No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Lonestar]

I'm bored so I figured I spill some more details on what exactly has happened with my X recently. Like I said there was no contact for a long time, and then suddenly we were seeing each other at drop off/pick ups of the kid, and talking on the phone regarding the daycare and other things. She then got sick for about two weeks, and I couldn't take much time off from work. He has his own business so he picked her up several times that week from my place for the day so I could go to work. He would also come and get her other mornings if he had the day off, when he could have picked her up at the daycare if he really wanted to avoid me. He claimed it would be easier for me so I wouldn't have to bring her there. The more I saw him, the more I became attracted to him again.

 

Then one day he picked up our daughter. We were playing in the backyard, and he shows up without his shirt on, all muscular and tan. Now c'mon! He has AC in his truck, are you telling me he wasn't trying to get noticed?? He knows I always loved his body! All I could think of for the next two hours was how much I wanted to sleep with him. So I called his cell and left a message while he was at the gym, and said "I just wanted to let you know that you've been looking real good these days, and I think we should use each other for sex. If you ever get the urge let me know." Two to three days later we were having sex, and it was so comfortable.

 

I asked him if he freaked out when he heard the message. He told me he got really turned on and jerked off twice that night thinking about me. So OBVIOUSLY he was happy about what I proposed. We had sex on two or three more occassions after that. All within a month, but about a week ago I started to realize that I still had major feelings for him. I thought I could just use him for sex, but my stupid heart gets involved. We have said very little about the past, and things were starting to get somewhat comfortable between us right before I broke it off this past weekend, and said stupid stuff about not being able to do this and needing more. He was also becoming more affectionate as far as holding me afterward.

 

He did tell me that he liked being with me again sexually, and that he wanted to keep it this way for now. I said I wan't sure if I could do it, needed more, and that the door was open if he wanted to talk. He didn't want to have any serious talks right now, which I completely understand. I'm not sure what I want from day to day and if he wanted to talk right now, I don't think I'd say much. It's easier to want to have that talk when you're drunk, ya know?

 

So now I'm wishing I didn't get all stupid that night, but I want to find out if he cares. He jokingly said that he shouldn't have to call me because this was all my idea and that he likes being used, but I want him to call me. I guess I'm using the no contact to get him to miss me. I need comments and/or advice. Ya think he cares or not? You think he'll call or not? He's not a man of many words. It's his actions that speak for him. Give me something to look foward to people or just tell me to give it up - though I probably won't listen. It depends on the day and my mood.

 

I suppose I could just go to his friggin house, sit him down, tell him how I feel, and try to get some answers out of him, BUT I feel like that would be a big mistake. I would look weak, and he was the one that walked out on our marriage. He should be the one saying he wants to come back? No? Feel free to call me an idiot if I'm being one.

[Scorpion1691]

Pride hurts, I think you are either very confused or miss him very much. I think you are very brave to make that move, your are right though. He may back away saying it's to early. There is a child involved most parents don't think that enough to try. The two of you came together for a reason. did that reason change and why. What attracted him to you and you too him. Think about about that first.

[fishman3226]

I dont wanna come down on you but I had the same thng here - ultimately it comes to this:

 

Email him/ write him a letter stating simply:

 

'I love you. I have some strong felings for you. I need to know outright - is their a chance of me and you getting back together? I cannot continue to feel like this either we do or I cannot continue having any contact with you.'

 

Now I know it is difficult as you have kids, but you need to do it. If he says yes - then great - if he says no then you stand by your decision. If he cannot make up his mind then that is no. Nothing more after that at all.

 

He knows you feel for him - hell you had sex - he is attracted to you obviously. But you must look after you at all times and not allow yourself to be used up by him.

 

I know it hurts and it is tough to do - hell, I am living it now - bt you got to do it or forever you will be hanging on to this vain hope of something that cannot be. He either loves you or doesn't. Simple as that.

 

HONOUR YOURSELF!

[miggsbucks]

Yes he probably does love her. But some people can love someone, but feel uneasy about commitment. Again, this is forcing the issue and pushes people further away.

 

I guess some people just can't cope with the no-contact issue and need to bring things to a head. But doing this and finding out that they don't want to be with them can make you feel even worse than now.

 

I sometimes listen to the record "Let it Be" by the Beatles, and find it inpsires me to carry on with the no-contact thing. I am determined to see out this no-contact forever if need be, and find things to occupy myself with. Doing stuff helps me not think about her, and it does get easier with time.

