't let it go. I want ehr because i can't have her. I want to yell at ehr and tell her how ****ed up she is. But what for, it makes us look more weaker in their eyes.

[fishman3226]

I decided that I m going to send my ex an email - so far about 2 pages long -about everything that I believe has happened in the past six months. I am going to not hold back and tell her what I think about her and her attitude and her manipulation of me and how I know she has stuffed up. About how she is childish and immature and about how she will never get what I gave her if she stays this childish.

 

Vindictive? Hell yeah!! Childish? Do I care? I lay awake many nights and cried for the woman I am still in love with ran away for no reason whatsoever - I loved her 100% and shehas stuffed with me so much I am now depressed. I deserve better. Do I care about if it will change anything? Nope - I know it wont - hell, I put in the email that if she dont respond then she dont get her stuff she wants back. I gave up and all i have to do now is move on with my life - but first I need to 'clean house' and say what needs to be said.

[miggsbucks]

Dreamguy,

 

Youre absolutely right. The baby theory is so true. I have lasted in the NC stakes and will let it continue. Its just so confusing to know what to do when the ex breaks the NC. I guess I was a little drunk when I wrote that post, its great finding this site because you tell people on here rather than telling the ex. Which is what I probably would have done had I not found this site.

 

I'm pleased to hear about your ex not being at the beach anymore. Its difficult to tell what stage everyone is at here, where their ex is concerned. I guess that the stage you went through telling her not to contact you anymore, is one that I have yet to go through. And I guess I'm still unsure as to whether to adopt that approach. I can see both sides of the argument in equal measure (being friend vs cut all contact for good).

 

But even cutting all contact for good is no guarantee we can recover properly from our ex's. We may rue our judgement, and wish that we had remained friends. But I think that in time, we will recover from the hurt, and not feel that desire to want them all for ourself anymore. I think my judgement was influenced by a post i read on another website, which encourages maintaining friendship as being a key factor in getting back the ex. But then you go and throw an equally valid argument against that approach.

 

The difficulty is is that every situation is totally unique, and one which requires a decision which suits that unique situation. I had a go at you for going to the beach club, but that was a decision you made which suited your situation. I think in hindsight now it was probably the correct one. Had you stopped going, she may have perceived you as weak, as you had been going there a fair while before you guys met.

 

I'm truly thankful you posted that reply, as it makes us realise we have to make calm, measured decisions and not jump into anything rash.

 

Nikki

 

You don't know for sure whether this is what your ex has done. Beat up a pillow, scream out his name telling him he's a creep when your on your own. IF this is true that he has done this, then yelling at him will make you feel good in the short term, but maybe not so in the long term.

 

You could confront him about it, he may well deny it. Then what do you do? Carry on at him? Its difficult as you guys have already split.

 

I'm using no contact as a way to try to stop thinking about my ex, and your thinking about him, is encouraging you to come up with these conclusions - when as you say you have no proof. Think about it like this: IF he did that, then thank your lucky stars you had an escape from him, as it would have been worse had he done it 10 years into a relationship with you. And leave it like that. No freaking out on him. Let him do it all over again (IF he did it) to his new g/f (IF he has one). Let her be the one who freaks on him, let him think of you as the calm one.

 

If he did it, and if you don't approach him, he will have gotten away with it. He will do it again as he has gotten away with it once before, he will assume he can get away with it again. But don't let you be the one who freaks on him. Let his current g/f do all that for you. He will regard you as the calm one, and may come crawling back to you when he is found out. THEN is the time for you to reveal what you know (or think you know), and he will have lost someone because of his unfaithfulness. He won't want to do it again. Then is the time for you to stamp the groundrules on any new relationship you may embark upon with your ex.

[miggsbucks]

fishman

 

noooooooooooooo don't send it!!!

write it all down and save it somewhere, read it to yourself over and over, convince yourself you did send it and reflect upon what she may be thinking by reading it for herself.

 

Vindictive? Hell yeah!! Childish? Do I care?

you can satisfy this urge within yourself, without her involvment. and yes you do care, you still have feelings for her. let her thoughts of you remain at what they were - i.e when you guys were happy together. don't let her thoughts be of you as this guy who sent this nasty email.