 

At the end of the day though, people need to do what they think is the right thing to do. But that's a decision in itself, and one which should be carefully thought out.

[Lonestar]

Thanks and you're right in part, but it's WAY too early for something like that. Plus I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him. I don't know that I want to work things out or be together again as a couple. I know I have feelings for him, strong ones, and I also still love a part of him, then there's the part I'm extremely angry with. So I can't expect him to make a decision when I can't even make one. All I know is that I want more. I just can't figure out what more is. Maybe more contact, more attention, more communication. I think we both need to further test the waters. It's been a LONG time fishman. 2.5 years since we've been together. So much has changed since then, except the sexual attraction and some type of connection. I almost feel as though we're meeting for the first time, but the past is hanging over us, raising the caution flag before there's even a reason.

 

I'm trying to give myself a couple weeks of no contact here (it's rough) to sort all this out, maybe go on a date with someone else. If I choose to see him again, should I be completely honest??? Should I tell him exactly what I wrote here and see how he responds? I'm certainly not asking for much and that may answer all these questions I have, but I do not want to give up my dignity here. If there's a chance or a way I can get him to come to me instead, I want to try it.

 

My main problem with all of this is that I'm really concerned I'm seeing something that isn't there. That's why I posted the details. I had to deal with some serious rejection from him that hurt for a long time. Even if it essentially had nothing to do with me at the core, but more from his fear and immaturity, it still blew a hole clean through my heart. So I don't want to set myself up again. I just want to know if these feelings ( whatever they are) between us are mutual, and go from there. Any talk of a full blown relationship would send me running for the hills. This way is easy, cuz sex is a great excuse to be near someone without having to be near them.

[fishman3226]

miggsbucks I dont want to be mean but are you mad? OK, I love my ex and would probably take her back - but hell, yu can only take so much before it is TOO MUCH.

 

What if the person you meet on the train tomorrow morning (assuming you get the train) is the man of your dreams? What about if you grieve now so you can mend your heart for either a. the ex to come back or b. for someone new and better.

 

Basically it comes down to this - you cannot waste your life for someone that dont want you. Nothing worse the unreturned love. Yeah I love my ex and I know she loves me - but hell, she cannot control me and keep me in case of things not working out.

 

I basically said to my ex this: I love you. You want a relaionship or not. I said to her I love her and always will. I believe we are good but I wont have her dragging my heart along for all my life. I said to her make a decision (after 6 months of being apart) or leave me alone to grieve and get over her.

 

This allows me to either move on completely and ot get over her for either someone else or her - if she ultmately says 'oops... I realise I am missing out and he is there - I have to take it. but he wont let me walk over him.'

 

I suppose it comes down to strength and control of the situation - hell, it will suck hardcore - but you will know how you stand at the moment - it might push them away but it may also make them go oops! Even if they do say no - you can then make a tough stand - say to them "OK, bye - I still love you - if you want me back contact me - otherwise dont bother." And if they contact you otherwise then say - "look, you remember how I told you if you want me back call me? What you REALLY want?"

 

Be strong and firm in this - you look needy they wont come.

[Lonestar]

I think I agree with you 100% I do need to let it be. Neither one of us is going anywhere for the next 20 years. Our kid is only two so that's a lifetime to be involved in each other's lives. Not that I want to spend the rest of my life in love with someone that's unavailable, but there is plenty of time to let it work itself out. It either will or it won't. I have to sit back and not contact him for awhile. I'm not sure I will ever feel good about all this and keep my pride in tact unless he does come to me. I wanted to call last night, I wanted to call this morning, I wouldn't mind calling him now, but I won't damnit!!! LOL :-D No contact is a good thing for everyone involved. It clears the air, lets people think and feel without being smothered, lets you know what it's like with and without the other around.

 

Yeah, miggs, decisions need to be carefully thought out. I'm keeping myself busy anyway. I'm usually very busy at work, but this is my last week at this job and the boss is on vacation so there's nothing to do but play on the Internet. I bought a guitar and I'm taking lessons again, and joined the gym. I got tired of the limited amount of things I can do at home, not to mention that there's a lot of good looking guys at the gym. ;-) I need a diversion.

 

If anyone wants to chat to help me kill some time at work (got Messenger?) PM me here.

[Lonestar]

But fishman that is way too much of an ulitmatum. I honestly don't think that people respond well to ultimatums. I know I wouldn't and never have. Here's a scenario.. if my X gave me that type of ultimatum tomorrow, I would not and could not answer it. I would leave him alone because I wouldn't want to confuse him anymore with my indecisiveness, and I wouldn't call him down the road either because it's NOT going to pop into my head someday that I now want the guy back and I'm 100% sure. No way. I would need some type of contact to figure that out. You have to take things sloooooow. If I was given that ultimatum I'd have to say goodbye and I'd be very sad that he did that and refused to give me the time to sort things out.

 

Too drastic, fishman. Too pushy.

[miggsbucks]

fishman,

 

the thing is - she did give me a little bit of hope by saying she does love me, and still gets in touch every now and then, so yeah its made me in a state of limbo, and making me think that i still have a chance.

 

but she did also tell me that "i am not the one for you" and that "you need to move on", so she has said that to me and part of me says it is over for good. i guess actually, it probably actually is. and thats the thing which keeps me on the no-contact path. if i ask her "look do you want me in your life or not" is going to look pretty damn idiotic to her, bearing in mind she did say "you need to move on" etc

 

lonestar

 

if youre bored you can actually get round to answering the question i asked you on post 322 (page 22) lol

[Kate]

hey -- i have posted on this thread and others over the last 2 months. like all of you, my guy said the whole "time and space" dance and i went totally nuts on my own accord...sweating at night, bad dreams, horrible mornings, staring at my cell waiting for it to ring and be him, looking at every car on the road to see if it was him...the whole nine yards. i suggest anyone interested reading my posts because they do build up to something somewhat credible with regards to this update.

 

on ultimatums: i gave my ex that after just one week of agonizing pain over "time apart". he let me be...for 2 weeks and i couldn't take it. i realized that an ultimatum was coming from a weak state of mind and heart. i couldn't deal with anything! and just when i thought i would be better just to either move on or be in it 100%, the ultimatum route where i said, "ok i'm moving on" was just too much harder than the hope and faith i had in us being together. now, please keep in mind he was NOT seeing someone else, ;you can read about that in my posts. that was not our problem and he has not dated anyone (don't question this just trust it). anyhow, after not being able to take the high road, i started seeing him once a week. but even THAT (although there was hope and some serenity involved) was too much to take! it made things worse, because i was so impateint and just wanted ot know if he would be back with me, and wanted everything asap. i have no paitence in general in life! so, we had planned a vacation together and i flipped out at the last minute, cancelled the trip, and sent him a text saying i don't want to pursue anything further! at first, i felt great...for about 3 days when i realized that now I, ME, may have sent him packing for good. i was playing games now, not him. often because we are in pain, we assume (wrongly!) the other person is playing games when indeed they are not. i should have just trusted the fact that he REALLY just needed time and space. i was totally smothering him (READ : Makeup, don't breakup by Bonnie Eaker Wiel!! It is saving my LIFE right now). so, another week passed and i freaked out again -- bad dreams that he is dating someone else, that i now forced him to move on by attempting to punish him over his NEEDS...etc. so i called him a couple times saying it was very very important. he agreed to talk and i played it very cool, bascially just got us on better terms, said i hoped things would work out but i needed a little more consistency somehow, (i am a good talker so this worked well for me) i didn't hide behind anything. i sent him a looooong email just stating the facts about us and how i saw things working, and saying how i respected his needs. i said that i wanted to start from SCRATCH -- no expectations, no responsibility of him making us happy, nothing -- i said i wanted to start totally new and start dating one antoher again. i told him it's ok if it doesn't work, at least we know we gave it a shot. he said he wanted to work things out, he just needs some time to unwind and figure things out (again, my situation is specific so if you want to know about it read all my previous posts!). i said ok, we watched a bball game, chatted, said goodnight. 2 days later he called to say "hi". i couldn't believe it. do you know why? it's cause i was cool, collected and took time for MYSELF to get MY head together about how i wanted to act. i acted like his FRIEND, the girl he realizes now he misses. nothing more did i do to pressure him.