 

you will find yourself even more torn if you send it, wondering what her reaction will be etc

[dreamguy]

Fishman,

4 words: Do not send it !!

I know how you feel mate ! Everytime you try to end it with her, you hope you will get her to change her attitude and start running after you. When some time passes and she doesn't do it then you try a different approach of indirectly getting to her in the hope that you'll stir her emotions and cause her to react once more.

It's a never ending circle Fishman. You have to break it off at some point in time. This is when she will actually realize you have moved on with your life. This is the only chance you have of making her come to her senses (if she still has feelings for you). You need to make these feelings grow once again so she reaches a point of wanting you back in her life. If you send this letter you will only kill those feelings in her and expose yourself to lose her for good.

 

miggsbucks,

If you haven't yet reached a point where you feel you can ask her not to contact you anymore then perhaps you can try this: Tell her that you cannot be her friend anymore because you still have feelings for her. You can't keep on lying to yourself and so you have to move on with your life.

Do not mention anything concerning no calls or no contact. Let her make her own conclusions. This way you wouldn't have shot yourself in the foot and you would leave a door open for her while making it clear that you have stopped chasing her and the ball is in her court.

[miggsbucks]

i'm not sure whether i'm allowed to do this, but i found another site with an absolutely brilliant post on it:-

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=21638

 

dreamguy,

spot on advice - think i will heed it the next time she contacts me

[Lonestar]

I've been playing with fire and now I want to slap myself upside the head. My X treated me pretty badly and had little respect for me in the end, but I had such a tough time breaking away because I loved this man more than I have anyone in my entire life. This was more than two years ago, and to this day I am still in love with him. I did the no contact thing for two years, because I knew I needed to steer completely clear of him in order to heal my heart, but recently I found myself having to contact him again because of our child.

 

Shortly after that, the feelings started to creep in and it's unbelievable how much I am still sexually attracted to this man. So we ended up in bed together on three occassions in the past month. All of it was at my initiation, but he didn't argue. He says he likes it this way. Who can blame him? He gets the best of both worlds - easy sex with no responsibility. I liked it that way too... for about three weeks.

 

This weekend I realized just how much I am still in love with someone who can probably never love me back the way I deserve, and I don't know how to stop it. If you can't get over someone in 2.5 years, will you ever? I broke off the sex this weekend, telling him that I can't do this anymore. It was fun in the beginning, but now my feeling are getting involved and I don't want to get hurt again. I also told him that this was not enough for me, and I wanted more. By more I meant, more than casual sex and booty calls. I want love, adoration and respect, because I deserve it, and that there was a nice guy waiting in the wings but I was holding back with him because I'm screwing my X, and it's going nowhere.

 

I told him that if he wanted to come talk to me the door was open, but he said he liked things the way they were for now and didn't want to have a serious talk. He listened intently to everything I said, but didn't say much back. This was Friday night, and I didn't see him again until Sunday afternoon when he dropped our kid off. He smiled at me that "only we know what we've been up to smile," but didn't say a word and didn't try to talk. I kept it all business. So what the hell do I do now? I'm trying to get on with it. I do not want to contact him, and I made it perfectly friggin clear that he could talk to me if he wanted to. I just can't shake my love for this guy, even though I know I can do so much better. I know he was happy being with me again, and I know that a part of him still loves me. Do you think he'll try to get back "something" when he realizes I'm serious about ending the stupidity? Or did I make a complete fool out of myself? One of my guy friends thinks I cracked him in some respect because I ended it. (Secretly I don't want it to end)

 

Someone smack me for putting my heart through the garbage disposal again. I was almost free and clear, but the contact with him is beyond my control. I can't walk away and never see him again. I have to share a child with him and that screws it all up, or I'd run far away and never let him touch my heart again.

[nikkicam71]

Okay...I'm thinking about calling him. Like, now. It's been 25 days. Just to say hi, see how things are. You all were/are right...all of the other stuff doesn't matter. Why he broke up. what he did when he broke up...none of that matters, we broke up. But I don't want to go for the rest of my life and NEVER talk to him again. He won't call to see me at this point...if I want him in my life in any way, shape or form, I've got to call him. 25 days is a long time...

 

~Nikki

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I did the no contact thing for two years, because I knew I needed to steer completely clear of him in order to heal my heart, but recently I found myself having to contact him again because of our child.