 

additionally, i have been turning my phone of at all costs. i only keep it on during the day time -- for work. i have had it off every night this week and guess what??? i just got a text from him today. listen, if you think your situation is bad or you pushed your ex away, it's not worse than mine. let me tell you this -- he broke up with me after i was drunk, CHASING him down the street trying to talk to him! he just tried to get away because he felt smothered!! i have done a LOT to push him away, the list goes on, ok? the point is, if you leave someone alone...really alone (but please make sure the last contact you have before leaving them alone is positive) they come back if they love you. i never ever expected this much, i am still in shock this morning even though it's not like he's proposing. he is initiating contact and that feels good. don't play a game, play it cool and honest. in my opinion, you can't do JACK unless you get yourself a LITTLE strong again..you will simply not be in a position to deal with your ex in a strong way. you have to come from a position of strength, humor, whatever.

 

my plan now is to text him later in the same context and tone he did to me. then, after work, i am turning my phone off...guarenteed he thinks i will call or text him back with more availability -- i will NOT. i did this after our first time apart and i went right back into his arms. this time will be different. you may have to do the "time and space" thing a couple times and go through other throes of the breakup before you can get on a pattern. but i think that ultimatums work for no one at all. most importantly, it didn't work for me, it made me more miserable than anything and since he was already needing space, this just forced him there -- he may not have chosen it himself, you have to give the ex the free will to act. and that means by you reading books, taking care of yourself, turning off your phone so you don't wonder if they called and if they do, you are not there!!, and leaving ONE LAST DECENT IMPRESSION. after all that, the ball is in their court. give yourself 6 weeks before thiniking about contact again, unless it is to make that one last good impression. that's waht i have done, now i'm going to let him initiate contact with me for the next 6-8 weeks before i even think of going back to him. trust me, this is HARD....but tables DO turn when yo udo things right. i hope i give you guys hope here because now it's up to me whether or not i ruin it or enhance the situation. i can't WAIt not to be seen as a weak fool anymore!!!!UGH!

[miggsbucks]

about the paul mc cartney song, let it be:-

 

"and though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see"

 

does anyone reckon that lyric refers to leaving an ex alone, so that they can have a chance to work things out for themselves, and that the chance they will see that they want to be with you?

[Lonestar]

I liked what you said about the guy disappearing from online, in that it got to you. Did you dump him? Did you get that feeling "i want what i can't have"?

 

Oh yeah THAT question. Musta slipped past me hehe.

 

It wasn't a dump so to speak, but a big blow out argument with someone that was getting close to me. He pulled the online contact for a few days to be a baby. I got wicked pissed off. I don't LIKE being cut off. No sir.

[miggsbucks]

oh great, now that makes me think she'll be thinking i'm a baby, yahoo still havent replied to my request to re-instate the ID, i've sent another message to them pleading, maybe i should just leave it a couple of weeks and IM her my new ID, she'll think it all rather strange though!!

[Lonestar]

There's a difference. I knew he cut me off because of the spat. I was blocked, it wasn't that the ID was deleted, so don't worry about it. She'll have no idea, and it's going to piss her off anyway. Leave it be. Have some fun. Stop worrying so much "what" she thinks, but rather "will" she think. ;-)

 

 

I've been really bored.... so I got me an avatar

[fishman3226]

But guys, I know an ultimatum is harsh - and maybe in my own circumstance I HAD to do it - but how long can one wait? Also - how does one sit there and say 'they hurt me' but it is OK?

 

I used an analogy of a dog. If it bites you dont go near it. Here in my opinion is something similar. If they hurt you and you willingly take them back then you basically say to them 'hurt me - you can go away and I will wait until you are ready to walk on me again.'

 

I know you guys are gonna say 'oh but he loves me and so on' but come on - if you give them an ultimatum you gain control - they will either a, freak out that you will go for good and try to get back - or b. walk away to knowing you are not going to take it no more. That you cannot be walked over and that they dont hold sway over you.

 

Hell, I still think about my ex and I do love her but I am not going to sit moping - I could wait for two years or whatever but you cannot control the future - they will either come back or wont. You have to heal yourself - do stuff for you (and hell yeah, go out with others - form new relationships) and if they ultimately contact you back you control what happens - you can then say to them 'contact me then you must want something? you want me back?' and then work at what YOU want by this stage. If you have a new partner then YOU can choose, etc.

 

I am NOT going to be anyones possesion to drag out when they feel it is fit - a relationship is a partnership - 2 people together - and I know for a fact we all here are clinging to our side of this partnership hoping the other piece falls back into place.