What your ex didn't see his child for two years? How messed up is that.

Originally posted by Lonestar

I want love, adoration and respect, because I deserve it, and that there was a nice guy waiting in the wings but I was holding back with him because I'm screwing my X, and it's going nowhere.

It sounds like you don't know what you want, you want either that or your ex back. It sounds like you can't have both of them. And there's someone else involved here! the new guy waiting in the wings. Do you want to mess up his head as well as yours?

 

You need to have a long look at yourself and figure out what is best for you AND your child. Did you not let your child see his father because of a plan to get him back? You have some serious issues which seem to be more important than getting back your ex. You need to be telling your ex all this.

 

You cannot practice no contact because of your child. You have a situation that is so different than this thread. I'm afraid I don't have kids so I cant really advise. There are maybe other threads on this site that deal with the issue of kids.

 

I know lost in chicago's guide to no contact does make brief mention of kids:-

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

I have kids, what do I do

This is an excellent point that was brought up in a recent thread. Just remember that the kids come first. Unless your ex was abusing the kids in some form, your kids should have contact with both their biological parents, it's important. Don't try to use your kids as weapons and don't try to prevent contact with the ex. Try to limit your personal interaction, but whatever you do, do it without harming the kids or interfering with parental visitation. Don't bad mouth the ex. Kids are smarter than you think. And even if they buy your line of bull now, they will look back on it with the perspective of years and resent you for your manipulation.

 

Lonestar, maybe you should start a new thread with this one? maybe call it "Ex uses me for sex, kid involved" People browse threads for certain themes, and possibly your plight will be recognised more if it stands out, bcos new people who come to this thread think its about no contact working etc.

[Lonestar]

If you must call, just don't do it when you're feeling emotionally vulnerable. You'll end up saying something you'll regret. I have no idea what I'm going to do after 25 days goes by, but I'm sure it will come and pass with no contact from him. How sad that is.

[nikkicam71]

I just feel that one of us is going to have to break eventually...unless we really want to live the rest of our lives and never talk to one another again. I've accepted that he doesn't want to be with me. I don't know if I want to go FOREVER without talking to him again. I'm really confused right now.

[Lonestar]

First off he did see his kid, but the pick up /drop offs were set up so that we would not have contact. It was better that way. A new daycare and a different schedule now that I'm back to work has made it impossible not to have contact. We spoke on the phone when necessary, but did not see each other.

 

Did you not let your child see his father because of a plan to get him back? You have some serious issues which seem to be more important than getting back your ex. You need to be telling your ex all this.

 

What kind of response is that???? I didn't say anything of the sort, so why would you feel the need to stab me. I'm going throught the same damn pain as you, buddy. Don't walk all over me because your life sucks for the moment. That's not fair. I came here for understanding, not your judgement call for something you know nothing about.

 

As far as the other guy, there isn't really one except for a couple casual dates. I said that to him so he would think I was moving on.

 

I really resent your post, miggsbucks, and all the crap you said to me. We do not use our child as a weapon, we never have, and we parent very effectively. You jumped all over my post in every wrong direction possible, and why? Because you didn't think I should be intruding on your thread? Because I have a kid? I think you need to have a long look at YOURSELF for the way you attack people. I do not believe in using kids as weapons, and I would NEVER want my child to be without a father. I was the one that was massively dumped right after giving birth, and still I did the right thing. Thanks for the slap in the face.

 

I could say a lot worse here to you, but for now I'm gonna keep my mouth shut. I'll wait to pick one of your threads apart in the future and say crap I know nothing about, just to hurt you.

[miggsbucks]

nikki, you need to think real carefully before you call him. remember what you said, in that once you call him, he will see it as acceptance from you, that you and him will merely be friends. unless of course you can figure out a way of making this a diferent situation by what you tell him.

 

but what would that different situation be exactly? it will be you laying the law down telling him you never want to hear from him again, and that you can't be just friends. i don't think 25 days is that long. i've gone 40 days, and i'll go another 40 if need be.

 

AND there's also the danger that you will confront him about this other girl that you think may be involved.

 

it isn't a decision you must make lightly, but i'd say don't call, not yet anyway. youre far too emotional about it all still, to be able to handle it.