 

Think too re ultimatum:

 

- you are then exercising the ultimate 'no contact' you are not being needy and clingy (as you are moving on) you leave knowing that the 'door is open' but you are not waiting

- you end up being stronger as you look after you and are not living with potentially false hopes

- you kniow what the status quo is NOW which you can control and understand

- you can heal your heart be it for someone else (more likely) or the ex who then 'want what they cannot have'

 

See it is a win win situation - you either get em back or you move on. My theory is 'what will be will be' - you cannot sit around hoping and wondering - the old saying goes "if you love someone set them free....if they come back they are yours forever"

 

Set them free. And set yourself free.

[miggsbucks]

and if they ultimately contact you back you control what happens - you can then say to them 'contact me then you must want something? you want me back?'

 

Fishman - we all wonder and wonder - (and don't think that i am sane, because i most certainly am not - where my ex who i want back is concerned) I am totally and utterly devastated that she hasn't got in touch to say she wants to even work on things, or something like that.

 

I do get the feeling with you fish, is that you are contacting her too much. That's not so bad, but just remember its never too late to put into practice some strategic plans you can follow which will make your ex come back.

 

The best thing to do is to do things that will stop you thinking about her. We're all a long long time dead, but we are but a short time alive in comparison. There's too much to do and see for us to live our life in hope. Yes my ex gave me hope, and that hope will never extinguish. But... i am gonna try the best i ever can to live my life, without letting that little flickering flame go. It CAN be done, theres no reason why it can't. Why is there? We have to start moving on. Why fish, do you think you HAVE to draw things to an ultimate end with your ex b4 moving on???

 

Can't you just adapt to the situation you find yourself in? thats what all us broken-hearted people are doing. if you think by the way that i am managing this perfectly well with everything i'm saying, well i'm not, my heart aches just like yours does. but whenever i post on here i just say all the stuff my sensible side tells me and i feel a sense of wonder when i see people are going thru exactly the same as me. it gives me strength, it helps me cope.

 

i can see exactly what you are saying. giving them the ultimatum is just about exactly courageous as sticking with NC. its all about what we see is fit. but at some point, wherever that may be, we will have to let go. and some of us will do it without questions being answered, without reasons being given. the trouble is, is that the ex may never be able to tell you the reasons why they feel the way they do. thats something we have to accept, and move on. i'm a bit drunk at the moment by the way so if any of the ***t i've wrote makes no sense then please by all means dig anything i've said. no-one on here will hurt my feelings, we are all the broken hearted club. call me a w****r, i'll call ya it back...........

 

lmao

[Lonestar]

Hey my advice or take on things is definitely not always the gospel. I have no idea what I'm doing, or supposed to be doing. Sometimes I bet I'm thinking way too hard about all this stuff, and if I stop thinking, it'll get easier. Nice to see I'm not the only one drunk tonight, miggs, so we can all make no sense together.

 

fish, you make many good points. I am hanging out with a dog that bit my friggin arm off. God only knows why. Although, understand I already DID get over him and moved on. I had no spark or flame going for him over the past 2 years. It died quite a long time ago, because all I was really filled with was pain, then anger, then acceptance. I didn't have to see him, I really didn't have to talk to him. I wasn't working for the first two years after my daughter was born, so his family or my family transported her back and forth. Anything that needed to be discussed was relayed through third parties. When I went back to work and she went into daycare, that setup wasn't an option anymore, and the contact started again.

 

So, I completely forgot that he existed many times. I've dated others, made new friends, explored new hobbies, established my carreer again, and plain moved on. I never in a million years though that when we came in contact again I would start feeling something for him. I could see giving an ulitamatum at the end of a relationship or shortly after a breakup where one is stringing the other along, but we moved on with our lives and then came together again, sort of.

 

fish, I think you're making the right choice for your situation and miggs is making the right choice in his, although I agree with him that you might be contacting her too much. I don't think you should have sent that last email, ony because I'm afraid you're looking for a reaction from her and that's more than just laying down the law.

 

I broke the no contact rule tonight. I had sex with my X again. I initiated it, and I do believe that I'm gonna be paying for this selfish gratification with a whole sh*tload of pain down the road. Either that or I'll get bored and walk soon. The sex wasn't that good anyway. Sex with an ex is fun at first, because it's dangerous and wrong. That's all part of the excitement. Later on when there's no affection involved, it becomes mechanical and boring. I wasn't feeling much of anything tonight. Do you think the reason I've wanted him so much was to get past that whole rejection thing from the past? Could we as "dumpees" be driven to get back what was taken from us because of wounded pride?

[dreamguy]

Lonestar,

Thanks and you're right in part, but it's WAY too early for something like that. Plus I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him. I don't know that I want to work things out or be together again as a couple. I know I have feelings for him, strong ones, and I also still love a part of him, then there's the part I'm extremely angry with. So I can't expect him to make a decision when I can't even make one. All I know is that I want more. I just can't figure out what more is. Maybe more contact, more attention, more communication.

My main problem with all of this is that I'm really concerned I'm seeing something that isn't there. That's why I posted the details. I had to deal with some serious rejection from him that hurt for a long time. Even if it essentially had nothing to do with me at the core, but more from his fear and immaturity, it still blew a hole clean through my heart. So I don't want to set myself up again. I just want to know if these feelings ( whatever they are) between us are mutual, and go from there.

 

What can I say. You hit the core of my story with my ex gf.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about her anymore as well. There's also the part I'm extremely angry with and I can characterize her personality with two things: Fear and Immaturity.

 

As for the 2 weeks of no contact that you've decided to have I can tell you that I have cut all contact with my ex for good. I called her on July 17th (12 days ago) to tell her that we cannot remain friends because I still have feelings for her. I haven't contacted her ever since and I probably won't.

[fishman3226]

Huh? Too much contact? No way! From April until early July I did nothing at all to contact the ex. No contact and even did not contact her when i HAD too (re our unit we shared - she wanted to stay on the lease.)

 

She started contacting me again when she saw me - mind you we work in the same building for the same company - she came here AFTER we broke up - upstairs in a meeting. She still has furniture in my place

 

I did not initiate things at all - she started it again - we have also ben broken up since February and she kept on coming over and spending the night and so on until I cracked it for her leading me on in the times she did.

 

I thought bugger it - you are too indecisive - make a decision or go away. Too much to take (all in the earlier posts) so I had to get some resolution for the issue or it would bring down and would continually do so.

 

She will realise it that I am a good catch one day I said to her in an email that I know she loves me but I cannot accept her indecisiveness. I looked after me.

 

I know my heart is broken and so on - but I am sick and tired of feeling hurt and being walked upon. She knows who I am - she can take it or miss out - her loss.

[Lonestar]

As for the 2 weeks of no contact that you've decided to have I can tell you that I have cut all contact with my ex for good. I called her on July 17th (12 days ago) to tell her that we cannot remain friends because I still have feelings for her. I haven't contacted her ever since and I probably won't.

 

If you read my last post, you'll see I already screwed up no contact in a big way. So if your ex came back in a few weeks and sincerely wanted you back, what would you do? Would you give it a shot or do you think you're done for good? I'm not sure there are very many of us who wouldn't at the very least try for a week or so just to satisfy curiousity. I believe you won't contact her, but have you thought about what you'll do if it actually works?

 

I'm back there right now (although yes it's only sex), but dreamguy and everyone else... it's amazing how much you realize when they're back around exactly how much of them and their ways you don't like. I keep making him out to be something better than he is in my head, but reality puts it all in check. I think this is why the no contact approach works. When someone you once loved is not around you for a long period of time, the mind tends to forget the bad and storybook romance the rest. The truth must be seen for yourself by going back, however long or brief it may be.

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by Lonestar

When someone you once loved is not around you for a long period of time, the mind tends to forget the bad and storybook romance the rest.

 

This is exactly why no contact works in such a positive way. Absence has such a deep impact upon ex-lovers. I remember dreamguy's baby theory, which basically forces the issue with the ex. I believe, however, that a sustained period of no-contact will have the same effect.

 

Why are people so keen to push their ex and make their final stand? the ultimatum that tells them "don't contact me unless you want to be with me". is it because they feel that no contact isn't working and want to try something different? i guess it is to get around the fact that they are trying no-contact, but the ex who dumped us keeps on contacting us.

 

This is, i think, the hardest part of the process to deal with, because the contact will be neutral and un-opinionated.

 

This love i lost is the greatest one i have ever lost. But i have been here before. When i was 21 i lost a 2 year-relationship with a girl i adored, and i screwed up big time, never even thought of the no-contact philosophy, begged. pleaded, made a total ass of myself.

 

i am totally over that, and it makes realise that i will get over this. but looking back on that time when i split with my younger love, i wish i'd done things differently. and if i did that ultimatum thing now, i'm sure in 10 years time i will look back and regret it. just like i did with my earlier love.

[fishman3226]

Life is full of what ifs....

 

But same token though it is history - no way you could know until it IS history that you did or did not fo the right thing.

 

My version of history is different to yours but i would not do a thing different.

[Lonestar]

I completely regret any instance where I begged and pleaded with someone to stay with me or come back. I can only remember two instances, and I made a fool out of myself both times. One was a boyfriend from many ages ago, the other was my X who I talk about here.

 

It's embarrasing to look back and remember that I acted like that. No one is that damn special that someone else should throw away their dignity. No one. Eventually though, after all the pathetic regurgitation I subjected myself and everyone around me to, I kept mouth shut and suffered in silence. There's was no point in going on that way, because it only makes things worse.

 

I will never do that again.

 

 

 

 

fishman, there's no right or wrong here. You need to do what you think is right for you. There's only so much any of us can know about everyone else's situation. A few posts here and there do not tell the whole story at all, so when we don't agree, that doesn't mean jack. It only means we're looking at two entirely different experiences.

[miggsbucks]

When i look back at the ages-ago love i had, i could easily handle being just friends with her now. and being able to hear about her current partners etc. when the feelings are so intense it is hard to contemplate just being friends with them. but had i not permanently damaged my own image to my ex from ages ago, i may still be friends and in touch with her now, then who knows what could have happended. life is full of ifs and buts, and you can't change what is history, but you can learn from it, and control your own actions in similar situations based upon what you now know.

[nikkicam71]

While I understand what Miggs is saying, I also understand where Fish is coming from. I don't consider telling my ex that I can't be friends right now an "ultimatum". Yes, I told him if something changed for him, he was more than welcome to call me. He said the same thing to me re. friendship. We both left the door open. Then again, my ex doesn't have horrible memories of me humiliating myself and pushing/pulling, etc. The day that it happened was enough for me....yes, I begged and cried and got angry and didn't understand, but that was normal. After that I just let him be...he contacted me on his own, two weeks later, and was DESPERATE to maintain a friendship. I HAD to force N/C because, yes, Miggs...the ex contacted me of his own volition WAY too much for me to move on. In my case, it wasn't a case of me chasing and not accepting, it was a case of me not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel because of the ten-ton Mack truck blocking my view!

 

I totally see my ex and I being friends at some point in the future. I'd like to let at least a month pass before I re-initiate contact. If he contacts me before that time, that's cool...if he doesn't, that's cool too! I know he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has. And I don't want to undo all of the good I've built over the past month and put myself back where I was on July 1st by contacting him before I'm ready to do so.

 

On another, brighter note! I met someone a few weeks ago that I started dating/hanging out with. When I first met him, it was COMPLETELY unexpected...just out with my girls, not at all looking to meet someone. Yes, my relationship had been over for two months, but it had only been a couple of weeks since I talked to him....BUT, I remembered what everybody kept saying about dating and getting back out there...so I gave it a shot.

 

I remember thinking that he wasn't my type, that he was/is the antithesis of my ex, etc. But I continued seeing him, b/c he's fun to hang out with...b/c he's really sweet. The other night I crashed at his beachhouse (NO...we have not had sex! PERVS!) We are taking things really slowly and just getting to know each other. Anyway, so we talked all night and just cuddled and you know what....I like him! I mean, I really do! I look forward to seeing him now, and I actually smile when he calls!! He makes me smile, and he's really sweet...and there is none of the drama or emotional intensity that created the rollercoaster ride between myself and my ex! Yes, I still love my ex very much....but I have to say that I would be scared of making a decision at this point if my ex WERE to come back! I wouldn't want to make the wrong choice...I wouldn't want to give up on the chance to get to know a really great, stable person...I wouldn't be quite so willing to throw myself back into the craziness that my relationship created. It was manic...my ex was manic...when things were good, they were INCREDIBLE...and while that was most of the time, when he got scared or pulled away it was so complete, so hurtful. I don't believe I will ever love like that again, but now I'm not sure that I ever want to. I don't know if that's good or bad, I just know that I like the serenity of my life THESE days!

 

~Nikki